Male Childhood Sexual Abuse: Suffering in Silence
Feb 3rd, 2012 | By osa | Category: All Posts, Guest Blog
by Gordon DeLand
I have been silenced, me and my trouble.
I first silenced myself in shame, not even knowing exactly why, but somehow… it was wrong, what had just happened. And I knew it. I looked for a friend but got something else. The trust I had put in him had been violated, shattered. I was pretty sure it was wrong, but there was no one to ask without shaming myself for “not knowing better” It was just a vague feeling then, but it needed a private answer and there was no one to ask. So I silenced The Question. Thus The Silence began.
Then my abuser said, “Don’t tell.” We both knew what had happened. But both of us—my abuser and I— had The Question. But it was a hard question, hard to figure out what the question really was, too hard to figure out the answer alone, and it was too shameful to ask anyone else about. So my abuser told me what he told himself: “Just shut up about this—tell no one.”
Finally, I felt so much shame and guilt that I finally did go ask. I asked someone in charge of me, asked The Question, or what I thought was the question: Was it okay doing that? But when I asked, they did not know the answer, and more than that, they were shocked at the very asking of The Question and the questions that The Question brought up. I was told to be silent. Or that I was wrong, it couldn’t have happened, could it? Or at very least, be very quiet about it now.
So, there! I knew I was right. What I had done was something bad! Now I knew. What a relief! Except that, now, I was bad. Asking the Question had proved that. And now it was my responsibility to maintain The Silence about the bad thing I had done. Telling would not help, I knew that now for sure. And telling more people now—any other people—would also be bad, just like my abuser said it would be. The abuser was right. I was wrong. And I was the bad one for trying to tell. Bad, stupid me. And The Silence got stronger.
But there was hope: I could be a good boy, a big boy, by keeping The Secret and The Silence.
And life went on. The abuse went on, too, although we didn’t call it that. We were friends. Nothing violent or hurtful. Just Special Friends. There were times in between abuse when I could forget and just be a good, big boy and do my duty to not tell. Then more abuse and again I was a good quiet, obedient boy for my abuser, even though I knew that, somehow, pretty sure, less sure, that this was bad. And The Silence grew again.
Then the day came that Someone Else found out about us and the abuse stopped. No more being good for my abuser even if it was wrong and even if I was bad for doing it. The Someone Else who found out made us stop. They told, but they didn’t keep telling because it was nasty, dirty and bad. And no one wanted to hear that. And soon everyone forgot about the whole thing. Everyone but me.
And two things happened. First, I didn’t get to be with my abuser anymore, and the sudden, complete separation from the only one I dared be close with made me think maybe this would happen to anybody I got close to. Second, there were some new rules. First New Rule: No getting close to anyone sexually. Maybe when I was older, or married, they said. But not now. So I figured, no friends allowed (what other way of being close was there?).
Steadily, slowly, they expanded as I got older and my own world expanded. My guilt and shame were always there for me, familiar, comfortable. And they and the confusion always expanded to fill whatever new experiences I had, experiences that made me grow up and out of childhood. Grow up into…what? Good question. Into what? Manhood? I knew I was different because I had not been a boy. So, now, how could I be a man? Not a girl, not a woman, for sure. But what, then? Very confusing. And no one to ask. So I kept silent. And The Question still remained.
And besides, I should be able to answer all these questions for myself by now, for god sake! I’m an adult! And who cares anyway? It was a long time ago. The other guy is dead now, even. Forget it. Shut up. Keep silent. Please.
“Please, please, please! Just SHUTUPaboutit! For god sake just shut up!” That’s what I kept telling myself.
But as an adult, the day came that someone found out about me. What I thought I had hidden so well, for so long, all came out.
It happened a little at a time at first and then more and more, faster and faster. This person kept finding out things about me. They found out that it was me who had been abused, not the other guy. They found out that it wasn’t something I asked for—it was plain, simple Male Childhood Sexual Abuse. And they found out that it wasn’t my fault, that I was a victim. And then they did the one thing they promised never to do: They told The Secret. They told on me. They told the worst possible person they could tell, too. They told ME.
Yes, the person who told, was the same person being told on. I told on me, to me. I quit lying to myself and told myself The Truth. I quit lying about the abuse, that it didn’t happen, that it didn’t matter, that it couldn’t have been me that it happened to, that it was all my fault, that I asked for it. I quit lying that I was the nasty, dirty bad not-boy who was responsible for it all.
And in the end, I listened to myself. And I believed.
Now that you’ve heard my experience and thoughts about this, I’d love to hear yours. Please comment below and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments so you can continue to partake in the discussion.
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Forgetting About Abuse: Who Does That Really Serve?
Forget About It
It has been only the last six years that Gordon DeLand has actively addressed the fact that he is, indeed, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. In that time, one of his main passions has become writing about his journey of healing and helping others who are on that same journey. Gordon is a semi-retired “jack-of-all-trades” ranging from pastor to plumber and resides outside of Dallas, Texas.
Gordon,
I can relate to the silence and the shame surrounding the silence. It MUST be bad if nobody talks about it. I’m so glad more and more male and female abuse survivors are talking about sexual abuse now. It was something done TO us and we don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Thank you so much for sharing so openly.
Christina
Gordon,
Thank you so much for posting it really helped. And made some of it make sense. I think I also need to tell.
Thank you once again!
Hi Gordon,
Wow, I can really relate to this! I remember the day that I realized what happened to me was wrong. I was in my 40′s. I sat there stunned repeating over and over “that happened to me” “it was wrong” “that happened to ME and it was wrong”. I was not the one who was wrong and I finally knew it. My whole life changed for the better and forever with that simple truth. I love how you show how hard it was for you to admitt even to yourself what happened. It was like that for me too.
I am so glad that you are writing about this very important part of the process of healing.
Hugs, Darlene
Gordon,
Wow! This brings so much truth. I could actually see myself in this position. Bad girl! No one to tell and don’t tell. It’s so real to me as a survivor.
Thank you so much for this. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts as a child of abuse and as a man of abuse. It’s so dang complicated to try and figure out as a child turning into an adult. A secret is a secret and being kept a secret is the worst secret of all. Wonderful. Thanks again, Patty
Thanks, all.
It was a hard piece to write, for me, as well. So many years packed into so few paragraphs. Originally, I actually had to write it as ‘we’, not “I” to get through it. The ‘edit’ to make it about only myself brought more tears, depression and loneliness than I would like to admit. But it was a ‘good thing’ in the end.
I hope now it can help others do the same: Break the silence, beginning with yourself.
Thanks for the opportunity.
Gordon
Thank you for this Gordon. It really helps to have another man speaking up about all this. It’s not something that only hurts women, it can feel that way though when men keep silent about it.
SO true, Jack. when I first ‘understood’ what had happened to me –NOT what i DID– back in 1997, there was very little in the way of support or literature. And I literally had NO ONE to lean on. I got two booklets, one from Radio Bible Class “When Trust is Broken” and one from a local ‘drug/alcohol’ council. Hence the long wait from then til six years ago when I began in terror (literally) to search the internet for something, somewhere, some ONE to help me out. I did find that help, tho, and now I want to pass it on.
I very, very, very much relate. You are brave. Grateful that you have found your voice and such support.
Thank you lisa. It’s taken a while to get here, but ‘here I am’! Brave… or a little foolhardy! lol! Never, never don’t Tell, though. The shame and guilt bleed their strength when we are stronger than them and simply “tell on them”.
Gordon, I am proud of your bravery to tell this to others and proud of your honesty so others can see and feel truth maybe for the first time themselves. Keep crusading! There is much healing and freedom to be had!
Gordon, Thank you thank you thank you! Not just you but the other comments. I was 51 and got into a 12 step program, Celebrate Recovery. There I found the forgiveness and healing. I no longer had to live with the shame & guilt that I carried for all of my life. It was not my fault! I am not guilty because of something some one did to me! To set the captive free and realize I was the captive!
Yes Gordon, very well done , You speak for many of us. Part of the shame we humans carry has much to do about uniqueness. We really feel we are the only ones that could have experienced abuse in such a way.How bad can we be if no one else has ever experienced it. We have often heard the phrase that we are as sick as out secrets and that hit home for me years ago in recovery. Anything we hide just makes it more heinous and keeps us emotionally , spiritually and psychologically ill.
I too recall vividly as a boy of 5-6 years old the shame I felt and intrinsically new I could tell no one. Here we are, poor little victims in a fallen world and we feel absolutely alone. And so I carried my pain for some 45 years until it all came to a head as my painkillers no longer worked to subdue the ghosts.It was then and only then that I could re parent the child within and be his protector instead of another abuser, and shed the terrible shame that says, we not only did badly but we are bad. And so it is often the case that we must suffer much pain to get to where we can open up. But by the grace of God we do heal and we find that there is nothing new under the sun that hasnt been done to someone and our uniqueness in that sense goes away. when it comes to abuse we share with much of mankind and the abuse of the woman is similar to the mans in that we all suffer terribly.But by our courage to share our story, we help others to share as well and allow them to join humanity.and maybe start the healing journey long before we did. Blessings to all the innocent souls who have been harmed but can also heal and pay it forward.
Well done gordon!!!Such courage and strength to face our demons.I didn’t start to talk about my abuse untill I was 27.A child pornography sex ring,with all these crazy mind games and drugs.I though I was going mad when it all first came out.20 yrs later I’m still in therapy.the impact abuse has apon us is devestating,confusing and spiritually heartbraking.There is hope.after all we survived!!!What doesn’t destroy us only makes us stronger.Good luck on your journey.and to all those other xsurvivors…Talk talk talk.
Angela,
Thanks for your kind comments. Brave and honest… hard won and partial tho they seem to me, I hope, along with you, that someone ‘yet to come’ will see this and be set free.
Thanks again.
Terie,
You are very welcome, from all of us here. Amazing, isn’t it? That those three words, “It was me” can be so freeing, as we acknowledge what we actually, truly received! And equally amazing, “It wasn’t my fault”, the shedding of the self-imposed guilt and shame. And as you say, the setting free after all those years. It is indeed a “Jubilee”. Pass along this hope, point anyone you might know to this site and never stop ‘telling’!
Gordon
Earl,
Friend and brother, good to hear from you! It means a lot to hear your words about the piece. Glad it meant something good to someone like you. Here’s hoping this will, in some small way, pay forward and shorten the time in pain for someone who is still in that prison of guilt and shame. Blessings, bro!
I have been dealing with my abuser for the past 2 yrs. When he told me “Don’t tell no one!” I began to stutter! Now that I put that behind me my goal now is to get rid of the scar which is the Stuttering!
Hi Gordon,
Thank you sharing your story and not being silent any longer. I too was sexually abused as a child and have kept silent for thirty plus years but no more. I grew up on the suburbs of Washington, DC to an alcoholic and abusive (physical and emotional) father. Not able or wanting a relationship with my own father, I would leave my home on the weekends often riding around my neighborhood looking for friends or anyone who would pay attention to a money kid. On one particular Saturday, I woke up and walked out into the kitchen and noticed the bottle of “Jim Bean” out on the counter. I knew once I saw the liquor out, I too had to leave my own house.
While riding my bike throughout my neighborhood, I met my abuser. He was not a “child molester”, he did not fit the image I always thought a child molester looked liked. No long trench coat, no hat, just a nice guy who talked to me about the things I was interested in, scouts, football, trail bikes. For months I was trained like one who trains a puppy. That “grooming period” laid the foundation of our trust and silence. For the next three years I gave back to him what I thought was love and friendship. Everytime I left his house, I was always reminded “its our secret”. He knew I would not tell anyone, if I did my father would have physically beaten me, my friends would have teased me and most important to me, I would have disappointed my mother.
For years I never thought about my relationship with my prep as abuse. He provided me with love and attention. Today, like so many other survivors I suffer from depression, PTSD, anxiety, isolation and marriage problems. But yet there is a part of me that still owes my prep a “thank you” for taking an interest in me. But as an adult, I realize I was simply his “special boy” for his own sick encounters.
I can not be silent no more and I can no longer keep my promise.
Gordon I have been trying to make contact with you for a long time please e mail me, Phil
Welcome Gordon! I praise you for your strength in sharing your story.
Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story with us. I wish you all the best in your healing. I wish you peace and contentment in your life. By sharing, you have opened the door for other males. They, too, need help to come and speak about themselves and what they’ve been through. They need to know they aren’t alone and it was never their fault. You are to be admired for doing so. I know it had to be difficult. I wish you many blessings in your life. And healing in your heart.
chris,
It is always amazing what ‘telling’ does. Just the freedom we finally feel is worth the pain of the revealing. The added benefits after that—and yes, some negative things that also come– make the pain that much more a ‘treasure’ rather than a liability. The scars don’t heal nearly as fast as we want, just like a physical one. Great analogy there. But Keep Telling man! Blessings on you.
Gordo
John Chapman,
Good for you, to come to this point. I’m betting It has NOT been easy, even just to get to this point, and it is hard work from here out. I have said to myself, “All the good stuff is UPHILL from here” but the climb is worth it and there is no ‘bus’. DO tell! Let it be HIS secret alone, not yours. And when there’s no one to tell, write it out! The act of ‘getting it outside my head’ by writing it out was, for me, a major step in breaking the power of my shame, by objectifying it. Hand back to him the shame and guilt that were originally his and need to belong to him alone, for him to deal with.
Your affection for your abuser.. that is not abnormal at all, as far as I have heard. Not at all. Complicated, yes, but not abnormal. I have felt it myself. Not sure I have what it takes to speak any farther on that, but I know you are not weird to feel that, even when it’s mixed with hatred for him and what he did. We human beings are complicated!
Keep in touch man, and if you can, find a group of men local to you or even online, with your similar history: “We” understand us far, far better than anyone else.
Blessings on you and your journey,
Gordo
Ruth,
Thank you so much. If it gives someone else the strength or courage to break the stranglehold of shame and false guilt, will be worth it all.
Nancy,
Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.
PHILLIP KING,
Great to hear from you! Will be in touch. Hope all is well with you.
Gordo
Gordo,
Thank you for your advise and message. I too speak to anyone who will listen to me. I have even adventured into a book deal with Dr. Williams, a psychologist who has treated many survivors himself. In the book we discuss my abuse and as a police detective who worked on-line children cases, the most interesting cases I worked and the toll it took on me. Finally, we end the book by informing readers of how to protect their children from predators and the last chapter we even have a 14 year old boy discussing his abuse and how he found the courage to break his silence. We are hoping the book goes to publishing in the spring.
Like I said, I will not be silent anymore!
John
brdge h,
I have heard stories like yours… makes me feel (sometimes) like “nothing” happened to me, but we both know better. SO good to hear from you and that you are still working on your recovery. And I agree, ti does make us stronger, even though, like ‘hard work and exercise’ it doesn’t seem so pleasant in the moment. I have come to see myself as being stronger for this… broken, mended and now stronger.
And thanks for your encouragement!
John,
Congrats on the book. And for ‘breaking the silence’ whenever you can. I find that talking about my own abuse makes me ‘tired’, in a way that makes me wonder how a full-on book project would proceed. I can easily ‘fictionalize’ mine and go with it, but even now, six yrs into this, it is real work to ‘let it be me’ who was the victim, in public. DO keep us posted on the progress. It sounds like a very worthy idea.
Gordo
Thanks Gordon for sharing your story. It just goes to show how much we really don’t know about a person and their background. How much can be hidden underneath. How much someone can be struggling or even suffering with our being so oblivious to it. I’m so sorry this has happened to you! I can also see why many young boys who were sexually abused turn to homosexuality because of it. I’m glad you are now able to share so openly with others who have been likewise wounded. May God bless you and give you strength to move forward. My heart goes out to you and those who have left comments as well. Praying for you, Annette
Thank You
Annette and Randy,
Yes, especially the ‘church’ crowd… we are SO good at putting on the Church Face etc and playing the proper part even when its merely playing. America seems so ‘safe’ from such stuff and yet I think stats would prove otherwise. Makes me wonder how it is ‘by yous guys’: surely no more ‘acceptable’ to admit or talk about it and yet the chaos –I’m thinking–would make it just as probable there as here. I still wonder how to bring the subject up “in church” in a non-sensational way.
My own thots on the link between sexual abuse and homosexuality have changed some. I think abuse could contribute to that (I will get hate mail for saying that!) but i think there is much more that goes into it. The ‘aftercare’ given the boys (and girls) can make a huge difference. A solid explanation (Biblical and social) of “The Question” I wrote about, given in a matter of fact way, would go a long, long way to de-fusing the desire. My Opinion on that, of course.
The one book I would recommend for older men seeking to recover is by Mike Lew, “Victims No Longer.” It is very, very powerful.
Hey, thanks for your concern. It’s been only six years ‘working’ on this, seems like six hundred some days. It has gotten a LOT better for me, although somewhat rough on me and those close to me. But as you well know, change is always painful and usually messy. AND worth it. Later.
Emmy,
You are very welcome. Hope you find it a help.
Gordon,
Thank you for posting this. As a survivor myself I can definitely relate to the feelings of shame, blaming yourself for what happened, and feeling like you have to remain silent. The silence is the worst part. It eats at you from the inside. I was sexually assaulted (attempted rape really) by a girlfriend I had when I was 8 (she was the same age) and I stayed silent about it for 3 years. During that time I was crying myself to sleep several nights a week, also was having intense recurring nightmares where masked gunmen would break into my bedroom, empty their guns into me, and I’d arise bullet-ridden to pummel them to unconsciousness before they could reload. After a lot of time looking back at those dreams I figured out that they were the “bad men” whom I had assumed had naturalized my then girlfriend to sex at such a young age, but I don’t know for sure and I’ve been very nervous to search for the reason she did it. And while I kept that secret inside me I was literally erasing memories from my childhood (there’s not much in that 3 year period that I remember unfortunately).
But I went through high school and almost all the way through college without really delving into the flashbacks, the anxiety, the self-destructive coping mechanisms (that never worked but instead only made life more stressful), having recurring daydreams where I’d see myself die (to the point where I became numb to it) and eventually what I had diagnosed as PTSD. My relationships suffered in the meantime, as did my grades, and things were spiraling out of control until I was urged by several friends to speak at a survivor/sexual assault prevention event on campus. When I wrote down what had happened in 2008 for the first time, 14 years after the event, I just couldn’t stop giggling…it was the weirdest thing. It was literally a giggle that I had suppressed for more than a decade, and it was such a relief to have my account of what happened on paper. Oddly enough when I read the speech in front of 250 people, I was the calmest I had ever been, as if I’d memorized the speech or something, it was very eerie. Telling people what had happened to me was far more restorative than I could have ever imagined. Of course therapy (x3 thus far) has helped too, but I never would have even gotten there if I’d never been able to tell people about what happened.
So thank you Gordon. Your bravery is truly inspiring, and I hope your post is able to get other survivors to tell their stories too, because that’s when the healing begins.
In the healing movement for the long haul with you.
~Nigel
So Awesome Gordon to find such courage..
Every time I tell my stories of my own personal abuse the weight of it’s impression leaves me… To keep it inside us does nothing but destroy us but sharing empowers us together.
Sexual abuse can happen anywhere and anytime.
I have told myself many times and continue to live by the truth that the abuse stands alone as an act of itself.
“I am not the abuse that has been done to me”
I am responsible to heal the abuse as I do with myself physically with medicine and TLC.
The more we know the more we are responsible in setting it free to not live inside us rent free.
You will inspire so many. I just have a good feeling
Suzanne
It is a help because recently I’ve written about some of my own past abuses and the courage to share is leaving me day by day I need to do it and your strength is encouraging, I am living with PTSD and secondary PTSD and currently learning from another survivor with PTSD about exposure therapy, and what it entails, it is interesting to me and I’m thankful someone can explain it to me first hand it seems like a great way to get past some of my triggers….eventually.
Nigel.
Thank you for sharing your own story. How very many would discount the incident for various reasons, and yet, we know it was not a ‘small thing’ at all. It is good to tell, isn’t it? The giggling, i fully understand. The pure joy of the freedom to no longer have to keep a ‘bad’ secret’ is indeed pure joy. I can also identify with your calm before a crowd. Honestly, answering the comments in person, face-to-face, has been far harder than typing them out on a screen. I think Its the distance I can put between my vulnerable physical self and the others when there is no ‘body’ there to deal with. After that, public speaking and writing are a whiz!
Thanks again for your kind words, and cudos for your own courage to share your story here. Together, we can make a huge light in the darkness of this world.
Blessings,
Gordo
Suzanne,
That is a great way to say it–”I am not the abuse”.
For so long We were boxed, labeled and put on a shelf by people who had no personal love or care for us beyond what we could do for them. And we took that as our total or main identity.
Having told the secret, having answered the question, and now, beginning to trust others again–yes, with fear, often–I have found a HUGE world out there full of things I like to do, skills I want to gain and can gain because now there is someone to give me permission to be something more than what I was told I was–and for me, what I was told I was NOT.That someone is, of course, that same me who told on me. And therein is the personal responsibility for our own recovery.
Thank you so much for your insight and encouragement.
Gordon.
Emmy,
I know what you mean by triggers! The first time i realized what had happened to me was my first trigger. I was so petrified and almost overwhelmed (I was alone in my office, alone in the building!) I had to immediately just find a human. The second time was almost as bad and to this day I do not fully know why it triggered me. I have learned–as I am sure you are now learning–to recognize them for what they are when they happen and how to “slow it down” to your own speed etc. and so be able to maintain some kind of calm.
It’s great to hear back from you. Keep writing about your abuse, even if it means ‘making a story out of it’ rather than just ‘recording the facts’. Getting it out on paper is such a positive, powerful thing for us all. To make it ‘objective’ instead of merely ‘subjective’– to make it stand on its own as someone else here said–that is a very powerful part of healing.
Thanks for sharing, stay strong, and be brave even when it’s scary–those two always go together!
Gordo
I escaped bullying and emotional abuse after ten years’s torture and mental anguish. I feel free and happier now but somehow cannot find my voice speaking out because I am still in fear of stalking . Or because I’m ashamed of what happened? Maybe both. My soul is screaming for help but my no word is uttered. I’ve been frozen in despair and traumas. Deep inside I still have hope that my future will be much better than my past because I am the winner, the survivor. If I’ve to speak out to get out to get healed, who would believe me? Good people would not believe evil exists!
Sylvia — Your “Voice” will come with use. Write out what happened, one incident at a time. Write to get it outside of you. If it helps, write it out and burn the paper up that you wrote it on. Whatever helps to remind you that ‘it’ is not ‘you’. It is merely part of the whole, beautiful person you are becoming.
This writing and telling is hard work, painful work. But very very healing work!
Keep the Good Work going, Sylvia! And the rewards will accumulate to you.
Blessings,
Gordo
Gordon,
I have intended to contact you for some time now , but just couldn’t bring myself to. It is so odd that tonight of all nights, I was looking up people i knew on Facebook, and there was the link to your story. How brave you are to publish it with your name. I, too, was abused as a child. It began when I was 5-ish. It first was a hired man of my dad’s. It happened in our barn – he was a dirty old man, but I can remember his yellow, nicotine stained fingers inside of me. It continued throughout various times in my life. When I was in 6th grade, it was my brother. My mom had gone away for school (6 – 8 wks). I was left in charge to take care of the house – cooking, cleaning,shopping and laundry for my dad, 2 brothers, and 1 or 2 hired men as well as go to school – a lot for any 12 yo. They always said that my brother was “a little slow”, so when it began, I thought that it was my fault. Although I was 4 years younger, I was smarter so I should know better, besides it felt good and I am ashamed to say, I asked for it sometimes! My GOD! I was and still am heavy… I have been eating for years trying to keep people away… I have endured laughs, taunts and snickers all my life because I feel I deserve the humiliation…I am no good…damaged…unlovable…stay away. I have been in therapy for years and at some level, I know I am not to blame, but in my heart – I can’t. I have a quote that goes “My head says “I don’t care”, but my heart whispers “stupid, yes you do”. I tried to do normal things, dated a guy in college and experienced what now days would be considered “date rape”, I went to the counselling center and was told that “he must of cared for me because he used a condom” I moved away and gave my heart and body foolishly away – he lied to me (isn’t that what they do?) I found that he had been to prison – he stole from me and even tried to “sell” me to a new immigrant so he could get his green card ( fortunately or unfortunately, I was to pregnant to coincide with his “dates” in this country. I have come back home, I have raised a daughter and two grandsons, but history repeats. My daughter has been abused by my same brother (of which she rightfully blames me – I knew!, but I can’t make her understand that I DIDN’T know – I hadn’t admitted it to myself yet. Now we are in the throes of CPS as the older boy has initiated and the younger reciprocated oral sex. I was also recently “felt up” in my own home by a man I thought I knew (married) that I had hired to do some work for me. But I have also been surprised of the old classmates that have reached out to me through Facebook and Classmates.com. How do you learn to begin to get self worth? My biggest regret in life is that I have never experienced a truly loving, sexual relationship. Diane
Diane, I think you are extraordinarily brave.