Controlled By People’s Expectations

Welcome to the Overcoming Sexual Abuse podcast where you get the tools and inspiration to help you overcome childhood sexual abuse. I’m your host Christina Enevoldsen, certified coach, author, and incest survivor, and I’m here to help you heal and live your very best life.

When you’re raised in abuse and neglect, you become very aware of other people’s feelings and needs to keep yourself safer and to get your needs met. When you’re sensitive to disappointing people or losing their approval or acceptance, that can lead to exhausting yourself trying to meet their expectations. I’ll share the powerful keys for working through that so you’re in control of your own life and can finally take care of yourself.

When you live by other people’s expectations, it can feel like you’re being torn apart. I used to feel like a victim of other people’s expectations, trapped and stuck and powerless because I lived like their expectations meant that I was obligated. And that made it feel like a violation, like they were doing this to me, like making me feel torn. And so I got angry with them and resentful for having those expectations. And out of that anger and sense that they were doing this to me, I’d get passive aggressive. If they wanted me to be somewhere, well, then I’d be late. And if they wanted me to do something, then I would do it half-heartedly. It’s like, “Ugh, what do they expect?”

And it felt like their expectations were unreasonable. And that’s how I tried to sort this out, to determine if their expectations were reasonable or unreasonable. And it’s not that I would say no to them either way, but if I felt like they were unreasonable, then I’d think that other person, they’re the problem. And it felt like the solution was that they shouldn’t have expectations. Like they just shouldn’t think this way or want this thing for me.

And that also meant that if their expectations seemed reasonable, and I didn’t want to meet those expectations, I thought I was the problem. I felt selfish as though I was denying them something that belonged to them and yet I was angry about it too.

And so trying to solve this by figuring out if it was reasonable or unreasonable was very disempowering because who decides? Like what’s reasonable to one person is unreasonable to another. If it’s reasonable does that negate my feelings about it? I was giving ownership over to someone else just like the dynamics that I’d learned in abuse.

I felt guilty for disappointing them or felt bad for them for feeling disappointed, as though their emotion of disappointment was somehow injuring them. I was doing something to them, taking something from them. And none of of that is true.

I used to fear people being disappointed in me. I’ve experienced wanting or needing something and someone not coming through for me. And I didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. And that sounds so caring. But it’s really about control. I didn’t want them to feel bad, so I didn’t feel bad for them feeling bad. And I needed to fix their feelings so that I would feel okay.

And we’ve all been on the other side of that, someone not being able to tolerate our feelings so they don’t want us to feel it. And how many times has someone tried to control your emotions because they were uncomfortable with them? And that just feels so discounting and dismissive when someone tries to control your emotions—to cheer you up or look at the bright side or offer some platitude and compliance is the same way. None of those are loving because it’s about controlling someone else and what they feel.

And what grows that capacity to be able to be with someone else in that emotion and let them feel those uncomfortable emotions is to be able to sit in your own discomfort, in your own whatever you feel in your emotions. So I’ve survived disappointment and that helps me know it’s not going to kill anyone else either. And so the more you can be there for yourself and with yourself and any emotion, the more you can be there for others and you don’t see it as a threat, so you don’t have to control or fix their emotions.

And that does feel uncomfortable, but the discomfort isn’t dangerous. It’s okay for it to be there. It won’t hurt you and it won’t hurt them to feel those uncomfortable emotions.

So when you’re learning to own your life, to assert your boundaries, to say no, it feels terrible. It really does. And when you stop going along with what anyone else wants, it feels worse before it gets better. And that discomfort is just something you have to pass through before you get to the part where it feels good. There’s just no getting around that.

And one of the uncomfortable emotions is guilt. Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. And I encourage you if you want to look into that more, listen to the episode 6, “Guilt over Setting Boundaries.”

The key thing is to survive neglect and abuse, we adopt other people’s rules about what’s right or wrong. So the things that you feel guilty about might come from those dysfunctional or abusive rules, a rule that serves someone else and gives them unlimited access to you and you don’t have a right to say no or a rule that used to help you comply with others to feel a little safer to get your needs met, to keep yourself from being abandoned or abused more.

So when your guilt is triggered it’s an opportunity to ask yourself, “What rule do I think I’ve broken?” And when you identify that rule, you can question if you still want to live by that.

Does it fit you and your values, how you want to live now? Or is it based on someone else’s? Do you like what it’s intended to do, but maybe it’s too rigid? Maybe you need to make some adjustments.

An example of that is several years ago when I hosted our family Christmas and Don was sick. He was recovering from COVID, but we didn’t realize that he had gotten pneumonia and it was very bad. And I had just recovered from COVID myself. I was feeling much better, but I was still on the tired side. And so I didn’t participate in very many of the family events and outings and fun because I don’t didn’t have a lot of excess energy anyway.

And I found myself feeling a little guilty because my daughter and son -in -law and granddaughter, they only visit once a year and I didn’t end up seeing them very much that visit. And when I looked at what that rule was that was prompting that guilt, what I realized was my rule was, “It’s my job to make sure everyone has a good time.” And first of all, they were having a good time but they just planned their own good time. And they’re adults and they’re completely capable of that. But more importantly, making sure everyone has a good time is another example of trying to control them. It’s impossible. That’s controlling the outcome and trying to control other people’s feelings. I can only control my actions, not what comes after that, and certainly not other people.

So I came up with a different rule. And when I say rule, it’s more of a guideline based on what I value and what’s really important to me rather than what other people expect from me. And I love my family and I love to nurture them, and that’s what the original rule was based on, but it’s a dysfunctional way of expressing it. So my new one was, “I give my best to my family” and my best allows for varying degrees of giving because my best on one day may not be the same as the next day.

On that particular visit, I was still getting my health back and my time and energy and I also needed time and energy for attending to Don. So what I gave to the rest of my family was my best for that particular time.

And just to be clear, it’s not that my daughter or any other family members expressed disappointment. It was all about those internal voices inside me. In fact, I never needed anyone to express disappointment in me to feel controlled by their expectations ’cause most of the time other people weren’t trying to control me. I was just trying to control their opinion of me. Trying to keep them happy with me. I was mind reading and guessing what they wanted and trying to stay ahead of it. And I needed their validation and approval to tell me that I was worthy and I was okay.

Now I don’t judge myself for that. I learned that and abuse and neglect. I wasn’t allowed to develop a strong sense of self. That would have interfered with the violations and the mistreatment. I was completely dependent on some very unreliable people, so pleasing them made me feel like maybe I could keep myself a little safer. And being hyper-aware of other people’s emotions and desires, reading people and anticipating what’s going to make them happy, that becomes a habit. So I don’t judge myself for carrying that into adult life even when I wasn’t dependent on people any longer like that. So I can just have compassion for myself when I notice that.

Now we’re not talking today about getting your self -worth back, but I’ll say the key for me was finding out exactly how those shaming and devaluing messages about my worth came in.

And knowing there was a source, that showed me that I didn’t feel worthless because I actually was worthless. There was a beginning to it based on how someone else treated me.

And if there was a beginning, there could also be an end. And if it was based on someone else’s actions, their behavior, why did I think it was anything to do with my worth. And so that’s a key to start with that.

So someone’s expectations might not be overtly stated. It might not be a verbal request or anything overt. It might just be this unspoken thing that you just feel, this heavy energy that kind of hovers around you making demands, trying to extract something from you.

And maybe it’s something you’ve… you’ve just gone along with. And if you’ve gone along with it, does that agreement then mean you can’t break that agreement? That you can never change your mind?

And can what you think are expectations maybe be assumptions? Or could this be about your own expectations that this person is like a different person that you used to know?

And I’ll share something that I don’t think people pleasers are allowed to admit publicly. I think I read that somewhere in the rule book. But while I craved the feeling of not feeling any demands on me, like someday, that sweet feeling, that sweet relief of nobody wanting anything from me, I was also terrified by that because if they didn’t want me to do something for them, if they didn’t need me, would they still want me around? And so unconsciously, of course, that kept the pattern going because I was afraid of saying no and finding out what would happen. And so if you feel that way, then I have an episode for you on overcoming toxic shame. That’s an episode three. I recommend that.

So what if you’re in relationships where people actually express that you’re disappointing them or you’re a disappointment to them? And what if they insist it’s reasonable for you to do this thing for them? Or they tell you you’re mean or selfish for not meeting their expectations? And in abuse, we survive by tuning out our own voice so we can’t trust our own judgment about what’s reasonable or unreasonable. So we defer to people. They might be right, especially when it’s more than one person saying the same thing and, depending on how much healing you’ve done, you might have a lot more people than just one making those kinds of overt demands on you.

So let me just ask you a question. Who gets to decide what’s reasonable for your life and time and for your energy and for your other resources? I, for one, used to live by committee. If they thought that I should do something, who was I not to do it? In abusive families, they expect you to fit into some patterns that seem very reasonable to them. And if you don’t fit in with their idea of how you should be, you’re the problem. “What? You’re not letting us drain your blood anymore? So selfish!”

And so who gets to decide what’s reasonable for you, what you should do, and what, if anything, that means about you? Who do you give permission to decide those things? If someone says you’re mean, do you automatically believe that? Do you allow them to define you or do you define yourself? And does that mean that’s who you are? Like are there any other parts to you if you’ve done something that is mean? Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, but let’s say you even did something mean. Is that mean? Is that the only thing there is to you and therefore, that’s your identity? Are you only that one thing? Could they feel and think that and actually they’re wrong? What makes you think that their assessment of you is true and valid and without bias?

They’re entitled to think and feel those things. What they think and feel are their business but just make sure you’re handling your business. And your business is to think your own thoughts and feel your own emotions, including about yourself, well, especially about yourself.

When someone protests that you’ve let them down, that can feel like a threat, like they’re opposing you, attacking you, criticizing you. And you might react to the threat by avoiding. And that would be the flight response. And you might get defensive like the flight response, or you might just give in in the freeze response. And what if you could respond in a different way? What if you could take a time out and regulate yourself so you could respond in a more empowered way? And you could tell yourself that, “Hey, they’re just simply telling you how they see things, and they’re communicating how they feel. And that’s different from how you might see things, how from what you want to do. And so that’s not a problem. It’s not a problem to have differences.”

Having differences is perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable. Nothing is wrong here. You’re not being mean or contrary or disagreeable or selfish to want something other than what the other person wants. And if you want to get clear on mental boundaries, then listen to Episode 8, How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting. And what it gets down to is that their expectations are about their desires, their thoughts, their emotions, and all those things belong to them. Those things don’t encroach on your desires, your thoughts, and your emotions, and they don’t negate them. They don’t supersede yours. Another person’s desires and thoughts and emotions aren’t more valid than yours. They aren’t more right or righteous. The other person isn’t more deserving of having what they want than you are. The other person’s desires and thoughts and emotions can exist and they don’t have to impact you. And that also means that their emotions don’t have to control you.

You don’t have to react to their disappointment or sadness or anything else, and it doesn’t have to trigger you to control them. That’s no way to have a relationship. It’s just so much easier to say yes when you don’t feel coerced or pressured, a true yes, when the other person treats your boundaries with respect. Even if they don’t respect your boundaries, you can respect your own boundaries and do what feels right to you. So often we try to manage other people’s desires that we don’t even consider, “What do I wanna do here? Do I wanna say yes? Do I wanna say no? Do I need to say yes? Do I need to say no?”

For me, and it gets down to am I willing and am I able? Is it something I’m a true yes for and do I have the capacity? Because sometimes I’ve been known to hand out my yes a little too liberally. Yes, I wanna do that for you, but when I consider what else is also important to me and what I’ve already said yes to, I just don’t have the capacity. And when I don’t have the capacity, it’s really not a true yes because me going beyond my limits will trigger my threat response. And in my threat, that threatens my well -being to give more than I can afford to give. And if I don’t listen to that, then I’ll feel anger and resentment and I’ll have thoughts, “Hey, what about me?” And I’ve learned that when I ask that question, it’s not asking someone else, “What about me?” I’m asking myself that question, “Hey, Christina, what about me?”

Thanks for joining me today. I’m bringing you more on healing and self -care and boundaries and family and relationship issues, so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of it. When you’re raised in abuse and neglect, you become very aware of other people’s feelings and needs to keep yourself safer and to get your needs met. When you’re sensitive to disappointing people or losing their approval or acceptance, that can lead to exhausting yourself trying to meet their expectations. I’ll share the powerful keys for working through that so you’re in control of your own life and can finally take care of yourself.

When you live by other people’s expectations, it can feel like you’re being torn apart. I used to feel like a victim of other people’s expectations, trapped and stuck and powerless because I lived like their expectations meant that I was obligated. And that made it feel like a violation, like they were doing this to me, like making me feel torn. And so I got angry with them and resentful for having those expectations. And out of that anger and sense that they were doing this to me, I’d get passive aggressive. If they wanted me to be somewhere, well, then I’d be late. And if they wanted me to do something, then I would do it half-heartedly. It’s like, “Ugh, what do they expect?”

And it felt like their expectations were unreasonable. And that’s how I tried to sort this out, to determine if their expectations were reasonable or unreasonable. And it’s not that I would say no to them either way, but if I felt like they were unreasonable, then I’d think that other person, they’re the problem. And it felt like the solution was that they shouldn’t have expectations. Like they just shouldn’t think this way or want this thing for me.

And that also meant that if their expectations seemed reasonable, and I didn’t want to meet those expectations, I thought I was the problem. I felt selfish as though I was denying them something that belonged to them and yet I was angry about it too.

And so trying to solve this by figuring out if it was reasonable or unreasonable was very disempowering because who decides? Like what’s reasonable to one person is unreasonable to another. If it’s reasonable does that negate my feelings about it? I was giving ownership over to someone else just like the dynamics that I’d learned in abuse.

I felt guilty for disappointing them or felt bad for them for feeling disappointed, as though their emotion of disappointment was somehow injuring them. I was doing something to them, taking something from them. And none of of that is true.

I used to fear people being disappointed in me. I’ve experienced wanting or needing something and someone not coming through for me. And I didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. And that sounds so caring. But it’s really about control. I didn’t want them to feel bad, so I didn’t feel bad for them feeling bad. And I needed to fix their feelings so that I would feel okay.

And we’ve all been on the other side of that, someone not being able to tolerate our feelings so they don’t want us to feel it. And how many times has someone tried to control your emotions because they were uncomfortable with them? And that just feels so discounting and dismissive when someone tries to control your emotions—to cheer you up or look at the bright side or offer some platitude and compliance is the same way. None of those are loving because it’s about controlling someone else and what they feel.

And what grows that capacity to be able to be with someone else in that emotion and let them feel those uncomfortable emotions is to be able to sit in your own discomfort, in your own whatever you feel in your emotions. So I’ve survived disappointment and that helps me know it’s not going to kill anyone else either. And so the more you can be there for yourself and with yourself and any emotion, the more you can be there for others and you don’t see it as a threat, so you don’t have to control or fix their emotions.

And that does feel uncomfortable, but the discomfort isn’t dangerous. It’s okay for it to be there. It won’t hurt you and it won’t hurt them to feel those uncomfortable emotions.

So when you’re learning to own your life, to assert your boundaries, to say no, it feels terrible. It really does. And when you stop going along with what anyone else wants, it feels worse before it gets better. And that discomfort is just something you have to pass through before you get to the part where it feels good. There’s just no getting around that.

And one of the uncomfortable emotions is guilt. Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. And I encourage you if you want to look into that more, listen to the episode 6, “Guilt over Setting Boundaries.”

The key thing is to survive neglect and abuse, we adopt other people’s rules about what’s right or wrong. So the things that you feel guilty about might come from those dysfunctional or abusive rules, a rule that serves someone else and gives them unlimited access to you and you don’t have a right to say no or a rule that used to help you comply with others to feel a little safer to get your needs met, to keep yourself from being abandoned or abused more.

So when your guilt is triggered it’s an opportunity to ask yourself, “What rule do I think I’ve broken?” And when you identify that rule, you can question if you still want to live by that.

Does it fit you and your values, how you want to live now? Or is it based on someone else’s? Do you like what it’s intended to do, but maybe it’s too rigid? Maybe you need to make some adjustments.

An example of that is several years ago when I hosted our family Christmas and Don was sick. He was recovering from COVID, but we didn’t realize that he had gotten pneumonia and it was very bad. And I had just recovered from COVID myself. I was feeling much better, but I was still on the tired side. And so I didn’t participate in very many of the family events and outings and fun because I don’t didn’t have a lot of excess energy anyway.

And I found myself feeling a little guilty because my daughter and son -in -law and granddaughter, they only visit once a year and I didn’t end up seeing them very much that visit. And when I looked at what that rule was that was prompting that guilt, what I realized was my rule was, “It’s my job to make sure everyone has a good time.” And first of all, they were having a good time but they just planned their own good time. And they’re adults and they’re completely capable of that. But more importantly, making sure everyone has a good time is another example of trying to control them. It’s impossible. That’s controlling the outcome and trying to control other people’s feelings. I can only control my actions, not what comes after that, and certainly not other people.

So I came up with a different rule. And when I say rule, it’s more of a guideline based on what I value and what’s really important to me rather than what other people expect from me. And I love my family and I love to nurture them, and that’s what the original rule was based on, but it’s a dysfunctional way of expressing it. So my new one was, “I give my best to my family” and my best allows for varying degrees of giving because my best on one day may not be the same as the next day.

On that particular visit, I was still getting my health back and my time and energy and I also needed time and energy for attending to Don. So what I gave to the rest of my family was my best for that particular time.

And just to be clear, it’s not that my daughter or any other family members expressed disappointment. It was all about those internal voices inside me. In fact, I never needed anyone to express disappointment in me to feel controlled by their expectations ’cause most of the time other people weren’t trying to control me. I was just trying to control their opinion of me. Trying to keep them happy with me. I was mind reading and guessing what they wanted and trying to stay ahead of it. And I needed their validation and approval to tell me that I was worthy and I was okay.

Now I don’t judge myself for that. I learned that and abuse and neglect. I wasn’t allowed to develop a strong sense of self. That would have interfered with the violations and the mistreatment. I was completely dependent on some very unreliable people, so pleasing them made me feel like maybe I could keep myself a little safer. And being hyper-aware of other people’s emotions and desires, reading people and anticipating what’s going to make them happy, that becomes a habit. So I don’t judge myself for carrying that into adult life even when I wasn’t dependent on people any longer like that. So I can just have compassion for myself when I notice that.

Now we’re not talking today about getting your self -worth back, but I’ll say the key for me was finding out exactly how those shaming and devaluing messages about my worth came in.

And knowing there was a source, that showed me that I didn’t feel worthless because I actually was worthless. There was a beginning to it based on how someone else treated me.

And if there was a beginning, there could also be an end. And if it was based on someone else’s actions, their behavior, why did I think it was anything to do with my worth. And so that’s a key to start with that.

So someone’s expectations might not be overtly stated. It might not be a verbal request or anything overt. It might just be this unspoken thing that you just feel, this heavy energy that kind of hovers around you making demands, trying to extract something from you.

And maybe it’s something you’ve… you’ve just gone along with. And if you’ve gone along with it, does that agreement then mean you can’t break that agreement? That you can never change your mind?

And can what you think are expectations maybe be assumptions? Or could this be about your own expectations that this person is like a different person that you used to know?

And I’ll share something that I don’t think people pleasers are allowed to admit publicly. I think I read that somewhere in the rule book. But while I craved the feeling of not feeling any demands on me, like someday, that sweet feeling, that sweet relief of nobody wanting anything from me, I was also terrified by that because if they didn’t want me to do something for them, if they didn’t need me, would they still want me around? And so unconsciously, of course, that kept the pattern going because I was afraid of saying no and finding out what would happen. And so if you feel that way, then I have an episode for you on overcoming toxic shame. That’s an episode three. I recommend that.

So what if you’re in relationships where people actually express that you’re disappointing them or you’re a disappointment to them? And what if they insist it’s reasonable for you to do this thing for them? Or they tell you you’re mean or selfish for not meeting their expectations? And in abuse, we survive by tuning out our own voice so we can’t trust our own judgment about what’s reasonable or unreasonable. So we defer to people. They might be right, especially when it’s more than one person saying the same thing and, depending on how much healing you’ve done, you might have a lot more people than just one making those kinds of overt demands on you.

So let me just ask you a question. Who gets to decide what’s reasonable for your life and time and for your energy and for your other resources? I, for one, used to live by committee. If they thought that I should do something, who was I not to do it? In abusive families, they expect you to fit into some patterns that seem very reasonable to them. And if you don’t fit in with their idea of how you should be, you’re the problem. “What? You’re not letting us drain your blood anymore? So selfish!”

And so who gets to decide what’s reasonable for you, what you should do, and what, if anything, that means about you? Who do you give permission to decide those things? If someone says you’re mean, do you automatically believe that? Do you allow them to define you or do you define yourself? And does that mean that’s who you are? Like are there any other parts to you if you’ve done something that is mean? Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, but let’s say you even did something mean. Is that mean? Is that the only thing there is to you and therefore, that’s your identity? Are you only that one thing? Could they feel and think that and actually they’re wrong? What makes you think that their assessment of you is true and valid and without bias?

They’re entitled to think and feel those things. What they think and feel are their business but just make sure you’re handling your business. And your business is to think your own thoughts and feel your own emotions, including about yourself, well, especially about yourself.

When someone protests that you’ve let them down, that can feel like a threat, like they’re opposing you, attacking you, criticizing you. And you might react to the threat by avoiding. And that would be the flight response. And you might get defensive like the flight response, or you might just give in in the freeze response. And what if you could respond in a different way? What if you could take a time out and regulate yourself so you could respond in a more empowered way? And you could tell yourself that, “Hey, they’re just simply telling you how they see things, and they’re communicating how they feel. And that’s different from how you might see things, how from what you want to do. And so that’s not a problem. It’s not a problem to have differences.”

Having differences is perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable. Nothing is wrong here. You’re not being mean or contrary or disagreeable or selfish to want something other than what the other person wants. And if you want to get clear on mental boundaries, then listen to Episode 8, How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting. And what it gets down to is that their expectations are about their desires, their thoughts, their emotions, and all those things belong to them. Those things don’t encroach on your desires, your thoughts, and your emotions, and they don’t negate them. They don’t supersede yours. Another person’s desires and thoughts and emotions aren’t more valid than yours. They aren’t more right or righteous. The other person isn’t more deserving of having what they want than you are. The other person’s desires and thoughts and emotions can exist and they don’t have to impact you. And that also means that their emotions don’t have to control you.

You don’t have to react to their disappointment or sadness or anything else, and it doesn’t have to trigger you to control them. That’s no way to have a relationship. It’s just so much easier to say yes when you don’t feel coerced or pressured, a true yes, when the other person treats your boundaries with respect. Even if they don’t respect your boundaries, you can respect your own boundaries and do what feels right to you. So often we try to manage other people’s desires that we don’t even consider, “What do I wanna do here? Do I wanna say yes? Do I wanna say no? Do I need to say yes? Do I need to say no?”

For me, and it gets down to am I willing and am I able? Is it something I’m a true yes for and do I have the capacity? Because sometimes I’ve been known to hand out my yes a little too liberally. Yes, I wanna do that for you, but when I consider what else is also important to me and what I’ve already said yes to, I just don’t have the capacity. And when I don’t have the capacity, it’s really not a true yes because me going beyond my limits will trigger my threat response. And in my threat, that threatens my well -being to give more than I can afford to give. And if I don’t listen to that, then I’ll feel anger and resentment and I’ll have thoughts, “Hey, what about me?” And I’ve learned that when I ask that question, it’s not asking someone else, “What about me?” I’m asking myself that question, “Hey, Christina, what about me?”

Thanks for joining me today. I’m bringing you more on healing and self -care and boundaries and family and relationship issues, so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of it. When you’re raised in abuse and neglect, you become very aware of other people’s feelings and needs to keep yourself safer and to get your needs met. When you’re sensitive to disappointing people or losing their approval or acceptance, that can lead to exhausting yourself trying to meet their expectations. I’ll share the powerful keys for working through that so you’re in control of your own life and can finally take care of yourself.

When you live by other people’s expectations, it can feel like you’re being torn apart. I used to feel like a victim of other people’s expectations, trapped and stuck and powerless because I lived like their expectations meant that I was obligated. And that made it feel like a violation, like they were doing this to me, like making me feel torn. And so I got angry with them and resentful for having those expectations. And out of that anger and sense that they were doing this to me, I’d get passive aggressive. If they wanted me to be somewhere, well, then I’d be late. And if they wanted me to do something, then I would do it half-heartedly. It’s like, “Ugh, what do they expect?”

And it felt like their expectations were unreasonable. And that’s how I tried to sort this out, to determine if their expectations were reasonable or unreasonable. And it’s not that I would say no to them either way, but if I felt like they were unreasonable, then I’d think that other person, they’re the problem. And it felt like the solution was that they shouldn’t have expectations. Like they just shouldn’t think this way or want this thing for me.

And that also meant that if their expectations seemed reasonable, and I didn’t want to meet those expectations, I thought I was the problem. I felt selfish as though I was denying them something that belonged to them and yet I was angry about it too.

And so trying to solve this by figuring out if it was reasonable or unreasonable was very disempowering because who decides? Like what’s reasonable to one person is unreasonable to another. If it’s reasonable does that negate my feelings about it? I was giving ownership over to someone else just like the dynamics that I’d learned in abuse.

I felt guilty for disappointing them or felt bad for them for feeling disappointed, as though their emotion of disappointment was somehow injuring them. I was doing something to them, taking something from them. And none of of that is true.

I used to fear people being disappointed in me. I’ve experienced wanting or needing something and someone not coming through for me. And I didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. And that sounds so caring. But it’s really about control. I didn’t want them to feel bad, so I didn’t feel bad for them feeling bad. And I needed to fix their feelings so that I would feel okay.

And we’ve all been on the other side of that, someone not being able to tolerate our feelings so they don’t want us to feel it. And how many times has someone tried to control your emotions because they were uncomfortable with them? And that just feels so discounting and dismissive when someone tries to control your emotions—to cheer you up or look at the bright side or offer some platitude and compliance is the same way. None of those are loving because it’s about controlling someone else and what they feel.

And what grows that capacity to be able to be with someone else in that emotion and let them feel those uncomfortable emotions is to be able to sit in your own discomfort, in your own whatever you feel in your emotions. So I’ve survived disappointment and that helps me know it’s not going to kill anyone else either. And so the more you can be there for yourself and with yourself and any emotion, the more you can be there for others and you don’t see it as a threat, so you don’t have to control or fix their emotions.

And that does feel uncomfortable, but the discomfort isn’t dangerous. It’s okay for it to be there. It won’t hurt you and it won’t hurt them to feel those uncomfortable emotions.

So when you’re learning to own your life, to assert your boundaries, to say no, it feels terrible. It really does. And when you stop going along with what anyone else wants, it feels worse before it gets better. And that discomfort is just something you have to pass through before you get to the part where it feels good. There’s just no getting around that.

And one of the uncomfortable emotions is guilt. Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. And I encourage you if you want to look into that more, listen to the episode 6, “Guilt over Setting Boundaries.”

The key thing is to survive neglect and abuse, we adopt other people’s rules about what’s right or wrong. So the things that you feel guilty about might come from those dysfunctional or abusive rules, a rule that serves someone else and gives them unlimited access to you and you don’t have a right to say no or a rule that used to help you comply with others to feel a little safer to get your needs met, to keep yourself from being abandoned or abused more.

So when your guilt is triggered it’s an opportunity to ask yourself, “What rule do I think I’ve broken?” And when you identify that rule, you can question if you still want to live by that.

Does it fit you and your values, how you want to live now? Or is it based on someone else’s? Do you like what it’s intended to do, but maybe it’s too rigid? Maybe you need to make some adjustments.

An example of that is several years ago when I hosted our family Christmas and Don was sick. He was recovering from COVID, but we didn’t realize that he had gotten pneumonia and it was very bad. And I had just recovered from COVID myself. I was feeling much better, but I was still on the tired side. And so I didn’t participate in very many of the family events and outings and fun because I don’t didn’t have a lot of excess energy anyway.

And I found myself feeling a little guilty because my daughter and son-in-law and granddaughter, they only visit once a year and I didn’t end up seeing them very much that visit. And when I looked at what that rule was that was prompting that guilt, what I realized was my rule was, “It’s my job to make sure everyone has a good time.” And first of all, they were having a good time but they just planned their own good time. And they’re adults and they’re completely capable of that. But more importantly, making sure everyone has a good time is another example of trying to control them. It’s impossible. That’s controlling the outcome and trying to control other people’s feelings. I can only control my actions, not what comes after that, and certainly not other people.

So I came up with a different rule. And when I say rule, it’s more of a guideline based on what I value and what’s really important to me rather than what other people expect from me. And I love my family and I love to nurture them, and that’s what the original rule was based on, but it’s a dysfunctional way of expressing it. So my new one was, “I give my best to my family” and my best allows for varying degrees of giving because my best on one day may not be the same as the next day.

On that particular visit, I was still getting my health back and my time and energy and I also needed time and energy for attending to Don. So what I gave to the rest of my family was my best for that particular time.

And just to be clear, it’s not that my daughter or any other family members expressed disappointment. It was all about those internal voices inside me. In fact, I never needed anyone to express disappointment in me to feel controlled by their expectations ’cause most of the time other people weren’t trying to control me. I was just trying to control their opinion of me. Trying to keep them happy with me. I was mind reading and guessing what they wanted and trying to stay ahead of it. And I needed their validation and approval to tell me that I was worthy and I was okay.

Now I don’t judge myself for that. I learned that and abuse and neglect. I wasn’t allowed to develop a strong sense of self. That would have interfered with the violations and the mistreatment. I was completely dependent on some very unreliable people, so pleasing them made me feel like maybe I could keep myself a little safer. And being hyper-aware of other people’s emotions and desires, reading people and anticipating what’s going to make them happy, that becomes a habit. So I don’t judge myself for carrying that into adult life even when I wasn’t dependent on people any longer like that. So I can just have compassion for myself when I notice that.

Now we’re not talking today about getting your self-worth back, but I’ll say the key for me was finding out exactly how those shaming and devaluing messages about my worth came in.

And knowing there was a source, that showed me that I didn’t feel worthless because I actually was worthless. There was a beginning to it based on how someone else treated me.

And if there was a beginning, there could also be an end. And if it was based on someone else’s actions, their behavior, why did I think it was anything to do with my worth. And so that’s a key to start with that.

So someone’s expectations might not be overtly stated. It might not be a verbal request or anything overt. It might just be this unspoken thing that you just feel, this heavy energy that kind of hovers around you making demands, trying to extract something from you.

And maybe it’s something you’ve… you’ve just gone along with. And if you’ve gone along with it, does that agreement then mean you can’t break that agreement? That you can never change your mind?

And can what you think are expectations maybe be assumptions? Or could this be about your own expectations that this person is like a different person that you used to know?

And I’ll share something that I don’t think people pleasers are allowed to admit publicly. I think I read that somewhere in the rule book. But while I craved the feeling of not feeling any demands on me, like someday, that sweet feeling, that sweet relief of nobody wanting anything from me, I was also terrified by that because if they didn’t want me to do something for them, if they didn’t need me, would they still want me around? And so unconsciously, of course, that kept the pattern going because I was afraid of saying no and finding out what would happen. And so if you feel that way, then I have an episode for you on overcoming toxic shame. That’s in episode three. I recommend that.

So what if you’re in relationships where people actually express that you’re disappointing them or you’re a disappointment to them? And what if they insist it’s reasonable for you to do this thing for them? Or they tell you you’re mean or selfish for not meeting their expectations? And in abuse, we survive by tuning out our own voice so we can’t trust our own judgment about what’s reasonable or unreasonable. So we defer to people. They might be right, especially when it’s more than one person saying the same thing and, depending on how much healing you’ve done, you might have a lot more people than just one making those kinds of overt demands on you.

So let me just ask you a question. Who gets to decide what’s reasonable for your life and time and for your energy and for your other resources? I, for one, used to live by committee. If they thought that I should do something, who was I not to do it? In abusive families, they expect you to fit into some patterns that seem very reasonable to them. And if you don’t fit in with their idea of how you should be, you’re the problem. “What? You’re not letting us drain your blood anymore? So selfish!”

And so who gets to decide what’s reasonable for you, what you should do, and what, if anything, that means about you? Who do you give permission to decide those things? If someone says you’re mean, do you automatically believe that? Do you allow them to define you or do you define yourself? And does that mean that’s who you are? Like are there any other parts to you if you’ve done something that is mean? Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, but let’s say you even did something mean. Is that mean? Is that the only thing there is to you and therefore, that’s your identity? Are you only that one thing? Could they feel and think that and actually they’re wrong? What makes you think that their assessment of you is true and valid and without bias?

They’re entitled to think and feel those things. What they think and feel are their business but just make sure you’re handling your business. And your business is to think your own thoughts and feel your own emotions, including about yourself, well, especially about yourself.

When someone protests that you’ve let them down, that can feel like a threat, like they’re opposing you, attacking you, criticizing you. And you might react to the threat by avoiding. And that would be the flight response. And you might get defensive like the flight response, or you might just give in in the freeze response. And what if you could respond in a different way? What if you could take a time out and regulate yourself so you could respond in a more empowered way? And you could tell yourself that, “Hey, they’re just simply telling you how they see things, and they’re communicating how they feel. And that’s different from how you might see things, how from what you want to do. And so that’s not a problem. It’s not a problem to have differences.”

Having differences is perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable. Nothing is wrong here. You’re not being mean or contrary or disagreeable or selfish to want something other than what the other person wants. And if you want to get clear on mental boundaries, then listen to Episode 8, How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting. And what it gets down to is that their expectations are about their desires, their thoughts, their emotions, and all those things belong to them. Those things don’t encroach on your desires, your thoughts, and your emotions, and they don’t negate them. They don’t supersede yours. Another person’s desires and thoughts and emotions aren’t more valid than yours. They aren’t more right or righteous. The other person isn’t more deserving of having what they want than you are. The other person’s desires and thoughts and emotions can exist and they don’t have to impact you. And that also means that their emotions don’t have to control you.

You don’t have to react to their disappointment or sadness or anything else, and it doesn’t have to trigger you to control them. That’s no way to have a relationship. It’s just so much easier to say yes when you don’t feel coerced or pressured, a true yes, when the other person treats your boundaries with respect. Even if they don’t respect your boundaries, you can respect your own boundaries and do what feels right to you. So often we try to manage other people’s desires that we don’t even consider, “What do I wanna do here? Do I wanna say yes? Do I wanna say no? Do I need to say yes? Do I need to say no?”

For me, and it gets down to am I willing and am I able? Is it something I’m a true yes for and do I have the capacity? Because sometimes I’ve been known to hand out my yes a little too liberally. Yes, I wanna do that for you, but when I consider what else is also important to me and what I’ve already said yes to, I just don’t have the capacity. And when I don’t have the capacity, it’s really not a true yes because me going beyond my limits will trigger my threat response. And in my threat, that threatens my well -being to give more than I can afford to give. And if I don’t listen to that, then I’ll feel anger and resentment and I’ll have thoughts, “Hey, what about me?” And I’ve learned that when I ask that question, it’s not asking someone else, “What about me?” I’m asking myself that question, “Hey, Christina, what about me?”

Thanks for joining me today. I’m bringing you more on healing and self -care and boundaries and family and relationship issues, so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of it.