Overcoming Your Fear of Conflict

Welcome to the Overcoming Sexual Abuse podcast where you get the tools and inspiration to help you overcome childhood sexual abuse. I’m your host Christina Enevoldsen, certified coach, author, and incest survivor, and I’m here to help you heal and live your very best life.

In a dysfunctional family, rupture and repair, disconnection, and reconnection isn’t modeled to you. Conflict is threatening so you betray yourself and work to keep the peace so you can avoid being abandoned. I share for my own life how I’ve overcome this and I give you the specific steps for not only engaging in healthy conflict but using it for deeper connection.

I grew up in a family where I never heard my parents fight. I don’t think my mom had much of a voice until much later in her life and she probably didn’t feel safe expressing her true opinions and her wants and her needs. We didn’t talk things out or acknowledge hurt feelings or admit we were upset. We knew the unspoken rule when something bothers you, keep it to yourself. So I learned to internalize conflict, let the conflict be within and pretend that everything is fine.

My dad didn’t have to follow the family rule. He’d often fly into a rage and we’d all tiptoe around him either making ourselves scarce or dancing around trying to do whatever he needed done, clean whatever he wanted clean or get him whatever he needed. And my dad never acknowledged what he did when he was in a rage. He acted like he was justified. He didn’t owe us an apology since we were to blame for setting him off. And I learned that when conflict does occur, it’s scary and it’s dangerous.

And when my parents were upset with me, they held me at a distance. There was nothing I could do to get back into their good graces. I just had to wait until their emotions changed. And I learned from that that conflict is shaming and isolating.

It’s no wonder that I wasn’t equipped to deal with conflict in relationships. It wasn’t just the lessons that I learned about conflict, it was what I didn’t learn. I didn’t learn that conflict is a normal and healthy part of relationships. I didn’t learn that we can love each other in the midst of conflict. I didn’t learn that we can love each other in the midst of conflict. I didn’t learn that conflict is simply about negotiating differences. I didn’t learn that conflict can be peaceful, respectful, and loving. I didn’t learn that conflict can bring people closer together. And I didn’t learn that conflict can help to heal wounds of the past.

The most painful thing I learned about conflict from my parents is that conflict feels fatal. If someone is upset with you, they’ll just shun you instead of vulnerably sharing their feelings and offering a way back. There is no resolution, no reconnection. Just an unknown period of time of a silent treatment that reminds you that you’re bad or wrong or that you made a mistake. And that’s very shaming.

To clarify, this is different from separating to create some sense of safety or to calm yourself. What I’m talking about is using withdrawal as punishment and some people call that a boundary but boundaries aren’t about punishing the other person.

The way those messages I learned about conflict played out in my relationships is I’d swallow my hurt and my fear and my anger and I’d pretend like everything was fine. I feared being honest about my true feelings because I didn’t want to appear needy or vulnerable. I was afraid of being judged for being too sensitive or nit-picky or argumentative or difficult. And that led to a huge conflict within myself. Instead of being judged by others, I judged myself for squishing myself and failing to stand up for myself. And my true feelings, though, came out one way or another. My building resentment leaked out through sarcasm or passive-aggressive retaliation. And it slowly tore down the relationships and all the warm feelings that I used to have for that person. And eventually, I was just glad to be rid of them.

Without addressing the hurts, my wounds accumulated rather than healed. And when you have open wounds, you understandably are sensitive. You act and move in a way that guards those wounds. And when I had so many unhealed wounds, I found that I couldn’t be generous with people. I couldn’t afford to be understanding and compassionate with their mistakes and their missteps. Everything just hurt so much. And I treated people who hurt me in the same shaming way that my parents had, or I just shut them out completely.

But when you value something and it’s damaged, you don’t throw it away, you repair it. There’s a centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery. Rather than trying to disguise the seams, they use a special tree sap lacquer dusted with powdered gold or silver platinum, and the decorative seams celebrate that coming back together again, rather than hiding that it had been broken.

And when you avoid conflict, when you pretend everything is okay, there can be no beauty of coming back together. Mistakes are never corrected and misunderstandings are never cleared up. Wounds and fears and offenses mount up until they create this wall between you and the other person and you can only have shallow connections because unless you’re willing to share your true feelings, your relationships can’t grow and deepen.

Part of my healing from abuse was learning to be with my emotions and sharing them with people that I care about and then I learned how to express my needs and then I learned how to object to behavior that didn’t fit that new way that I was treating myself and as a result my relationships in the past 14 to 15 years or so have been the strongest and the most fulfilling ones that I’ve ever had in my life because I’ve been able to engage in conflict. I’ve acknowledged, “Oh, okay, here’s some conflict, let’s address it.”

There’s something amazing that happens when you can be honest about your feelings and your needs and you feel heard. And the people in my life, they do the same with me. It feels so affirming when someone cares about our relationship enough to come to me when they feel feel a disconnection. And there’s a trust that’s built when you meet as these two imperfect humans just working through differences and coming to a resolution.

Now, I used to think that if I were really, really emotionally mature, then I would never have conflict. But conflict is a normal part of every relationship. It’s actually healthy to disagree and want different things because we’re all unique. And one of the most impactful things that I’ve learned in conflict is there doesn’t have to be anyone wrong. The goal of processing conflict isn’t to blame or shame or prove any wrongdoing because being different isn’t wrong.

In abuse, being different is wrong. My mother treated me as though wanting something different from her, thinking different, feeling different, was the worst thing I could do that I was doing it to her. And ultimately, my parents walked away from me because I just wouldn’t conform any longer. And I’ve noticed that in all abusive systems. on any scale, there’s a rule of conformity. You’re not allowed to think that, feel that, say certain things. And there’s this rigid standard and freedom and diversity of thought and emotion and speech, that’s not allowed.

So growing up in abuse, there was hostility towards differences. And that set up engaging conflict like going to war. However, being different doesn’t have to turn people into enemies. If you consider it confrontation, that feels adversarial. It’s more about giving feedback about how their behavior impacts you. It’s just giving them information like, “Here’s what I like and don’t like,” or, “Here’s how I work best.”

And that isn’t always easy to do in practice because we all have a tyrant living inside of us, ruling over subjects to suit our own interests, condemning those who oppose us. I want things this way and you need to do it this way. And when you deny that’s a part of you, then you don’t keep that inner tyrant in check. And what I mean by that is we have laws we expect others to live by. They weren’t involved in passing those laws. They didn’t agree to those laws. They don’t even know what those laws are. And we aren’t even always conscious of those laws. However, you might recognize what your specific laws are by what disappoints you or what makes you angry by what you think others should do like the lint screen on the dryer should be cleaned immediately after removing the laundry, or my husband should call me if he’s going to be more than 15 minutes late, or nobody should interrupt me while I’m on the phone, or everyone should be quiet while I’m sleeping.

We try to dictate how others should behave to establish some kind of order and certainty in our lives. And the more we fear uncertainty, the more likely we are to try to control people. I used to be very rigid, and that was a reflection of how insecure and fearful I felt. And that’s also why abusive people use power and control.

It’s not our right, though, to pass laws that other people are required to live by. But we can provide some personal security to ourselves by creating guidelines for ourselves. In other words, boundaries. An example of a boundary is to not tolerate critical statements. So it could be something like, “I won’t tolerate critical statements. If you continue to criticize me, I’ll protect myself by leaving the conversation.” So the law isn’t for them, it’s for you. It tells you what to tolerate and not tolerate. And the other person, they’re free to be critical, but they just won’t be doing it around you because you’ll leave their presence if they choose to speak that way.

Engaging in conflict in a healthy way, not only means allowing for differences, it also means being teachable and curious. And I like the concept of a beginner’s mind. I have a friend who really exemplifies this. She assumes she has something to learn in this situation about this situation, about the other person and about herself and she just really leans into study and really understand.

And that curiosity, that beginner’s mind is vulnerable. It’s about having your own perspective but holding it loosely and being open to new information. And this is useful if you’re on the giving or receiving end of feedback. Are you willing to question your assumptions? Are you willing to see another perspective? Are you willing to make room for differences? Are you willing to see your own imperfections? Are you willing to learn and grow from this?

Another part of this is seeing the other person as equally human as you. When you feel hurt or angry or some other signal that you’re experiencing a threat, it’s easy to forget the good things about them and why you’re in a relationship with them in the first place. They just exist in your mind as this threat and there are no other parts to them. And in that state it’s not about being open or curious or emotionally generous it’s about just protecting yourself.

And if you feel overwhelmed or like this situation is just too difficult or there’s no resolution possible, you might react to that threat by going into a freeze response and in the freeze response you might recognize yourself stonewalling or shutting down, turning away, disengaging, ignoring, acting busy, focusing on something else, and maybe you know it’s not going to make things better, but you’re just trying not to make things worse.

Now, when I say, “See the other person as equally human as you are”, some people might hear equally flawed and therefore you don’t have a right to object to their behavior. And that’s not at all what I’m saying. I’m saying that when you see them as just a threat rather than human, you make them so big. It’s like they’re this giant monster. And first of all, a giant monster is difficult to deal with. So it might be better just to cut your losses and hide from the situation. And you don’t want to reconnect with a monster. So reconciliation and reconnection is off the table. And what do you do with a monster? You kill it. So you tend to be coming from the place of, “I can say ugly things to you and I can be mean to you because you can do that to a monster.” But that’s not how to treat a fellow human.

See the other person as more than their behavior. Look for the intentions, their heart, their purpose, and their concerns behind what they’re doing. What needs are they trying to meet through their behavior? And can you have empathy for them? Now, when I ask that, please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. This is not about excusing their behavior. This isn’t about understanding them and having compassion on them and then not addressing what bothers you. This is about seeing the conflict in a way that empowers you.

And the way that you can help yourself be in a more empowered place is to make sure you’re regulated. As you think about the situation and before your communication with them and the also during your communication with them. It’s common to think, okay, I’ll be regulated, I’ll feel calm, once this is resolved. But it’s important that you regulate with some self-soothing tools rather than depending on a certain outcome because it’s a lot less likely that you’ll actually be able to reconnect if you’re dysregulated.

And it’s important that the other person is regulated too. If they become dysregulated, you can ask that they take a pause or wait until another time when they feel more calm. You can’t demand that they be calm, but you can set a boundary for yourself that you won’t engage with them until they are calm.

A useful boundary is to have these conversations only on a consent basis. So make sure both of you are in agreement with having a conversation. It’s just sabotaging to launch into whatever you’re feeling without considering if the other person has the capacity for it at that moment. I have a pretty large capacity for compassion, but I’m not compassionately available all the time. There are times when I’m tired and I don’t have any heart for anyone else; I can only take care of me. And that’s not selfish to say no to conversations in those moments. That’s just wise.

So if you want the best possible outcome, engage with the other person when you’re both regulated and you’ve both consented. And to ask for consent, you can say something like, “Are you open to processing something?” Or you could be more specific, “Are you open to processing about how you showed up drunk?” That cliche request, “Can we talk?” is really immediately stressful to a lot of people and a lot of people associate that with bad news or criticism or rejection. And so, when you ask the other person if they’re open to processing about how you showed up drunk, that in itself is a request. Like I’m asking you to be open. Will you open your heart to understand me? And it’s letting them know that you’re asking for participation. There’s something unfinished and incomplete that they can help to finish.

And when you share with them, take responsibility for your own thoughts and emotions. Don’t blame them for how you feel. They didn’t make you feel anything. And don’t try to mind read. Let go of your assumption that you have the full story or know their intentions. So lean in with curiosity. So ask questions and really seek to understand. I find that I create a story about what’s happened. And when I hear the other person’s perspective, I have a completely different understanding.

And one way to express curiosity is to say, “The story I told myself about this is.” And then tell them what you thought and felt and ask them if that’s accurate. And that’s being vulnerable, that’s you being open. You’re not blaming or criticizing or communicating that you disapprove of what they did. You’re sharing how their behavior affected you.

The intention here is to help them understand and to empathize. And when you blame or criticize or complain about their behavior, that’s just going to raise their threat response. Their walls are going to go up. If they were open, they’re just going to close right up. They won’t be vulnerable. They’ll be in defense mode. It won’t draw them closer to you, it’s just going to drive them farther away.

You may have heard to make “I” statements rather than “you” statements. And this is to also avoid triggering defensiveness. “I feel abandoned” rather than, “You’re never there for me.” And I’ve known people, though, who use this, but not the principle behind this. So they might say, “I feel like you’re never there for me.” And that still comes across like an accusation.

Be sure to communicate the distinction that it’s just the behavior that you don’t like, not who they are, not, “You’re an a-hole,” or, “You’re self-centered.” If that’s who they are, where do they have to go from there? Why bother talking about it? So keep the focus on the behavior, that’s something they can change.

And be clear about your specific request. Do you simply want them to understand or do you want them to change something? And if you want them to change something, be specific and ask for a wanted action, not just stopping an unwanted action, not just, “Please don’t do this,” but “Please do this instead.”

When you express what’s bothering you, it can be as simple as “When you’re half hour late, I feel anxious because I don’t know what to expect or plan for. Would you help me by texting me if you’re gonna be more than 15 minutes late?” And that’s the “I feel, I need, will you?” model. And the other model I shared is the story model, and it looks like this: “When you’re late, the story I told myself about that, is that you don’t respect my time or or care about me. Is that what you meant?” And that can also be followed up with the “I feel, I need, will you,” model if it’s needed.

As you can see, whether you’re the one bringing the feedback or you’re on the receiving end of the feedback, curiosity and listening is an important part of the conversation. And communicate that you’re paying attention through focus and eye contact. Don’t fidget. Use your body language that says you want to be there and you want to understand. Lean in. Don’t interrupt. Ask questions, though, when you need clarity and nod to show understanding.

When Don and I are working something out, we have this very slow and quiet style. Our conversations have long pauses before we respond and we really take the time to consider the other person’s perspective and feelings and then assimilate that as we create a response. And that’s a good principle–to pause before you speak. It tends to keep things calmer and prevents a lot of hurtful responses that you can’t take back.

And when you do respond, affirm the other person’s emotions first. Use statements, like “It makes sense that you feel that way.” “That saddens me that my actions impacted you that way.” And even if they created a narrative that isn’t accurate, you can still empathize with them and the pain that they’re experiencing.

When there’s some behavior for you to correct, then apologize for the specific thing that you did and name how that impacted them and any losses that they experienced because of that. Express your regret and name what you can do to make amends and say, “Here’s what I’ll do differently from now on.” Say, “I was wrong” and really accept the responsibility without justifying or blaming the other person or other circumstances. No apology that’s real is followed by a “but…”. And this is also not an apology: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” So that tends to just dismiss whatever they’re saying.

When you’ve been shamed in the past, it can feel threatening to admit that you’ve done something wrong because there’s no coming back from that. There’s no redemption, no repair, no reconnection. And to work through that, I encourage you to listen to Episode 3, Overcoming Toxic Shame.

And remind yourself it’s okay to disagree and that you can still care about them when you disagree. Look for ways your differences are positive and celebrate your differences. How does that complement your strengths and weaknesses? When might that thing that annoys you actually be an advantage?

Now, what happens when the person doesn’t want to hear you out or doesn’t respond positively toward your request? You can use that information to make your decisions. Okay, they aren’t as committed to this relationship as I am, so I might need to adjust the way I invest my time and heart. And it’s not about punishing them. It’s not about how that boundary will impact them. It’s about minimizing the way their actions impact you.

When it’s not about shaming anyone and just about communicating heart to heart, it’s an opportunity for deeper connection. I frequently realize some weakness about myself I need to change or I experience another level of healing from a past wound.

Thanks for joining me today. If you love this podcast, please leave a review and help me to reach more people with healing and self-care and boundaries and family and relationship issues and make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss any of it.