Quotes:
“And a lot of people consider self-love as doing what’s comfortable and pleasant, the things that feel good. And a lot of loving things feel good, but a lot of them also don’t feel good right now; they feel good in the future. And by doing them, you develop your strength and there’s a certain satisfaction in that. And there’s a term for that, “beneception.” It’s the good feeling that you get by doing something good for you, even if it doesn’t feel good. Things like working out is an example of that. And some things you might call loving are really avoiding and hiding and more abandoning yourself. And that’s giving your future self some unnecessary things to deal with.”
“What are the so-called ‘unacceptable’ parts of yourself, those things in your personality or body that you consider flaws that you’re ashamed of? It can feel uncomfortable to think about them but what if you not only acknowledged them, but directed your attention toward them? And not only directed your attention to them, but gave your loving attention toward them. And what if you focused your love towards those parts over the next few days, in the next few months, in the next few years? How do you think those parts will respond to being loved?”
“You don’t have any control over who else loves you, who else is there for you, but you have 100% control over you being there for yourself.”
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Episode transcript:
Welcome to the Overcoming Sexual Abuse podcast where you get the tools and inspiration to help you overcome childhood sexual abuse. I’m your host Christina Enevoldsen, certified coach, author, and incest survivor, and I’m here to help you heal and live your very best life.
Growing up in abuse and neglect likely means nobody was there for you. You learn to abandon yourself the way that you were abandoned. If you’re there for everyone else while you still feel alone, I share how you can learn to be there for yourself so you can guarantee you’ll never be neglected again.
If you grew up like I did, you really didn’t have people who you felt like you could count on. It was more like every person for themselves and your family. Everybody in survival mode. And that’s what that dysregulated state produces. You’re too busy trying to survive that you can’t worry about anyone else.
You may or may not have thought your parents were in survival mode. I didn’t think that. My dad just seemed too powerful to be in survival mode. But his rages were an indication that he felt threatened and was in the fight response. And my mom just seemed like she had a lot of more important things to do that she was always doing. And she was either in the flight response or the freeze response in that. So I didn’t see them as coping and surviving, but that’s what they were doing. And that’s not to excuse their abuse or neglect. It’s just recognizing the effect that that state had on me.
In abuse and neglect, you can’t rely on anyone or trust that someone’s going to be there for you and so you learn this really low standard of care for yourself and you might have adapted to the neglect by learning to take care of other people instead of as a substitute for taking care of yourself. And that could be in the hopes of eventually someone taking care of you. And when you don’t learn to be there for yourself, you feel neglected and alone, no matter who else is there for you.
And I talked about that more in episode 22, “How Childhood Neglect Impacts All Your Relationships.” So there’s just no getting around it. To heal that neglect wound and to fill in what’s missing, you have to learn to be there for yourself first.
When taking care of other people is all you’ve ever known, it feels selfish to take care of yourself. It’s actually not selfish, it’s just being a wise manager of the life and resources that you have. Otherwise, you can go out and take care of everyone else and not have enough for yourself and then eventually you run out and you burn out and you don’t have anything to give to anyone. Or you can prioritize yourself and be there for yourself first and then have so much more, as in quality and quantity, to give to other people too.
You may have heard the story of the Good Samaritan, and if you haven’t heard it or you need a refresher, I’ll share it.
So one day, an expert in the religious law stood up to test Jesus by asking him this question, “Teacher, what should I do to inherit internal life?” And Jesus replied, “What does the law of Moses say? How do you read it?” The man answered, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength, and all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.” Right, Jesus told him, “Do this, and you will live.” And the man wanted to justify his actions, so he asked Jesus, “And who exactly is my neighbor?” And Jesus replied with a story.
A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem down to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of all his clothes, beat him, and left him half dead beside the road. By chance, a priest came along, but when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. And a Levite walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed on by the other side. And then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn where he took care of him.
The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins telling him, “Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time when I’m here.”
“Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the man who was attacked by bandits?” Jesus asked. The man replied, “The one who showed him mercy.” Then Jesus said, “Yes, now go and do the same.”
So we like to see ourselves as a Samaritan who is compassionate and caring and generous and you likely are with other people when they’re in need. But what about when you’re the one who’s in need? Are you the good Samaritan to yourself? Or do you find yourself in the role of the priest or the Levite who distanced themselves from the parts of you that need your care and your attention? Do you cross on the other side of the road by judging yourself as too needy or you’re too much trouble? Do you look the other way and criticize yourself saying, “You don’t deserve my time and my attention. I have more important things to do than to take care of you.”?
And I love the religious scholar who asked the question, “Who is my neighbor?” It says he wanted to justify his actions. He wasn’t looking to do as much as he was able; he was wondering what the lowest standard was so he didn’t have to do any more than he had to.
And that’s the way I treated myself for a long time. What’s the bare minimum? What do I have to do?
Jesus changes the question and shows. Love doesn’t ask how far do I have to go. Love asks, “What can I do?”
The Samaritan modeled something completely outrageous. He didn’t do the bare minimum; he was extravagant. He was loving his neighbor as himself. This kind of love he modeled wasn’t an emotional feeling; it was about his behavior. How he treated him.
Now in Greek, the word “neighbor” means “someone nearby”. And in Hebrew, it means “someone that you have an association with”. And so it’s that sense of closeness. And instead of being a neighbor to ourselves, we abandon ourselves. We go away, act like, “Who? Who’s that? I don’t see you.” And just like we were abandoned, you know, by our parents.
And the Samaritans were hated by the Jews, but the Samaritan didn’t care that the injured person was Jewish. He was just there for him. He didn’t judge him if he was deserving or undeserving. He just pitched in to help. And that’s the kind of love you deserve for yourself, with yourself.
And when I say being there for yourself, what I mean is being there for your present self, but also for your past self and your future self. If you’ve already started the healing process from abuse and neglect, then you’ve started to be there for your past self. And that’s being there for your future self too, because healing is the best investment you can make for your future self.
I hear a lot from my clients, and I had the same thoughts when I started healing, that I wished my younger self hadn’t made things so hard for me. And for a time I blamed her for getting abused because I didn’t want to have to deal with the effects of it. And I wished that she hadn’t used the coping methods that she did that started the addictions and the dependencies that I had to deal with. And I used to blame little Christina for a lot of the pain and struggles that I had to deal with. And that’s like passing by on the other side of the road after that little girl was violated and wounded and abandoned and left half dead in the ditch. But loving that past version of myself means saying, “Whatever you had to do to survive, I know you did the absolute best that you could. And you actually did a great job because I’m here now because of what you did. So thank you. The effects that are left, hey, I’m going to take care of them. Don’t worry about that. I see you. I see what you’ve been through and you didn’t do any of that to yourself and you didn’t cause that. That didn’t make you bad or dirty. And I’m going to attend to your wounds and I’m going to take you someplace safe. I’m here for you.” And that’s being there for your past self.
And it’s not just your younger version of yourself that’s your past self, but yourself from this past year when you put on those extra pounds. And being there for yourself means saying, “It’s okay. I’m going to take care of that for you. I won’t shame you or criticize you or berate you. You did the best you could, and hey, I’ve got it from here.”
And it’s also your past self from yesterday when you think back to that conversation you had with your friend and thinking of what you could have said or should have said or shouldn’t have said. And it’s being there for your past self and saying, “You’re learning how to be a good friend and you’ll do better next time.”
And when you celebrate your success, you’re honoring your past self, you’re noticing what your past self has accomplished and how she’s grown and where you are now because of what she did for you. And that could be your past self this past year or five minutes ago. And it’s just so good to be there for her and to honor her.
And when it comes to being there for your past self, it’s important to see that the relationship with your past self is the foundation for your relationship with your present self too. You can’t ignore that part of you or blame that part of you and have a great relationship with yourself now. And so if you feel blame or shame or pain or guilt or regret, that’s a call to be there for your past self so you can move forward. The life your future self lives is created by what you do today.
So what are you doing today for your future self? What are you eating today? Are you making her healthy or unhealthy? What are you doing with your money? Are you saving money for her to use? Or are you asking her to pay for the things that your present self is enjoying? Are you using your time in a way that will force her to make up for what you’re doing today? Are you setting her up for failure or success? I do this in small things for my future self, things like I take off my shirt when it’s inside out and I put it right for my future self and it just makes me smile to take a little extra time to help her out, to save her a little time. It’s like saying, “Here I’m sending this ahead for you to enjoy.”
So how do you love your present self? How can you truly be there for yourself right now? And a lot of people consider self-love as doing what’s comfortable and pleasant, the things that feel good. And a lot of loving things feel good, but a lot of them also don’t feel good right now; they feel good in the future. And by doing them, you develop your strength and there’s a certain satisfaction in that. And there’s a term for that, “beneception.” It’s the good feeling that you get by doing something good for you, even if it doesn’t feel good. Things like working out is an example of that. And some things you might call loving are really avoiding and hiding and more abandoning yourself. And that’s giving your future self some unnecessary things to deal with.
You can determine if it’s really loving for yourself, if it’s loving for your past, present and future self. Another way you can be there for your present self is to be on your own side no matter what others think about you, what they say about you, what you’re afraid of them thinking about you and so much more. Shame and self-criticism comes from what you’re anticipating or fearing someone else thinking about you. You judge yourself first before anyone else can. What are the so-called “unacceptable” parts of yourself, those things in your personality or body that you consider flaws that you’re ashamed of? It can feel uncomfortable to think about them but what if you not only acknowledged them, but directed your attention toward them? And not only directed your attention to them, but gave your loving attention toward them. And what if you focused your love towards those parts over the next few days, in the next few months, in the next few years? How do you think those parts will respond to being loved? What do you imagine love will do for you? What impact will that have? And you can tell yourself, “I love myself, no matter what.”
You don’t have any control over who else loves you, who else is there for you, but you have 100% control over you being there for yourself.
Well, thanks for joining me today. If you love this podcast, please leave a review and help me to reach more people with healing and self-care and boundaries and family and relationship issues, and make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss any of it.