What We Wish Our Parents Understood About Our Sexual Abuse

May 1st, 2012 | By | Category: All Posts, Family Rejection, For Parents

What We Wish Our Parent Knew About Our Sexual AbuseOne of the deepest sources of pain for sexual abuse survivors is the lack of support from family members, especially from parents. Over and over again, survivors of abuse have expressed the feeling that as destructive as sexual abuse is, it’s the abandonment and betrayal of their parents that hurt the most.

Conversely, when a child is believed and supported in childhood, the effects of the abuse are significantly diminished. Many parents don’t learn about the abuse until their child is grown, but understanding and support remain important even for adult survivors.

We asked survivors to share their stories and feelings about their abuse and the rejection of their parents. This is a collection of their thoughts, from their hearts, in their own words. For their full stories, you can read here.

Hear Me
I want more than anything for my mother to HEAR me…Just HEAR me. I was told to shut up. From that I learned that I didn’t have a voice. I was never safe in my own home, nor was I ever protected. I was stripped of MY innocence. What could I have done so bad to deserve that abuse? I still can’t get my mother to see the pain I’m in.

I’m beyond angry and hurt but if they are at least WILLING to HEAR and VALIDATE my feelings, that could be the first step to the truth and a new beginning.

I’m beyond angry and hurt but if they are at least WILLING to HEAR and VALIDATE my feelings, that could be the first step to the truth and a new beginning. My mother doesn’t love herself, nor is she willing to get past denial. After all I have been through—as I sit here and type, I bawl my eyes out—I only wish my mother could UNDERSTAND that it’s not the sexual and physical abuse I endured that causes me ALL the pain. It is her DENIAL as well. Maybe it’s the child in me wanting a mother’s love but raping and beating didn’t break my heart. Her DENIAL, LIES and BETRAYAL did.

Don’t Tell Me To Be Strong–YOU Be Strong
Dear Mom,
When I was little, you let me know that I could never go to you with a problem. You would yell at me whenever I asked, “Mom?” If I even had the courage to go on and ask you or tell you what I wanted to, you’d yell at me, “Ahh, great, just great! Don’t you think I have enough problems?” I was seven, Mom. And since I was seven, I’ve been trying not to be a problem, Mom.

I didn’t want to be bad, I didn’t want to cause you anymore problems, so when the babysitter’s friend started molesting me and forcing me to give him oral sex, I was nine, and I was confused, but I wanted to be good for you, Mom. I didn’t want to be the problem.

And when I spoke up, where were you? When I talked to that detective, that night, I didn’t cry on your shoulder, you cried on mine, you asked me to forgive you. I was exhausted, I just wanted to sleep…You never asked me if I was okay, or if I wanted to talk about it sometime, or if it was even okay for you to touch me at all, you just drenched my shoulders in your tears. I was the strong one for you. You had been devastated by the truth that your child was the victim, but instead of helping me, you asked me to make you feel better… so I did… I told you it was okay, that you were okay.

You have never let me talk to you about it because you get too emotional about it. Suck it up! It happened to ME! I WENT THROUGH IT, and YOU can’t EVEN stand to hear it? How DARE you expect ME to be STRONG when YOU can’t even LISTEN to ME!

You have never let me talk to you about it because you get too emotional about it. Suck it up! It happened to ME! I WENT THROUGH IT, and YOU can’t EVEN stand to hear it? How DARE you expect ME to be STRONG when YOU can’t even LISTEN to ME!

I will not go to you for support because you haven’t shown me I can trust you, you haven’t shown me you care about what I went through. You haven’t shown me it’s okay to talk about it. You have protected yourself from any possible damage it may cause to listen to me. You kept your distance away from me and my demons to protect yourself. You are selfish and I don’t want to be near you either. You never created a safe environment for me to show you my wounds. Why would I want a hug from you? Or for you to play with my hair? Or for you to rub my back? You have hurt me and you touching me at all makes me sick.
Heather Franklin

Believe Me
My mother used to be one of my best friends. I disclosed everything to her shortly after the memories of the abuse started resurfacing as an adult. I expected her to believe and support me. I was shocked when she didn’t.

She never blatantly accused me of lying because she had decided that there must be something mentally wrong with me. It was easier for her to believe I was crazy than to believe that my father had molested and raped me until I was twelve.

I’ve made tremendous progress with my healing in a relatively short period of time. But it feels like I’m having to heal from so much more than just the abuse. For the first time ever, I’m seeing my mother’s role in all of this. I don’t believe she knew what was happening. But she saw a depressed, withdrawn five year old who would fly into rages toward her father, only her father—a five year old who had insomnia and night terrors almost nightly—a five year old who was suicidal and hurting herself.

My mother did nothing then. But I’ve forgiven her for that. I’ve begged HER to let go of the past and make different, healthier choices right now. To be my mother now, to see, hear, believe and support me now. Her response was that she would never stop supporting him, even if he was a demon from hell. She said she made vows that she will always respect and honor, even if he did rape me for years. She said she believes that is the right choice, that God will support that decision. Really? Really? I love this woman so deeply and I mean so little to her? I’ve always meant so little to her?

What would it mean to me if my mom supported my healing? I would feel safe and protected, the way I was never able to feel as a child. I would know that I was worth being saved, even if she didn’t see it then.

Her reaction to my disclosure, her disbelief, her twisting reality around, her not caring about me has been the hardest, most devastating aspect of my healing process. At times, her rejection feels even more traumatizing than the actual abuse. I’m learning that just like my father, I lost her decades ago when she decided it was easier for her to just stop looking at me. My heart is so completely broken.

What would it mean to me if my mom supported my healing? Made an effort to understand my pain? Stopped telling me I was crazy? I would feel safe and protected, the way I was never able to feel as a child. I would know that I was worth being saved, even if she didn’t see it then. I would feel loved. My inner child, that child who endured a horrific crime would finally be able to hold her mommy’s hand and feel comfort.
Nikki Kluj

Don’t Expect Me To Make The Decisions–You’re the Adult
I had been fantasizing about my disclosure for years. I had dropped subtle hints to teachers and trusted adults, which were either ignored or which went right over their heads. What I wished for more than anything was someone to say, “I will protect you as best I can, and I am proud of you for the courage it took to say these words to me. I will be here for you if you need me, whether to talk or not talk, to cry or not cry, and to know you are safe.”

I decided to disclose everything to my mother, but I knew that my “father” was also home. I was late coming home and when I walked in the door, I was bombarded with angry faces and words, so I shouted out, “You want to know why I’m home late? I was trying to decide whether to go to the police because dad has been sexually abusing me for years!”

What I wished for more than anything was someone to say, “I will protect you as best I can, and I am proud of you for the courage it took to say these words to me. I will be here for you if you need me, whether to talk or not talk, to cry or not cry, and to know you are safe.”

After a moment of shock, he denied everything and she accused me of lying. After relaying details that I felt could not be the product of “making something up”, he finally admitted to it and she grabbed a knife and started to go after him with it. I stopped this attack by yelling, and much of what comes after is a blur.

She could not make a decision to “break up the family” on her own, and they told me that I would decide what happens next. As a seventeen year old, what I wanted was safety and validation and love. At the same time, I didn’t want my siblings or extended family to blame me for causing a family riff. I told them I just wanted to be left alone, wishing she would say that she had decided to leave him, but knowing unless I could say the words that wanted to come out so badly, “LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM!” Nothing would change. I could NOT, in fact, make these words come out.

I am an orphan who went from having a huge extended family to having maybe six family members who I can trust and who expressly support me. I refuse to feel ashamed and I refuse to keep the secret although it has made others’ lives uncomfortable to have this information “out there”.

Sexual abuse of a child is an uncomfortable subject. I get that. But sexual abuse of YOUR CHILD is something that YOUR CHILD will deal with on some level for the rest of his or her life. Wishing it away does not work. Making the subject feel taboo (even in subtle ways) is something that can scar YOUR CHILD perhaps as much as the abuse itself. If you can’t find a way to open yourself up to the needs your healing child has, please find someone to help you learn how to do so. Your support or lack of support can make a huge difference in the adult your child becomes.
Alisa Whitmer-Wynn

Pay Attention to My Pain
I was sexually assaulted at age eight by a babysitter’s teenage son and molested repeatedly over several months after that. From the time that I told my mother about the sexual abuse, not only did she not ask me what had happened to me, but completely moved on, and eventually moved our family across the street from the babysitter’s family for her own convenience. I had to be in close proximity to the abuser and his family, who teased and mocked me.

My father knew I wasn’t being treated well at home, and did I nothing to help me. When I looked to him for support because of the sexual abuse, he blew me off, like I was asking him for something trivial.

My father knew I wasn’t being treated well at home, and did I nothing to help me. When I looked to him for support because of the sexual abuse, he blew me off, like I was asking him for something trivial.

Both my parents EXPECT me to keep in contact with them and GIVE the privileges other grandparents have. They mostly seem inclined to blame me for being estranged from them, or behave as if we are on some kind of two-way street. No way, not when it comes to my children. From where I’m sitting at this time in my life, that would not be wise for me or my family, especially since they have still failed to earn my trust, by making no effort to change.

Don’t Blame Me
My dad had the privilege of knowing my vulnerabilities and weaknesses and unfortunately used this sacred knowledge to his benefit when he wanted to hurt me…He accused me of being cold and unwelcoming, of shutting him out throughout my teenage years. His tone was much like a little boy who felt rejected, spitting and spewing and crying on his own offspring.

He didn’t have the capacity or maturity to see that his teenage daughter’s “coldness” was a defense mechanism to try to block out unwanted sexual behavior. “DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT?!” I wanted to scream. “You are an over sexual, drunk freak unleashing all your anger and sexuality on your children. Why do I have to teach YOU what is appropriate? You are the parent. You are supposed to know better!!! You are confusing me and hurting me, dammit. Leave us alone, you damn freak!!’

Finally, finally, I got the courage to start asking my mom questions, looking for that shred of leftover childhood hope that somehow she would rescue me. My wish was that we could travel back in time and she would rescue me from him. She responded with, “I told your father not to drink so much.” And “Well, I wasn’t going to divorce Daddy.” Then in the same conversation, “Absolutely not—that never happened.”

It’s not about “getting over it” or maintaining a relationship with sick people. It’s about me putting all my energies towards healing myself whether THEY understand, support, disavow, condemn or even, still love me after the truth is spoken.

It’s not about “getting over it” or maintaining a relationship with sick people. It’s about me putting all my energies towards healing myself whether THEY understand, support, disavow, condemn or even, still love me after the truth is spoken. When my mind was still open and I was still vulnerable to needing comfort from my mom, she said, “You wanted it.” God. That one hit my soul. She’s my mom after all, she knows me best, maybe I really did “want it’” as a toddler… Thankfully, I have now had much time away from her to know that her statements are utterly impossible.

So, why do I have to teach THEM? Why do I have to open up my heart and mind for MORE poisonous confusion? Sexual abuse is the ultimate betrayal between a parent and a child and it cuts to the core. It’s not about “getting over it” or maintaining a relationship with sick people. It’s about me putting all my energies towards healing myself whether THEY understand, support, disavow, condemn or even, still love me after the truth is spoken.
Phoenix Rising

Sit With Me In My Pain
My experience is a little different but my needs are still the same. I was sexually abused by both parents and it was very hard to begin the healing process. I felt I was crazy and that no one would believe me.

It’s so important to have someone to say, “I believe you. It is not your fault. We will work through this together. They can’t hurt you any more.”

A lot of my memory of the abuse had been pushed back. When it started to surface, my whole world came crashing down. I had to completely leave my family and had no support system. That was when my mother’s best friend said: “I believe you and I’m here”. That was the beginning of my healing journey. She became my parent figure and it made a world of difference to know someone was on my side. It’s so important to have someone to say, “I believe you. It is not your fault. We will work through this together. They can’t hurt you any more.”
Malisia Mckinney

Tell Me I’m Worthy of Protection
All I ever wanted from my mom was love and nurturing but all I got was hate and blame. I told my mom what was happening when I was twelve. She said, “Oh well” and went to bed, never doing anything to help me at all. My Grandma told the cops. They believed me, but my mother told the detective that my grandma and grandpa put words in my mouth, so he didn’t believe me.

All I ever wanted from my mom was love and nurturing but all I got was hate and blame.

When I turned twenty-one, I moved to a YMCA self sufficiency program to get away from the abuse. I longed for that love I never had, so I moved back. Things always got better for a short time and started again. On Easter, my mom made the comment that she would never let anyone abuse her granddaughters, my brother’s kids. But it was okay that the man she is now married to and lives with hurt her own daughter?

I have no contact with father’s family now and see my mom twice a year but only when I’m with someone. It’s been hard because my real mother and father never loved me so how can anyone? Everyday, I feel like a nothing.
Angela Sorenson

Accept Responsibility For Failing To Protect Me
My mother told me at eighteen that her father had abused her. My reply was, “Then why the heck did you send me there on my own for holidays then?” My mother has never accepted any responsibility for my childhood, in fact she says that I abused her emotionally from the age of eleven months.

She knew what her father was like. And then to dismiss my words as she had been hurt more than me…

I was so angry at her. She knew what her father was like. And then to dismiss my words as she had been hurt more than me, because she married my father instead of getting me aborted like her mother wanted. It was your choice to have me, not mine, so it ain’t my fault. I was the child not the adult. I couldn’t speak to her for months without sniping at her because of her disbelief and denial of blame.

She doesn’t like the fact that I do not blame my father as much as I do her. Well sorry, Mother Dearest, but your influence hit hardest and lasted longest. You deny my facts and experiences because they do not reflect what you want it to, and then still try to control me. The time for your dominance is over and I guide my life now and it is a lot less stressful now that you are not in it very often.
Carol Anne Derry

Don’t Tell Me To Get Over It
You would never cast off a cancer survivor and tell them to get over it once it’s “stopped”, however parents not supporting their own children are leaving them to fend for themselves in a life long cancerous battle.

You would never cast off a cancer survivor and tell them to get over it once it’s “stopped”, however parents not supporting their own children are leaving them to fend for themselves in a life long cancerous battle.

It would mean the world for me to have my family support me in this struggle. It would mean Christmases and birthdays, Easters and weddings. It would mean spoilt grandchildren and life lessons and stories passed down.

I have not only lost one set of parents through this abuse. I have lost two families and all of my family history. To have my family’s support would be far more than just physical or emotional comfort and belief. It would be a gaining of the past and an opening and welcoming of the future.
Sandy Tai

Don’t Pretend That Nothing Happened
My father abused me for years. I tried to tell my mom and she got so angry and told me to shut up. Even though my father abused me, I had a better connection with him than with my mom. Even to this day, when I think about it, I get that feeling in my stomach and I hate myself.

If parents really want to help their children, they must not go on as if nothing happened!

If parents really want to help their children, they must not go on as if nothing happened! At sixteen, I ran away, They found me after two days and when I tried to tell my mom again, she only listened for a day a two. After that, everything went back the way it was. I didn’t have friends and was doing bad at school. I squeezed a whole bottle of hand cream into my mouth and swallowed it. After that, I took a few pills at school. Still nothing came of it.

I’m 45 years old. I’m married with three children, and it took me that long to realize MY MOM DOES NOT LOVE ME. I keep that for myself and it hurts. If parents really want to help their children, they must not go on as if nothing happened! Don’t smother the child with love all of a sudden. Just show you care, and be there for them. Just maybe if I had that…

Don’t Ask Me To Have a Relationship With My Abuser
My parents have continued to show support and love to the ones who did the abusing. One was an older neighbor and the other was my deaf sister. Before I was age twenty, they had been informed twice I had been abused. Both instances left them blank faced and not one physical touch of comfort or one word of support or love.

Before I was age twenty, they had been informed twice I had been abused. Both instances left them blank faced and not one physical touch of comfort or one word of support or love.

I can’t say I expected my parents to respond immediately, but twenty plus years later, I did expect some words of acknowledgment. An apology possibly for what they didn’t see or know—any words expressing sorrow at my loss of innocence would have met my needs.

I had never asked for side taking or any act of correction be given to those people. But I remain shocked and dismayed when the end result is the old man finished his life with my parents still caring for him and his wife until passing and that my sister remains in contact with my parents while I have been removed. I have been removed due to the fact I set a boundary with my abuser and since I won’t forgive and forget I am now being punished for it. I guess forgiveness would come quicker if any had ever been sought or asked for.

I lived for forty-four years ignoring the topic and doing my best to not make any waves. After a few instances of being rejected for not loving my abuser unconditionally, I took a stand and wouldn’t allow the topic to remain silent any longer. That act sealed my fate.
Kimberly Schoolcraft

Don’t Treat My Abuser Better Than You Treat Me
My uncle came to live with us when he was ten and I was eight. He was my mom’s half-brother and he made my life a living hell. He had me do things that were forbidden by my parents, then I’d have to submit to whatever he wanted so he wouldn’t tell. Sometimes he’d still tell and I’d still get in trouble. In August of 1984, he took that a step further. That’s when he started to initiate sex with me. Initially, I didn’t think anything of it, so I submitted to it. Then it was used as a form of manipulation.

In March of 1985, my uncle wanted to go back home to his mom (my grandmother). Not long after that, I told a classmate what my uncle did. I thought it was all fun and games. That spread throughout the school and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in the principal’s office telling them everything that my uncle did and that’s how my parents found out about it.

I lied and said that it only happened once because I was afraid that I’d get in trouble. My uncle was so good at manipulating me, to the point that my parents considered me a natural-born liar.

The next year, my uncle was failing at school again and my mother wanted to bring him back into the house. My sister and I protested but we lost. My mother told me that what he did wouldn’t happen again and I still had to love him. I was so angry.

The sexual abuse did stop, but he still physically and verbally abused me. I would tell my parents about the abuse, but he would say something else and I’d get in trouble for lying.

Until she can understand what she allowed me to suffer and more importantly, admit that she screwed up, we need to be apart. I’ve made it this far without her support, so she can stay out of my life. 

When it comes to my father, he questions my sexuality. According to him, I need to be out there with the women getting my groove on. It hurts that my parents don’t believe me when I say that I’m not gay.

When I was twenty-two, I finally told my mom the truth of what my uncle did. She seemed so nonchalant about it. In fact, she said, all I can say is I’m sorry. Truthfully, I feel better not speaking to her. I love her, but need to keep my distance because it does not bring peace to my spirit. Until she can understand what she allowed me to suffer and more importantly, admit that she screwed up, we need to be apart. I’ve made it this far without her support, so she can stay out of my life.
Tremayne Moore

Tell Me I Didn’t Deserve It
I told my mum directly after my abuse happened. I was crying, so she asked me and I told her. She told me never to tell my father because he was mentally ill. After that, great silence—never speaking to me.

I was the one who was treated like I was bad. I wasn’t the abuser, I was the victim.

I was the one who was treated like I was bad. I wasn’t the abuser, I was the victim. One time she faced me with my private notebook where I wrote the story of what happened to me. She grasped me by my hair, dragged me and demanded to know who the boy was. I was screaming and crying, trying to get away from her.

How dare you do that! You didn’t listen to me!! I told you when I was young!!! I was the one who was treated like I was bad.

It makes me so angry to be treated so unjustly. I wasn’t the abuser, I was the victim. I’m so alone. My mum does not respect my feelings and my dad does not even care. I have no worth and nobody can care or love me. When I’m suffering or in pain, I have to go through it alone. At the same time, they expect that they have the right to be in my life in the time they choose. Not me, I have no rights.
Martha Mouner


It might seem easier to pretend that nothing ever happened, and you might think that pretending it never happened is protecting your child from more pain, but that communicates that either you don’t believe that it happened or that you don’t care.

Questions like “Are you sure?” communicate that you don’t believe him. If you struggle with accepting this, don’t share your difficulty with your child. It’s not his or her job to help you through your denial.

Believing your child means action. It means reporting the abuse and leaving the abuser. It means your child needs nurturing attention—not just for a day or two, but for a lifetime. Sexual abuse is LIFE ALTERING. There is no going back to the way things were. With care and support there IS healing, but there is no going back.

The child needs to be told that he or she isn’t bad, the things that happened to them are. Children who are sexually abused feel dirty and shameful and “bad”. Abusers also manipulate the victim to take the blame. There is nothing a child could do to deserve for something like this to happen to him or her. No matter what a child does before or after the abuse, the child didn’t do anything to “bring it on himself.”

When something so traumatic happens, the child absorbs the trauma into his or her body and soul. The pain is stored there until the emotions are expressed. The child needs someone to “witness” the badness of what happened to them. Often, when their pain is not heard or is invalidated, they act out with undesirable behavior, which is their only means of expression. That sometimes leads to the parent labeling the child as “bad”, which causes more harm.

Your child is not bad. Your child needs to be understood and loved.

Some victims don’t feel comfortable talking about the abuse, but need to know that their parents will listen with compassion and understanding if the time comes that she does want to talk about it. Other survivors of abuse want to talk about it over and over. Both reactions are normal.

Don’t expect your child to be strong and “just forget about it”. Your child actually lived through the trauma. As difficult as it is to hear about the experience and pain, your child has the hard part and she is a child, you are an adult. YOU be the strong one and listen.

Abuse tells the child that it’s his or her job to make someone else feel better. It’s important that your words and actions don’t reinforce that lie. No matter what is going on in your life, no matter if this is difficult to hear, your child needs to know that he doesn’t have to hide or minimize his needs because “it would be too much for you.” It’s not your child’s job to take care of your needs; it’s your job to care for your child’s needs.


Children need to be kept away from their abusers—no matter who the abuser is. Part of the grooming process of abuse causes the victim to feel protective of the abuser and his or her feelings. Even if a child “misses” the abuser, it’s not safe or healthy to spend time with the abuser.

Survivors of abuse shouldn’t be manipulated or coerced into maintaining a relationship with the abuser or be pressured to forgive. They need to process their own feelings and need an environment where it’s safe to express any feelings about the abuser that he or she wants to.

Denying responsibility only contributes to your child’s pain. You may have been fooled,, you may not have known, you may have felt that the situation was out of your control, but it’s a parent’s job to be their child’s protection. Failing to protect is abandonment, whether you meant to or not and abandonment is often the most painful form of abuse. Whether your child acknowledges your role in their abuse or not, you owe your child an apology without any excuses attached to it.

As harmful as sexual abuse is, as long-lasting and as damaging its effects, having a parent’s understanding and love makes the healing process so much easier. A parent has the ability to prolong the pain or to substantially ease it.

In the comments below, please share your experiences and feelings about your parents’ response to your abuse. If you have anything else you’d like to add to the list of survivors’ needs, please share that too.

Related Posts:
Straight Talk To Parents About Protecting Their Child From Sexual Abuse
Confessions of a Child Molester’s Wife
Peace and Protection From Abuse
Forgetting About Abuse: Who Does That Really Serve?
What If My Family Rejects Me? Part 3

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  1. wow, thank you to all who contributed to this…i just cried thru the entire article. It’s good to hear that i’m not alone in this….my mom wouldn’t talk to me after i told her what happened. It’s crazy how it makes you question yourself… because she is the parent, she should know what the right thing is to do.

  2. Nicole,
    I’m sorry you were treated that way too. I’m glad you know you’re not alone.

  3. Hi Its Clare Manley
    When I told my Parents what had Happened they were very Shocked but very understanderble. My Mum just wanted to Cuddle me but I didnt want to be touched I just wanted to be left alone. All I wanted to do was Kill the Bastard who did this to me but I know its not the right thing to do. I just wished he would get banged up behind bars. I would feel a bit reliefed then I know it would be at the back of my mind but at least I could put it to sleep for the last time.

    From Clare

  4. Clare,
    I’m glad your parents were so understanding. I understand wanting to be left alone and not touched. My daughter and I were just talking about that same feeling when we watched a movie where a woman was attacked. After she escaped, she didn’t want to talk about it or be held. Bethany and I could identify with that–not just the physical part, but talking about it gave the impression that something so awful could be understood by the person you’re talking to. It seemed useless to try to convey the experience and feelings in words. I think that’s why it’s so comforting to talk about it with someone who has experienced something similar.

  5. My mother not only knew what was happening to me, but she did nothing to stop it. She feared that her “reputation” would be tarnished if people found out that her sons were violently raping her daughters. She cared about nothing other than herself. To this day she blames me for the abuse. She even had someone call me stating that they were a State policeman and that I would be arrested if I were to press charges because I was older. And every time I tried to get authorities to help me she would take me to the hospital and claim that I wanted to kill myself so I would be committed for 30 days in order to teach me a lesson about speaking out “against her”. I remember those days as being the ONLY days I ever felt safe, because I didn’t have to worry about my door being opened in the middle of the night and violently raped until I bled.

    I no longer have any contact with her as she has become an even more evil person now. She turned the story around and used it against me to illegally take my oldest child after she it was found out that she forged my name to a document stating I gave her brother custody of my son. She claimed that I was mentally unstable because of the abuse and unable to take care of my 15 year old son, despite the fact that I had a 13 yo son and 5 yo daughter at home too. She has not allowed me any of the court ordered time with my son despite the fact that she doesn’t have custody. She continues to manipulate him into believe that his abusive behavior towards his parents and siblings is acceptable. She has done everything possible to make sure that the cycle of abuse continues with her grandchildren. She cares nothing for the daughters and stepdaughters of my rapists, her granddaughters.

  6. Candie, that’s so horrible!

  7. It breaks my heart to read the pain and anguish in the stories of these, who have opened up their lives to us. I am so sorry for what you each had to endure! Your pain, your emotions, need to be validated and heard. They have a right to be acknowledged.

    This article is so needed! Not only does it let us know we do not suffer alone, it has given concise, clear cut statements that every victim of abuse needs in order to heal.

    Thank you, Overcoming Sexual Abuse, for sharing this today.

    I am sharing on my blog.

  8. Topic of “Hear Me” at the top of this page, the part that was written by anonymous was so profound…it describes my mother & my situation to a T. Well said!

  9. Whispers,
    It broke my heart reading these stories too. So much anguish comes through, which is only a small portion of the pain of living through it. I’m so glad we don’t have to stay stuck in that agony.

    Thanks for sharing this post!

  10. Fantastic blog. Thank you all for sharing. I know it had to be so painful, but telling our stories is the only way people will listen and believe how important it is to support us survivors. Well done Christina. Thank you for your love and sharing your time for all of us. ((hug)) Patty

  11. To Nicole; I am sorry to hear you got hurt. I am sorry your mom didn’t even know what to say when you spoke to her about the abuse that happened to you.

    I am not defending her, but I am defending myself and my mistakes and actions in choises.

    My daughter was attacked and sexually abused and I did not really know what to say either but I did my very best. I needed then and there to tell her that I could not help her because I was recovering from my sexual abuse when I was sold as a sexslave when I was a child.

    I hope my daughter understand that I do believe her and that I don’t know what to say because of my own pain that has happened to me.

  12. Dear Candie,

    I am so sorry to hear and I can relate very well with this as this sound very similar to a lot of things that happened or are still going on in my life.

    My grandmother who later adopted me also set up my own children that she stole from me, up to riot against me and be disrespectfull to me and their sibblings.

    We are many years later now and I learned after years of research she did this because she herself was abused all her life from her childhood on until very far in her adulthood. She grew up and lived all her adult life until now in a world where the silence was not broken and it was forbidden to speak about this.

    My grandmother too has put me in a mental institute time after time to silence me, because this is what she has been “trained” to do by her abusers.

    I am thinking of you and I urge you to take this straight to the supreme court with no other courtrooms in between because this will only take time that she will use to make your child misbehave untill she can have you condemned.

    Their is a part on the FBI website that is about child interrogation and I think it can help you to look at this and contact some people that do these very special interrogating techniques.

  13. Dear Candie,

    I want to elaborate on this a little bit more.

    My grandmother also forged my signature several times and she stole my children to gain money from me and she has done manny other spittefull things. I stand alone in this and I hope you do not have to stand alone in this.

    My grandmother was adopted, survived childabuse, had difficult struggles in her twenties and got raped in her twenties. When she was young there was not therapy for people that survived rape and assault and abuse. Later she survived both the japanese torture and medical experiment camps as the german holocaust camps. Then she moved back to america and became a drunk with fame and people she knew.

    She moved to europe in the late sixties I believe. She moved to Europe after president Kennedy was shot.

    This is where I ended up living with her and she carried on her mental abuse on to me.

    My grandmother is mentally “better” now but she is still very often very abusive to me and other people denying what she does or did. I took me many years to understand that she is not senile but she is acting out her despair and denial like a victim of severe childabuse does.

    My grandmother is also starting to realize now that she acts out her abuse and it is improving her behaviour to me and other people by realizing and remembering what happened to her but this is very difficult for her because she survived a lot of horrible things.

    For about a year and a half she was medically experimented upon in a japanese camp in manchuria in china. I have seen pictures and I recognized her in those pictures.

  14. Thank you for this article. I find that I have to keep talking about it even after writing a book. I think it’s because I have not felt like I was heard. We need that.

  15. Thank you for this. I recently confronted my family regarding sexual abuse, physical abuse, and verbal abuse. The result is I have been kicked out of my family. I was called a liar and a trouble-maker. My mother told the sexual abuser it wasn’t necessary to confirm or deny what I said. He was given unconditional love and understanding. I have lost my family but I have gained an amazing life. I do not regret confronting. It made me stop wasting my time with people who didn’t care about me. Since I have a new “family” made up of supportive friends and relatives. To my family the fear of their good reputation being ruined prompted them to tell everyone I was mentally sick and I shouldn’t be believed. My family’s betrayal hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally but I am getting stronger. It is painful to realize how little you mean to people you have devoted your life to supporting and loving. Their loss.

  16. Frannie,
    That’s exactly how I feel about the “loss” of my family. I did grieve, but I was grieving what I never had. Being rejected was actually liberating. Thanks for sharing that.

  17. Hi,

    I just wanted to say thanks for this article, which helps us survivors to write and express ourselves. My family didn’t support me emotionally and treats me as if nothing has happened. They didn’t search for any information in our native language. My sister told me not to think about it and to think on positive things. They never took the time to do something to help and support me. My other sister refused to read a book I was giving to her about this subject. I was left totally alone in this. I have no friends in real life and it is so difficult to talk about this. Besides, here where I live there is no help at all, no support groups, the mental health care providers damage more than doing any good, no libraries with books about the subject, etc. One psychologist here told me that I am a kind of person who would not been able to graduate and that I should be at home without doing anything. Another one told me that I will be not able to study a master’s degree. I feel so lonely and if my parents or the person with whom I communicate make it easy to speak about this, they didn’t judge me and believe me and say things that support me, it would be so helpful, but this person doesn’t care at all. I feel so lonely and isolated trying to overcome this. I feel so sad my family didn’t help me or support me with this. This was when I most needed them and they weren’t there for me. I don’t like my family anymore.

  18. Appreciated this insight. Blessings.

  19. Casey….you are not alone.

  20. Casey,
    I’m sorry you feel alone in your struggles. Gentle hugs to you!

  21. Thank you for this article, there is so much I can relate to here. When I told my mother, it was all about HER, and after making a big scene and getting a lot of emotional support for herself, she pretty soon got over it and settled into a happy denial. I didn’t tell her that it was my older brother, my internal protection mechanism was still keeping me from admitting that, but she knew about the extreme physical and emotional abuse that he waged against me and didn’t care, and still preferred him to me and insisted that I was the problem for not liking him. I knew deep down this obviously wasn’t going to be a supportive situation, and I focused on leaving. I’m so glad I’m not a part of their poisonous, barbaric ‘family’ anymore.

  22. Caden,
    That intuitively knowing that I wouldn’t be supported and that I would be the outcast is what kept me from telling for so many years. I used to look back on my childhood and blame myself for not going to my mother about what my dad was doing to me. Now, I recognize that her response back then wouldn’t have been any different than it is now. She tells everyone all the bad things I’ve done (and makes up a lot of it) as though that somehow justifies what my dad did to me and she claims I’m living in a fantasy world and that there is no way those things happened to me.

    Leaving that sick system was my door to freedom. I’m glad you’re out of that too.

  23. I was very close to my adopted dad. (My mom and my birth dad divorced when my little brother was around the age 2, and I was 4. Then married another and had my littlest brother, and he adopted my brother and I) He was the best dad I could ask for. He understood and listened. After I was in third grade, my mom told us that they needed time apart. So the four of us moved an hour and a half away from our home, our friends, and some of our family. She had off and on boyfriends and while we were there, we would go back to our dad’s house every other weekend for the next year. Until, we decided to move back home, but during that I was in fourth grade, and I was not the least bit popular as the new kid. I would go to him for all my problems. I didn’t view my mom as someone who cared about those little things because she seemed too preoccupied in her work and her boyfriend. So, I never bothered to have a relationship beyond the title mother and daughter. I would tell him everything, no matter if it was wrong or right of me, I trusted him and he helped me through every situation. He was my only friend. Of course I had a few back in my home town, but they were angry for me leaving and wouldn’t care because, well.. we were kids and that’s how we acted. After we moved back, the living arrangements went to every other week. One week at moms, one at dads. I don’t remember much about the times when I was with my mom back then, but mostly when I was with dad. I would visit my dad during my moms week and wish I would live with my dad instead. (My mom was not a bad person, she just never saw me hurting, so she never thought anything was wrong) I grew very close to him. He would treat me as an adult at the age of 8. I was the only girl in the house and I did the cooking and cleaning and caring for my brothers when my dad left for work. I didn’t have a problem with this because at my moms house, I was the child and it was very clear to me that I wasn’t an adult. I felt confident and proud of myself. I had a problem staying in my own bed, even when my parents were together. So, late at night I would find an excuse to sleep with my dad. We would stay up into the wee hours of the morning, talking about random things or making up stories. Anything as long as I could be with him. Some nights he would cuddle with me (yeah I know it’s gross, but i felt comfortable and safe and I didn’t know it was wrong to do at this age) Some nights. I remember things going a little too far. I would wake up and even if I never had a ‘intimate’ relationship at that age. I KNEW it was wrong and it was what mommy and daddy did. Not daddy and his daughter, but I stayed quiet because after all, he was my dad. I loved him and I thought it would hurt him if i said to stop. So I didn’t. And I didn’t talk for the next 6 years. Even as it got worse and worse..(My dad would treat me different than he did my brothers, he would ask for them to stay the night with his dad so that we could go do something or have the house to ourselves to watch movies) I remember a few times that he would try to talk about it, and I would just tell him to stop, that I didn’t know what he was talking about.. (How could he? I pretended to be asleep…) I also remember him writing me letters and how they told me how he felt about me. My own father was in love with me.. You think, why didn’t I say something then? How discusting? Right? Well, I had a bf at this time and it was my third boyfriend, but he was better than the other two.. at this time. My dad never liked any of the guys I would talk to.. (Ever since my friend and I got caught looking up porn at a young age, my parents put a protective thing on my computer to where it would record every website and every conversation.. My dad monitored it.) He was also working in a phone/computer company, so he had my phone record and messages. He would read through them. Make sure I was being a good girl.. He wouldn’t let me see my bf very often, and would act like a jealous boyfriend when I wouldn’t text him if and when I was able to. Some nights he would get angry at me for texting him when I was at a friends house, and not him, and when I got home, he would take my phone away. The abuse wasn’t every night, but it was at least once a week. Why did I just stay in my own bed? Why didn’t I tell someone? Well, I’d like to know the answers to the myself.. I would also sleep in my own bed, and have him come into my room and stay with me, and it would happen there too. With no clue that I was awake during every second, every minute, and every hour that it went on.. We took a vacation to Colorado, and stayed in a two bed, queen hotel. Obviously my two younger brothers shared a bed, and my dad and I another. I woke up halfway into the night with him rolled over and his hand on a place it shouldn’t be. Wasn’t the first time, but this time it was almost visable by my brothers and he was just laying there, he was asleep. So I got up and sat in the bathroom for a little while, thinking about what happened. I went back to bed and he was awake, asked if i was okay. I told him he just rolled over and put his hand in a bad spot, that he was asleep and that it was nothing to worry about.. he tried to talk to me about it, but i refused. When I went over to my moms house.. I remember him wanting to talk to my mom and I about something.. I knew exactly what it was about. He told my mom that something had happened and that he wasn’t sure what had happened. I had believed that he was merely asleep this time… She was upset and confused, but did nothing about it. She had asked me about what I remembered, but I told her what I told myself.. he was asleep and he didn’t mean to. So it was just blown off and not a problem, anymore. We continued to go to his house and the abuse continued. (This wasn’t a.. father daughter relationship.. then BAM abuse.. it was a slow process and it took years.. One night it would be “oops” i must’ve just rolled over, some nights would be.. more… it got worse and worse over time) Some nights I think he knew I was awake, because he would use what he did as an excuse for his pain. Such as.. “I’m really upset about such and such, can you come lay with me?” He would guilt me into it.. I had one best friend from when I was in kindergarten, and it was very hard to get us to stop being friends. She was always there. One week, she invited me to go stay with her and her dad in CO. (Her parents had split up when she and her sister were young too, but he lived in CO and her mum lived close to us) It was alot of fun and I loved it up there.. One night I told her about what was going on. She was very conserned and asked if anyone else knew.. I said she was the only one. Not even my bf knew.. Now, my bf and I had been dating off and on.. I mean I was only 12 and he was 14. She was there for me, but she promised to not tell anyone. The summer after my 8th grade year, I was still only 12. My grandpa on my dad’s side had been having heart problems and was in the hospital there in town. My brother was at his friends house and my youngest brother was staying the night with my grandpa. We had been driving around the lake, which was about half an hour from home. We got the call and raced home.. He had always said that he could ‘feel’ when someone was upset. That’s how he got me to talk about my problems. He said he could ‘feel’ grandpas heart and that he would be okay.. So we went home.. He then again asked if he could sleep with me because he was very scared for his dad.. So I said yes.. This night was the worst of them all. He talked to me.. He told me how he wished both of us were awake when he did this. after he was done.. I grabbed my phone and texted my pastor. Told him what was going on but in vague details. He said he would talk to the head pastor and that this would be submitted. I agreed. (I stopped believing in god and I still to this day refuse to believe in one) A week before I turned 13. My mother and her bf and I had an interview. I didn’t know where we were going, but my mom was contacted the following week about this. I hadn’t noticed a change in her.. I was interviewed and forced to talk about what happened. I said very vaguely, that he was innapropriate, but I wouldn’t talk about it any further than that. They also interviewed my dad, and he denied it all. I was confused.. I mean i didn’t expect him to come out with details and say HEEEY! Look what I did! But he told my mom of one incedent.. why wouldn’t he tell them? The people were also more interested in my boyfriend who was 16, and I was 12. (He was two years and 11 months older than me) We were to have another interview the day of my 13th birthday, but my mother asked if we could have it the day after, seeing as how that would’ve been terrible… So we did. I went into a weeee bit more details, not trusting these people.. He still denied anything. I was told that I couldn’t go to his house or speak to him until this was over with. I was very confused and felt alone.. My 13th birthday, was a complete disaster.. I spent it crying with my mother.. She hated herself for not taking the previous incedent as a warning… I told her she couldn’t of known.. We were waiting for the last interview we had that next month.. During this time.. My bf and I gave eachother our virginities.. We kept this a secret. Our last interview.. I was told to go into more detail about every time I could think of.. So I did.. They sent it in and also my fathers.. Which was him accusing me of lying and that it was my fault.. I did it to him. I used his hand… “Like a puppet” he said… I was devestated… He was not able to be prosecuted because there was not evidence. It was just my word against his.. Somehow he still had the name on his records as a “Child Predator”..After growing so close to this person, after letting this person into my life and my head.. for trusting this person, and this person alone… I didn’t know what to do.. So I did I thought was best.. I rebelled. I started sneaking out for the remainder of the summer, into my freshman year.. I would go see my boyfriend and we would be intimate almost every time.. Sometimes every night for a week.. To me, he was the only person I needed. I pushed my friends away.. my family. I would get caught and go out that next night.. I didn’t care anymore.. I had nothing. I was no one.. I hated myself. The way I looked especially. My bf fixed that problem, temporarily.. (My brothers still got to see my dad throught this all) I started cutting. Alot.. I would hide it from my bf the best i could.. he was very angry when he found out.. but sometimes he would try to help.. He started to change after this.. During my freshman year, I cared very little about school and more about him.. He was different.. His father was abusive.. and so was he.. This time, it was more physical abuse.. Whenever I would cut and he would find out, he would hit me. Whenever I talked to a guyfriend, we would argue and we would fight.. I would lose. Most the time it wouldn’t leave more than a bruise. I loved him and never saw myself with anyone but him.. (Yes, I know what you’re thinking.. I’m stupid) We fought about every little thing… We would date off and on.. Off and on… I was scheduled to see a counselor every other week right after my 13th birthday, I hated it at first.. The thought of opening up to some random person I knew NOTHING about.. but later I liked it because they made me feel strong.. We talked about everything from my dad.. to my boyfriend. (Not the physical abuse part) and my friends.. During my sohpmore year, my boyfriend was a senior and the abuse grew and my cutting as well. My mother would notice pencil sharpeners losing their razors, and all of our kleenex’s would be gone.. But never really said anything about it. I had failed my drivers ed class when I was a freshman, due to my lack of caring of school.. So when they changed the law to where you have to be 16 with a drivers ed class, I was not included. I had to wait until I turned 17. Just another thing I had to beat myself up about. I was pretty harsh on myself. I kept getting in trouble my sophmore year, moreso than freshman. Always just sneaking out. By this time. I had slept with only 3 people. Not too shabby when you take into accont that this was where highschool kids in a tiny town have reputations for large groups of people… I told my mom that I had slept with these people.. She wasn’t upset or angry, she was just dissapointed because she didn’t wait either, and she wanted it to be different for me. My mom and I had grown closer, but I still had a really hard time talking to her about anything. It wasn’t easy for me. At all.. My bf had dropped out right before he graduated, and we stopped talking.. My sophomore summer, I met a new guy. He was a bit older than I, I was 14 and he was 17. He was a friend to me and my other friends. And wasn’t just wanting in my pants. (Hard to believe, eh?) Well, we had a plan.. I would ‘stay the night’ with my friend. and he and I would stay up and watch movies together. Perfect right? Well, as he was with his friend trying to fix his xbox, I was sleeping in his bed and I posted on a website that I wish he would just come lay with me… Forgetting about how my dad still watched over what I did on my phone… and that night when he finally did come to bed, we had sex.. that morning I went home and it was as if nothing more had happened.. Later that next week. My mother found out from my dad that i was with him that night.. In this week, he had turned 18..(I know I am to blame, but it’s still fucked up that he was still watching over me) My mom and her bf filed for some sort of prosecution.. He had a few fines and community service.. and that name on his record.. “Child Predator” and almost tried for Statutory rape, since I was a minor to him, now…It was not rape.. I was so angry. Not so much for getting caught, but that he was called a rapist.. And my father was not… MY FATHER did this to me, unwillingly and got nothing.. But when I try to have a relationship somewhat normally, he gets put in court and prosecuted.. I was torn.. I started my Junior year and this year was going to be different. My mother was fighting for my brothers and I.. and I was going to be better with school.. For the first half off school, I was doing alright.. School was tough, but I was trying.. By this time.. I had slept with 8 people.. (I had a breaking point during the summer and slept with a lot of the wrong people.. But during my junior year.. I had met another guy. He was 22 and I was 15. (Wowsers.. ) But he was muture for his age. We had been talking for a while and then one night, he kissed me. Now, this guy was popular in highschool and he was completey gorgeous. A musician, and very strong. Physically and mentally. A few months later. We started to get in trouble, I snuck out and saw him and got caught.. I was not abot to have him become a third child predator, when we were waiting to do that together.. I tried to get my act together, it was just hard for me to not see him when I needed to cut.. (he didn’t know i did this yet) he took my mind off it and that’s all i wanted. I got sent 5 hours away from home, for sneaking out one last time… After years of doing it, I figured she was just saying she would.. but she finally did it.. Sent me away. It wasn’t a bad place. Although I had been told by my police officer that it would be like jail.. It was very nice. It was more for abused kids than bad kids.. I was there for 72 hours. It was kind of like a vacation, but I had no communication with my mom. During this time, I had made ‘friends’ with my roommate and a few other girls. I snuck my phone in, but it had very very low battery. I wouldn’t of done this if I wasn’t scared shitless. I didn’t know it would be this friendly.. A girl there found out I had it and asked me to use it for a night because she had a charger and needed to talk to her mom. I was not about to tell this big black girl (no offense) that a tiny little white girl won’t let her use it. So I gave it to her, that next day, she wouldn’t give it back, so I told the lady there that she had it and they brought in police and searched her room. They found it and a bunch of the girls had been texting their ‘homies’ about running away with them. They were miserable in there. Some of them were there until they turned 18 because there family didn’t want them. Most of them deserved to be in there.. I got in deep shit there.. but it didn’t matter to them what I said, which was reasonable, they’ve been dealing with liars and bad people for years.. So I understood why they didn’t care.. Later on, my mom, grandma, and aunt came to pick me up. I was so excited to see her and tell her how much i love her and missed her. She looked at me as I was about to hug her with an orange in my hand.. She said “So, were you planning on taking that orange with you when you ran away?” … I dropped my arms and walked out.. Wow. She didn’t miss me at all. she didn’t even care to hear the whole story as to where I WAS NOT running away. I was in a place where murders and rapes happen all the time and I had hope for my future.. I WANTED to go home.. but she didn’t care. I got in the car and cried until we got to a gas station.. I went in and got something to drink and she came up to me and apologized, I said that she didn’t even care that i was home and that i should’ve just stayed there.. She did miss me, but she thought i was wanting to leave too and it made her mad.. I was still upset, but we hugged and I cried. We went home and I had to go to school in the morning, Great huh? .. Anywho.. Went to school and blah blah.. Didn’t mean to make this story so long, didn’t know I had this much shit to say.. Ahh well.. Lets just zoom up to now.. I am currently 17, I also just passed my drivers writen test, will get 50 hours and my drivers test.. I am still with my last boyfriend that I mentioned and been dating for about a year. I still cut, but very very rarely. He knows and loves my flaws.. I havn’t snuck out since I came home and I have been good with curfews and rules.. My mother and I are very close. I’ve managed to earn back more than I had before I started getting in trouble.. (More trust with later curfews.. phone and new laptop.. New car!) My brothers get to see my dad every other weekend and on some holidays and whatnot.. I still go to counseling but only once every 6 weeks. I get to see my bf anytime that we both are not working (about 2-3 times a week) .. We go to movies and even hang with my family. Today was a bad day. I texted my friend (the one that I told you about.. The one who’s dad’s in CO) … And asked her if she believed me or my dad.. (She has been close to my dad, as well as my other two friends.. He will take them places and do things for them. Even go to CO with them..) She said she doesn’t want to judge.. It just struck me. She doesn’t believe me. My other two friends could care less. I have about 4, okay friends who believe me.. and my bf of course believes me too.. I am desperate for a dad.. But guess what? My birth dad is coming to see me in a month and I hope that he can make things right.. LONG STORY SHORT.. I have been through hell and back.. I have been trying (still) to accept myself.. STAY STRONG!…

  24. omg…i just had to move back home with my abuserand my mom. She actually said your not over that yet after ivoiced my concerns. my parents are so messed up, sweeping things under the rug do not help. i wish they would own up so that i can heal.

  25. Brittany,
    I’m sorry you’re in that situation. I understand your desire for your parents/abusers to own up to what they did, but that isn’t necessary for healing. Not very many abusers take responsibility for the things they did, but even when they do, that doesn’t heal us. They caused the pain, but they can’t take it away. Thankfully, we don’t need them to heal. I hope you find the healing you deserve.

  26. This article gave me a lot of strength and made me have a whole different outlook on my abuse. Because, I could relate to every single one of these posts. I’m glad that I am not alone and I don’t have to feel like it’s my fault and also the fact that how my mother is treating me happens to a lot of other people as well. It also makes me feel proud that I did speak about it to at least 5 people and got it “out there” and not be ashamed of who I am and what I’ve been through.

  27. WOL,
    I’m sorry you experienced the same type of discounting treatment too. I’m glad you feel proud of yourself–you deserve to. Welcome to OSA!

  28. Thank you for welcoming me to OSA, I’m so glad I’ve found OSA! Because, before I found this website I was very lost and confused on what to do and very hurt. But going to church and checking OSA about every other hour, is making me feel very warm inside and better. OSA may be the gateway to beginning my healing process.

  29. My brothers and sisters have all rejected me and even convinced many that I am mentally ill. This pain is worse than any I encountered from the abuse. I have spent massive amounts of time and energy on ‘getting them back’ and still to this day even after years I still feel the pain of their rejection. As much as I have accepted that I will never see them again and they will never love me its still a daily challenge to erase them from my thoughts. I have heard a number of times that they wish I would just die I am presuming they think the abuse will die with me and they will be released. I don’t know any thoughts on this would be gladly received. I always imagined that when the story ‘came out’ I would be supported and protected this never took place. I was so close to my siblings when I was young and I just cannot get over their reaction. My sister even tried to have be arrested for contacting her never in a million years could I have seen that coming it almost felt like being stabbed.

  30. Hello Survivors, I call you this as I am one as well, I was 3, 11 all the way up until I was 18 molested and then raped twice at 18 and a half. I was in denial and acting in my coping place of 3 before males first an old man then a teenager he was 4 years older than me then 2 adults in their 30s and 40s and I was 12 then a soldier from a ship and so forth led me to my living hell they kept touching me. I have now started self help with a great book called “free your mind and change your life by patrick mcnally” I read this wice read it once you may take it negatively like I did. read it twice you might laugh and take it positively like I did I hope. then i have been throuhg 2 relationships one for 5 years didnt work, one for 14 years domestic violence his issues, 2 kids and 1 miscarriage him laughing and spitting in my face after I told him I miscarriaged his son. Life is like that. You cant control anyone but yourself I have learnt. My mum well she is going through stuff herself so I dont blame her for not knowing and my dad and mum worked all the time. there are 5 siblings in my family including me. 4 where molested. go figure. so you see learn to love yourself,. I live for my kids I have started to learn self defense, I am going to school and I am almost 40 . It is never too late to learn to forgive myself for believing everything I was told to be true. I didnt know people where liers and manipulators but I do now. I keep to myself I go to the gym I get images in my memory quite often and I am pent up with anger, I am using that anger to be productive by learning to succeed, I have had many many friends who have been molested and raped who couldnt stay to see what the next day had install for them to see our life adventure through so I live for them . I will always think of them all daily and one day I will get thier faces tattooed to my body so they know I remember them all. I am who I make myself to be. I am strong I tell the truth and no one will manipulate me to make me fearful ever again.

  31. Bethany,
    Thank you so much for your story. You are brave and creative and strong. The way I was abused was very similar, not violent but slow, intimate and insidious. My mother is mad at me. My sisters blame me as if I made it up. Kill the messenger. Victimize the victim.

    I still go back and forth every day about whether I am making the right decision to not be in contact with them. I miss my family so much that when I go through periods of not talking to them my soul feels dead.I have learned to take what I can and leave the rest. I make small talk, send text messages about silly things. I can’t stay at my parents’ house because he’s there and the thought of it makes me want to kill myself to avoid being near him.

    I’m exhausted. I’ve had sleep disorders my whole life because sleep does not feel safe to me.
    How do you sleep? How do you ever feel safe getting into bed, in the dark, with the door closed? I don’t know what to do anymore.

    Peace and blessings to you all.

  32. Hey Bethany, the issue of being scared you are not alone please see that I hear this happens to 1 person out of 3 people some just know how to hide it more than others. We as victims are silenced by the vitimisers so they dont get caught out. There are places out there that will help you just have to tell people. Never give up as they then win……… you be the winner of your own journey. it starts now………………………… go on…………..live your life.

  33. Gabby,
    I appreciate you reaching out to other survivors here–it’s really great to see so much love and validation between everyone here. I just ask that you please not give advice or tell others what will work for them. Part of abuse is having our choices taken away and it’s so important to the healing process to be empowered to decide for ourselves. In my own healing process, it did much more harm than good to be told by others what I should be doing to be able to move forward and much of the well meaning advice was actually counterproductive to my healing. If you want to offer what worked for you, that’s completely fine, but please leave it up to others to decide what will be best for them.

    I removed your comments that I felt would be invalidating in that way, but I hope you continue to participate in the discussion here. Thanks, Gabby!

  34. Bethany,
    I’m so sorry I didn’t respond to your comment before now. I just read it and what your father did was so horrible. The way he treated you like an adult, even a wife, was emotional incest and that can be every bit as damaging as overt incest. All the ways you described him acting reminds me so much of how my ex-husband used to cover his tracks and test to see how far he could go without getting caught.

    After all you’ve been through with your family, I’m so sorry your friend betrayed you too. I’ve been there and I know how much that hurts. I hope you know you deserve to be treated better.

    Gentle hugs,

  35. Becky,
    I’m sorry for how your brothers and sisters turned against you. That happened to me with my brother and that was very painful. He not only sided with my parents against me, but sided with my ex-husband, who sexually abused my daughter. It was painful to lose my entire family and it’s taken me a few years to heal. I have a new family now who believe me and support me and love me. I hope you’re surrounded by people who love you, too.

  36. It is so sad to hear how families were so unsuportive of all of you. I too was so surprised by my mother saying ‘oh the past is the past’ and so on. They are both dead and before their deaths I had chosen not to see them for several years. People said to me that I would feel guilty when they died. I didn’t. I was glad my children were safe. My heart goes out to all of you. It was never your fault. I got better only after I broke my relationship with them. I don’t regret not seeing them for a minute.
    I hoe you will heal and find solace.

  37. I only very recently came across this and I can totally relate to it. My mother has done nothing but cause me pain ever since I told them about the abuse. My mother still keeps in contact with the perpetrator by sending him emails. I read one and she ended it with “love from”. Reading that just really destroyed any love I had for her. They always made me feel like I was in the wrong, i’m the “bad boy” who doesn’t want to get along in the family. Not once did they hear me out or even tell me that it’s going to be OK. They even pulled me out of counselling after going for only for 4 sessions and left me begging to put me back, and then they have the audacity to tell me that I was privileged to have 4 sessions so I should be “over it”. They’ve just said a lot of unforgiving things like telling me stories about girls who went through the same thing and never told their parents because they cared about their parent’s happiness. I’m just glad that I’m not the only one who have parents like these

  38. Irene,
    Thanks for sharing your experience and feelings about your parents. I’ve heard that same thing from so many survivors, “People said to me that I would feel guilty when they died.” Who are those people telling us how we’ll feel? How would they know? Who are they to define our experience? That’s such a boundary violation.

    I’m glad you didn’t feel guilty! The guilt belongs to your parents. Thanks for your comment.

  39. James,
    Wow! That’s so horrible to be told others kept that to themselves out of consideration for their parent’s happiness!!!! What a manipulative and cruel thing to say! I’m so sorry your feelings weren’t validated or even heard. You deserve to be heard so I hope you have caring people in your life who support you now.

  40. when i was around 7 my childhood was stolen from me by my mothers boyfriend dont worry she’s not with him anymore he beat the shit out of her over and over again until she left him and as a child i didnt know what had happend to me i was so confused he molested me and orally raped me i honestly didnt know what happend to me i was so confused that i didnt know how to explain what he had done to me plus he said he would kill me if i would tell my mom but as i got older something in me wouldnt let it go so i was constantly drawn to sexually abused books and dated rapped and as i read i had realized that i was a victim of sexual abuse the day had come when i wanted to tell my mom and you know what i telled her and she didnt believe me she beat me instead of believing me after that my relationship with my mom has never been the same she swears that im her best friend but im not i lost half of my body when she didnt believe me i was so hurt and after thative never been the same but there was hope my boyfriend of 4 years was molested as well the fact that we have that in common and so much more is what is keeping us going love is love and trust me it does exsist so if you can find somebody to love you do it and be happy she still dosent believe me she just thinks im mentally ill i guess she always hits me and beats me god knows why our day will come when i can leave im only 15 but hey im out as soon as i can trust me until she believes me we will never have the same relationship again i basically hate the majority of my life the only reason why i havebt hit her is because she’s my mother thats the only reason why i havent went crazy all i can do is cry and wait for my boo to get out of jail but until then im out peace!

  41. Kayla,
    I know what an awful feeling it is not to be old enough to leave home, yet not to feel loved and protected there. When I was 15, I met someone I thought was wonderful and he had been sexually abused too and he asked me to marry him every day. I thought I was finally loved and I married him soon after I turned 17. It turned out I had jumped from the frying pan into the fire. It was 21 years of more abuse from him and he sexually abused our daughter. All I wanted was love but I never found it until I learned to love myself. Then I could be my own hero. I hope you find the same kind of self-saving love for yourself. You deserve it.

  42. I was raped from the ages of 9-16 from someone in my family. And when I came out with it when I was 16 my mom first believed me. Then she couldn’t handle not seeing her family cause it was my aunt and her boyfriend who had abused me. My mom put me in and out of psyche wards and a girls group home and said it was my fault. When I turned 18 I moved out on my own. And there is nothing that hurts the most that I don’t have a family at all. I am 24 years old and have done everything on my own since I have been pretty much 16. All I do is sit and cry.

  43. Diana,
    I’m so sorry you were rejected and betrayed like that. It’s devastating to be cast aside as though you have no value at all, especially from someone who is supposed to be your primary nurturer and protector.

    I’ve cried a lot of tears over the loss of my family too. There have been layers and layers of the pain as I face more of the truth of their actions. As painful as it is, facing the pain and the truth has also brought me a lot of freedom and a new life. I’m surrounded by people who love me and I truly love myself now. There’s happiness and peace on the other side of this.

  44. I was sexually abused by my father when i was young, i guess it happened when i was 7 or 8. I am 52 yrs old now. The past still haunts me. My sisters were also. Every time i bring it up to my mom, she get very offended. . Its seem like she try’s to pick out my mistakes. I never got must support from my sisters. My parents and I are not last close. I try to have a relationship with them , but it is hard. It has messes me up emotionally big time. Why cant my mom see that.

  45. I was molested by my uncle for years until I was 10 years old. My sisters were too. We told our mother and she told us to tell him to stop and not to tell our dad. It was never told.i feel so angry at my mother for not protectin us as I have a daughter of my own now and I would kill if anyone touched her.

  46. Mary,
    That’s awful! So your mother told you to tell your uncle to stop as though your voice would matter, yet your voice didn’t matter to her when you told her!!!! I’m so sorry you were discounted and betrayed by her. I’m glad you’re angry with her. My anger was the gateway to feeling compassion for myself, which I never did since my parents never showed me compassion. Thanks for sharing your experience.

  47. Kathy,
    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I’m sorry that your parents didn’t protect you or help you to heal. You deserved to be taken care of. I struggled with that for a long time. I wanted my parents to finally SEE me and the pain that I was in. It felt like I couldn’t heal unless they understood and apologized. But I found out that they weren’t the key to my healing and they weren’t even a part of my healing. I was the one who needed to validate my pain and to comfort it. That was when I really started to heal.

  48. Every time I bring up the past to my mother, She says that there is worst things that happen to people. I do not understand her at all. I think that the best thing I can do right now is stay away from my parents, even though they are both 80 yrs old. I am 52 yrs old. Why does the past still haunt me? Both of my sisters act like nothing ever happened. They kiss my parents ass. MY mother should support me more.

  49. many people have no idea that a person behaving in a different manner to what is normal in their household has been abused.. this brings me to yes we have a right to be heard. yes we will not sit on the sidelines and allow these horrbilbe people that have abused us to get away with it. the problem only goes away if the victim/s and survor/s give up and dont get justice. so for all of you I am in the process of statements and then court will follow and justice will be served.

  50. i never realized the effect of my telling my daughter that she needed to forgive so that God could forgive her would be so detrimental to her! My daughter was abused by her father, half brother and step brother.
    I was nieve and didn’t see it! No excuse for me!
    I love my daughter with all my heart and want to do everything and anything to help her with her healing! guilty of denial, unbelief, blaming others, and not accepting responsibility for my actions! (or non actions).

  51. Janet,
    Thank you for sharing that. I understand not knowing the helpful ways to respond. Even though I was sexually abused, when my daughter disclosed to me, my response was, “Why didn’t you tell me?” which sounded like I was blaming her for my inaction. Though she took it the way I meant it, which was that I wanted to know what kept her from trusting me with that information my response could have been extremely hurtful. The truth is, most parents don’t really know healthy ways to respond to things like this, but we can learn how to support our children in loving ways. It sounds like that’s what you’re doing.

  52. Kathy,
    That’s such an cruel response from your mother! Yes, there ARE worse things that happen to people, but does that mean the only person who deserves comfort and support is the person who was hurt the most? That doesn’t make any sense at all. That’s so invalidating and I’m sorry you were treated that way.

  53. Gabby, that’s great that you’re standing up for yourself!

  54. I am a mother of 2 sons. One 38, one 34. My oldest son never told me of his abuse by his male sitter until he was around 32. My youngest has never admitted or came forward with any abuse but I feel that he was also abused. The guilt I fee is overwhelming. AT the time of the abuse there were no signs, nothing said to me, no suttle hints dropped, just nothing. I am sick to my stomach that this happened and that I found out too many years too late to have any charges brought to the abuser. You see, the abuser left our community years ago, joined the Armed Forces and then took his own life with his service revolver. My oldest son has been very vocal that the is happy to know that this person cannot possibly hurt another young male and actually celebrated when he heard of his suicide. I can’t say I feel any different than he does in regard to the abuser. What I do not know is how to deal with my guilt over not seeing the signs. I do not know how to bring this up to my youngest son. Because I feel he was also abused but has never said anything I believe some of his anger issues and things he has done in his life is related to this hidden abuse. How can I help both of my sons deal with this? There is not a lot of information to help parentswho are just learning about their children being abused almost 30 years after the incident. How can I help heal my son/s? How can I live with my guilt of not recognising there had been abuse? How? Why? What? Are there any answers out there for someone like me to assist my son/s and perhaps, selfish of me but quite honestly help heal my guilt as well?

  55. Nadine,
    My mother failed to protect me from my father, but I also failed to protect my daughter from her father. I know the guilt that you feel. My guilt threatened to swallow me. To be in any kind of position to be a healthy support for my daughter, I had to deal with that. It was truly one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with.

    I wrote about that in this blog post and in the comments with this post:
    Confessions of a Child Molester’s Wife

    I hope you know you’re not alone with those feelings and that you’re not stuck with them. We’ll be dealing with more of the parents issues in the coming months, so be sure to subscribe to get updates on this site or check back.

  56. Hello survivors

    It is so true that the rejection on ones family hurts more than the actual abuse.

    I’m in the same boat where my mother has rejected me over the sexual abuse. Well I suppose she didnt reject me per se, but our relationship became too much.

    Her husband (my step father) molested me from age 8 until around 12. When I did tell her when I was 13, I was not believed. She actually asked him in front of me. Of course, he denied it. Luckily I moved out when I was 16.

    My mother has had depression as well as being alcoholic. Whenever I have tried to talk to her about me, she manipulates the conversation back to her and how she has suffered. I feel she blames me for her alcoholism and depression.

    She has sent me messages when I deleted her as a friend on Facebook 5 years ago telling me I am a selfish little cow and it’s always been about me and I do our relationship on my terms.

    When I got those messages I knew nothing would ever change.

    I’m the black sheep of the family and won’t live the lie anymore. I stopped all communication with the whole family 12 years ago.

    I know I needed to do that for my own sake. But in essense, I am an orphan with secret reasons for not having my own family.

    I recently saw my brother from Japan for a couple of days when he was in my area. He insinuated I was “loose”. I can just imagine that the picture of me painted to the rest of the family is of a sexually promiscious person ! They’ve laid it all out nicely that if the truth ever comes out, I was at fault. He was 6 when I left home so anything he knows about me is all hearsay.

    I am 43 now and am complentating exposing it all to the light and telling some family members what the story really is.

    But then…….I might not be believed again and will be told to just move on.

    Love and light

  57. I’ve been bawling my eyes out reading everyone’s story. My husband and I are both victims of molestation. My older brother molested me repeatedly as a child, and once I told my parents about it, they acted as if nothing ever happened. To this day, my dad asks me if I know how my brother is doing and what he’s up to. It makes me sick over and over again that they actually think they have the right to ask me that. I hate my dad for that, and my step mom. I am 34 years old with three children of my own, and I can’t ever imagine doing that to them…. they are my world, and I would do anything to protect them. I hate how my parents act like it’s no big deal. When you are raped repeatedly as young as 6 years old up until high school, it’s a HUGE deal. I am so sorry for all the pain you have all had to bear. My heart is with you, and I hope that one day you are able to heal and feel ok. I’ve accepted what has happened to me and have moved past it, but it still hurts. And in another sense, I feel numb. I would like my older brother to pay for what he has done, but unfortunately there’s a stupid law with a statute of limitations. I don’t think there should be. I have to bear this for the rest of my life, and he doesn’t have to pay for it one bit. Laws need to be changed.

  58. Is it wrong not to want s to talk to yr parents, after my dad molesting me at a young age. I do not know why, but the past has been haunting me lately. My dad bought me a washer and dyer for my wedding aniversery . For some reason I do not feel right that he did that, Cause I have been feeling different about my parents lately. I guess its because some of the remarks that my mom said to me. She always throws negative remarks in my face. Or even try to put me down. She always says that there are worse thing that happen to people. To me it was the worse thing . My child life was taken from, it was a living HELL!!!! My sisters and I were sexually, physically and emotionally abuse. My mom was not the easiest to live with. I think my dad made her that way. I do not how she could of lived with him all theses yrs. I am so glad I found this site. Now I do not feel so alone. I do not get no support from my mom, or my sisters.

  59. I also told my mom that my dad, brother, and two of my uncles abused me… She told me two weeks later (after saying she supported me) that I had a week to move out because she did not want to have to start a new life because of this. This was 5 years ago, and while I feel so alone and miss the thought of “family”, and struggle with personal relationships, I honestly feel like some choices and life decisions I have chosen to make since then will be a middle finger to them in the end. I am doing better than I have ever before. I am going to school and working full-time, and for the most part I am very independent and self-sufficient. Do I associate with my parents anymore….? No I can’t stand them, and seeing my dad makes me sick. But I have a better relationship with my oldest brother (not the one that abused me that way) who I thought always hated me. When I talked about my tribulations he told me right off the bat that he felt bad because he didn’t/couldn’t protect me back then. It is what it is, and the best thing I can do is learn and grow. Like I said I do have troubles dealing with life in general, and it may be more than the average Joe/Jane has to deal with… But I feel like I have come out stronger in the end to a point…

  60. I was adopted when I was a baby and I was sexually abused by my adoptive father. At the time I didn’t realise anything was wrong. One of my earliest memories is of being in the bathroom when I was around five when he was in the bath and him masturbating and showing me how he ejaculated. As far back as I can remember he would tickle me and would end up doing it to my private parts. As I said at the time I didn’t realise this was wrong (sometimes i question myself over this, as other people report that they always knew instinctively that it was wrong). But I didn’t really think anything of it, not that I got any sexual pleasure from it. One night when I was around 7 and my adoptive mother was out babysitting, he was doing it and then asked me if he could lick me there, as this was something he sometimes did with my mother. Again it didn’t occur to me to say no, he was my dad. He said in return I would have to touch him. So this is what started happening every time my mother went babysitting, he would do that to me (working himself up I see now) and then get me to relieve him. He never had intercourse with me and he was never violent in any way. I remember once I had just got undressed, when I saw through the French doors that my mum had come back home early. I told him and obviously it didn’t happen that night. I’m not sure how long this went on for exactly, maybe a year, maybe more, but for some reason I decided I didn’t want it to happen any more and I told him. He said ok, but asked me to do it one more time which I agreed to. Then it did stop, although once I was sitting in the living room and he lifted my skirt as he walked past and made a sexual sound and when I said ‘Don’t’ he just said ‘Why not?. Another time when my mum had been annoyed about me knocking on their bedroom door, he told me afterwards it was because she had wanted to have sex and I had disturbed them and put her off (not sure when this was). Then when I was in my mid teens it was just me and him in the living room one night watching TV. He had his dressing gown on and he started masturbating, lifting one side as though trying to hide it but surely totally aware that I knew what he was doing. By this time I had realised what had happened was wrong, and I just sat there frozen.

    It dawned on me that it was wrong when I was 11 in the first year of secondary school and a friend passed a comment about how one of teachers seemed the type who would mess around with children. I remember it hitting me like a ton of bricks. I felt this overwhelming sense of shame that I had done this with my father. I remember sitting in class looking at the other girls thinking that none of them would do anything so disgusting with their father.

    Anyway, my teenage years became very strange. I became obsessed with characters out of TV programmes and would shut myself in my room acting out strange scenarios. I realised other girls were developing feelings for the opposite sex, but I felt nothing, much as I tried to force myself to. I came to the conclusion that I was totally mad, that while their heads were full of boys, mine was full of bizarre obsessions that I couldn’t switch off and which had nothing to do with developing into a normal sexually functioning person. I felt I was a total freak and as a result could not form any close friendships with any one. When I reached my late teens I kind of had vague crushes on a couple of women, so decided I must be gay. I identified as a lesbian up my 30’s (I am now with a man and don’t think I was ever gay, although I must have some natural bisexual tendencies), but this never really felt quite right and I never had a functioning relationship with a woman. I also felt deep down I was still some totally insane freak anyway.

    When I was around 30 I developed a serious physical illness. Just after I had recovered from this I met a woman and immediately thought she was the one. However almost immediately I started to obsess that I might have caught a deadly sexually transmitted disease and I might give it to her. This obsession escalated in my head until I had a complete ‘breakdown’. She left me and this is when I ended up telling my adoptive mother about what my father had done. I had always thought that I couldn’t possibly tell her as it would destroy her, but now it was eating away at me more and more. At the same time I had always imagined that if I did tell her she would be horrified and go straight to my father and ask him what the hell he had thought he was doing. I had kind of always had her up on a pedestal. I had always thought she was the perfect mother. In many ways she had been. She had always looked after us, encouraged us to pursue education and made sure we did loads of out of school activities. I had always thought she cared about us deeply. Her immediate reaction was ‘Oh’. I knew straight away that she wasn’t going to react as I had expected. I was in a total state mentally and I said I was going to come home for the weekend. She picked me up from the station and told me she wasn’t sure whether I was imagining it but I mustn’t mention it to my dad or he wouldn’t ever want me in the house again. So I went back and stayed the weekend and nothing much was said. That was the last time I ever say my adoptive father, around 9 years ago now.

    After this I started phoning her and speaking to her about it. He reactions have been a huge source of pain ever since. She said what was the point of me saying something now, I should have kept it to myself. She said she couldn’t see that it done me any harm. She said he wouldn’t have know it was wrong and she doubted he would remember it anyway. She dismissed it with ‘Well, men take sex where they can get it’, maybe he loved me too much and couldn’t separate love from sex. And she refused to confront him about it. When I asked her to, she just said ‘No sorry I can’t help you, this is between you and him’. This infuriates me. While she wasn’t involved and I don’t believe she knew, I was a child in her care at the time. Surely it was to do with her??? In the end I ended up getting drunk and phoning him and confronting him. He admitted it straight away. He told me it was my fault that I used to play naked in the garden (they both encouraged this up until I was about 7) and asked me what I had done that for. Yes of course I had been thinking as a 6/7 year old, this must be turning daddy on, for God’s sake. I must have had a few conversations with him, shouting and swearing. He mocked me saying I should listen to myself and as I used the F word, he said, almost gleefully, ‘Well you certainly do a lot of f*cking.’ I ended up phoning one of my sisters drunk and telling her. The next day I phoned her back and she told me how mum and dad were really screwed up over it and I needed to be super nice to mum. She also said she didn’t feel comfortable talking about it. Yes right, and I feel really comfortable living with the memories of it actually happening to me. Once my sisters knew, my mother asked them if he had done anything to them and they both said no, which of course I am relieved about. But now every one knew and no one (except my adoptive brother) was supporting me. My mother told me she thought I would feel guilty for destroying the family. I said ‘So you think I am to blame’. She said no, but women feel guilty. headgames, twisting words. Of course she wants me to feel guilty while she wants to protect him. She has said he cannot be allowed to think he is wrong, as his father always told him he was wrong. And? Some luxury to be afforded. So yes, as seems to be the case so often, the reaction is that it’s all so damaging for every one else once they find out, but strangely enough the person who it actually happened to isn’t recognised as having been harmed at all. And as such, we are supposed to bear the guilt for the pain it causes them.

    Anyway sorry ranting on, basically this was all around 9 years ago,and I have almost entirely lost contact with my parents and sisters. I saw my mum a few times, but always ended up getting really angry as she just wouldn’t listen to anything I said. I did report it to the police but decided to drop it. (I don’t think my father is a threat to any one, I think he was an opportunist, and would not go out of his way to access children). My mum said she would probably have lied had I gone ahead with it. My relationship with them is nothing now beyond the odd abusive message I send when I have had a few too many drinks. I know I will never see or speak to them again, in a few years I expect my parents will both be dead. I now realise I never really had a family at all.

  61. I told my mom after some 20 years, not even realising until the birth of my second child who was a girl and realising that i would not accept it for her… for she was pure as i once realised i was. As i imagined i told her once and it was never mentioned again like it never happened and again i deal with the burden myself and wonder how my life can ever be something normal, like my twin brother’s life is. always the black sheep, always to be stained and soiled.

  62. It was difficult reading this and had me in tears by the second paragraph. I was 18 when I told my mom that my cousin, who was 4 years older than me, molested me when I was 9-12. My parents always told me to come to them if someone touches or hurts me. I never did this because my father was so close to his brothers and sisters that if I told him my aunts son was molesting me, I would ruin the whole family and that it would be all of my fault. When I was home for Christmas break from college at 18, I had been having terrible revisions of the past and decided to talk to my mom about it. She was completely non-responsive. She didn’t say anything to me. I cried and she looked disgusted, like it was my fault it had happened. I love my mother, she is an amazing woman and one of my best friends. But it hurts me, more than what happened. Instead she went to his wedding on New Years. I am 24 now, still hurt and damaged. Guilt swallows me after any pleasurable moment I share with my boyfriend. I wish I could say something to my mom again but now I don’t even know if it’s worth it.

  63. I wish I could have read more or just been more aware. Parents aren’t prepared for this situations. My son and my daughter were picked up from school by my husband’s uncle four days a week. They are still very young and he started helping us when my youngest was hardly a year old.
    I didn’t catch the signs and when I started to feel something was wrong, I ignored it because I didn’t want to overreact when I had no solid reason for it. My daughter never told and still denies it. My son is getting to a point where he can communicate what’s happening to him and it came out from his stories.
    The preschool called children services and took the blame for overreacting off of me. I am so very grateful, but still feel like I acted like a coward for not doing it myself. I really didn’t know what to do or who to call. I was so distracted by arguments with my husband who still doesn’t believe his Uncle could do this.
    The case is nearly closed because insufficient evdience. Without physical proof like semen or blood or even signs from bruising, it is incredibly hard to get the prosecutor to take it to court.
    Do I yell and scream at him? Do I tell him he’s not doing his job?
    I am afraid of pushing too hard and ending my marriage and yet, if I don’t push to get the accused to admit or get help, will he hurt another child?
    I also lost my temper. When my daughter acted out a sex act with her brother and I caught them, I freaked and screamed at both of them. I didn’t know how to calmly explain why they shouldn’t do it and ask what gave them the idea. It was before my son said something happened and behavior changes were my only cues. Why didn’t I handle it correctly? How could I have screwed up so badly?

  64. My Mom used to beat the shit out of me and by doing that caused a sort of resentment. I have been trying to fix things but she wont admit her beatings did damage and continues to blame me for hers and my problems. She told me im the reason she got cancer, im the reason she is fat, im the reason she screams at my brother and tons of other stuff. Just things like that constantly and i can’t stop it. Im only 17 and i cant just walk away. Im trying to fix things and everyone who talks to us as a family (weve gone to counciling numorouse times) tells them that there is nothing wrong with me and that im a great kid. That they need to loosen up on me. But my mom gets madder at me and it makes things worse. I don’t know what to do sometimes. Help?

  65. A piece at a time I let it go, the pieces of my heart gets torn again and I have to allowing healing almost all over again, whatever it takes because I have every right to be here and be happy. The whole world can say different but I choose to listen to what God tells me, He is righteous and loving and will show me the way if I am silent and allow his peace to flow through me. My heart had to compartmentalize, never mind my head, my heart longed, reached out, tried again and again in spite of what my head said, but now I think more than anything is listen to my soul, it is there though it was damaged, it never died, hope never died. My family nearly killed me from stress but I survived unimaginable pain and near death for a reason. I’m still here! I ma here to learn who is the inner child, what untapped potential is undiscovered that God blessed me with when I was just a seed? I want to know, I want to explore all those areas that I have long to be unleash and ability to express it. The more I push out the noise the closer I come to clarity. It ins’t a matter of having a cold heart and cutting people off, it is knowing what is good for me, what has robbed me of my health and stifled my potential. I am fighting to be me now! If I have to get forceful about it is is because I’ve been cornered (gaslighted) by sociapth’s one too many times and have had too many sticks poked at me. I forgive myself for overreaction and hurtful things said after being tormented and finally blowing. That isn’t the me I wanted to be, they broke my heart. So I will be silent and seek people who can bring me up higher and show me how to live by their example. I want to be mature and try to be more thoughtful. I pray for release from all guilt, to feel I am entitled to wipe the slate clean and scribble and erase and scribble and erase on the chalkboard until I can stand back and say I like the picture. The true picture, what is real and not. I want ot focus on my path and not let jealous, petty, narccistic, sick people spil the journey. I have to leave them behind to finally find me!

  66. From when I was three til i was eight my cousin raped me. He told me that he loved me and that no one else would want me. I agreed. It used to happen whenever i visited my gran. I told my mothers friend when i was five she told my mother. You see my parents listened i mean what five year old comes out with something like that we had a family meeting. I remember my auntie cried and my gran laughed and said she didnt believe me. When i was 10 we had sex ed it took every ounce of control i had not to break down and cry. I told a friend i thought i could trust she told everyone. They laughed at me i tried to kill myself god knows how many times. Social services ggot involved and said for me to stay away from him. My gran doesnt listen. I have to see her cause she forces me too i have to see him and be in the same room as him. She doesnt listen. Ive had 18 sessions of eye to eye counseling and have to go to mental health counselling too in dinner cues boys push right into me and it reminds me of how i gave in. Ive been told its not my fault but it is i am the weak one. I gave in. My gran has called me fat for as long as i can remember. My sister is three now and im scared hell do the same. I dont want to break up the family by taking legal actions but i dont want the same thing to happen ti my sister either

  67. My cousin raped me from the age of 3 – 8. It stopped because i walked away. My parents believe me my gran doesnt. She picks out all of my flaws im fat ugly etc. I remember that he told me he loved me and that nobody else would. I believed him. My school found out and i just wanted to die i still do but not as bad. I tried to kill myself and cut myself all the time. I was 5 when i told my parenta. At 11 sex ed was hell. Im told its not my fault but it is. I was weak. I believed him. I gave in. Im scared my sister will be rapes by him to. Shes three. I am 12 and i cant deal with any of it any more.

  68. Chloe,
    The way you were treated was awful! I’m sorry you were betrayed by so many people. Social Services told you to stay away from him??? That’s ridiculous! That’s communicating that YOU were a participant instead of a victim. That kind of thing really makes me angry.

    I understand your fear of reporting your cousin and the fear of breaking up the family. Our family accused my daughter of destroying the family when she reported her dad. The whole family knew what he had done to her, but wanted to protect him instead of her. The truth is that SHE didn’t break anything. The family was already broken. Their secrets and lies and abuse destroyed the family. Exposing all that gave everyone a chance to change, so it was good for them too. They didn’t take that opportunity, but they had the chance at freedom just the same as my daughter and I did.


  69. Chloe,
    I just read your second comment saying that you’re 12. What a horrible position to be in! I’m so sorry that you’re the only one in your family willing to try to protect your sister. I hope you know that you are not responsible for whatever your abuser does. My heart breaks for you and your sister.


  70. For years my family pretendes like nothing happened and all I got in return of the disclosure of the sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my uncle was we’re sorry we didn’t know. I thought that finally I would finally get a little bit of sympathy and understand why i was such an angry child, why i had tried to commit suicide but all I got was silence, keep it hush hush and let’s all pretend nothing happened. I struggle with this every day of my life, it hasn’t gone away and I’m afraid the fear and the desperation I feel to be relabled something other than “You were a difficult child, you’re just an angry person” will never go away. I don’t think I will ever feel “normal”.

  71. Desperately lonely,
    I’m so sorry you, your experience and your pain were dismissed away. I understand the struggle when those who should offer the most love and support are so cold and distant. I used to feel the same disgust for myself that my mother felt for me and I felt lost in my pain.

    By confronting the way I learned to think of myself through their eyes, I began to love myself and have compassion for myself. Now, I don’t wait for them to change their opinion of me since I don’t need them to see the truth. I see the truth about myself now and that set me free.

    I hope for the same freedom for you. You are worthy of love.


  72. I was around 9 or 10 when it started and continued for the next few years. I keep having blackouts when i try to recall, can’t remember much. My uncle (Mother’s brother) used to stay with us. During the night he often used to come into my room, I have vague memory of him on top of me doing something, often i used to get up in the morning, my clothes, underwear taken off, my body conveniently covered with a blanket. It kept on happening for so long and growing up in a muslim country I had no clue as to what was actually happening to me since these are things that were never ever talked about in families or tv channels in our country. I felt sick every morning, i just wanted to throw up and peel the skin off of my body. When i finally gathered the courage to tell my mom she told me she will slap me across the face and throw me out of the house if i mention this to anyone, that i was stupid and selfish and that i was disgusting for making up such lies.

    Those words just broke something inside of me and i swear nothing in this world can fix that. Its been over 10 years and my mom still invites her brother over, often times i am kicked out of my room so that her brother, that piece of absolute shit, can sleep on my bed. He enjoys the power he has over me still, he smirks when he sees me and often calls up and doesn’t say anything but breathes heavily on the phone.

    The abuse didn’t manage to damage me as much as what my own mother did to me. And some things in life cannot be fixed and this is just one of them.

  73. I’m hoping to get some advice from this. A few days ago I found out that my friends has been sexually and physically abused since she was five and we are now 15, she told her parents last year and they don’t believe her. When she was little her dad had custody of her because her mother was unstable, then when she was three her mother tried to kid nap her. She always believed that her step mom was her bio mom because she had blocked out the memory of being kidnapped. Now that she knows her stepmom isn’t her bio mom they think she wants their attention. She lives with her stepmom, father, 2 year old sister, and four year old brother. Her abuser was her faters fater, her grandfather. He would tell her that if she told anyone he would do the Same thing to her siblings that he did to her. Recently when she told her mom and dad they said she wanted attention because of her trying to figure out about her bio mom and her childhood. They went to court because (it’s unclear to me) the police became involved. In court her entire family testified against her and said that she was a liar. Now nothing is being done and every day she fears for her life because her grandfather is still out there and can see her at anytime. I want to help but I don’t know what to do other then be there for her, is there any way me and her could somehow get him arrested or anything without an adult? Help! What do I do ?

  74. Anonymous,
    I’m so sorry that your friend is in such a painful position. When my daughter and I reported her abuse, we talked with the Center Against Family Violence in the city where the abuse occurred. That’s not something that every city has, but if you call the police dept, they should be able to tell you who you need to talk with. I’m not sure if anything legally can be done, but the support that you are giving her is so important.

  75. Anonymous,
    Thank you for sharing your story. Wow, that’s so painful to be treated that way by your own mother! I can understand feeling more damage from her response than from the sexual abuse. Both are so awful. I hope that you do find healing.


  76. My three year old disclosed abuse to me 5 weeks ago. She reported that it was her father, who was removed from our home for domestic violence. It came up one year ago when she was less verbal. I went through all the legal channels but she did not disclose to anyone else. He began demanding to see her again using an out of date visitation court order and threatening police action. He is also saying i made a false allegation and trying to get custody (i have been advised that this is unlikely, but also that the judge hearing it thinks that women falsely alledge all the time in custody disputes). I am scared as hell and really confused- or more accurately, disempowered. Dealing with the legal side has drained me and left me little extra to attend to her with. I did ask her many times “are you sure?” “is this real?” which i am horrified to realize now undermines her. There is no evidence but her story remains the same. I would like feedback if you have any.

  77. to clarify the above: i have full legal and physical custody. His court case against me seeks custody. It seems insane. Frightenly though, i did keep him away for a month, which the court wont like, but he did not demand or ask more than once. I just told him a court should decided (then, after several complications, didnt file). How did i end up with so little power here as the primary protectorate of an preschooler?

  78. Hi,

    my family never tried to understand the effects of my sexual abuse when I was in my early twenties. Their lack of empathy, understanding and care and the fact to just ignore all of what has happened to me and their lack of time has been very difficult to deal with. I have been suicidal since I was a kid and have been dealing with depression for 15 years and taking antidepressants for 13 years. None of them took the time to even to read some about my sexual abuse or about my depression. I live in an undeveloped country where there are no good therapists. I relate to the story called: “Don’t Tell Me To Get Over It.” It would have meant the world for me to have my family to support me too. The sexual abuse not only did a lot of damage to me but it took me away my family with it.

  79. When I was 10 years old my uncle,who was living with us at the time,began sexually molesting me.My father was in the military and worked overnight.My mother also worked at nights so my uncle watched me and my brother. One day he started touching me while my mother was in the house. I ran upstairs and told her what he had been doing. She confronted but she also told him to leave before my father got home. She didn’t want my father to hurt him. She protected my uncle instead of protecting me. Then it was never talked about and just swept under the rug.
    As I grew up and was planning my wedding,my mother wanted me o invite my uncle. She thought I “should have been over it” and forgiven him. I refused and we had quite a few arguments about it until she said she would not pay for my wedding and she would not be there to see me get married. Finally my father said to let my uncle show up and he would have his opportunity to beat him to a pulp. She dropped it after that. She did tell me that she blames me for the abuse,I was asking for it,I wanted it to happen. I was 10 years old still playing house and playing with dolls. What did I know about sex? Why would I want something so disgusting as an old man kissing me and touching me?
    I’m 54 years old now,I have no relationship with my mother yet I crave her acceptance,which I know will never happen. My counselor has told me that I need to confront her but I can’t. I’m so afraid because I know she will deny placing the blame on me and we’ll just get into a huge battle.

    I found it’s so much easier to be alone in this world,to not try to count on anyone for anything. I was never allowed a voice while I was growing up. It was always my parents rules,their house and if I didn’t like then I could get out. I got out of my mothers life.

  80. I have been looking for other stories similar to mine. Thank you for your strength and willingness to share.

  81. What morally reprehensible pieces of shit these awful excuses for family are, I’m appalled at the lack of more angry responses on here, so I wish to stick up for these people and say what we’re all thinking. These scumbag, sub-human facilitators of rape, abuse, and molestation need to be locked up for eternity, where maybe they’ll learn what these horrid experiences are really like firsthand, seeing as they seemingly have no sympathy or even empathy for others regarding such disgustingly inhuman actions. Just in case anyone thinks I don’t personally understand this, believe that I definitely do, but don’t currently wish to share my past traumas. Its so hard sometimes, trying to go about life with a facade of normalcy, while this past event eats away at you on the inside, and you may try and pretend to not notice, but it is ever present in the back of one’s mind, creeping in to fill the void when there is no other thought in your head to keep you preoccupied from these sufferings. And you wonder, while maybe not physical, what the extent of these damages are that have been done to your mind and soul, and if they will ever truly, fully heal.

  82. I’m only 22, but after bottling up years of unfair treatment and being molested as a kid, I finally told my parents about it. I wasn’t sure how they’d react, but I thought at least they’d say something like, “We believe you and we’re sorry that happened;.what can we do to help you now?” Unfortunately, my dad looked at me like I was crazy and asked me to tell him what happened. That really hurt because my family almost went to the police b/c of one of the incidents that happened to me when I was 6. How could he forget? I hated having to re-tell what happened…it was awful.

    My dad acted like he couldn’t remember anything and my mom accused me of exaggerating events b/c I work with kids in tough situations. She claimed everything that happened to me wasn’t bad enough to be called sexual abuse/molestation. She said my older cousins that hurt me were simply “copying what they saw on tv/internet.” Sorry, last time I checked, it wasn’t okay to try to rape children, expose them to porn, grope them, or coerce them into touching others private areas. And all those things happened to me. I was scared to tell my parents about being molested, but I thought they’d hear me out and believe me. I feel like I exposed a vulnerable part of me, only for it to be crushed. I feel like crawling up into ball. I don’t easily trust people and this has been a huge hit on my self esteem. I don’t know what to do. I already have trust issues with my family and now feel like parents don’t care either. I wish I could live on my own, because living w/ my parents knowing they don’t fully believe and are willing to defend the families that hurt me is too much to bare right now.

  83. I’m only 22, but after bottling up years of unfair treatment and being molested as a kid, I finally told my parents about it. I wasn’t sure how they’d react, but I thought at least they’d say something like, “We believe you and we’re sorry that happened;.what can we do to help you now?” Unfortunately, my dad looked at me like I was crazy and asked me to tell him what happened. That really hurt because my family almost went to the police b/c of one of the incidents that happened to me when I was 6. How could he forget? I hated having to re-tell what happened…it was awful. They didn’t really believe me.

    I don’t know what to do. I already have trust issues with my family and now feel like parents don’t care either. I wish I could live on my own, because living w/ my parents knowing they don’t fully believe and are willing to defend the families that hurt me is too much to bare right now.

  84. I’d like to say thanks to all who have shared stories. It takes a lot of courage. My story is so long and so complex. My 18 year old cousin sodomized me when I was four. My mom had just gotten divorced from my dad and we lived with my grandma and grandpa (who molested my mom). There was our family (myself, my younger brother and my mom), my grandparents , two aunts, two uncles and the cousin who did this to me. I just recently found out information that makes me believe that he was doing this to my little brother too. I never had to tell anyone what happened, my uncle found out about it and made him leave the house. You would think my mom would have done something , I was only four. No police, no punishment for his actions. She remarried right away. My dad was killed by his dad shortly after we moved in with my grandma. So she wanted to start over I guess. So my new step dad molested me at age 7. I told my mom when I was eleven. I didn’t even know how to term what he did to me. It wasn’t until I overheard our babysitter talking about being “fingered” that I knew what he did. My babysitter said I needed to tell me mom right away about what my step dad had done. I told her. She’s still married to the man. I’m 36 now. He had a conviction of lewd and indecent acts with a child under the age of sixteen because he had tried to have sex with my 13 year old friend ( I was the same age at the time). But yet, she’s still with him. She doesn’t think anything happened to me. She thinks it all stems from what happened when I was four. I was raped by a friends older brother when I was thirteen. I told her and she put me on birth control. It’s funny how she was everything to me until about a year ago. She found out her husband was paying for sex from her brothers girlfriend. I thought surely she’d leave him. He was paying a drug addict for sex. She almost did leave him but she couldn’t do it. I don’t know what snapped in me but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized she was the problem too and she never protected me. Never hugged or comforted me. She never even cared. She didn’t even care enough about herself. She couldn’t ever see why I couldn’t just get over it. Forgive and forget. There are so many terrible details about things she has said and done that I am just now getting. I have realized a lot in the past year. I would like to say that I am very lucky to have a good support system. I have a great husband who I’ve been married to for over 16 years. God I love that man for dealing with all of this right beside me. I know it’s hard for him too but yet he’s right there for me unconditionally. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. I do believe that looking at her has made me realize how terrible my mother is. I ask myself how could she do and say those things and let all of that happen to me. I have all kinds of issues I’m working on. It’s a daily struggle. I have anger outbursts, I’m never really in the moment, I self medicate, I cry all the time, I am insecure, I over analyze everything, I’m needy, I never feel understood, I don’t like to be touched, I feel like no one believes me about even basic things, I have panic attacks, I always feel like I’m going to die young, I feel crazy, I feel dirty and nasty. I feel like I am expected to just get over it. But I can’t. I can never get over it. I am overwhelmingly sad sometimes. I miss the family I hate. And I do hate them, every last one of them. I am trying my best to cope and I know I’m right in the middle of the storm right now. I have good days where I know I’m changing the cycle that has infected my family. I have bad days too where I just know I’m going straight over the edge. I hadn’t intended for this to be so lengthy butt I must say it feels good to just lay it out. I’ve only scratched the surface of the pain I feel.

  85. I should mention that while I have all of these struggles and feelings, I maintain a normal life the best I can. I read my comment and actually felt sorry for myself, it sounded so crazy written out. I’d like say once more how lucky I am to have such a great support group. I believe this is key. I still do not know how I ended up being so lucky in my adult life. Given all of my past, I should be way worse off. I’m not though. I’m successful,I have a great circle of people who put off positive vibes and love me even when I don’t love myself. I have everything going for me and I have a chance to make a difference. I cannot let it consume me. At the end of the day it’s still there though, that feeling that “anoneemos” described. I really related to that post.

  86. Hi I commented before about my past (comment 67) but things are getting worse.
    I have been having disturbed sleep because I can’t stop thinking I couldve done something to stop
    It. I think its because my parents still allowed me to go over to my ‘grandparents’ house and I’ve been
    Forced to be in the same room as my cousin. Evrytime I saw him he would stare at me and when my grandparents walked out of the room leaving him with me and my brother I freaked out big time because he shoved pillows into my brothers face so that he could kiss me. My bbrother currently has spine problems and I reckon that’s his fault as he always shoved him into cupboards and played british bulldogs with him.
    I told the school nurse because I thought I could just be anemic that I was losing sleep and then she asked was there anything wrong at home so I told her evrything and she knew social services knew and she promised she would tell no one but on july 22nd my mother got a phone call from social services again and this time they believed I was in danger. My mam had a go at me as that day was her birthday and said I had ruined that like I ruined her life. We had interviews with them and I was shocked to know thabut its kit even though my brother was 6 when it ended he remembered everything! My cousin (I hate calling him.
    that but its kind of relevent) used to play a game where he would hide in one of the bedrooms and we had to try to find him seperatly. Then I had my gran (after social came to conclusion that she was a danger to us) come to my house calling me a liar claiming I hadn’t been left alone with him after I told which even my brother can say was total bull! She reckoned she never called me fat or ugly even when my mother had been witness! My dear mother only went and told her about me cutting when I clearly told her I want nothing to do withe her! Of course they had no idea that I was sitting in the bathroom (which is on top of the stairs) and that I could hear every word . I couldn’t help it but I sat there crying and when granny dearest left I told my mother that I hated her (my mother now) and that she totally betrayed me. My dad phoned my gran and told her not to come back and what’s the first thing she did? That’s right she came back but we didn’t let her in we ignored her. I later found out that my so called cousin admitted everything when I told and I was gutted. I thought man gran didn’t know and that she actually thought I was lying so she criticised me but now I know that I was wrong and now I have to go to new pathways and I feel like shutting off and I hear voices in my head telling me to cut and that everything would be better if I died I try to ignore them so I started smoking and it became my coping method. I have shut my self off from my parents and my grandparents are now allowed to see brothers and sisters and come to my house and try to speak to me. 3 weeks ago I went on holidays with my friend and I was told we were staying by a beach and for some reason all I could think about was when my other cousin tried to drown me at the beach and if I hadn’t of got her hand from around my throat I wouldve died. I remebered standing up and my grandparents laughing at me and I just don’t know what to do I saw the cousin that tried to drown me and I felt so vulnerable. My mother got a text from my auntie asking what I wanted for xmas so I text back and told her I wanted a real family not one that makes me feel like rubbish. But one that makes me feel loved. She didn’t reply. I went back to school and I feel so small (even though I’m 13 and 5 ft 7). I sit next to a boy in nearly every lesson and this boy was running his hand down my back and he went to sit on my lap and I don’t know why I did it but I wanted him to get away from me. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so alone not even my counsellor can get me to talk I only do it on here becuase although you know my name and my story you don’t know me. Some days I think I should just end it all and listen to those voices. Maybe it would be best

  87. Your Granny sound like my Mother. People like her don’t think normal, remember that, she is mentally ill to treat you that way. My parents were mentally ill as are my siblings. narcissistic sociopaths that stop at nothing. Your grandma, like my family, is only worried about her own skin. You coming out with the truth has tainted her reputation, that her family isn’t perfect, it is a reflection on her. That’s how they look at things, it isn’t normal. Normal families protect their young. She deserves to be pushed out of your family because of her attitude and thank God your parents are strong enough to stand up to it.
    Being a teenager is confusing enough without having to deal with these emotions on top of it. Talk to your counselor, the more you talk it out the better. If you can’t open up maybe it isn’t the right fit. Then you might want to see if going to a different one helps.
    You are ahead of the game in the long run in that you were able to tell the truth now instead of bottling it up for years and years like many of us who never will have any family support.
    You were very brave to open up in hopes it will protect not just yourself but your siblings. You did the right thing putting a stop to it. God bless you!

  88. Chloe,
    Your life will get better, I promise. I had times when I really did want to end things and I’m so glad I didn’t. It’s hard but as you mature and once you are able to move out from your mom’s house (it will be a wonderfully terrifying day, I assure you) you begin to see how amazingly strong you are. You begin to see the shit that so many other women have been through and you begin to learn how you can be strong for them. There is an incredible and beautiful life out there waiting for you. You just might have to wait a little bit longer to. I sincerely hope you believe me that it will be worth it.
    Much love.

  89. I am a 59 year old woman. I have made great strides in overcoming the damage of 10 years of sexual abuse at the hands of my father (from 6-16, when I put an end to it). My father was eventually arrested at the age of 68. He had been abusing children all over the country for decades. He was finally brought to justice and sentenced to 25 years in federal prison. He died in prison less than a year later of a heart attack.

    I am still dealing with my mother, who is still in denial and doesn’t want to accept responsibility for the continued abuse. I don’t know if she knew about it when I was 6-13 (I can’t imagine she didn’t know something was wrong with me), but she found out for certain when I was 13. The pain of her turning a blind eye to the next three years of abuse and accusing me of being neurotic has recently become a problem for me. I am caring for her in a number of ways now and I think that this is what has caused me to reach this level of understanding that there is more healing and a need to deal with this part of the story of my abuse.

    I don’t know if she will be open to discussion, but I am going to discuss this with her. If she can’t accept the responsibility of enabling the abuse at the hands of my father, I believe I will need to distance myself from her. I don’t want to pretend that just because time has marched on, that her betrayal doesn’t affect me now. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to engage with her and I realize this is self-defeating for both of us.

    I have been praying about how to deal with this issue of my abuse. I know finding this website is part of the answer to my prayer.

    Thank you for what you do in bringing this crime out into the open.


  90. Hi guys well I will be short I have been molested by my friends in the same building I front of my brother I was 12 and didn t even helped me it happened many times and he did treat me a gay and kept molesting me . I did told my parents they shout at him and then I a couple of days got him bk home bxs they were friends with his motherI didn t knew what to do so we were bk friends I was 12 I was confused I tought it was normal.well I am 17 now I feel like my hole chilhood is gone I didn t enjoyed it it was full of sadness .well 5 years together loving him as a friend and hating him at the same time was hard we do go to each other ooccasionally for birthdays and evrytine I come bk crying I do tell my parents again and again my mothef sayz I will not talk anymore and we do I am emotionnaly confused and when I told my parents about my sex orientations problems my mom said if you will be gay then leave the house she was rude she hurt me and my father never home to make me feel secured and give a men s lessons I am pretty much said in my life and after the molesting my brother and my mother kept saying to me I am gay and noob for 4 years and when I was little was always abused by my mother physically she used to hurt me so much so yea guys at this point I hate my life and myself

  91. I just want to say how many strong people there are on this site! I’m now 40 but am forever “in my head” about what happened to me at 7yrs old by my then 13yr old step brother. More so what I keep going over is the way my mother responds to it all.
    From my memory,or atleast what I can piece together from it…my brother and his friend and I were “playing” in his bedroom. We were having piggy back fights. I was up on my step brothers shoulders. My mum walked in a freaked out and told me to get off his shoulders and to go up to her room and wait for her. When she entered the room she lay me down and “inspected” me down there! I asked her what she was doing and she said she was checking to see if I had been hurt. I was rather freaked out myself . My heart was pounding in my chest and I just felt scared. I asked her why she thought I might be hurt. She then told me I had been molested by someone before and that someone was in our family. Now I not only felt scared I was also confused.
    Not long afterwards my step brother was sent to boarding school and then to live with his mother. He still came home every holidays. In the mean time I was a nervous wreck! Very tearful and struggled with friendships. My school reports from this age show that the teachers noticed it and I can remember one teacher called her in to discuss my emotional state. I remember Mum feeling very indignant of being told she wasn’t being a very good mother (or atleast that was how she heard it) I did get better to some degree over the years because I was just struggling with making heads or tails of it all I blocked it out..
    However it must have been in the back of my mind because I was drawn to male company more as I grew into my pre-teens. That was seen by others as being worthy of being labeled as a “slut”. Kids are very forthright in saying so, so I was very forthright in punching them in the face. I grew very angry and felt like “how do they know what happened to me? Do I have it tattooed on my forehead DIRTY or something?” It wasn’t till I was 12 that I had this almighty flashback the night of a school disco. All sorts came flooding back to me. I had so many unanswered and unexplained voices going on with in me I didn’t know how to approach my mother. I think one day I asked her if it had been my dad who had molested me and was that why they broke up? That was the first time I discovered that it was drugs that caused my parents split. I must admit it felt better knowing it wasn’t him.
    Besides that it wasn’t until I had started getting some counselling at age 20 (through support from my now husband of 21yrs) that I confronted my mother about who and what had happened back then. I also needed to tell her that I was raped on holiday by a guy I knew when I was 14 (funny that this event doesn’t bother me as much but I know what went on) she kind of stopped me in mid discussion and told me to hold back, that she needed to talk to someone before she told me. I felt like I hadn’t even got to talk properly about it all. She told me I was confused….
    Anyhow a couple of weeks later I went to visit her again and she tells me it was my step brother who did it. She had walked in on him and I doing things where it was intercourse but penetration of other sorts. (Without being more graphic) she had gone to see him and asked if that was the only time. He said yes and that he has had to live with this all of HIS life. My mother and my step brother remained close over the years as did I (I wouldn’t have if I’d known) I would visit him and once I can remember him and my other brother confronting an employer of mine who had made sexual advances at me. (Good act)
    I have since remembered MANY other encounters with him in the bath at night. I know why I never felt clean! I hate having baths now! He out and out lied! My mother believed him. Now he knows I know that I remember we rarely see each other (wish I didn’t have to at all) and when we do(family occasions) he avoids eye contact with me. his wife undoubtedly knows nothing of it and my step father doesn’t either. My mum asked me not to say anything. When ever he has a crisis, my mother is the one he calls. Perhaps because she doesn’t judge him but it makes me feel like she’s betrayed me! I would like to say I’ve forgiven him but then again he hasn’t asked for forgiveness so I can’t can I? He is a coward hiding behind MY mothers skirt. Mum always mentions that she’s seen him and that he asked about me or said that he likes my art. I DONT want to hear that! I don’t want to hear any of it! I wish she would do the right thing by ME and disconnect but I know that won’t happen.
    I recently spoke to my two real brothers about it. I sent one of them a letter when I was 20 telling them what happened to me. I could tell he didn’t believe me. When I spoke to my eldest brother about it recently he thought I’d made it up too. He said he believed me but now it’s been months without any contact from him. Now I feel dirty all over again.
    My mothers response back then now leads me to think of my life like a jigsaw puzzle with blank spaces. I hate the feeling. I want to confront my mother about it but I know she would rather I just moved on and not rock the boat. I also want to have the courage to confront my step brother face to face. I’m 40 now. Shouldn’t I now be strong enough?! Not sure if I am. Our neighbour has a friend who visits who laughs exactly like him and to this day it makes me want to run and hide or to throw up! My mother continues to betray me by having a close relationship with my abuser. Is it worth it to confront them? Will it stop me from these tangled up thoughts in my head? I’m sick of feeling nauseous when I think about it. Any advice?

  92. I was drawn to this article because I am also trying to come to terms with my Mother’s reaction when I was sexually abused. Like many others; I had a very negative reaction from her and it has hurt me more than the abuse did. I empathise with all those other people who have felt mixed up emotionally over her behaviour. But I also feel relief that I am not alone..In my case I was sexually abused at the age of 8 by my older cousin, Ann. She groomed me for a few months beforehand by becoming my best friend and confidante until eventually I would be willing to do what she wanted. I then had a few months of her making me a participant in her sexual fantasies until finally my Mother walked in and caught us in the act. I was so relieved that it was finally over – but instead of being released from the clutches of my cousin, I was left with her. My Mother left me with my cousin until the morning and then called me a dirty, disgusting little girl and forever – after treated me that way. She distanced herself from me emotionally and I was treated like a second-class citizen.
    Then I was sexually abused by my older brother from the age of 13. Yet again I told my Mother and hoped that she would believe me and stop my brother from hurting me. But she didnt; instead she walked off and left me with him. My brother was ecstatic about this and could not wait to get a hold of me. I was pinned down and forced to do stuff that I really did not want to do and he threatened me and tortured me. He taunted me with the fact that my Mother did not believe what I had said. This type of behaviour went on for years until he finally left home and I could relax a little. But whenever I am in his company I feel tense and I know that he would hurt me again if he had the chance. I have put a stop to that now by removing myself from my family and having a restraining order put on him.
    To this day (and I am 49 now) I find it astonishing that a loving parent could behave that way…but maybe that is the nub of it. She was not a loving parent and maybe I need to stop deluding myself?

  93. Wow, thank you all for sharing your awful experiences, such a brave thing to do and such strength to start regaining control of your own lives.
    I can relate to so many different aspects posted.
    I am in my late thirties and only spoke about my chdhood experiences for the first time a month ago.
    I had asked very similar questions to my mother. She is another that went into denial apportioning all blame on me. Next time i asked she tried brushing tbings under the carpet. By the sounds of it using common phrases including, why are you dragging up the past? The past should remain there! It does nobody any good talking about it! You will only cause yourself more problems…….blah blah blah.
    I finally started counselling due to depression bought on by ill health and yes ‘prehistoric’ things have beeb bought up

  94. Wow, i am taken a back, thank you all for having the confidence to share your awful experiences, such a brave thing to do and such strength to start regaining control of your own lives.
    I can relate to so many different aspects posted.
    I am in my late thirties and only spoke about my childhood experiences for the first time a month ago.
    I had asked very similar questions to my mother over the years, that many on here have asked. She is another that went into denial apportioning all blame on me. Following occasions i asked she tried brushing things under the carpet. By the sounds of it using common phrases including, why are you dragging up the past? The past should remain there! It does nobody any good talking about it! You will only cause yourself more problems…….blah blah blah.
    I finally started counselling due to depression bought on by ill health (i have had 3 strokes and have osteo problems) and yes ‘prehistoric’ things have been bought up.
    I spoke to my dad for the first time ever about it. I just needed to know whether he knew or not. His face said it all, he definitely hadnt got a clue. He went into dimissive mode and said nothing he could do now though!! I honestly didnt care. I got closure finding out he didn’t know. I dont care he ‘can’t’ (actually wont) do anything, not even reassure me it wasnt my fault, but i dont really feel i need that from him. His ignorance is enough for me.

    My son, late teens, has been well and truely sucked in by mums lies.
    She told all my kids i dont have health issues, despite all witnessing first hand. Even when booked for an operation she said it was lies. My son was angry then but she got her claws in. She pays him to live at her house! She tells him my current health is a lie, yet records prove i need another operation.

    She tried playing the same game with my youngest 2 children. However, i wont allow her contact after all this. I need to protect them. There was an incident in school on my youngest. That was when i decided to home educate. I can educate them knowing they will be kept safe.

    I have completely cut my family off, siblings too as they will be used to cause me more harm. My friends heard stories from her, luckily they know me better than that, plus they know what she is like.

    I found out only a couple of weeks ago, she witnessed an assault on her own sister during their childhood. She done nothing to defend her either. Even when my Aunt had the courage to stand up to her perpertrator, my mum said my Auntie had lied!!!!

    She failed her sister, she failed me her own daughter, she will NOT have a chance to fail the rest of her grandchildren, although my son will be next.

    When i walked away i felt nothing but relief.
    I have wondered whether i would regret this if anything happened to them, although right now i wouldnt care as I am just trying to find myself and see the world differently. Hopefully i will care even less when my journey is a great success and know i survived.

    I am lost of sorts at the moment. Over the last 2 weeks I have found I have replaced all previous negativity from them by doing it myself, to myself. I dont want to be that kind of person and worry i could be if i dont start moving forward soon. I just need new purpose and a vague idea where i am heading.

    I have a wonderful new partner, known each other majority of my life. He has been an amazing support and will do anything to help me. Unfortunately i dont have answers just yet. He has mentioned marriage but i can’t give that commitment yet as I have 2 successful divorces behind me, i say successful as the marriages did ‘fail’ i chose to walk awaw from 2 very violent abusive men and file for divorce, 10 years i suffered in marriage 1. Marriage 2 ended after just 3 months which was the first day the violence started. So i know my thought processess are changing slowly. However, I do have wonderful children to be grateful for. So 3rd time lucky isnt an option at the moment as i am not in the right place yet.

    I also know I have to try and obtain closure on all of the past. It has been a long process, and relived after memory started to improve after strokes, it was like it was happening all over again. Letting go is hard. Trusting is extremely difficult. I need to learn how to and to find my new, happier, more loving ‘normal’.

  95. I just want to say first of all that I’m not asking for pity or anything from anyone. I guess I just need to get this off of my chest, as it has been a very extremely negative influence in my life. I have read all of the testimonies of the people above me and it truly breaks my heart , as I know and feel their pain and can relate to it. It doesn’t matter who molested you as a child, whether it is a relative, or a friend of the family, it never goes away. My natural daddy molested me when I was 9 yrs old. I will never forget it, no matter what I try to say or do, it still comes back to haunt me. That stupid, crazy, drunk son of a bitch made me suck his dick, then he put his fingers in me, then he went down on me. The sorry bastard died in 2003, and he left his will….his will stated that he had no living children, even though he had 3 living children! I am a good person, with a lot of good qualities, live in a very nice house and married to a wonderful man. There by the grace of God go I.

  96. I finally built up the courage to tell my parents what my sibling did to me between the ages of 10 and 13. I thought I was going to pass out, stop breathing and vomit during the whole process of telling them. The response- nothing. It has been two weeks now and I have not been asked how i am. I have had zero feedback. They have still organised xmas with him. I stopped spending special event days with the family over three years ago as I could no longer play fake happy families whilst sitting around a table with my sexually and physically abusive brother. Not once have they asked why. I find it interesting that the responses from my husband when I finally told him, my best friend of 30 years and a friend of 5 years were along the lines of “it all makes sense now” and ” that explains so much”, yet my parents just asked if I was still coming for lunch Boxing Day. I feel their ignorance condones his actions and invalidates my feelings and the path my life has taken. Almost feel like they deserve each other. This Christmas will be 3 Christmases since my mother has asked me how I am. I thought she didn’t ask because she didn’t want to hear the answer. It seems it doesn’t matter either way. Sadly I’ve always had this gut feeling that she knew what he was doing. I know that she will chose to ignore everything because it is easier for her to do so. Reading these other stories actually made me feel that I am not alone. I get the hurt and frustration others feel. I am now trying to turn my life around. I have the most amazing husband and two brilliant children. I guess the the most positive thing I can say is that I learnt how not to be a mother from mine and I can see from my children that it is possible for siblings to have a normal non abusive relationship.

  97. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive to me all my life. He treated my mom terribly, also. I only have “shadows” (for lack of a better word) of sexual abuse occurring. It wasn’t nearly as bad as all of your stories, and I’m sure there was no actual intercourse. I was much, much older when I brought it up to my mother. Her reaction: “Not in this house it didn’t”. End of story. I’m now 64, and still have “tapes” of his abuse, mostly verbal and emotional, running through my head. My sister escaped all of this, and tells me to “get over it”. I’ve been divorced twice, and was very promiscuous in my early 20’s. I now live with my 88 year-old mom, and love it. I don’t talk about my father. I also didn’t cry at his funeral.

  98. I had previously never told my mom the way my stepfather made me feel increasingly uncomfortable in my own house. I was not too fond of him, but wasn’t sure why. My mother just kept trying to get is to get along and claimed that I did not accept him and that we had to work to like each other. I noticed the little things he did like turn his head and smile at me every time I walked passed his room in my towel after every shower, Or the way he looked me up and down when we’d walk by. But I assumed I was just too analytical and read too much into things- or at least that’s what I was always told. I began to just change in the bathroom after showers and ignore the looks. He is overall an OK guy other than that. But it was the moment I decided to get up from the toilet and look through the keyhole of the door after hearing him get up from his chair and walk by the door. Every time my mother wasn’t home, and I would go in the bathroom, he would get up from his room and walk by, but the footsteps would always halt by the door briefly, then continue. This last time however, I looked, and at first I wasn’t sure of what I saw, but eventually it was apparent that it was indeed his eye. And my heart sank. I said his name softly and it disappeared, and he walked quickly to the other room. That SAME DAY I told my mom, she confronted him (though I did not really want that), had him talk to me ALONE, then that was it. Never really discussed again. I sometimes try and bring up how I’m hurt that she did not seem to show much care and her response was always “what do you want me to do” then she goes and talks to him about it, as if he has any advice. I’m not sure, what do I want? What should I want? I don’t want my 3 year old brother and sister on the way to be separated from their father. But I don’t want it to happen to them when I could have prevented it. I’m 18 and will be off to college in August. I’ve accepted my mother does not care but am ultimate torn.

  99. I need a group like this but can find nothing similar in UK. Am I ok to join and tell my story? I am suffering badly at the mo’….

  100. I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend when I was 11-12, I’d wake up with him in my room standing over me, and I’d be so frightened and shocked that I’d just turn over and pretend it wasn’t happening. I finally summoned the courage to tell my mother, and my brother (my eldest brother died the night of my 19th birthday) and my mother doesn’t believe me. She has said I’m making it up, and her boyfriend says he was “just looking for the phone.” But I was there and I know what was going on. To this day I cannot sleep with the lights off, and I have to be facing the door, and the door can not be shut, or I go into extreme panic mode. My mother blames me for acting out as a child, and tells me that I was rotten. Half of the time she tells me how I’m so great, and the other half that I’m this rotten bitch who no one likes, and that I have no friends. She blames me for ruining her happiness, and constantly guilts me for not being appreciative of everything she’s ever done for me. My sadness and depression has been pushed aside because of her numerous health ailments. I still try to help as much as I can but when I need support on this, she just “can’t” hear it, and thinks I am mentally ill. I am ill, but I am not dillusional. She is bi-polar and just cannot handle anything. She threatens suicide when I’ve brought it up. He says he’ll take a lie detector test and that’s enough evidence for her that I must be making it up. She’s still with him, and he cheats to her and lies to her, but helps pay the bills (she can’t support herself on her own)…. So I kept this to myself till I was 28 years old. The loss of my eldest brother, I never got to grieve, it was about her. I never have been able to work through everything that has happened, everything being about her. She thinks I’ve used this information to get pity from people. I’ve told a few boyfriends I’ve had, because it’s been the only outlet I’ve had. The fights just keep on happening and I just keep on feeling this guilt like she’s going to commit suicide because of me. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’ve tried getting therapy and they’ve said I’m fine, although I have frequent meltdowns and panic attacks and need anti depressants just to function.

  101. SueUK,

    You’re very welcome here. I’m sorry you’re suffering so much now.


  102. My parents thought educating me about sex was best accomplished by exposing themselves. I think things would have been fine if they had just allowed questions and discussions to happen naturally, when I indicated I was ready. I think things would have been fine if the matter hadn’t been forced, when I clearly didn’t understand what they were trying to accomplish. My mother was especially forceful about showing things, and then slapped my hands repeatedly when I was naturally curious.

    I was six years old. I would have thought that I was alone with this experience, until I made the mistake of teasing two of my sisters by flashing them when I was older, even though a voice in the back of my head screamed, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?” Part of me hoped that I would have gotten in trouble right then and there, but no, they simply revealed that our parents did the same sort of “education” with them.

    To make matters worse, my parents grew more and more silent the older I got, and the more I was able to understand. An awkward example of this was when my mother shoved an newspaper article about condoms into my hands. I was in my twenties. I asked her if she assumed that I was sexually active– at the time, I wasn’t. No, she said, this was again about education.

    I am 41 now and have a 13-year old daughter and an 8-year old son, with autism. My wife and I firmly resolved not to repeat the mistakes our parents did. (She was molested by a boarder staying at her house when she was 10.) It’s more challenging teaching our son, but we think we’re doing fairly well by our daughter.

  103. Unless you experience it for yourself words cannot express how much it hurts when a parent dismisses what you tell them. I was in my thirties yet been told by my mother to leave it under the carpet hurt as much as childhood abuse I endured from the age of 6 to 17. I thought I had to protect her as a child, they wanted her not me yet when I needed her she rejected me and once again it was supposed to be my dirty little secret. I know her reaction was linked to guilt but I needed her just to listen, to tell me she believed me, that’s all. was it really too much to ask.

  104. I have a story that’s a little different.
    My step dad did things to my best friend and I for years. I didn’t know he got her too. I remember pulling her away grom him for years. It broke my heart and I blamed myself when i found out 3 years ago. I still do. I’m 28 now. This all happen from 6 and up. Stopped when I became a preteen because I was old enough to know what was going on and stop it. When I was younger deep down i knew something was wrong with it, but I wasn’t sure why. Till my mom gave lectures on to tell when someone does stuff like that. I never did. Then I pushed it out of my mind for many years. Till I became pregnant with my son and I decided to watch Oprah who was airing stuff about sexual abuse and she mentioned what he would do was still sexual abuse and I bawled. I never wanted to tell more than I did then. I didn’t tell I had my second child and my husband at the time told me to or he would. So I did.

    Part of the reason I never told was because I really believed my mother would kill him. Then I’d lose her.
    But she didn’t.
    It almost felt like she didn’t believe me. Now my little sister seem like she did. Even her bestfriend came forward then toom it back.
    Fast forward to when my bestfriend told me the truth. Bestfriend from the age of 6 told me when i was 25. I broke down and immediately drove to my mothers and ran in the door bawling and screaming, “He got her too!!”
    You know what my mother said?
    “He really did do it didn’t he?” Did you not believe me when i told you 6 years ago?!
    It broke my heart more that he got her more than getting me. I can’t take that pain that I know she’s feeling. I TRIED. I’ve tried so hard and she’s now drifted from me. 20 year friendship down the drain because of some mans selfish, gross behavior. I see why. It’s linked to me. I can tell she blamed my mom even though she didn’t know. I think it bugged her they still had contact. You know what? She’s right now. It breaks my heart that they treat him no different. I miss her everday! Not a day goes by that i don’tthink about how she feels about all this.

    My little sister now has a kid. I didn’t start to see how she really felt till she was pregnant. You can tell she wanted her dad involved. There were even fights and at one point she said in her own way to just get over it. My mom supported her feelings.
    This man gets to be happy grandpa now. Where’s the justice in that?
    I lose my bestfriend and nothing changes for you all?
    My mom says stuff like, “you should have told me then so i could have done something”
    Show me you care and that you believe me. Both of you. Don’t reward him.
    But I’m suppose to just take it. I have a feeling I’ll miss my own sisters wedding because he will be there.
    Why am I the one who’s punished? I wish they knew how I felt. I wish I could take it back and never tell. Then it be easier to pretend.
    I don’t know what’s worse… not believing me at all or believing me and still having contact with him.
    I dream about it at least 3 times a week. Where I’m actually mad at my mom and sister. He’s there too and i confront him and he just gets a mad and tries to over power me. I usually end up really hurting him. I’m mad at my family for not doing anything though.
    I also dream about my bestfriend. Telling her I’m so sorry that it happen and we are now here.
    When I was little the dream was different. I’d be at his funeral and people would be crying and I’d ask them why they were crying because he was a bad man.

    I want to scream choose me! Please choose me! I didn’t do it. He did. Choose me!

  105. I really needed to read this even though it was painful. I was told and am still being told by some family members to just get over it. Some of my siblings do treat my dad – perpetrator better than they treat me. My dad still sends me letters that contain sexual content. It seems to never end. I am still trying to heal after all these years.

  106. the untangling of my nightmare has been long and tiring . I gave up trying to change the system, stepped out of it and went on with my life . I worked to overcome all the bad programming with lots of things . Classes , books, counsellors, groups , volunteering and talking about it , no matter if anyone understood or cared. Countless victims thanked me for bringing it up , so they could find courage to talk about what happened to them. It seems to be rampant in America .
    You didn’t deserve it , the perpetrators were sick and probably programmed by abuse themselves, doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck being abused further . Make a new life for yourself. Find a group and join them . Get a posterboard and make a dream wall , Fill it with a future you desire. Mine has a business, some books , some parties , some vacations . Be thankful you can make new family .
    They don’t ever understand your pain, sorrow or loss when they are still hiding their own abuse. It won’t happen until they get in touch with their own pain. May never happen. Move on. I like to keep pushing through to find answers and resolve stuck places in my healing . I find websites like this one and share them with others . I don’t expect to put it behind me , AND STOP DWELLING ON THE PAST, as many churches and family members would like to inflict on me, until I have resolved it in my heart . Wholeness is the goal, not making anyone love me, God loves me and that is more than enough. He can bring anyone he wants into my life at any time of my healing journey. Life is about my heart and faith and love for my fellow man. I am not subjecting my inner child to be further abused by them , when my body is sick and breaking my emotions into fragments because of trauma unhealed. That is not love for them or myself. Counsel yourself as if you were counselling a small child . Treat yourself with respect and love and compassion . Protect yourself from abusers and allow painful memories to surface and keep a journal so you can heal. Ask God to help you heal. Ask him to bring people to help you that are safe.

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