Warning: Abusers Will Shame You For Being Angry About Your Abuse

Angry About Your Abuse

by Christina Enevoldsen

I met with my mom recently. I hadn’t seen her in seven years, other than in a court room, where she sat on the opposing side. She was there in support of my ex-husband while he was being sentenced to fifteen years in prison for sexually abusing my daughter, Bethany.

When my parents sued me for publicly exposing my dad for sexually abusing me, we only had contact through our lawyers. Considering the ways my mother has betrayed my daughter and me, I didn’t ever expect to see or speak with her again.

It started when my mom reached out to my adult daughter, Bethany, in an effort to end their estrangement. Bethany has worked hard at healing from her incest and family betrayal and has created a happy and successful life for herself far apart from abusers.

After Bethany told my mom that she didn’t want contact from her, my mother kept pursuing. My mom’s messages and comments were a reminder of the abandonment, betrayal and disregard for Bethany’s feelings so Bethany happily accepted my offer to intervene.

My mom and I met at the food court at a mall—neutral territory. I was determined to be as gentle as possible so we could remain on the topic of my daughter. I wanted to walk away knowing I’d spoken as clearly as I could, with no excuses for her not understanding how much pain she was causing someone she claimed to love.

I started by telling her that I didn’t believe that she was intentionally hurting Bethany. I meant it as a way to build a bridge in the hope of true communication.

“Of course not! You know my heart,” was my mom’s response.

While I was still living in the abusive system with the beliefs that go with it, I would have been guilted back into “my place”. Part of “my place” was being careful not to offend; I had to speak and act in a way that acknowledged my inferior position.

In my old beliefs, I would have heard (and believed) my mom’s statement as, “You should know by now that I always act in your best interests. Think of all the nice things I’ve done for you. You need to appreciate me instead of questioning my actions or motives.”

But I don’t fall for those manipulations anymore.

Yes, I know my mom’s heart and the actions it has produced. She’s accused me of lying about my abuse, she’s accused my daughter of destroying the family, she’s defended two sexual abusers over her own flesh and blood. Yes, I know her heart.

I responded with, “Mom, you sued me!”

It’s clear to me now that she didn’t expect such a strong answer. Maybe she still expected me to be the “good”, compliant daughter that I used to be.

When that didn’t have the desired effect, she tried another tactic. “You’re so angry! I thought that you had healed more by now.”

She meant it as an accusation, as though there is something wrong with being angry. My mom doesn’t believe that healing and anger are compatible.

The opposite is actually true. I was passive about abuse for years. I considered it normal. I wasn’t angry about the way my parents treated me because I didn’t recognize anything wrong with it. Even if I had, I didn’t consider it wrong to do those things to me. Even if I thought I had some value, I didn’t believe that it was wrong for my own parents to do those things to me.

When I recognized the abuse for what it was, I finally became angry about it. The anger motivated me to create the boundaries that I needed to maintain a safe space. Even after our estrangement, their abuses continued to trickle toward me through gossip, letters, email, comments on my website and finally, the lawsuit.

Even so, I worked through that anger—at least enough to sit across from the woman who hurt me more than any other person I’ve ever known and still be civil and kind to her.

But then she attempted to manipulate me and put me back in “my place”. Yes, that made me angry. Contrary to what my mother believes, being angry about abuse is a reflection of my healing, not my lack of healing. Anger is a normal, healthy response to injustice.

Even the fact that she suggested that I should be over my anger by now is dismissive. Angry for what? My mother has never acknowledged that she’s done anything wrong to me. In her view, I was the one who abused them. What does she think I should be over?

Of course my abusive mother tried to shame me for being angry. Becoming angry about my abuse was my transition from being a victim to being empowered. It’s the voice that shouts, “Stop!” or “No!” It motivates me to take action and stand up for my rights. Anger was my shift into validating myself instead of the devaluing lies. Since I’ve owned my power, my mom’s ownership of me ended.

I’d love to hear your feelings and experiences about being angry about your abuse. Have you been judged for being angry? What do you feel when someone says, “You’re angry”? Please share your thoughts with me below and remember to subscribe to the comments so you don’t miss any of the discussion. You can post anonymously and emails are never shared publicly.

Christina Enevoldsen

I’m Christina Enevoldsen and I’m the cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse and the author of The Rescued Soul: The Writing Journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal. My passion is exploring new ways to express my empowered new life. I’ve recently discovered the joy of waterslides, the delightful scented lotion from Bath & Body Works, “Dark Kiss” and hosting princess tea parties for my granddaughters. My husband and I live in Scottsdale, Arizona and share three children and six grandchildren.
Related Posts:

Exposing the Incest Family Secrets
Casting Off The Shame of Sexual Abuse
Life-Saving Anger

Warning: Abusers Will Shame You For Being Angry About Your Abuse

38 thoughts on “Warning: Abusers Will Shame You For Being Angry About Your Abuse

  • November 15, 2015 at 7:41 am
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    Greetings —

    Whenever an estranged family member tries contact me, I get angry and stay angry for a few days. I have made my point clear to them that I want to be left alone from them. And then I get it from close friends that I need to “let it go.” What my close friends (and folks on the outside) don’t understand is my estranged family does not respect my choices. I went public in naming all of my abusers, including non family members, on my blog. This prompted the same estranged family member to leave a comment, saying to “stop naming names and descriptions of relations.” I replied, “over my dead body.” Another example is I changed my middle and last names 4 years ago today. My mother (also estranged, as well as my father) refuses to acknowledge my legal name; only by my birth name. Again, no respect from these people, my first-ever bullies. And folks want me to “not get angry”? That it’s just a “family issue” (words from a police officer from the Cleveland Division of Police)? I want what it is that they’re smoking because they speak as if they are not in touch with reality. Thirty-two years of abuse overall, and I’m being told to “stop being angry.” No, never. My anger, my rage against those who have abused me and have failed to protect me will never go away. My anger serves as a reminder that it is okay to be in touch with my feelings because they are as valid as I am a human being. I would rather be angry and free than to be compliant and abused. Thank you for this article.

    Reply
    • November 15, 2015 at 11:25 am
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      Vera,
      Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s so frustrating when they keep coming back again and again. It’s also a good way to see, “Nope, no changes there!” which validates the decision to create better boundaries. When I saw how much my parents betrayed me in adulthood in undeniable ways, it confirmed what I had always felt (but doubted) from my childhood. It was a kind of weird way to be validated!

      Christina

    • September 19, 2016 at 6:52 pm
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      This is how i feel also. I was abused physically for 10 years by my ex husband. All his family members keep telling me to move on. But not one really sat down and spoke to me about it. Not one took a piblic stand on my behalf. Not one stood up to him in private. I was dismissed and was told I am lucky to have escaped and that I should just move on. But anger still remains so i cut them off and out of my life. They cannot understand that I am angry because everyone consents to what he did by saying nothing, reacting nothing, doing nothing. Everyone pretends as if nothing happened, its not even discussed. I have not had any closure.

    • September 19, 2016 at 6:55 pm
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      I feel as if I am the abusive one for ranting about it, for raging about it, for calling them out on it. For asking them to believe me.

      But in all the times Ive raged, never did they say anything at that moment. It was always a flat reaction. Not refuting, not disputing, just nothing.

      From a point of view it may be a way of apologizing but it really is not what I need from them. They were my family once too and it hurts to be let down.

  • November 15, 2015 at 8:36 am
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    I could replace your moms name with my ex’s and the court case with the custody case. I knew what was happening but this has enabled me to put it in words.

    Reply
    • November 15, 2015 at 11:25 am
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      I’m glad you’re able to put your experience into words now, Ken!

  • November 15, 2015 at 12:13 pm
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    I believe if my mom would have acknowledged that she encouraged the abuse and was a huge part in it, It would have destroyed her forever. She could not live with herself if she felt my and my daughters pain. She could not have gotten anyone to believe she was better than a saint and I should be locked up in a crazy room or out of the country. My biggest regret was that I continued to try and torture both of my parents until they died that I was obidient to there wishes and it only hurt me. They thrived on my craziness cause it justified their sainthood. I could have healed quicker if I would have removed myself permanently which is all I really wanted before they died. I choose to have nothing to do with any family member that reminds me of them and my life is way much better today. All 50 of them witnessed extreme violence and what a porn freak my father was and never said a word but stuck up for my poor mother. The man would have served a lifetime in prison today. They to would just like to forget that they did nothing when innocent children were deeply hurting.

    Reply
  • November 15, 2015 at 2:42 pm
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    Thank you so much for sharing your story! You are such an inspiration!

    I am only recently getting in touch with anger about being abused. I was shamed for anger for so long I thought I didn’t have the right to be angry. When I became a Christian, I was told to forgive & forget. It’s taken me until my current age (mid 40’s) to realize that anger has its place. It’s a part of healing. It also is a very useful tool in making healthy changes. My word, even Jesus got angry! Your story confirmed what I have been feeling recently. Thank you! It’s helped me more than you know.

    Reply
    • November 17, 2015 at 9:06 am
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      Cynthia, I’m glad you feel validated!

    • July 24, 2016 at 1:02 pm
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      yes, even religion can be used to keep denial of abuse in place.I’m so glad you are healing!

    • January 5, 2017 at 10:34 am
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      The bible says to forgive those who have REPENTED, not anyone and everyone who has done wrong. Many Christians misunderstand this. To forgive ongoing sin is ENABLING sin. When an abuser continues to try to justify or downplay the sin, then the ongoing sin is justifying and downplaying of the actions that need repentance.

  • November 15, 2015 at 7:09 pm
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    Of course I’m angry. I have a hell of a lot to be angry about. What was done to me has had an enormous impact on me and my whole life and further – on my own family – and not for the better. I’ve had to struggle to overcome much that otherwise would never have been and could have taken advantage of many opportunities that, due to the consequences of the first 25+ years of my life, I could not.

    But – I’ve known for a long time now that, in my case at least, there is zero reason to turn any of this anger directly on those who have caused it. Some people have utterly no capacity to even comprehend that anything they did could or might have ’caused harm’ – even though so much was flagrantly criminal, not simply ‘abusive’ (if anything can be described as ‘simply abusive’). Some people are psychopathic and narcissistic to such a degree that they have utterly no capacity to see beyond their own needs and wants to how those needs and wants impact on another – even their own children. They will never change. The manipulation will never end.

    With parents (abusers) like that – once you are strong enough to do so – the only healthy response is to totally remove them from your life and then get on with healing your own self in safety.

    The harder part can be working out where to draw the line as even other people who had no direct involvement in any abuse often simply do not want to know about it. It’s often “too hard” for people to hear and know that such things happened anywhere within their own circles at all. If I (or anyone) dares mention anything re how it has impacted on me or my life and express any anger or hurt about this – yes. I too am told to “just don’t talk about that” – get on with things as if it never happened. To people like that it’s shameful to have to face up to the fact that these things happened while they were around yet – they did not want to see or know – and they did nothing to help.

    Again – the need to protect others’ feelings becomes more important than expressing our own true feelings re what happened to us, just as looking after the feelings of our abusers and meeting their needs was more important than the harm their needs and wants caused us. That’s not what healing is about.

    Reply
    • November 17, 2015 at 9:20 am
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      Kallena,

      The only way I was able to truly deal with my anger in a healthy way was to direct it toward those who hurt me. I don’t mean that they even necessarily knew the extent of my anger. I mean that, in my own heart, I acknowledged that they were the source of my pain and that I deserved better. I wrote letters that I didn’t send, (though eventually, I posted them on this site). It didn’t have anything to do with whether or not they were capable of better or if they knew they were hurting me. My anger wasn’t a punishment or a judgment about what they deserved.

      Directing my anger toward my abusers wasn’t about getting them to change; it was about getting me to change. I needed to evaluate my relationship and ask for my needs to be met (such as equal value). When that request was met with scorn, I need to leave the relationship. So directing my anger is about empowering myself.

      Christina

  • November 15, 2015 at 8:40 pm
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    I was abused by my father. When I started having flashbacks I started purging to have some control over my body. Then when that wasn’t enough I started to burn myself. Then I turned to cutting to numb the pain or get the anger out. I quit doing those things and my therapist is wanting me to get my anger out instead of going to sad all the time. It was a lot easier to take the anger out on myself than to whack the punching bag she has.

    Reply
  • November 16, 2015 at 12:49 am
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    My mother told me I was playing victim when I git angry with her for staying so close to my ex husband, who was abusive to me and our kids for 25 years. If someone treated my daughter and my grandkids the way my ex husband treated us, you can bet I wouldn’t be giving him a Christmas present, but she and her husband talked about it and decided they’d give him 50$ for Christmas. This is the second Christmas after our divorce! Yes, I’m angry about that. No, I’m not your victim. I’m just pissed.

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  • November 16, 2015 at 4:02 am
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    This was so validating. I’ve had so many ignorant although well-intentioned people over the years tell me I shouldn’t be so angry. But like you, my anger started the day I began to heal. I tolerated everything as a child, I didn’t know any better. The more I healed, the angrier I got, and the more people around me told me how to feel (or not feel). Fortunately I didn’t listen to them. It’s wonderful to see other people having this same realisation.

    Reply
  • November 16, 2015 at 4:41 am
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    Thank you!! You expressed the way the woman who adopted me and abused me and let others abuse me belittles me. She pretends she’s perfect, I am always wrong, I should accept that I am a lower life form of limited intelligence. She does not care about me, does not acknowledge how insane and awful my life with her was. In fact, she enjoys believing that I am abusive and mean and crazy because I won’t come over and do all her work for her in addition to taking care of my house, and sons and working full time. She has never lifted a finger to help me. Well, only if I begged and humiliated myself, then she used to make the tiniest half hearted passive aggressive attempt . I am angry, but working on my life now. I find the questions about how could she and why did she sometimes wake me up at night. But there are no answers, she is a crazy, mean, cold blooded person. The damage she has done to me, I need to address and undo that. There will never be any sort of accountability or taking responsibility on her part.

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  • November 16, 2015 at 4:52 am
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    Yep. My ex-husband and his flying monkey brother said that l need anger management therapy. That attitude still makes me angry, even years later. I am entitled to be angry, outraged even. The depths they went to downplay the abuse and make everything my fault is downright maddening. I had and still have a right to be angry. I had and still have a right to be happy, safe, and away from abuse too. I have the right and responsibility to protect our child, because she has the right to be happy, safe, and away from abuse too.

    The blaming, shaming, and finger-pointing are all deflection tactics of an abuser. The abusers want us and everyone else to think there’s something very wrong with us, not them.

    Reply
  • November 16, 2015 at 10:29 am
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    If there’s anyone I can talk to for advice because of what’s gone on anything I write on social media can be used against me as slander since my 5 yr old daughter can’t disclose or wouldn’t I feel let down by the system in the worst ways anyone who knows the system with the police who can help me get justice for my daughter she’s not a liar and neither am I but I refuse to brush everything under the carpet I refuse to let these bad ppl get away with what they did to my innocent daughter sometginf has to be changed with th
    e system it’s easy for these ppl to get away with it is there anyone that specialises I’m cases where kids aren’t even being allowed to disclose for lack of evidence and so called tainting of the case please I am a mother who wants to be a good one

    Reply
  • November 16, 2015 at 6:46 pm
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    Although I tried for years to mend the rift with my abusive father, who physically and emotionally abused my mother and me starting when I was 9 yrs old, he started the abuse all over again, even as an adult in my 30s. At that point, I told him to go to hell and severed my relationship with him. We could not have any interaction without him abusing me. He threatened me through an estate attorney, because I would not surrender two candlesticks left to me in my grandmother’s will. I called his attorney and told him I would file charges against him with the Bar and bring suit in civil court. He completely backed off and told my father to find another attorney. I returned the two items to my father and also told him we were done for good. He disinherited me. Fine with me, I did not want anything from him and am self made, don’t need it. He tried to shame me, but I was so done with him I didn’t care. That was 30 yrs ago and I have never regretted it. He was malignant and I believed I had a choice of either hanging on and being sick like him, or cutting out the sickness and moving on. He really picked the wrong person to abuse. My brother and sister also decided to cut him off. That’s the only way you really become free. Cut their malignant behavior out of your life and if necessary, that may also mean cutting them out, too!

    Reply
  • November 17, 2015 at 5:11 pm
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    The biggest relief I have had from the self hatred and anger at others is when I attended a workshop with Michael Consari with the Assissi Institute. During the workshop, he made a statement which hit me as ‘truth’. He essentially said: you were abused, abandoned, lost a child or a parent, or whatever horrible event(s) took place in your life–you do not have to get over this, and never really do– and if others’ are angry or insistent or not understanding about your trauma, it is their discomfort, not yours. Your trauma is a part of you, you cannot just get over it, nor should you be expected by anyone-including abusers, counsellors, spouses, etc.– to just get over something that changed you so dramatically. Your trauma is a part of who you are now. Wear it proudly–use it to create a world where we can and do talk about the devastating consequences of trauma and to show how strong you are despite someone’s very real attempt to dismiss you and your feelings.

    Reply
    • July 24, 2016 at 1:05 pm
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      Thank you for this. We don’t “get over” it – we learn to live with ourselves, be kind to ourselves and stay clear, grounded with good boundaries. We own our power.

  • December 8, 2015 at 9:33 am
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    A narcissistic church counselor (who faked being legit therapist but was unlicensed, and church allowed him to “practice” there), said I could get counseling there for nominal fee. My spouse was amping up his abuse and destructive behaviors. I needed strength and resolve for healthy boundaries and steps to take. The Narc counselor met with me many times and focused solely on my anger and how it was wrong. I was never allowed to speak in sessions, and he just printed off articles about anger which were then read in therapy. I knew it was wrong. I just didn’t have the courage or just fully understand how messed up this guy was to tell him off. On top of that, he also was contact with my mom (my other main abuser) in secret and was taking payments from her for my sessions. I was a 34-year old married mother-of-two at the time. After that the scales just fell off my eyes about my mom, family of origin, inlaws, that church, etc. and I fully embraced my anger towards those who targeted me. I stopped making excuses for them.

    Reply
  • December 8, 2015 at 10:16 am
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    Hi Christina,
    I had a similar talk with my mother in 1981 and she said “Life is what you make it” so I attended university and got a BA in Sociology and yes she’s right life IS what you make it. I learned and experienced all about abuse issues and worked in domestic violence and gained a lot of insight into how families operate.

    My mother invited me to Christmas dinner one time and told me she wanted me to sit next to my then brother-in-law and I said “No way” He was the abuser and she did this?! She knew, she knew. I have not spoken to my mother in over 25 years. She’s gone now and so is the offender. I am free! I am healing and I am alive with a voice. I have a voice.

    Yes, life is what you make it. 🙂

    Linda

    Reply
  • December 8, 2015 at 12:17 pm
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    Every single time I responded with anger to abuse I was shamed and punished and labeled. Of course that later became “acting crazy again”. Always triggering to me. No. My mother wanted me in her compliant box too shamed to ever speak up. Going against her wishes meant she cut me off after threats. Then complete denial of any responsibility on her part. My brother was coached in entitlement to be her flying monkey. They had me so convinced I was useless trash that they tolerate. I was the one never allowed a voice. After setting my boundry her final words were: Im sorry you feel that way. Look it up. I did. It is an abusive statement.

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  • December 8, 2015 at 3:03 pm
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    You have provided me with words for what I have always experienced with my family of origin–my abusers. Shaming for getting angry has been one of the primary ways they’ve abused and sought to control me or put me in my place as you’ve so aptly described. Always, my anger has been about their immense injustice and emotional cruelty, and I was forbidden to point it out or tell them to stop hurting me. I am so glad I found your website today!

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  • December 8, 2015 at 5:37 pm
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    About a year ago I tried to explain to my mother that I had anger issues because of the way she and the rest of my family treated me (having no respect for my feelings, bullying me, making me the scapegoat in the family, etc.). Her response? That I shouldn’t be embarrassed about having anger issues and that she has known other people in her life that had to go to anger management classes! This is how crazy Ns are. No empathy whatsoever. No acknowledgement of any responsibility on their part.

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  • December 8, 2015 at 7:28 pm
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    Hi Christina! first I just have to say your book is awesome! When I read it I felt validated on levels so profound that I couldn’t believe I was finally understood in ways that I didn’t know were possible. Don’t get me started on anger…;-) To hear how healthy it is makes me feel so validated because I thought I had a long ways to go because I still find myself getting triggered by people who remind me of my mom.

    The best and worst experience I’ve ever had was when I went to confront my mom on the abuse and her response was “would you like to hear what I’ve been through”. The rage I felt inside was terrifying to me because in that moment i actually wanted to kill her and I swear I had an angel looking out for me because i was able to restrain myself and walk away. Not only did this women torment me all my life but she almost turned me into a killer. When someone can bring that kind of darkness out in another human been it’s time to cut the cancer out and move on. My family is cancer to me and since I divorced all of them, I feel like my true self is emerging. She still has some areas that need some healing and that’s ok. I invest my time and energy reading books like yours to help me heal and also to feel loved and supported. You have no idea how much you have helped my healing process, I’m truly honored to be part of your circle. Namaste!

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    • December 10, 2015 at 1:01 am
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      Hi Lora,
      Thanks for the feedback about my book. I’m delighted that you felt validated and understood through it.

      Your mom’s comment sounds so much like my mom. I agree about moving on from people like that. It’s like breathing fresh air for the first time after leaving such a toxic relationship.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Christina

  • December 9, 2015 at 11:39 am
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    When my mum was 4, she was molested by her step grandfather. He would sit her on his lap, and rub against her. She grew up in a violent home. Years later, my mum married my stepdad, he too was violent, an alcoholic, and abused all of us. I was raped and abused at age 4. For years, I could remember the feelings, remember a face who I didn’t know, and knew of sex acts that no 4 year old should know. I was always afraid of males, especially when they get an aroused look. Once in college, (art school) a male model (I didn’t know he was the nude for the class) started chatting with me and then started to take off his clothes. I panicked and left the room, building, ran 20 blocks all the way to my room across town. When I first had sex with my husband, I had to do it in the dark, close my eyes. This went on for two years this way. It wasn’t until, when I had some therapy, that I learned that these responses were due to trauma, and that I have PTSD, and most probably have had it my whole life. When I told my mum about this, she called me dumb, (When I was a teenager I became an anorexic, in hopes of disappearing and not being looked at in a sexual way) and she would say I should stop being so stupid and stealing the attention and she would say, “. .. if a guy made a move on me, I’d run like a dog with it’s tail between it’s legs…” She called me gay. She told me that she thought I had never been molested. It wasn’t until her death, and a conversation my youngest sister had with her dad, that he, indeed talked about me at age 4, being gone for 3 hours, then when the neighbourhood went looking for me, they found me completely naked under a 13 year old boy. No one took me to the doctors, no one filed a police report, no one did anything. I wondered, what the hell was my mum doing to allow a 4 year old outside alone and NOT KNOW where she was! I have had this in my brain for 40 plus years, and all my mum talked about was how her life was so horrible due to her being molested at age 4. You could never compete, (as if this was a contest) My mum denied everything, then added insult to injury. She called names, told other people I have problems, that I have cognitive dysfunction (A word she heard my stepdad use in talking to me) I swear, she didn’t know how to spell this, much less understand what it means. I’m glad she’s gone. I just wish my pain was gone as well. I even went and got a degree in Psychology to try and understand my family dynamics.

    Reply
    • July 22, 2016 at 4:32 pm
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      Sounds like your mom totally checked out when you were 4, the same age her abuse occurred. So sorry this happened!

  • March 30, 2016 at 10:10 am
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    Wow! You have clear and powerful words! Thanks to Emerging From Broken, I saw your name brought up and linked to your article. I love your words, your journey, your wisdom. Thank you.

    I have a one time partial sexual abuse from an older brother as a teenager, but that was not the whole problem. He has been abusive to me in so many ways for so many years, including keeping his children from me (their aunt) as if I did something horribly unthinkable. Never could find anything in me nor get an answer of his behaviors from him. His wife has joined the hatefest. Basically, he has orchestrated leaving me out of family activities for many years. My mother died after I chose to cut her out of my life, as she had directly orchestrated and permitted this dysfunction with him. I do not regret my decision to turn away from the people who brought ridiculous and insane problems and remarks, unwarranted, into my life. It was a tough journey because I wanted justice, peace, truth, harmony. It never came. It was worse if I stood up for myself, or if I sought help while my ex was physically abusing me. They actually offered my ex abuser support because “We know Laurie. She probably drove you to do it”.

    Well, after all this, I got the final laugh and justice. 3 of my siblings who despised me, were emotionally abusive to me and kept their kids from me, while, sadly, all of their kids have severe mental or drug problems and their comments about their parents are very revealing – some have disappeared, committed suicide, or in jail – and their parents’ health is failing. I have 1 brother that I remain close to (who also sees the dysfunction), and 4 children with good healthy bodies, minds and hearts and we remain as a supportive family to this day. In fact, my daughters are a credit to putting the family back together after my divorce from their abusive father. The evidence is revealing.

    I remind myself of these blessings, and smile with appreciation when I get that rare phone call from any of my estranged siblings attempting to act as if nothing was ever wrong.

    Thank you for sharing your personal, empowered, vulnerable, and wise experiences.

    Reply
    • March 30, 2016 at 5:58 pm
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      Hi Laurie,
      Welcome to OSA! I’m sorry for all that crap you’ve been going through with your family. It sure sounds familiar. I’m sure you’ll relate to a lot of articles here. There are too many of us who share this common experience of family rejection and betrayal. Thanks for sharing!
      Christina

    • July 22, 2016 at 4:35 pm
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      I relate so much to your story. I also feel that the well being and wholeness of my grown children is a testament to the hard work I’ve done – healing, healing, healing.

  • June 28, 2016 at 5:29 pm
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    ‘When that didn’t have the desired effect, she tried another tactic. “You’re so angry! I thought that you had healed more by now.” ‘

    Of all the nerve!!!

    Reply
  • July 22, 2016 at 4:28 pm
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    Christina, this blog is amazing. I am in awe at the depth of the sharing going on here.

    I have a lot to learn about anger. I was on the receiving end of so much rage and anger in my childhood that I became the peacemaker. I was stoic, not allowing myself to rage back.
    When I was 4&5, my dad would knock my head against my brothers head when the 2 of us argued. My brother, 4 yrs older, bullied me. I stood up to him as best I could – with my intelligence – I fought back with words.

    When I got older, I had headaches whenever I got angry.

    I was so angry with my dad, I wanted to kill him when I was in high school. What stopped me was reason – I knew no one would believe me and I’d go to jail or a mental hospital.
    I’ve burned, torn up, buried or given away “things” that they gave me. I’m pretty much at peace with my parents – and still working on my feelings about my siblings.
    I carried the guilt for the whole family. I felt responsible because I believed I saw and heard what no one else could. I knew things they didn’t know.

    My child thinking was that this made me feel they couldn’t be held accountable.

    More recently I’ve recognized that they were flat out lying.

    Getting clear about that has brought me peace. I quit doing mental and moral contortions to make it ok – exhausting!
    Lying is done with intention. By choice. I don’t feel guilty anymore. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted.

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  • July 23, 2016 at 11:45 am
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    I am 30 years now married and having kid too. What is upsetting me so much ,killing me like slow poison .. Those memories are repeating again when I see any abuse news in TV or newspaper. I was 9 yrs when my parents left me alone with my relative , who was responsible to take care of me. That day that time seem to be worst day in my life. I was so childish that he started to cuddle me, holding me tight…within fractions I did not even know what happened. He warned me of not telling it to parents and he also told that it was a game. After so many years when I realized what actually physical relationship means, I realized I was abused. I still pray to God to remove these memories from my head , heart and soul.. I really have to come out of it … I pray God to give me strength …

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  • July 24, 2016 at 1:08 pm
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    You will find a lot of support on this blog. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself the way you’ve always needed to be loved.

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