Soothing the Pain While You Heal

Welcome to the Overcoming Sexual Abuse Podcast, where you get the tools and inspiration to help you overcome childhood sexual abuse. I’m your host, Christina Enevoldsen, certified coach, author, and incest survivor, and I’m here to help you heal and live your very best life. 

If you’ve started to face your past, you already know what a painful process it is. So many survivors think that they have to choose between the extremes of feeling overwhelmed by pain or else avoiding it. I’ll show you how to instantly feel better without relying on unhealthy coping methods so that you can follow through with your commitment to heal.

One of the biggest obstacles to healing is the pain or really the fear of the pain. Most of us decide to heal to get away from the pain, and it might be the pain of the abuse experience itself or the effects that we live with. But getting rid of the pain is a big motivation. The trouble is, as you already know, when you face the past, it brings up a lot of pain. And just notice that it brings it up. It’s not going in. It’s all those stored emotions that have been shoved down and stored. So when we try to block the pain of sexual abuse, we don’t block it from coming in. It’s already in. We’re blocking it from coming out.

So the pain of healing is really the pain being purged. And that actually feels great to have that out because bearing emotions requires a lot of energy. It’s been compared to trying to hold a volleyball underwater. That doesn’t leave a lot of energy or focus for our everyday lives.

That stored pain can even cause physical symptoms in our bodies, things like diarrhea or dizziness or headaches or muscle pain or nausea or gastrointestinal upset, pain in the arms and legs, chronic fatigue, arthritis, fibromyalgia, cancer, menstrual problems, and autoimmune issues. It’s a big relief to have those stored emotions out, but it sure feels awful to experience and process them.

And that’s why it’s important to have ways to soothe yourself so you’re not overwhelmed by the pain. Because the mistake that a lot of survivors make is in thinking that the only choice around pain is to be overwhelmed by it or else to avoid it. And the truth is that you can feel it without being engulfed by it. You can feel better using ways that support your well being instead of adding self abuse on top of everything else.

To be in a position to really help yourself, it’s important to know what’s going on internally so you can have compassion for yourself. And it helps to know that you’re not dying when you’re feeling the pain, because sometimes it can feel that way.

So to express just why and how this feels so bad to be in pain, I’m going to give you a brief overview of the nervous system if you’re not already familiar with that. So my dog loves to play with our cat, but the cat doesn’t want to have anything to do with the dog. And the dog spots the cat trying to nap and just charges him. So the cat wakes up in full alert and runs away with the dog right behind him. The trouble comes when the cat runs upstairs thinking it can hide in my room, but the bedroom door is closed.
And then fleeing doesn’t work, so the cat has to fight. And that’s when the hissing and growling starts. So don’t worry, the cat can always get away either from our assistance or from saving himself.

As you might be familiar, that fight -or -flight response is triggered under threat, and that’s called hyperarousal. And that’s supposed to be a temporary state. The danger passes, and then you return to that calm state. And a balanced nervous system is mostly relaxed and at rest. And then when it is aroused, it can quickly return to that regulated state.

So here’s where we bring the pain in. When a child is in physical or her parents, and the child is in distress, and she’s in that sympathetic state. That’s that stress or fight or flight. And when we’re born, we don’t have any ability to regulate ourselves. So the parent comes and attends to the child’s needs and soothes her through their calmness, through their calming response. And maybe that’s gentle rocking or slow patting or stroking,or the soft voice. But whatever it is, it tells the child that she’s not alone and she’s going to be okay. And the child’s distress nervous system comes into regulation, goes back to that calm state through the parent’s nervous system. And that’s called coregulating.

And that repetitive cycle builds memory in the child. She isn’t remembering cognitively, her body is remembering. And that consistent pattern of first being in distress, and then being comforted and calmed, allows her to calm herself. And that becomes familiar to her body. She knows that pattern of stress, comfort and calm. And she knows that pain is only temporary. And that’s a valuable lesson.

When you don’t have parents who help you coregulate, you don’t learn to soothe yourself. You don’t learn how to be present in your pain, what to label the pain, or that being in the pain is survivable and temporary.

My mom was emotionally distant and I can’t remember getting hugs from her when I was upset. She didn’t like when I cried. She needed her peace. So when I was upset, she distanced herself. Instead of learning that pain leads to comfort, I learned that pain leads to abandonment. Instead of learning that that pain was temporary, there was no sense of it ever being over. Abandonment is intolerable to a child because a child can survive being beaten or being sexually violated but can’t survive on her own.
So the abandonment adds another excruciating layer to all of that pain.

And even without that, the nervous system is still in that stress state.
It needs something to return to calm because humans are driven by a biological mandate to find a way to regulate. And when we learn that we can’t rely on people to be there for us, they can’t be trusted, we need something outside of us to regulate.

And so all those dysfunctional ways of being in the world, all those addictions and compulsions are at their core, attempts of regulation. So things like overdrinking or overeating or overworking and all those things that we do in excess that compound the problem are really about not getting enough.

But that compulsion to get more of that substance isn’t about, it’s not about getting more of that. It’s about getting more human connection because it’s not only when we’re children that we need that support by another person when we’re sad or upset or afraid. We never stop needing that.

So there will never be a substance that will be enough because as Rich Litvin says, you can’t get enough of what you don’t really need. And we don’t have a deficiency of alcohol or cookies, so no amount of alcohol or cookies will satisfy us. We crave that connection with humans and to be regulated by a human.

One of the troubling things about this is that when you need a fix, whether that’s some kind of substance or anything else, you might compromise relationships to get it. It’s the very thing that you need, but you reserve this part of yourself that’s that’s for sharing with this coping method instead of risking vulnerability with the human. Maybe you lie about how many drinks you’ve had or hide your empty ice cream cartons so nobody knows or cancel with a friend because there’s no better date than XYZ, whatever you fill in the blank with.

And maybe the most tragic part of all this is that while you’re chasing after those things that will really ultimately never satisfy you, you’re running away from yourself. So you’re chasing after these things and you’re running in the opposite way of yourself. So coping methods are about separation and it’s the same abandonment that you’ve already experienced originally.

And that’s why healing always has to have a relational component to it. You have to experience feeling safe with another person and sharing your pain. In Flourish, and that’s my 12 month healing program, it’s common at the beginning to apologize for sharing something painful with the group. You know, always gauging, “Is my pain too much?” or “Am I too much?” “Will my pain scare you away?” And soon they’re experiencing what a gift it is to have someone witness their pain in a compassionate way and to be there for each other and that transforms the pain. Yeah, it’s still painful, but that support allows them to be in their pain. The pain can be expressed and it can leave and that’s so beautiful.

And that’s because when you’re able to stay with your experience in the presence of another person, two things happen. And the first is that the other person’s nervous system regulates your nervous system. It soothes and calms yours. They’re holding your experience brings containment and grounding so you don’t have to run away from yourself. And second, your brain connects neural pathways that enable you to self regulate. So you may not have had that as a child but you can have that now.

We’re social beings and we’re made to thrive in relationships and we can’t thrive without them. It may not come easily for you but if you take small steps toward others when you’re feeling good, it’ll be much easier when you’re feeling not so good. The more you seek out comfort in people and are rewarded for it, the more your brain learns to associate people with comfort.

And that doesn’t have to mean pouring out your heart or talking about really painful things. It’s so helpful just being with someone, enjoying their presence, someone who’s peaceful and calm and so relaxing and fun activities are perfect.

So let’s talk about other tools because even though relationships are a vital part of being able to soothe yourself without abandoning yourself, there are other tools that you can also use. And remember self soothing isn’t for learning better ways to suppress your pain. Rather, it helps you experience your pain in a conscious and empowered way. It reduces the fear of being emotionally out of control and allows you to express your pain in smaller doses. And that’s the difference between coping methods which help you disconnect and self -soothing which helps you stay present.

As I share a few of these tools, make a note of what appeals to you. You’ll likely recognize some. You might already use some of them but be open to new ideas as well. It’s always good to add to your toolbox.

So my first is breath work. That’s always my favorite. And one of them that I always share is Voo breathing. And that’s where you take a deep breath through your nose and as you exhale through your mouth, you say Voo until you expel all the air. And so I’m going to demonstrate. Voo. And just repeat that. five times or so until you feel calm.

Another great one is confetti breathing. So imagine your discomfort,
whatever that is, the overwhelm, the stress, the anxiety being compacted into one ball. So see it collected in your body, maybe it’s particles or little pieces of paper, but whatever it looks like to you, compact that all and wad it up into a ball. And when you see that compacted together, collected from wherever in your body you’re feeling it, maybe yours can all fit in your hand and maybe it’s really big, maybe it’s the size of a bowling ball. How big do you see it? And just picture that. And how heavy is it? And what does it look like? Like I just compared it to a bowling ball. What would you compare it to? And then as you inhale, see that ball loaded into a cannon.
And then as you exhale, see that ball shoot out of the cannon and break into tiny little pieces of confetti. And then repeat that, collecting any debris left behind so that you get all of it that you didn’t even notice before.

Another one is containment connection. So place your hand on your forehead and place your other hand on your chest. And just hold that and feel what goes on between your hands. And then notice that shift. And when you feel that shift, and it may take a few moments. Next, place your hand that’s on your forehead on your belly while keeping your other hand on your chest. And just hold that and feel what that feels like in your body,
until you feel a shift.

Another one I like is music. One day in the healing process, I was emotionally and physically drained. And I was overwhelmed with memories that came up one right after another. And just then someone verbally attacked me. And I was discouraged and exhausted and completely depleted. So I took a nap first, and when I woke up, I played Fight Song. And I danced and I beat the air with my fist and I cried in frustration. And I sang it over and over until I owned it as my anthem.
There’s something therapeutic about playing meaningful tunes and another one that just came up the other day in the flourish group. We are writing letters to our abusers and anyone who didn’t protect us or wherever there’s anger or frustration or resentment. And one of the songs that we’re using for inspiration is Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. And that’s one that I actually used in my healing. It came out about that time. And I was not in touch with how much anger I felt toward my mother for not protecting me and not believing me. And that song brought out the emotions. That was really helpful for me connecting with myself. And knowing that I wasn’t alone, the lyrics were a witness that somebody else had felt that too.

Water is almost magical in the way it can change your mood. It can be drinking water, just splashing water on your face or running water on your wrists, taking a shower. My absolute favorite is taking an Epsom salt bath. And I make it hot enough that I can tolerate it, but hot enough that I can detox. And so the wonderful thing about it is that Epsom salts, the magnesium, then also has a calming effect. It’s one of those really, really magical things. My next second favorite is sitting next to a fountain listening to the gurgling water. So pay attention when you’re around water, how your mood shifts.

Those are just some ideas of what you can use to soothe yourself while being present in your pain. But I encourage you to create an actual support plan. Make a list at a time when you don’t need it because you’re going to want to have easy access to these tools. And you’re going to want to remember them. So practice them ahead of time and whatever you can compound the effects by combining the tools. So maybe you want to drink some water next to a fountain and however creative ways you can combine these, go for it.

So now you have the tools to manage your pain in a conscious way so you can finally let it out without it overwhelming you. And now you know that pain doesn’t have to be a problem, but there is a real problem. Something that really is truly dangerous and it keeps us repeating the same destructive patterns over and over and it keeps us tied to the past.
And that’s why I want to invite you to my free training. The training is a live virtual event where you learn exactly what it takes to put your past all in the past truly behind you. No more coping, no more managing symptoms, but truly free to choose life on your terms. So to register for free, go to overcomingsexualabuse.com/masterclass and do it right away because it’s coming up soon and it only happens once a year, you don’t want to miss it. It’s epic.