3 Vital Ways to Care for Yourself As You Heal

Welcome to the Overcoming Sexual Abuse podcast where you get the tools and inspiration to help you overcome childhood sexual abuse. I’m your host Christina Enevoldsen, certified coach, author, and incest survivor, and I’m here to help you heal and live your very best life.

Healing from abuse requires extra time and energy. While we can’t stop regular life to make room for healing, we can make adjustments to create the space that we deserve. I’ll share the three most important ways you can care for yourself as you heal so you’re empowered to move forward.

Healing takes place in the context of everything else going on in our life:
our relationships, work, home life, responsibilities, and everything else that we spend time on. And what we’re looking at today is how to be the architect of your life, or at least the most influential parts of your life, and design them in a way that supports your healing.

[]So Winston Churchill was very interested in architecture and how it impacted civilization and culture, and he said, “We shape our buildings, and thereafter our buildings shape us.” And what he was talking about is that the environment that we create, whether that’s physical or a figurative environment, then we surround ourselves with that, and then that creates us. And it’s not just the physical environment, it’s the context and structure of our lives that shape us. It impacts how much bandwidth you can afford to invest in healing, how far outside your comfort zone that you’re willing to risk, how deep you might be able to go, what you can afford to face or even see, and to learn new ways of being because all of that requires energy. And where is that energy coming from? And where are you directing it now? So how can you leverage those areas so they add energy rather than drawing energy? And when you have this well-supported life, then you have more to give to yourself and to your healing.

It’s not realistic for most people to create this ideal environment for healing. And that’s not even necessary. So this isn’t about everything being perfect before you heal. This is to bring awareness to the areas that can provide more support for your healing or else potentially hold you back.
So as I share these specific areas of your life, keep in mind that not every area will impact you equally. One may impact you more than the others.
Also, you may have one of these completely falling apart and still be able to function well. And chances are you have at least one area functioning well. So I’m going to suggest some ways to make shifts to these areas,
but pay attention to what you want to change and feel ready to change. This isn’t to conquer or accomplish anything or everything all at one time.

The first one is our physical space. So our physical environment has this profound effect on us. And my first career was in interior design. And I was really fascinated to learn that design is more than just making a space pretty. Color, lighting and style influence our emotions and our behavior as []well. One of the most impactful elements of design is color. We know from color psychology that color impacts us on a deep level. It even impacts blind people. And that makes sense because color is energy and we don’t just take it in through our eyes, but also through our skin. So color influences our physiology. So our heart rate changes with different colors, our blood pressure changes.

[]And you might already know that there are stimulating colors and soothing colors. Reds and yellows are stimulating and red increases your appetite for food and sex and yellow stimulates your mind. It can help your memory but in large doses it can also create agitation. In my first marriage I had a kitchen that was this buttery yellow color and my husband and I fought in that room more than any other room in the house.

So keep that kind of thing in mind with your healing especially if you’re having a lot of anger come up. And it’s not that yellow is a bad color, no color is bad. It’s about using it in an intentional way and so if you love yellow you can soften the emotional intensity by adding a more soothing color like blue.

Blue lowers your heart rate and you might think that’s a great color for healing and it is but again in balance because when I was in the stage of my healing when lots of memories and those strong emotions were coming up I made some changes to my living room. My walls were painted blue and I had again buttery yellow accents and I wanted something a little different and so to start the process I eliminated the yellow and then I was just left with blue walls and I started feeling very down. I processed whatever feelings that I had but I still felt down and I started to think and wonder if maybe I was depressed and one day I was looking around at all the blue and realized its effect on me and I didn’t want to wait to repaint the walls to feel better. So I sat with this bright pink sweater in front of me and that added a little bit of stimulation to the blue and that’s all I needed. And remember when I had the yellow and the blue together, the stimulation of the yellow balance the calmness of the blue because blue and yellow make green and green is a very balancing color.

So as you’re noticing your surroundings and especially your home, pay attention to how color is impacting you and consider color when it comes to balancing your nervous system. So remember that sweet spot of that regulated state within your window of tolerance and that corresponds to shades of green which is balancing and browns and tans which are grounding and you can also achieve that with the right balance of other colors like I did with the blue and the yellow.

The fight or flight response might be represented by the more stimulating colors like reds and yellows while the freeze response is generally represented by blues. So if you tend toward the freeze response, you might need more reds and yellows. If you tend towards that fight or flight, you might need more blues and greens and browns in your life.

[]So when we think about healing and our physical spaces, remember that healing includes providing things for yourself that you needed but didn’t get in childhood. And I know I’m not the only one who felt unsafe in my own home when I was growing up. So part of healing is to create at least a space if not spaces where you feel safe and you feel secure that you feel that that is your space.

So that’s the minimum and from there create a space that nurtures you and launches you. you. And to do that, ask yourself, “Does my space function well?” “Do I feel like I have enough space for my things and for me so I don’t feel like I have to squish myself?” “Is it organized so I have access to my things and I don’t feel frustrated or panicked looking for what I need?” “Does it feel good to me?” Does it reflect my personality? Does it fit my lifestyle?” “If I love hospitality, does it reflect that?” “If I love to write,
is there a comfortable space for that?” “Does my space inspire my well -being?” “And do I find it beautiful?”

[]So home is the base camp of life. It’s the literal shelter, but also the emotional shelter of that safety and security. And it can be compared to the way a baby or toddler starts walking. And, you know, a baby runs away from mama. And so mama is the home base. But then the baby, after exploring, comes running back to feel secure again. And the security she feels from mama means she can afford to go exploring. And that’s the way our home should feel to us.

And that’s what we do in healing. We have adventures. We explore. We conquer new territories. And then we come home to safety. We’re home to relax and sleep and eat and socialize.

And you might recognize those from the nervous system, that rest, that calm, the rest and digest, and the social engagement. Those are characteristics of the regulated state, that calm state of the nervous system. And that’s that feeling of home. If you’ve seen the movie The Wizard of Oz, you might remember Dorothy and how much she craved adventure and new experiences. And then she got her wish. In Oz, there were these new experiences and stimulation everywhere. Everything was unfamiliar and unknown. There were talking flowers and trees and live scarecrow and colored horses and flying monkeys and witches and everything was new to her. And she had to be alert all the time because nothing was familiar. And what does she want? To go home.

And the healing adventure is a lot like Oz, where you have to unlearn and relearn who you are and how to function. Healing is about going out into the unknown. It’s thrilling to discover these new ways of being and to uncover the real you. But that’s supported when you have this base camp to return to. And it’s important to provide that sense of home for yourself so you can keep exploring. Because all humans need both surprise and adventure and the variety of the unknown and the safety and security of the known and familiar.

[]And speaking of the familiar, I’m going to read a quote from Jordan Peterson. “Any place in your house that you have not attended to in detail, and that might mean cleaned off of the cloth or brushed or sorted or organized or arrayed, is not part of the habitable order that is good. It’s part of chaos still. And you react to it as if it’s unfamiliar and foreign, and that makes you uncomfortable and makes you feel not at home. The unknown and the unfamiliar produce anxiety. But if you own all the spaces in your home by using them, cleaning them, maintaining them, it will feel like yours and you’ll feel more at peace in your home.”

And part of that feeling at peace is reducing clutter. Because clutter raises the level of the stress hormone cortisol, which makes it difficult to mentally and physically relax. Cortisol is part of that fight or flight. And the added stress means you’re more likely to use unhealthy coping methods. And that is distracting and it lowers productivity. And it signals your brain that your work is never done. And it requires more energy from your brain because clutter represents unmade decisions.

However, this isn’t about being a minimalist unless you prefer that. It’s just that as balance is important in color, balance is also important in this area too. That’s because just as animals have a way of marking their territory, humans do. And we do that by putting our stuff there, like saving a seat in the theater or filling our office a cubicle at work with photos and plants. It says this space is mine.

I noticed a few years ago that I felt encroached on and I responded by marking my territory with more stuff. My way of claiming ownership and claiming my space for myself was accumulating things and leaving them around. And when I noticed I was creating a lot of clutter, I realized what was happening and then I was able to create some more healthy boundaries instead of becoming a hoarder.

When I was a child, we moved every few years. The house that we lived in when the worst of the abuse took place, it was an exclusive neighborhood and the house was carefully decorated. But it didn’t feel safe and it didn’t feel homey. It felt like death. And when I was married to my ex -husband, we built our dream house, but it felt like a prison. It’s not only the physical space that impacts if we feel secure in our environment. It’s how it speaks to us, how we feel in the space.

So those are some things to be aware of and to consider. So start to notice your space, just to be present in it, not distracted, not dissociated, and really see it. Ask yourself, if it feels safe, do you feel nurtured? Does your home take care of you? What do you need more of to feel like it’s yours or less of? Is it a place where you feel like you can heal? Do you need more space? Do you need more peace? More inspiration? And how can you claim your space to make it a healing environment?

So our homes often represent who we were in the past. The objects you hold on to can be like a relationship you’ve outgrown, and your space should support your growth. Design your home for your future self, the person you’re becoming.

[]The second area that we’re going to talk about is relationships. For a nurtured, fulfilled, and healthy life, you need healthy relationships. In our world of busy, it’s easy to neglect your relational needs and maybe leave social connections to chance or convenience. And maybe you think they should just happen naturally. But have you ever left a garden to grow naturally?

[]There are two ways to manage your relationships, either proactively or reactively. And when I was managing them reactively, I gave responsibility for the entire relationship to the other person or to chance. People came and went from my life without much consideration for me. I waited for others to schedule time together. I let others decide their access to me.
And I passively neglected relationships to let them wither.

So how much responsibility do you take for the quality of your relationships? It’s not healthy to take 100 % responsibility for the relationship, but it is healthy to take 100 % responsibility for your part in the relationship.

And it’s a responsibility to recognize the influence someone has on you and the time and energy required to nurture the relationship. You can only give as much as you can afford to give. You can’t give away all your time and energy and still have energy to invest in yourself and your healing. Because of your need for relationship, it’s wise to create opportunities rather than waiting for opportunities. And to choose relationships with thought and discernment.

Each relationship creates this flow of energy. With some relationships, there’s a flow of energy going out. And with some, there’s a flow of energy coming in. Hopefully most of your relationships have a healthy flow of energy both coming in and going out. You know you’ve been around people who just drain you when all the energy is going out and too much energy is going out. And there are others who energize you, either an equal flow of energy or they’re pouring into you.

And your energy needs increase and decrease depending on what is going on in your life. And the things that increase our energy needs include things like when you have a personal crisis or a crisis that directly or indirectly impacts you. Caring for small children or an aging parent or any other challenging caregiver role. And of course, there’s healing from trauma. So if you have relationships where you’re the giver without getting much in return, you might need to reconsider if that leaves you enough energy for yourself and your healing. And it’s not only important to consider the direction of the energy, which way it’s flowing. It’s also important to consider the type of energy that you get from people in your life. Because just like we talked about colors, people can either have a stimulating energy or a calming energy. And this is different from what I previously mentioned about whether energy was going out of you and too much and you feel drained or if it’s flowing to you, but even too much energy flowing to you can be exhausting. So, it’s important to notice what you need at this time in your healing and also from moment to moment.
So, consider what your nervous system needs. If you’re in the stress state or that fight or flight, too much stimulation probably wouldn’t be helpful. So, you probably need someone who has a soothing energy. And the opposite is also true. If you are in that functional freeze response, then you might need someone with a more stimulating energy. And this isn’t talking about some people have either/or, but some people go through seasons where they’re more stimulating or more soothing. And some people just have moods where they’re more soothing or more stimulating. So, pay attention to those.

Part of something proactive in your relationships is to allow yourself to choose the kind of people who are in your life to be intentional about it.
So, imagine you are hiring people to fill the positions in your inner circle, the people that you’re closest to, including your healing support team. So,
what qualities would you look for? What’s important to you? What do you feel like you need? And what qualities don’t fit? What don’t you want in the people closest to you?

And then you might consider who are the people who are closest to you, who you spend the most time with, who have access to you? Do they have those qualities? And two more questions you can ask yourself. Does anything need to be added to my relationships to move forward in a more healing environment? And does anything need to be subtracted in my relationships to move toward a more healing environment?

Okay, the third and last area that we’re going to talk about is your schedule, your time. And this isn’t about the schedule or time itself, but about your perception of it, because one person could have something scheduled from sun up to sun down and feel completely energized by that. And another person with that schedule could feel completely drained.

So what does your schedule speak to you? How does that impact your healing? And how do you feel about it? And what does your nervous system have to say about it?

When you’re raised in chaos and inconsistency, you can become addicted to the adrenaline of that stress response. And you might not want a busy calendar, but that’s how you stay in that familiar chemical cocktail. And it feels familiar, but that’s not the same as calm and regulated. So staying busy can be a coping method.

It’s often in our culture, it’s this badge of honor to be busy and it can feel shameful when someone asks what you have going on. And sometimes it’s this cultural norm to just scramble to say something that sounds like you’re productive. It’s not socially acceptable to say, “I just stayed in my pajamas today.” And even though that might be the healthiest thing to do in some days.

Sometimes busyness and responsibility is synonymous with “I’m needed” or “I’m wanted.” And that can come from not knowing your true value apart from what you do. Or maybe you fear that you’ll be abandoned if you don’t produce or perform.

And a lot of the emotions that are connected with trauma are sadness, depression, and grief. And those emotions are usually accompanied by fatigue and tiredness. And that’s because they’re calling you to slow down and connect with yourself inwardly. And when you’re constantly busy, you don’t leave space to connect and process those emotions. Which, of course, is some of the point of being busy. So if that’s you, what happens when you slow down or quiet down? What are you avoiding?

Something that does support healing is providing structure to at least some of your schedule. And that offers a sense of certainty which the brain interprets as safe. And it’s things like going to bed at the same time or having a morning routine or going to the gym every Saturday. And that routine is something that your brain likes. So everyone needs some structure, but not in the same way. And not the same amount. So I’m definitely not saying every minute or hour should be scheduled or structured. I’m just saying that it’s good to provide yourself with at least some structure. And how much depends on your individual needs. 

So structure is about being proactive. There are two ways to relate to your time. Either proactively, deciding on purpose how you’re going to spend time, and then reactively. And that’s dictated by other people or circumstances or by your feelings. And proactive planning planning allows your life to be a reflection of what you truly want, about you being the intentional creator of your life.

If healing is important to you, how much time do you schedule for it? And healing requires margin because there are things that you can plan like journaling or processing your emotions, but not everything happens on a schedule. So when your calendar is already packed, there’s no time to do that deeper work of healing. Even though it’s not related to healing, something I still do is schedule a nothing day. And I write it on my calendar in all capital letters, nothing. And it’s a day just for me. And even if you don’t have a day for nothing, schedule a block of time just for you.

And remember to consult your nervous system when filling your calendar. Respect your bandwidth. Learn the phrase, “I don’t have the capacity for that right now.” That’s a great way to say no.

Does anything need to be subtracted from your schedule to move forward in a more healing environment? And does anything need to be added to your schedule to move toward a more healing environment?

All right, those are the three areas that are likely to impact your healing the most. How do you think they’re working for you? Do you need to make any shifts? Or did you see that you’re actually doing really well?

Well, thanks for joining me today. If you’d like the worksheets that can help you think through some more of how you can provide support in these areas, you can download that for free. Just go to the show notes page at overcomingsexualabuse .com/013.

And when you download that, be sure to accept my invitation to subscribe to my emails, and then I’ll send you lots of helpful healing tips and resources. Now I’m bringing you lots more on healing boundaries, self care, and family dysfunction. so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of it.