How Do I Disclose My Abuse?
Aug 19th, 2010 | By Christina Enevoldsen | Category: All Posts, Articles
by Christina Enevoldsen
I talk about my childhood sexual abuse very publicly now, but I didn’t start there. The first time I ever told anyone I’d been abused it didn’t go very well. For years, I’d repressed most of my childhood memories when suddenly, in my early twenties, I knew I’d been abused. The knowledge came in a flash. I didn’t have any specific recall, know who my abuser was or feel any pain, but I was sure I’d been sexually abused.
I thought my parents would want to know, so the first chance I got, I visited them. When I walked in their house, my mom stood in the kitchen. We made small talk for a few minutes, but I couldn’t wait to tell her the reason for my visit, so I blurted out, “I was sexually abused.” I heard a booming voice from the other room where my dad was watching television, “NO, YOU WEREN’T!!!” My mother responded without interest, as though I never said a word.
Years later, when the memories flooded back and I realized that my dad was my abuser while my mom looked the other way, their responses made so much sense. I didn’t know it then, but now I know that telling my parents wasn’t the best place to begin disclosing my abuse.
Breaking the silence of abuse is a vital step toward healing. The secrets you hold actually hold you, keeping you captive to the abuser’s power. Telling is a way to break free from the bond the secret created between you and your abuser.
The way you take the first few steps in disclosure can influence whether you advance or withdraw in your healing. Telling a safe person who validates you makes it easier to go on to the next part of the process. When you disclose your abuse to someone who is compassionate, understanding, and accepting, it’s a relief to know you’re no longer alone. However, sharing emotionally vulnerable moments with someone who is unsupportive may cause you to feel even more isolated and can hinder your progress.
Though many survivors of abuse assume that their family will believe them and comfort them, that isn’t always true. In fact, it’s very common for families to reject rather than support the survivor. Sometimes parents reject the possibility that their child was abused because to accept the truth is too painful. Sometimes the disclosure brings up pain from their own abuse. They might also feel personally threatened. They may view it as an accusation that they aren’t good parents for failing to protect you.
Many victims of sexual abuse are abused by family members. In that case, other family members may have divided loyalties. If the daughter was abused by Grandpa, parents have to choose one family member over another. Many family members are unwilling to do that, especially if they have their own unmet needs from the relationship with the abuser.
If you are a survivor of incest, there’s an excellent chance that you’re not the only victim in your family and your abuser isn’t the only perpetrator. In incest families the family system has a culture that protects itself by keeping the secret. That system’s survival depends on the secret being kept. They will sacrifice one member for the sake of the system. In most cases, the survivor who is willing to talk about the abuse is the healthiest person in the family. The survivor is the one who recognizes the truth the earliest and seek change and healing, while the others see survival by maintaining the status quo. That is a threat to the family unit and the person who wants change is often viewed as the enemy. Because of personal defenses, your family isn’t always likely to be the best source of support and understanding.
The best chance to receive a supportive response is to begin by telling a friend who’s trustworthy and comfortable with emotions. Choose a friend you feel safe with and who doesn’t know your abuser—someone who doesn’t have anything to lose in believing you.
A few years after telling my parents, I was validated by a group of women who openly discussed their own abuse. I learned from them that talking about abuse is nothing to be ashamed about. I was accepted and believed and I felt like I belonged. With their support, I had a firm foundation and I started to see that healing was possible.
I had mostly good experiences for many years. Occasionally, someone would get a blank stare and put up a defensive wall and I knew they didn’t want to hear anymore. That was okay. By then, I was well on my way to healing and I understood that people have their own issues and their own needs may not allow them to hear me. I didn’t take it personally anymore.
My next stage in disclosure was speaking to a group of about forty people, many of whom knew my father. I wasn’t sure what their reaction would be, but I felt ready to share it, no matter their response. I had enough of a support system, within myself and with others, so I was secure and didn’t need anything from them. I just wanted the opportunity to share the truth. They were overwhelmingly supportive.
I was validated by the group, but when I went home that night I heard a little girl’s voice in my head saying, “You told,” in an accusing tone. I recognized that the little girl was the little girl inside of me. She was the one who was warned not to tell. She was the one who was afraid and felt threatened. But as my adult self, I wasn’t under my father’s power anymore and he couldn’t do anything to hurt me. So I comforted myself with that and validated my progress—and continued to tell.
After that, I published the story of my abuse history online. I wanted it to be public. I wanted the whole world to see it. I wasn’t afraid of my dad finding out. I wanted my parents to read what I wrote. I wanted them to know I was talking about it. I felt empowered and strong.
My last step was talking on the radio. It felt natural and comfortable to talk about it. It was an affirming step and I felt good. But the next day, I was exhausted and felt defeated. In hearing myself speak about it, I accepted and understood my abuse in a different way, which helped me to tap into new levels of grief I hadn’t touched before. It felt bad, but it was part of the process and I was happy to be taking another step.
Even if you’ve been telling for years, you may experience new feelings as you take different steps. Take time to evaluate how you feel after each new step. Those feelings need to be validated and expressed. Emotions are good, even if they’re painful. Just as in all parts of the healing process, it’s important to take small steps and proceed at your own rate.
Part of telling is choosing who you tell and don’t tell. You don’t have any control over how people will react, but you do have control over who you share it with. You don’t have to publish a book or post it online. Talking about your abuse to someone is important, but you don’t have to tell everyone and you aren’t a failure or a coward if you choose not to.
Talking about your abuse is important, but how you disclose it can make the difference in how beneficial it is. These are some things to remember to increase the chances that your disclosure will be well-received:
1. Start with someone who is emotionally available and who doesn’t know your abuser.
2. Start small and privately.
3. Evaluate your emotions and practice self care after each new step in disclosure.
4. Take time to validate yourself after you disclose.
5. If you want to make your abuse experience known to more people or disclose to your family, establish a base of support with trusted others first.
No matter how anyone responds, what happened to you was serious and you deserve to be treated well. Don’t allow anyone to keep you from doing what’s best for you. You may not get the validation you need from everyone, but you can validate yourself.
PLEASE NOTE that there are situations where your safety would be put in jeopardy if you speak of your abuse publicly. Ritual abuse is one example of that. Please use extreme caution if your disclosure would put you in danger.
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Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.
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wow, christina, between you n darlene my mind is spinning abit.
your words on who u trust to tell is a big issue, yeah i have done alot of work on the blame n shame side of things and speak freely about those experiences n how they affected me then n now, but this mental understandin is now pushin me towards that core that i have skirted for years because it family behind the door stuff. not stuff done by those outside the family and not by ny walls tha have become my prison, but wot made my walls, wot actions put what breaks in what wall. i have been able to put skylights n knock a few bricks lose but never enough in one place to make any sense of the true reasons i react the wayi do/ did. i am changin n gettin mentally stronger, i hope it will serve me well in this last few barriers that need breakin
Wow, girl. That was an excellent teaching and I am saying teaching because it was with authority and empowerment. I couldn’t agree more with what you say and believe it to be a needed subject. I’m trying to remember who was the first person I told, and I can’t remember, but I do know, that there were different stages to telling others for me. i used to be very general….. I was abused. Then I started to say… I was sexually abused. As time went on, and I got stronger, then I was able to say……. i was sexually abused by so and so. And as I grew stronger and more empowered, I now say…… I was sexually abused by so and so and he did this to me.
Thanks for sharing such a powerful message.
Patty.
Carol,
I’m glad the article was helpful to you. The family issues are usually the most difficult to deal with. Once we deal with those, the rest is relatively easy. I’m happy to see how much progress you’re making and how much truth you’re willing to acknowledge in such a short time. I’m planning another blog soon that covers the next step: “What If My Family Rejects Me?” That will be really good, too! Thanks for all your encouragment, Carol!
Hugs, Christina
Patty,
That’s a good point about telling in stages–that we only have to tell as much as we choose. Hey, did you know that you were part of the group of people I was referring to in the article? You were one of the first ones to ever give me support all those years ago. Look at us now!!
Love always, Christina
Thank you for writing this out so clearly .. it is true we must be careful to whom we confine in. I have learned just as you have stated that there are many who can not be there for you .. maybe it is due to their own personal struggle or maybe they just don’t want to deal with it at all or get involved, however not everybody is going to be that way.
Though I will admit not having the person or persons that you think you should be able to go to not be there for you is traumatic .. that in of itself is like going through a death because in my own experience the way I viewed that individual was also changed thus the person whom I thought they were cease to exist. I am not saying that i hold it against them just that the relationship changed ..
This article so cuts to the chase. The way it addresses the invalidation, secrecy and nasty family dynamics that go on in the incestuous family. Being shut out from “the family” has been the most disappointing yet empowering thing that has ever happened in my life, yet in reality it is the way it’s always been.. Kudos to us survivors, we have to be among some of the strongest people on this earth!
Nikki,
I agree that rejection when we disclose can be traumatic. As children, we were forced to carry the secret alone and more isolation when we finally get the courage to tell can be very painful. And you’re right– it does require a change in the relationship. The other person is no longer comfortable knowing and accepting every part of us. In my life, that means that I have to be careful and guard my words– which reminds me so much of what I did to keep the secret all those years.
Hugs, Christina
Sam,
I can really relate to your statement, “Being shut out from “the family” has been the most disappointing yet empowering thing that has ever happened in my life,” That’s been my experience as well. Their strong reaction woke me up and required that I either stay in that system with the lies or break free and live my own truth. It’s been so liberating!
Hugs, Christina
Christine – thank you for such a wonderful article. This is very helpful to me as I continue to learn to share the story. Over the years I’d attempted to share what I had experienced; I’d dropped hints that I wanted to talk only to be brushed aside from family and friends to the professionals. Of course I don’t know why my experiences weren’t validated – today I assume it was because they didn’t know how to help me with this.
It’s only been in the last 15 years or so that I came to realize then that what I’d experienced was not “normal” as these issues became more publicized in media and the subject started to be less of a dirty little secret. I told the majority of my story for the first time in a sexual assault support group – and as the story started to unfold, for the first time outside of my head, I began to see just how subtle the grooming was and just how not normal these experiences were. The other thing that happened is I started remembering more incidents – and being able to face the pain and grieve the past.
Telling the story helped me to begin to let go of the shame and the blame.
Thanks again – what you are doing here is so vital and so helpful to others who have “been there and done that”.
The problem w/ telling mine is that a defense attorney invalidated it to the point where a judge was forced to agree and let the defendants go free. Since then, I’ve never wanted to talk about it in detail again.
I don’t feel like I should have had to prove anything, but going through the trial in what looked like a kangaroo court-to me, anyway-changed the desire to tell anyone else any particulars. Especially since, when every particular I told was cross-examined and re-cross examined, as per their rights as defendants. O_o
And now they’re doing the same thing to a friend’s daughter, who’s 11 years old. And this guy is a real tool. He broke into their house and trashed the daughter’s bedroom but, b/c they can’t prove he actually did it-no witnesses-they can do practically nothing about it.
Whatever happened to motive? He’s the only damn person w/ a reason to do that a day after he’s released on his own recognizance-whatever the hell THAT means.
I thought the laws would have changed at least a little since it happened to me, but this is the same old stuff.
I think the defense attorney should have to go to prison WITH the accused whenever you can prove they were defending a person knowing full well he was already guilty.
See how many of them would still fall all over themselves to prove the innocence of a guilty person.
Vicki,
I’m so sorry that the truth was invalidated in court. But the truth is the truth, no matter who rejects it. I hope you can affirm the truth within yourself enough to speak about it again.
Hugs, Christina
Hi Chris
After many years of keeping this secret of abuse within me, I wrote about it to a therapist, the thing is theres alot more than what i wrote on that paper, I’m finding myself constantly thinking about it, the numorous times it happened and all the diffrent abusers, the fact that it lasted for so many years. I find myself wanting to block all those memories the pain. I know that I remember everything that happened but i choose not to remember. I trust this therapist but i just cant open up on paper let alone speaking about it. I just cant. its affected my life and contiunes to affect my life in everyway..What do I do??
Sandra,
Keeping the secret was necessary for survival and it’s hard to let go of that. Even when we recognize the truth to ourselves, it takes time to let it sink in. When I’d get a new memory, I’d accept it and then a day or two later think, “It COULDN’T be” I’d give myself a break from the reality by spending a few minutes in denail. I was still keeping the secret from myself. But after some time, I’d finally accept it as the truth.
I think it’s a similar process to telling others. Taking it a little at a time–not telling everything and just testing to see how that feels. Baby steps. One of my memories was too disgusting to tell anyone for a long time. It haunted me, but I couldn’t tell anyone either. I started out by just saying I’m keeping something to myself that I’m not ready to talk about. I imagined myself talking about and got used to it that way. And eventually I told two people and it wasn’t so bad. Then I was able to open up a little more. It’s all just a little at a time and being gentle. We didn’t have a choice about what happened to us, but we do have a choice how and when we talk about it.
Christina
When a friend “liked” the OSA page on FB, I checked it out too, and “liked” it too. I wrote some comments on it, not realizing they were going to show up on friends’ pages. Whoops! So I outed myself without meaning to, but it’s been good–the ones who have stayed my friends now know why I’m a little off, and perhaps they’ve learned something about the ongoing consequences of child sexual abuse–that they don’t end when you turn 18.
i am trying hard 2 break my silence but have 2 b aware of my own safety as i was ritually abused within a strong masonic paedophile ring which is still active ……. my abusers maintain a strong presence around me locally and i am under constant threat of death from disclosure ….. i go under this name which has allowed me 2 speak out 2 some extent ………. i am fearful but i will not be completely silenced ………
MZC–I’m glad your unintentional “outing” yourself turned out to be a good thing!
Rosie–Good for you for protecting yourself and for finding creative ways of raising your voice anyway!
I don’t really know what it’s like to keep it secret, not the rape anyway. I was too afraid I might have some terrible disease-it happened in 1985, when the AIDS scare was brand new w/ no cure for the disease. Back then I had to wait 9 months to find out if I had a disease that would kill me. They didn’t have any tests for it like they do now, and I had to sit there waiting to find out if I had AIDS.
It was the worst 9 months of my life.
The Victim Advocate-something else that was brand new in 1985-said that about the truth too.
I’ve always wondered why everyone else is confident about it, but I’m not, even though I was there and should know better than anyone that it’s the truth.
Their attorney tried to make it sound like, b/c I was living in an Orphanage when it happened, that there was doubt as to whether I wanted to have sex w/ them-even though I DIDN’T want to and said so.
He tried to use my background almost as if he was trying to say orphans can’t be raped b/c they’re sluts or prostitutes.
They aren’t allowed to use that as a defense anymore, but they could and did in the beginning of 1986.
Christina, I am BLOWN AWAY by how your story could easily be my own. With the exception that my father died 5 years before I remembered. But my mother didn’t believe me and I was shunned by my whole family. I started a blog recently, as my “coming out” party. If you start with the first entry from new years eve 2010, it sort of tells my story. Maybe you could have a look and share your thoughts with me? Your site and others like it have given me strength. God bless you and thank you for what you do!
Oops, I thought the link to my blog would show up in my message- here it is: http://youmeantheskyisntblue.blogspot.com/
thanks, Gabrielle
Thank you so much for the work you and and for being so brave and courageous with your own experiences as well as supporting the rest of us out there on our long, arduous journey towards healing.
I was repeatedly abused as a minor by my middle school “boyfriend” and have struggled for years (happened when i was 13, I am now 28) with understanding what happened, not blaming myself, and most of all dealing with the humiliation that still follows me around. During the abuse, my abuser told everyone about what had happened except grossly exagerated some details, made it look as though i was an eager and willing participant instead of a child and was the catalyst for what amount to a public shaming that I have still not dealt with properly. Some of the stories were so gross and hurtful to my sense of self worth (and SO sensational when you’re in gossipy middle school) that I have never been able to even disclose them, yet live with the knowledge that others have completely out of context knowledge of some of the humiliations I endured, causing me an extreme amount of social anxiety whenever I visit my hometown.
I have tried to deal with the pain, the shame and all the residual effects through some counseling and even by going into sexual assault counseling myself as a career (for a while), yet it’s been very tough to deal with emotional flare ups and triggers. I have never been able to tell my family, as I just can’t bear the pain and suffering it will cause them, but my fear of further trauma/humiliation is now getting in the way of my hopes and dreams. I am a musician, but fear any recognition for my art lest my story become public and I am faced to deal with more humiliation. Nobody in my town knew that all the hurtful and gross sexual rumors they heard about me were a result of abuse and somehow, as is common with girls, I was painted as some dirty, promiscuous girl despite having no prior knowledge of sex and being a child when it happened. I have spent years trying to recreate a “first time” with new partners as mine was taken and have no idea how to claim and own up to some of the most disgusting incidents that went on. I spent so long trying to make excuses that I sometimes doubt if anyone would believe me anyway but I need to find way to fight the hold this has had over me for so long. I’ve made progress, I’ll say. I am now able to utter the words “i was raped/i was abused” which took me YEARS to even be able to say out loud due to the power those words hold. I have confided in a handful of ppl and find that the longer i’ve known someone, the harder it is for me to tell them what i endured (as their response somehow means much more, as one reader noted). I think it may be time for me to join a women’s group so I feel less alone and more supported. I wonder though, if you have any suggestions or resources for dealing with public shaming/humiliation that often goes on after abuse. That has been, by far, the hardest area for me to find any peace of mind and healing.
Vicki,
That’s horrible to be treated that way! I’m glad things have changed in some ways, but there are still so many things that still need to be changed.
Christina
Gabrielle,
Thanks for sharing your blog. I’ll check it out. Writing has been so instrumental in my healing. I look forward to reading what you’ve written.
Christina
Anon,
I’m sorry for all you’ve been through and all the pain it’s caused you. The abuse is bad enough without it continuing through the lies told about us. I’ve experienced that too and I know how painful it is. As for dealing with the public shaming, I’m not sure it’s any different from the way to deal with any other type of shaming. It’s still requires getting to the source of our own belief in the shame– confronting it as a lie and validating ourselves. That’s what my process has been all about. I don’t always get the responses from others that I want/need, but I can always validate myself. It’s taken me a long time to be able to really be there for myself inspite of the betrayal of others, but all the baby steps have been powerful.
Hugs, Christina
I know I haven’t read all the way through, but I really need advice on what happened when I told the only person I CAN tell about what happened to me.
I told him I was raped by two guys at the same time. I was thinking he’d be angry at them, maybe even disgusted. That wasn’t his response. His reaction was as follows:
He wanted to know their first and last names and where they lived when it happened.
This isn’t just a blustering person. He has lots of money and he knows how to find people w/ just their names and the name of a city they previously lived in.
My first reaction was that I wanted to tell him, but then I DIDN’T want to-but not for the right reason. I just don’t want him to go to jail if he avenges what happened. Also, I’d feel like it was my fault if I gave him all the information and he used it, like I KNOW he will.
Since I didn’t expect that reaction from him, I didn’t know what to do. Fortunately, I convinced him not to go find them-but he’s only promised that he won’t find them “for now.”
So I’d like to know. What would other people do in this situation? I mean how do I convince him to not do it?
I can’t believe I’m even asking, but I don’t want him to get in trouble either.
Vicki,
I’m sorry you didn’t get the kind of support you expected or needed. It sounds like his needs are conflicting with your needs. He seems to need to “do” something and you needed someone to empathize and listen without “doing” something.
It’s not your responsibility to convince him. That conflicts with his boundaries. How he thinks and what he thinks are his business. What is within your boundaries is to explain how that would only cause you more pain than you’re already in if he went through with his plans. If he doesn’t listen, then you are empowered in this since you have the names and he doesn’t. It’s your choice not to give him the names and his attempts to get the names from you when you’ve expressed your fear is a violation of your boundaries. If he keeps pressing you, he’s putting his needs above yours.
Thank you. He hasn’t really asked for the names. Not since this morning. I wouldn’t be able to tell him it would hurt me though, unfortunately, I just don’t want him to get in trouble over them.
That’s probably the wrong reason to not want him to do anything, I don’t really care if someone WANTS to hurt them-and I guess I SHOULD care, but I don’t-I’m only concerned that he’ll get in trouble for it.
I think he was angry about it. He said he was angry. But he hasn’t asked for the names again.
We’ve been doing other things, like discussing this book I’m reading that’s about a gorgeous black cat that helps a family through a terrible loss.
There’s one thing I forgot to mention the first time I read this. The first person I told about being molested, someone I thought was a friend for over a year, blabbed my story to the whole 6th grade. After that, I lost any possibility of making any more friends at that school and, for two more years, was forced to endure people making fun of me and disliking me just b/c SHE told them all what I told HER.
And her mom did the same w/ the adult portion of the small town I lived in. To this day, I hate living in small towns. If that’s how they’re going to act, I never want to see another small town as long as I live.
Christina Dear,
I found this blog 3 days ago, & with every new article I read, I feel more and more reassured that I can get past the sharp physical & emotional pain stemming from a drunken, abusive stepfather and a hypocritical mother who ignored my pleas to keep me safely away from him. After years of sticking my toe in the water by thinking surely others had it worse, these posts have helped me dive in headfirst and know that my pain is warranted and that the people who were supposed to protect me did God-awful things to me instead. I used to beg my stepfather to punch me in the face so I could call the police with proof I was being hurt.
No one heard my cries, and those who did obviously didn’t think it was their business to interfere. I was used to having no voice, no power, and I was taught that my instincts were completely backwards.
Ur words are like a safe, warm blanket. I feel I will heal & I am so grateful to have found u all! Xo rachel
Hi Rachel,
Welcome to Overcoming Sexual Abuse! I’m so glad you found us and that you’re finding hope and encouragement. Have you checked us out on Facebook yet? It’s another excellent source of daily support.
Thank you so much for you comment. Your words are very encouraging to me!
Hugs, Christina
Hi I am going through Psychotherapy which is very hard, I have told my husband most things,but I hid everything for a long time,I shut it away and got on with my life the best I could,my sister told 10 yrs ago and also I being diagnosed with Bipolar 1 & 2 , having fits and also total memory loss during stressful times, I still tried to shut it away, it is not that easy now and have found myself looking for others to share my abuse with that have gone through it tooits still not easy to find this the UK seem to find it a disease to avoid talking about,im glad ou have found a way through this Christina xxx
Hi Sara,
I’m glad you’re willing to open up about your abuse. I know it’s not always easy to find people who are willing to listen in an understanding way, but you deserve to have the support you never had. I hope you keep trying because there are people who will understand.
Christina
P.S. Have you checked out our facebook page? It’s full of supportive people who understand since we’ve all been there.
OMG your story is really what i needed to hear! I was abused by my stepdad and when I told my mother she hated me!! All I ever wanted was for her to love me! Ill share more when i can.I just heard last year that it was thought to be an affair!!!!! GOD knows my heart and how I fought for it all to stop!!! It was not an affair!!!but i think my mom says that so its OK for her to stay with him!! GOD help me but I hate him I feel he took my mom from me with alot of other things Ill pray for you and plz pray for me !!! will this ever be over?
Leigh,
That’s so painful to be betrayed by both parents! I’m so sorry you were treated like that. I can relate to being angry with HIM because he took your mom away. That’s the way I felt too. I thought if my dad admitted to abusing me, my mom would suddenly love me. But I was just making excuses for her because I wanted her love so much. The truth is that she was protecting herself from the awful truth and it wouldn’t have mattered if he confessed. I was the enemy, not him, since I was expendable.
I hope you see that her reaction to you (really, both of their treatment of you) has nothing to do with your value. You were rejected by her because of HER, not because you aren’t worthy of her love and support. It doesn’t have anything to do with a deficiency in you; it’s due to a deficiency in her.
This is a painful process, but it gets better. Keep going! I’ll say a prayer for you.
Hugs, Christina
Christina I hope you understood what I ment when I said It was what I needed to hear! I’m sorry for what you went thru and was thankful for someone who knew how i felt!Thank you for your kind words!!Thank you for stepping up and giving woman like us a way to exspress our feelings.
This is coming at the right time for me. Thank you, you are a blessing. Your messages are clear, well thought out and needed. I, too, am “waking up” and am in need of gentle guidance and support. Have looked for it and not been too successful over the years. Your page is helping me to “mother” myself so that I can proceed with my healing. Without your voice (and a few others here on the web) I would still be lost.
Leigh,
Yes, I completely understand what you meant by it was what you needed to hear. I’m so glad you read it at the right time and that it was helpful.
Christina
Deirdre,
I’m so glad you’re blessed by what you’ve read here and that’ you’re learning how to mother yourself. It’s so encouraging to hear that what we do is helpful. Thank you so much for letting me know.
Christina
Christina
I can feel how Your family hinder You from healing process ……. they are doing the same here …… becoz they want me still under the power of being abused an not to be free …….. it hurts me alot
Martha, it is so hurtful that family would do that. I found it so hard to believe MY family would hurt and betray me. I’d concocted such a fantasy about who they were that it was a shock to see the truth.
My family doesn’t hinder me anymore, though they have sure tried. It was easy to get away from them physically but getting away from the dysfunctional thinking and behavior that they taught me has been a process. The more I change my belief system, the less influence they have and they really can’t keep me down anymore.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now, but I hope you can make yourself safe from anymore harm from the ones who should love you.
Christina
wow! i hope i can get there one day… i’m still so scared to talk about it. everytime i try, i feel like people don’t believe me.
Rachel, I hope you keep trying!
Really enjoy your articles. I was abused by my father from the time I was 3 to 12 years old. I finally told my mom at 19 when I was hospitalized with a bleeding ulcer (stress induced). I told her because I still had a little 4 year old sister at home who would be the next prey (my older sister was abused as well). She didn’t deny it (because he admitted up to it in a very vague way), but she denied its effects and was not interested in protecting my little sister. I was so full of rage that a mother wouldn’t want to protect her child…because I realized she wouldn’t have protected me either, had she known. It was about her own convenience (she wanted to stay with him and pretend nothing was wrong). But I believe that results from her own brokenness. We prosecuted as the only way to protect my little sister. The defense attorney said “I don’t see what his (older) children are so concerned about.” and other demeaning and belittling comments that make us out to be the enemies of peace. My father got away with 20 (combined) years of abuse by serving a jail sentence of 18 months and allowed back in the house with my little sister…with my mom being deemed an appropriate “supervisor”! (Barf!) Unfortunately our justice system isn’t interested in protecting little children.
Thank you.
It’s been 10 years now trying to heal….I’ve often wondered when I’ll be “done with this.” I go though periods of intensive healing and “work” followed by periods of inactivity and “the rest of life”. Then the cycle begins again. I call them “onion layers”. I think I’ve reached a healing point….later to find that I have deeper to go. It gets frustrating, but a lot of what you wrote in your articles help to place this. Thankful for the work you do in helping to sort out these messes in life and keep people working towards healing and peace.
One more thing. It might be scary to think that people won’t believe you, and that you will feel rejection AGAIN…. and this is very possible. But the FREEDOM and the PEACE you can find in telling is beyond words. Truth has one condition: that is that it be told. There is a verse in the Bible which says the “truth shall set you free.” It is soooo true. It is not the easiest thing, it doesn’t come overnight. But like the poster above said – she told different details in stages….this was true for me as well. At first I was really general…then became more specific the more times I told it. I think it is hard for us to be comfortable with the truth…even harder to say it. But it is so important and brings so much healing! It can’t be rushed, but will happen in time.
Chloe,
Yay for standing up for the truth! Even though your father didn’t get much of a sentence, YOU spoke the truth and that’s so important. I agree that the truth sets us free. After living in lies, secrecy and denial for so many years, the truth is liberating and it’s actually much more comfortable than the lies. Thank you for sharing your story!
Christina
i wish i would have found this article years ago. the first time i was abused i panicked. i was attacked by my brother at my grad party. my dad and i had been really close, so after a few days i went to him. looking back now i wish i hadn’t told him first. he missed the first half of my brother’s life and defends him constantly because of it. i stopped going to family gatherings and have been homeless at times because i was so scared to be at my dad’s after that. no matter how many times i asked my dad and his fiance, they would not let me know ahead of time if my brother was coming over. they encouraged him to talk to me to work things out. and the only way i was allowed at my dad’s wedding was if i “got along” with my brother, which included taking pictures with him and his family. i’m finally on the road to recovery, which is how i came upon this site, and reading this article even years after the fact is healing. there were points touched on in this article that really helped me to fit all of my own pieces together, and that has played a huge part in regaining my self esteem. i find myself doubting what occured, saying that he didn’t mean it “like that” and i was overreacting. my dad has told me the same thing several times. its validating to read others’ stories. thank you so much.
Brittany,
I can sure relate to doubting what happened. My parent’s reaction (even to later events) seemed far from what I “knew” of my parents. The two things that helped me accept the truth was reading the dynamics of an incest family and putting all their behavior together. I had separated each incident where they rejected me and the truth, which allowed me to excuse it away or to dismiss it. When I saw the long history of that kind of treatment, my eyes were opened.
I’m glad you’re on the road to healing. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Christina