by Christina Enevoldsen
When I started writing publicly about my healing from sexual abuse, I did it to validate my own history and journey and to inspire hope in other survivors. It’s been wonderfully empowering to record my triumphs and to share the process with thousands of fellow journeyers.
However, being so public about such intimate feelings and experiences has been costly. For the most part, I count it a bargain compared with the expense of silence, but that resolve isn’t always very convenient or comfortable.
One of the recent costs for being so vocal is a lawsuit from my parents. They are suing me for defamation of character and emotional distress. Through their case, they want to shut down OSA and silence my voice.
In the minds of my parents, they are the victims; I am the abuser.
My mother has said of me:
“She has always longed for attention and recognition and the negative recognition is so satisfying to her.”
“I regret to say that we raised her to be self centered and spoiled.”
“She is also without scruples, vicious, extreme and without boundaries or a conscience.”
In the suit, my mother describes several incidents from my life, even from my childhood, to demonstrate how awful I am. It’s clear to me that she believes I’ve been wicked from a very young age and that, though she did her best to instill goodness into me, she was overpowered by the evil in me and by my strong will. She was the victim; I was the abuser.
That’s an accusation I’ve heard internally for a long time. Years ago, when I broke the “no telling” rule, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was guilty. After disclosing my abuse to a roomful of people, I went to bed knowing I’d be punished. And that I deserved it.
A vague but persistent fear loomed over me. Anytime something bad happened to me, I felt shame. From haircuts gone wrong to being laid off at work to being rear ended in my car, I believed it was all the consequences for my badness. Every negative experience was confirmation that I was undeserving of love, pleasure, safety, respect, or comfort.
I believed that my parents deserved protection and that some unstoppable force was on their side so they couldn’t be opposed. They were completely justified in whatever they did to me since I was without any value or rights. There was no “abuse” since you can’t abuse a Nothing.
Though I’d already confronted some of those fears and false beliefs about telling, like most things in the healing process, there have been many layers to this. Another layer started to surface last year.
Before the lawsuit. I’d heard reports of my dad’s deteriorating body and mind. Though I felt sorry for him, his vulnerable position also angered me. My feelings confused me, but as I examined them, I discovered the source: I believed that I had to stop talking about my abuse now that my dad was in a weakened condition. Because my father was no longer physically, emotionally or mentally stronger than me, I feared that I was taking advantage of someone who couldn’t defend himself.
Once again, I felt like I was bad.
One of the most eerie parts of my dad’s sexual abuse was the glassy-eyed expression on his face. It was as though he didn’t even see me. I was just an object to be used, not a human being, not an innocent child, not his only daughter.
I was afraid that I was discounting his personhood in the same way he’d done to me and that it made me abusive. The truth is that telling my story isn’t abusive. Abuse is about powering over someone else. I’m not taking away my dad’s power; I’m claiming my own power. I’m exercising MY right to tell MY story of MY life.
My parents groomed me to accept an identity that made life easier for them–to protect my parents’ feelings and reputation and to be ignorant of my value so I wouldn’t complain or protest.
As I’ve faced the truth about my value and identity, I’ve also recognized more universal truths. I haven’t caused my parents’ emotional distress. My parents’ distress comes from their own failings and pain. To ask me to carry it for them is dysfunctional. To have expected that of me as a child was morally wrong.
If my abusers want to stop their pain, they must begin by acknowledging the truth—maybe not to the whole world, but at least within their own hearts and minds. I know the way they mistreated me wasn’t the beginning of their pain and if they were honest with themselves, they could have the same freedom and healing that I have. I don’t have the power to make them feel bad or good.
I know from my own life that there are two kinds of pain that come from the truth; there is the pain from dodging it and the pain of facing it. Refusing to deal with it leads to more pain. The more I ran from the truth, the more abuse I encountered—from others and from myself.
As I’ve faced my pain—the pain from things done to me and the pain I’ve caused others and myself—I’ve moved through it. On the other side of grieving is joy with life affirming decisions and behaviors.
A victim’s silence isn’t good for anyone. Those types of secrets are destructive to everyone who keeps them. TRUTH doesn’t destroy families and it doesn’t even destroy the abuser. For incest to occur in a family, it takes more than just an abuser and a victim. It’s part of an entire dysfunctional system. Exposing abuse gives the entire family an opportunity to heal and to learn more healthy and functional ways to relate to each other.
Unfortunately, when most families are confronted with the truth they don’t choose to heal. Instead, they blame the victim so they can continue in their dysfunctional ways. People don’t want to face their own internal demons so they demonize whoever triggers them.
When the truth is hidden, abuse flourishes. When the truth is revealed and accepted, it has the amazing ability to set people free. The lie is that pain can be avoided in the midst of abuse. But there will be pain. The question is: Will it be the continuing pain of destruction as a result of the lies or the diminishing pain of facing the lies so healing can occur?
Even if the rest of my family would benefit from my speaking out, I’m not doing it for them. I won’t be swayed by their feelings like I was as a child. I’m loyal to the truth and I’ll honor the truth with my life. I’ll continue to speak out for the little girl I used to be and for all the innocent children who were abused and are still being abused. All of us deserve a voice.
How about you? Have you ever struggled with feeling guilty for exposing your abuser or even thinking about telling? I’d really like to hear your experience and feelings. If you’d like to comment, you don’t have to use your real name and email addresses are never made public.
If you’re interested in finding out more about how I found my voice after abuse, I invite you to read my new book, The Rescued Soul: A Writing Journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal. In it, I spell out the details of exactly how I’ve healed, using excerpts from my journal, very candid stories and detailed examples. It’s definitely up close and personal! It’s healing guide, workbook and journal all in one. I put a lot of love into all 518 pages!
I’m Christina Enevoldsen and I’m the cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse and the author of The Rescued Soul: The Writing Journey for the Healing of Incest and Family Betrayal. I’m a Strategic Interventionist and Certified Professional Life Coach with a specialty Life Story Certification. As a survivor of incest, sex trafficking and a 21-year long abusive marriage (now remarried to an emotionally healthy, loving and supportive man), I bring personal experience, empathy, and insight as well as professional training to help childhood sexual abuse survivors thrive.
Related Posts:
I Blamed Myself Since I Didn’t Tell
How Do I Disclose My Abuse?
Why Do I Need to Tell?
Why I Talk About My Childhood Abuse Over and Over
Male Childhood Sexual Abuse: Suffering in Silence
Hi Christina
This is a very powerful article! The sentence that jumped out at me so much that I wrote down on the note pad beside my computer was this one:
“Abuse is about powering over someone else. I’m not taking away my dad’s power; I’m claiming my own power. I’m exercising MY right to tell MY story of MY life.”
Wow. Abusers presenting as the victim is such a huge part of the dysfunctional family system. That sentence jumped out at me because it sheds light on a different way of seeing the motive of the abusive or controlling person in the equation. I know that the abusive person sees standing up for ourselves as trying to power over them ~ that is the pecking order family system that they believe in and that is the dysfunctional way that they see “respect” ~ That is their ‘entitlement’ and their “rights as parents” and how dare you (or we) put a crack in their fragile existence and understanding of “the truth”, but realizing through that quote, that it’s as though they believe that the truth is actually disrespectful to them and that respect and compliance and agreement with them that WE are less valuable than they are ~ TRUMPS the truth. They believe that when their entitlement as parents is challenged, that they are being victimized! They believe this so much that they will even SUE a child that they sexually abused and list all sorts of stories to back up their claims and to “prove” that they are the actual victims, and not the abused child. It’s so pathetic ~ they are so pathetic.
This is a great article! What a great way to start the day! So glad that you are sharing YOUR story about YOUR life and YOUR rights and THE truth and that you are an empowering voice for so many!
Hugs and love, Darlene
Darlene,
YES!!! Abusers don’t care about the true TRUTH. The are gods of their own world and the truth they care about is their own “truth” that fuels the abusive system. Anything outside of that is a violation and they are justified in doing ANYTHING to preserve their life in that world.
Thinking about it that way, I’m amazed that any of us get out of it after being so indoctrinated into that world.
I’m excited about your new blog post that explains more of your thoughts about this. When you get it posted, I’ll include the link here too.
I’m SO thankful for your insights and for your friendship. Recovering from all this crap wouldn’t be half as much fun without you!!!
Love and hugs,
Christina
I’m sorry to hear that you are being sued. As you expressed, that has got to hurt on so many levels. I hope/pray it empowers others to acknowledge their own truths. I pray/hope for peace for you too.
<3 <3 Lori
Lori,
Yes, it’s been a painful thing to face. It’s been a roller coaster ride of pain and anger and fear. Thanks for your prayers!
Hugs,
Christina
A lawsuit… you have to be kidding me. Who does your mother think she is? I mean, I know what I think she is, LOL, but it wouldn’t be ladylike of me to repeat those thoughts here.
An attorney I talked to years ago when my birth family threatened to sue me said most of these cases get thrown out. Judges feel it’s “he said, she said” and unless someone’s lost a job, suffered serious financial problems, been denied housing, etc., based on what’s been said about them, then there’s nothing to really compensate – and that’s even if the complainant declares emotional distress. I get the feeling whatever lawyers they talked to probably told them the same thing because they never pursued it.
I’m hoping and praying that will be the case here with you. You have the right to speak your truth. That she’s trying to use legal means to silence you does NOT alter the truth, it only reflects her desire to suppress it and it only reflects what a vindictive woman she is. Even if she wins the suit and you have to close this site, it still will NOT change the truth.
I also understand re: your father. Mine got a cancer diagnosis a few years ago. It is treatable, but, eventually fatal, depending on when it will mutate into something more aggressive.
When I found out, I started wondering if we could resume a relationship. Part of me hoped his diagnosis would prompt him to think long and hard about his life and if not having me in it was worth it. Yeah, unrealistic, but sometimes hope’s not about realism I guess.
I got my answer and basically, we still don’t have a relationship (in retrospect, can’t say I’m surprised – hurt but not surprised). I had to grieve that, and in the process was able to see that I still had the right to speak out about how he “raised” me without shame.
I am glad you realize the same is true for you.
PS,
I SO agree that no matter what happens after the abuse, we still have a right to tell our story. Even if the abuser is remorseful; even if the abuser turns into a loving person; even if the abuser builds wells in impoverished countries; even if the abuser is incapacitated; even if the abuser dies, even if we restore a relationship with the abuser; we STILL have a right to tell our story. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Christina
Dear Christina,
Thank you for sharing your stories–then and now. We heal from our stories and we help others heal when we tell our stories. I pray for a hedge around you both emotionally and legally by God to protect you from your abusers. Jesus said the truth sets us free and he says those who lie are of their father the devil. Those who wish to bring charges to you for telling the truth have nothing to stand on. I am sorry they are still trying to silence you. I understand your emotions as you describe worrying about something bad happening to you–I used to think God would punish me with a car accident for disobeying my parents rules of silence too. I think you are dealing with narcissistic parents and they want to have ultimate control but God did not give you to them for them to abuse and He is on your side. Peace dear friend! God sees! God will support you and establish you by His righteous (righteous means right doing) right hand. His promise is for you and all of us who accept it.
I, like Darlene, love this statement and I wish to claim it as my own.
“Abuse is about powering over someone else. I’m not taking away my dad’s power; I’m claiming my own power. I’m exercising MY right to tell MY story of MY life.”
Bravo!
Thank you so much for your prayer, Cherilyn!
This sentence really jumped out at me :My parents groomed me to accept an identify that made life easier for them–to protect my parents’ feelings and reputation and to be ignorant of my value so I wouldn’t complain or protest. Only it was my mother not my father. The reputation was first and foremost in our screwed up family. We always had to act the part my mother insisted I play no matter what the consequences were for me. It didn’t matter to her that she made me look like some sort of deranged creature that she “couldn’t possibly figure out what caused me to act the way I did” as she said to any and all who would listen. What mattered was that her images she made of smoke and mirrors was never discovered. She was kind of like the Great and Powerful Oz…just a pathetic sham with no morals. But boy could she play the victim. As she has continued to do all of her life. I finally came out to a cousin recently that I am no contact with my mother and the reasons why (tho I do not feel that they need to know about the sexual abuse from her boyfriend) and after I told her I felt guilty!!! Like I had done something wrong!! Boy do these people have us programmed. I thank you for sharing your stories. You have given me so much power and made me feel that some how, some way I am going to be ok. Most of all you let us know we are not alone. And that is very empowering.
Pamela,
I’m so glad you know you’re not alone. Isn’t it amazing how, when survivors compare stories, there is SO much similarity? It makes me think that if we all got together and really saw the truth and worked it out in our own lives, we could really make some astounding changes in the world.
Thanks for sharing!
Christina
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. I had a conversation with my sisters last week where they called me selfish and vindictive and said I needed to get over my god complex. Why? Because I pressed charges against my uncle for sexually abusing and raping me when I found out he was teaching at a school.
They allow my uncle into their lives, my aunt stayed married to him. I was ostracized as soon as I tried to go against my mom. And it hurts unbelievably, but the cost of having a relationship with them is too high. I had hoped as my sisters grew older they would start seeing some of the lies, but they have completely bought into the family lie.
Axi,
That’s so awesome that you pressed charges against your uncle! My daughter and I ran into the same kind of reaction from my family when we reported my ex-husband for sexually abusing her. My mom called my daughter “wicked” and my dad tried to bribe her not to testify claiming that she wasn’t perfect and implied that she deserved the sexual abuse since she was “shacking up with a guy”. How much sense does THAT make that she deserved the childhood abuse because of something she did as an adult??? But abusive systems have their rules of conduct and one of the main ones is silence. Yay for you for breaking the rules!!!!
Christina
My husband has a child by his neice and his family and the neice all seem to be ok with it. He also pay child support for the child. But I would like to know what really happened because what he told me seems to be a lie. Should I ask the neice what really happened?
One of the most satisfying feelings I have as a husband is seeing Christina find her voice and speak out. Which means that posts like this one please me immensely. I delight in the fact that she tells her story with confidence and without malice. I’ve seen firsthand what it costs her in terms of the criticism from her family and many former friends, but the life and growth that have resulted are so great that the cost seems insignificant by comparison. As I read this, I know that she is telling her story. It is no longer her father’s story, as much as her parents have wanted to make it exclusively theirs and twist it to fit their own agenda. I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Anne Lamott: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”
AWESOME Don,
I LOVE that quote so thanks for sharing it! I’m so happy to be sharing this journey together. It really delights me to have such a fantastic partner in this adventure of opposing abuse. Thanks for being so instrumental in helping me find my voice and for cheering me on, no matter the cost to you. Have I told you how awesome you are lately?
Love,
Christina
When I started trying to deal with my demons of eating disorder and addiction about two years ago, and mentioned to my mother that I was doing some counseling to that effect, she tried to be helpful by telling me what my problems were. According to her, she had always thought my life would be difficult because of how self-centered I’ve always been. She had several stories from childhood, teenage years, and right up to the present (age 38) to illustrate that belief. She had always worried that I’d have trouble handling adulthood because of my short temper and how quick I am to anger. She had several stories to illustrate that belief, too. She said she had always tried to help me, but I never wanted her advice and insisted on doing things my own way, so what could she do but watch me fail over and over. She would have liked to intervene, or helped me though some of my very, very dark times, but I’m so stubborn and angry that she didn’t want to put up with that emotional abuse from me. Emotional abuse from ME. That’s honestly how she sees it. A lifetime of HER being selfish, manipulative, emotionally cruel, and controlling, and SHE’s the victim. I guess it all goes along with how she is never, ever able to be wrong. That has no limits with her. Thanks for your posts – even though I was not sexually abused, I find so many parallels with your story. Thank you so much for your courage in sharing this.
Kris,
Wow! Your mother’s tone sounds so much like my mother while she was still pretending to care. Such condescending poison under the guise of being helpful. It makes me want to vomit! I used to really buy into what my mom said so it was crushing to hear those kind of things when I was vulnerable and really wanted her comfort and reassurance. It was really miserable being her daughter. I’m so glad to see the truth and I’m so glad you see the truth about your mom. Thanks for sharing that!
Christina
I am honored to stand with you Christina as you speak your truth. I am a survivor of ten years of sexual abuse at the hand of my preacher father. My father was threatening to sue me until I was contacted by law enforcement and told about another victim who had already come forward. Every word you wrote hit home for me – I have been there and know the conflicting emotions you are feeling. Please don’t let fear grip your heart and silence you. This will all work out for good – you are on the side of truth and the truth will prevail. Stay strong and stay loud!
Linda,
Thanks for the encouragement! I’m so glad you’re using your voice to speak the truth too. Thanks for your comment!
Christina
Dear Christina,
I too am being sued by my Mother & Father. My suit is over a home we co- own, but the real issue is because of the secret I didn’t tell for over 40 years. Their oldest son molested me at the age of 5 he was 16. They my parents have not seen or spoken to their son in close to 30 years. He( my abuser) also was sexual abused by an Uncle brother of my mother. Long line of incest. I too will not be silent anymore. When the truth came out during a bout of depression with me, they told me to put it away, and I did until I told my therapist, then my husband, after months of Depression and Anxiety. We have a two family house, that they moved out because I wasnt speaking to them, they have adbandoned their responisble for half the home. I could go on and on… My husband and I, went for deposition two months ago, now we wait for trial. They wanted to silence me, because of money, not going to happen. As I was reading your post, I stop mid way through. I needed to write you. We need to let a voice be HEARD for all who can’t speak. I will never stop… They My Former Mother & Father brought up in the suit, that I have mental Illness. I have never felt better in my life- no more Anger. Im Free….Take care Joanne
Joanne,
I’m sorry that you’re in the same boat. It’s really tough, isn’t it? That’s so great that in spite of the consequences, you’re continuing to let your voice be heard. It’s so validating and empowering to finally speak the truth. I rejoice with you in your freedom!
Christina
Well said Christina- standing with you in this. I’m so glad you have such a great circle of support around you- including your husband. Stand tall and keep being the light for those still in darkness,
Maribeth,
Thanks for standing with me. I’m so glad that I have such a great circle of support around me too!
Hugs,
Christina
Christina, I am so glad to see you have a husband who stands by you! A good man is hard to find and I am lucky in this way as well. He has been a firm support for me. I think we who have been abused need to find new family who are honest and authentic like us. Stand strong!
Cherilyn, I agree! I’m glad that you have such a firm support too!
Its crazy to think that they would want even more attention brought to themselves but I also have learned its always about them, their feelings. It’s an illness that can run in families and when someone speaks up and out they try to create the “appearance” that they did no wrong. They will be able to excuse the outcome of this lawsuit be it good for them or bad for them. One more way to make it look like you are the difficult one. Glad you are hanging in there and still have a public voice.
Love what you say here… “As I’ve faced the truth about my value and identity, I’ve also recognized more universal truths. I haven’t caused my parents’ emotional distress. My parents’ distress comes from their own failings and pain. To ask me to carry it for them is dysfunctional. To have expected that of me as a child was morally wrong.”
Remember that no matter how hard things get going forward. Thank you for having a voice.
Penny,
Yes, it’s ALWAYS about them. It amazes me how they can twist things around like that. I’m glad we’re not twisted up in the abuser’s lies anymore!
Thanks for sharing,
Christina
Great points Christina. My mother also wanted me to feel guilty–she would put on shows about how my telling even the slightest bit of my truth was so overwhelming and painful for her, that I was destroying her. But that isn’t the case, not at all. Beyond being one of her abusive tactics (she would also pretend to cry, and then laugh about how she had fooled everyone later on), I know that she can only destroy herself, that anything she does in response to my speaking out today is still about her and her history, her dysfunction. My telling my story is about me. And I think it’s insane that your mother makes this whole site about her–and when you help so many people I can’t see how OSA is a “malicous, negative, and self-centered” effort. I trust she will lose her suit, as she sounds delusional and I’m sure there are not legal definitions for most of what she accuses you of.
I know what you mean about the glassy-eyed look; it was almost as if there was an invisible cloak over my mother’s face when she abused me, she just stared downward blankly as she took what she wanted, not hearing or seeing me at all. But she was still there, and no amount of denial or “nervous breakdowns” she blamed on my letters can diminish her responsibility for what she did.
Caden,
Thanks for your encouragement and support. You’re so right about there not being any legal definitions for most of what she accuses me of. That’s just abuser tactics–if I’m all bad then she’s all good. If I’m all wrong then she’s all right. The truth is that nobody has a right to abuse anyone else–right, wrong, good, or bad. But those caught up in the system still can’t imagine any equality–only “I have to power over you before you power over me.”
I’m sorry that you experienced your mom’s disconnection from you too. That glassy-eyed expression is awful!
Hugs,
Christina
Christina,
I don’t know if you received my previous comment but I want to thank you for being so brave. You have inspired me for a long time. I was considered the bad guy by my family when I disclosed the abuse. Even by others who had also been abused. It was a taboo subject. Well you have played a role in inspiring me to start my own blog about my experiences. Thank you for this website and for sharing it.
Stanley
Stanley,
I didn’t get your previous comment, but I did get your email inviting me to check out your blog. I haven’t yet, but I will. It’s so great that you’re sharing your own experiences there. Congratulations!
Christina
TRUTH, girlfriend! This powerful truth couldn’t come at a better time. As we set our table for Thanksgiving, I give thanks to be away from my brother, who was my abuser. I give thanks to be away from my narcissistic, enabling mother. I give thanks to not sit with my father, an emotional cripple who abused his little sister. And I give thanks to be away from the whole, stinking extended family, who live in denial. They sit at the table, over an exact spot where I was sodomized and raped as a child. They EAT there. It makes me sick. I give Thanks to be away from them.
And I give thanks to you, for your courage and strength!
Julie
soulsnatching.wordpress.com
Julie,
Yes, I’m thankful for very much the same things. I so thankful that I now know that I have a choice in who my family is and that I have equal say in my relationships. Thanks for sharing!
Christina
“I’m exercising MY right to tell MY story of MY life.”
Exactly! I say that one of the people who abused me has the right to talk about his house burning down, the other one has the right to talk about his bad back, their brother has the right to talk about his near-fatal car accident all he wants, I have the right to say and talk about the fact that I was sexually abused. I’ve been indirectly threatened, as has my dad (their uncle). I’ve been called all kinds of things and have been accused of ripping apart our family when, in fact, the abusers did that 35 years ago. My mother wanted me to keep it quiet because the abusers “could go to jail for that.”
You have every right to say what happened to you. It’s so, so sad your parents have chosen this path. Just know you have an army of survivors sending you good thoughts and wishes and/or praying for you.
You are a brave, brave woman. I applaud your courage and I wish you well!!
Edee,
That’s SO true about the abusers being the ones who ripped apart the family–not the victims! Thanks for your warm wishes and encouragement. I appreciate my fellow survivors who are not just standing with me but standing up for themselves in their own lives. That’s so powerful!
Christina
Thank you for using the truth. I too have been manipulated to think my mother & step father are victims & at the expense of my own value system. I have forgiven them both & I have tried to repair the family dynamics so to speak by allowing them to be apart of my life. This week I have broken all contact with them. I can’t pretend anymore. I’m no longer able to tolerate the critical remarks or total disregard for the gift of forgiveness they have received. I am free to find my true value now. I am grieving the loss of my so called family but I know that I must put myself first.
Angele,
That’s awesome that you’re standing up for yourself and recognizing your true value. I know how empowering AND painful that is. I hope you continue to share your journey with us.
Christina
Hi Christina,
the subject of this blog is something I think about often, the consequences for speaking out. I am almost certain that my abusers would seek to sue me for defamation of character if and when I decide to go public. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you and this site. I am sorry that your family is suing you, but I really look at you as gentle and strong and that you have the power and the voice to set a clear path through the chaos your mother is throwing at you. Best of all I listen to you and think if you can do it, so can I. I am most encouraged by your trail blazing, especially in a society that does not want to look at the messy truth of family incest.
I wish you the best, and hope very much that your mothers law suit comes to nothing more than words, words are wind. I also hope that you are able to continue this site and blogging. This is has been one of the best resources in my life, and the most honest especially concerning parent relationships and religion.
Holly,
Thank you so much for your affirming and encouraging words! I’m so glad that OSA is such a valuable resource for you. I wish you the best if you decide to go public with your abuse! 🙂
Christina
Christina
This is incredibly powerful writing. Your parents are again trying to control you with a (hopeless) legal suit. What you said about the reversal of victim and abuser really struck a chord – Dr Jennifer Freyd uses the term DARVO (Deny – Attack – Reverse – Victim & Offender). I’m sure you recognize her name – she’s also an incest survivor and her parents setup the false memory syndrome foundation to try to classify victims of sexual abuse with delayed memories as somehow “mentally ill victims of therapists” or something like that. As child her parents also referred to her as “brain damaged”. Thankfully that organization is pretty much gone and Dr Freyd is now an internationally known researcher and publishes a great deal of work on trauma and dissociation.
Going back to abusive families and incest – much of Dr Freyd’s family disowned her parents after her Dad’s incest of her was publicly revealed. and it was also revealed that her parents are in fact step-brother and step-sister, and grew up in the same house together. It seems the cycle of incest is a familiar dynamic in many abusive families.
thank you for your courage in continuing to speak out, and to refuse to be silenced.
DID is real,
Yes, I’m familiar with Dr. Jennifer Freyd and deeply appreciate her work. Thanks for sharing DARVO. I hadn’t heard of that term, but that describes it very well.
“False Memory Syndrome” is still widely believed, even by well-meaning people and Jennifer’s work continues to be very important, both in validating sexual abuse survivors and in educating those who work in healing trauma. It’s amazing and inspiring to think of the obstacles that she’s had to plow through! Thank you for the reminder of her story. 🙂
Christina
Thank you so much. I recently wrote a blog about my life and shut it down after my entire family disowned me. My mother falsified charges against me, had me arrested, and my daughter was put in foster care… I hear you. I am past the rage, and my daughter is with me again. I was struggling with the pain I had caused by speaking out… I drove 6 hours to see my younger sister who jumped on me, choked me and said she would kill me. She told me “I don’t want to hear from you again, ever!” She was in the next bed, when my 21 year old stepfather–mom was 42, and I was only 15–came crawling naked into my room. I have been demonized as well. My mom is now seeking contact with my daughter… it is a mess.
I was molested by a neighbor as well—he was 50… I was told it was my fault. I wasted much of my life addicted to drugs and running away every time I felt trapped. I wanted to believe that it was my fault–then I could tell myself that my parents loved me and had my best interests at heart. God Bless You and thank you for sharing your story.
Laurie,
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you. What a nightmare! I hope you and your daughter are healing and finding loving relationships now.
Christina
Hi, I’ve just found your website & read your story… I’m sitting here nodding & KNOWING & understanding because you described my family. You described the position I’ve been given in my family too. I’ve never understood why my family was so screwed up & why only I could see it but I’m beginning to get it. I’ve been in therapy for years, working through the layers of a bad, failed marriage, through the religious cult I was brought up in, through the ongoing animosity (that’s a mild term!) that my very existence has always stirred up in family members, particularly my father & brother.
But for quite a while now the spectre of childhood sexual abuse has been haunting me… But I have no memories. Repeatedly I come up against the suggestion that I present as someone who was sexually abused but I didn’t want to go there. There was so much emotional abuse & occasional physical abuse & neglect that I felt there were already enough reasons for my problems.
But this won’t go away. So I’ve started researching childhood sexual abuse & what I’m finding resonates deep within me. I feel understood for the first time ever. I UNDERSTAND at last. It all makes sense.
But I have no memories, just a growing feeling of inevitability. My father died 2 years ago & that was a great release, as I always knew it would be. I knew I’d never be free as long as he was alive.
But still no memories.
So where do I go from here? No way I can talk to my family… They are pretty bad but I feel I’ve been forewarned by reading of other family reactions here just how bad it can get. I’m stunned that so many of you have been sued, or the attempt to sue has been made by your families. But I totally get it because you’re all describing the dynamics in my family.
I’m still trying to get my head round all this but what keeps me going is the search for the TRUTH so I can heal, move forward & salvage whatever is left of my life. So much has been stolen from me & I’m only just beginning to understand why. Thank you SO much for your bravery in speaking out & leading the way for the rest of us.
GCP,
I can relate to the frustration of not being able to remember. As I started to address my own healing from sexual abuse, I found that I actually DID remember some of it, though I didn’t define those things as sexual abuse or even abusive since they seemed “normal” to me. One of the resources that has helped me to put the puzzle pieces together for me is, “Repressed Memories” by Renee Fredrickson Ph.D. I highly recommend it!
Christina
I admire your courage and honesty. I feel like one of the major obstacles for me in healing from a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship and also a very abusive friendship has been the fear of the ex-boyfriend and the ex-friend finding out — I’m a creative person; I draw, paint, write fiction and poetry, and I would really, *really* like to somehow “exorcise” these problems by being able to write about them honestly. However, there’s this constant fear that, if anything I make ever goes public, the ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend will find out and contact me in anger. Where that leaves me, is feeling muzzled, like I’ll never be allowed to fully integrate those experiences with the rest of my life; like I can’t talk about them. Even when I try to sit down and write poems “just for me,” I have that inner censor looking over my shoulder, whispering how they would say I’m exaggerating, it wasn’t like that, I don’t have any basis for feeling the way I do, they were never that mean, how could I hurt them this way, and so on. And it doesn’t feel good, to tell myself I have to keep it hidden, keep it in. I *want* to share my art and poetry with people; I want that conversation. To help others, yes, but also because I really need some kind of positive response… I don’t know what I’m craving, maybe just belief that yes, it did happen.
Still. If one day I write a book and talk about the abuse, even with the people remaining anonymous, I’m afraid that, for example, the ex-boyfriend will someday look up my name, see what I’m up to, realize I’m talking about him, and contact me to take it up with me. I don’t want that to happen. And I still feel like maybe I couldn’t defend my point of view, and maybe it DID happen however he thinks it did.
A.C.
Yes, I can relate to wanting to express the truth but fearing the consequences of that. For me, it’s been years of processing all of that. I’ve had a lot of time to face the fear and I’ve only stepped out one baby step at a time. The small steps have usually meant small consequences, though they sure didn’t seem small at the time. I hope you’re gentle with yourself as you figure out what’s right for you.
Christina
Dear Christina
I am an abuse survivor, as are many others who have posted here. My mother and her siblings were raped by their father, although the siblings deny it. (I have gathered mountains of evidence to prove it) After my mom revealed the disgusting secret, her family called her crazy and she ended up in a mental institution for a year or so. Sadly she passed away five years later, doctors called it leukemia, I call it death by familial toxicity. Anyway, all of this is going into a book that I am writing. Its the hardest work of my life. I know without a doubt that I am about to make enemies out of people I have known and loved my entire life. But so be it. The truth WILL set me free and restore my moms reputation. She was a loving and caring, bright, beautiful woman. But so very damaged. I will make sure that her suffering was not in vain. Thank you for posting your story. You have reached me all the way in South Africa, at a crucial moment in my own process. Thank you most sincerely. May you be blessed and sustained during your own healing.
Tracey K,
Thank you for your encouragement. I’m glad this came along for you at a crucial moment. I wish you the best as you complete your book and for the rest of your journey!
Christina
A powerful and courageous article. Your story will help a great many others. Thank you for sharing it.
A.
Hi Christina,
I am really glad to see this post – as I know from my own experience how many layers there are to breaking the silence and fear around continuing to speak in the face of persecution and threats. For me there has been a starting and stopping process every time I spoke out and then immediately there were consequences as you’ve shared here – and I had to step back and take time to consider whether my efforts were worth it for me. Not every survivor makes the choice to be a public advocate through sharing their experience candidly and it wouldn’t be right for everyone. But I think the beacon of hope, love and recovery OSA has provided for probably thousands (or more) of people speaks for itself and I am happy that you are taking care of yourself first, but also continuing to share here when it feels right and appropriate.
I particularly relate to:
“My parents groomed me to accept an identify that made life easier for them–to protect my parents’ feelings and reputation and to be ignorant of my value so I wouldn’t complain or protest.”
I come from a family where image and position in the community is far more important than any one individuals feelings… and growing up in that environment was suffocating to say the least. I still wrestle with feelings of guilt for even thinking that they did anything wrong. And then speaking out about it in the ways I have, there have been weeks at a time where I have been horrified with myself for breaking the family silence and exposing the secrets.
In the end I realize every action has an impact – we can call it a consequence… and I have to decide what kind of impact I want to have. And what types of consequences I am okay living with, and which ones I am not. That is part of radical self care and I’m glad to see we are both learning more about that every day.
Love & Gratitude,
Kylie
Kylie,
I love that you validate that it’s important to decide for yourself how far to go in disclosing your abuse–especially how publicly to share it. Abuse is all about destruction of boundaries and about being overpowered so it trains survivors to serve others’ interests above their own out of an ignorance of their own self worth. Self care is SO foreign to most survivors and it’s often difficult to discern whether disclosing abuse is validating or if it’s just another way of giving one more piece of themselves away.
There’s often a lot of pressure within the survivor community to share and disclose. Sometimes, it even comes across as obligation out of a desire to spread awareness. While it’s wonderful to spread awareness, it’s abusive to try to place that purpose or calling onto anyone else. So thank you so much for highlighting that because it’s not something that is communicated very often in our circles.
Love & Hugs,
Christina
Christina I am so proud of you for continuing on in your blog!!!!! I’m sorry for your parents reaction and don’t doubt that mine would do the same.
GPC, I can relate to the not having memories. I think more will revealed as I progress in my healing as I’m ready to handle that kind of information.
Dear Christina:
Reading your article was like looking at my life in a mirror! Abusive parents pretend to be perfect parents, they spend their life manipulating their victims. When they were both in their late eighties my father fell on his head and suffered brain damage. They called me and ask for help, part of me was afraid to help but the daughter in me decided I had no choice, I accepted my responsibility . I made a terrible mistake, and had no idea my mentally challenged brother was manipulating, and instilling fear in them. He was also sexually, physically and emotionally abused, and accused me of stealing from them. They pressed charges against me,and needless to say I was all most destroyed . The only way I could begin to heal, was to write a book about my horrible life.
That was truly inspiring. I’m exercising MY right to tell MY story of MY life. I hope all goes well with standing tall against your parents continued oversight of you and their abusive lawsuit. I applaud you in your bravery and the strength in your story truly speaks truth. God Bless Mary Rose Kamken <3
Dear Christina
This past week I wrote a letter to my mother addressing the physical and sexual abuse my father bestowed on me. It took so many years to even get to this point, it was difficult to speak out in my early years mostly because of shame and I thought no one would believe me. We were raised Jehovah’s Witnesses and those types of things didn’t happen at least no one knew about them. My parents were praised for being well to and great parents, while we were looked particularly me as the rebellious one who turned away from God. My mother stood by and watched the abuse happen, the sexual abuse I am not so sure she had direct knowledge of however, she was a Social Worker so all the signs were there and I feel she purposely turned a blind eye. Well, now she is up in age and has been in denial for so many years that she still has others fooled into thinking something is wrong with her mentally. They believe she has the beginning stages of Dementia, I am not so sure about that. My mother can tell me stories in detail about things that happened when I was as young as 3 years old, but can’t remember the horrendous conditions we lived in. I am angry that she gets a pass, my father died years ago and when he died I felt a little free. I decided to write my mother a letter this week to jog her memory, my brother is going to give it to her because I do not know where she is living, however she does call me a couple times a month acting like we are the best of friends. It’s pure madness, I don’t know how she will respond to the letter and I was even questioning why I keep talking about it and that’s how I found your website. It feels good to know I am not alone, it has been very lonely holding this in for all these years. Thank you for the encouragement to move forward…
Peace and Blessings
J’nai Butler- Curbeam
Hi Christina, it is so true that manipulators and abusers have a way of turning everything on to their victims. They are so callous and I don’t think they have a moral conscience. For example, my biological un-father makes vicious comments about me behind my back to all relatives and says that I am selfish. He spreads so much vitriol about me when he is the one who is a pathetic example of a man. He is such a sore loser that he cannot bear to see me do well. He always undermines me behind my back but acts “nice” to my face.
Reading the htings your mother said about you made me realise it’s the same with me. Somehow they are the idealistic people and we aren’t. I feel like slapping them but I know I do not have the strength because they emotionally manipulate me.
Welcome Christina 🙂
And thank you, I actually decided to confront my abuser and let a couple of the immediate family know! Scared to death but also glad to be free!
OSA has been wonderful 🙂
never a day in my life goes by where I don’t think about what happened
I was 15 when it all came out, I was a good kid I went to school I did what I was told I obeyed, my parents would always brag to everyone how I was the better kid, the one that they never had trouble with I was there youngest and the angel. my parents worked as caregivers for abused children, we had vulnerable kids and babies in my house all the time and tons of social workers. I TRYED to protect them, I TRYED to protect my cousin, I TRYED to protect myself.I never would let him be alone with them even when he got angry at me but eventually I would have to go, I had to go to school and sometimes they were so young they weren’t at school yet and had to stay home with him while my mother went to her other job. Those days killed me with guilt I couldn’t wait to get home to make sure they were ok.
it came out when I told a friend who then told the school councillor, I was taken to live in another part of the country with my aunty, my mother and my older sister joined me two weeks later, I didn’t know what to do everyone tip toed around me until one night I overheard my sister (who also had been abused but completely denied it) talking to my cousins telling them I was a liar because I wont look my mother in the eyes.
I was broken my worst fears had come true and no one believed me, not my sister not my brother my cousins my aunties and uncles or my mother and I was trapped on a farm with a bunch of people who didn’t want me there, conversations stopped as soon as I walked in the room, my once kind hearted beautiful aunty turned cold and spoke to me like I was a piece of shit. my mother said to me one night “I was a abused as a child and I didn’t tell anyone” <=== what??? she basically was saying I should have just kept my mouth shut.
SO I called my social worker (by this stage I was in the partial care of the same people my parents once worked for) I told them I wanted to go home to my town back to my school and I didn't want to be there, then I told my mum I was leaving she looked at me and said "well if your going back there im going to go be with your father" so that's what she did.
I took him to court much to my families disapproval and so did my cousin he was younger than me, he lived with us for a while and me and him were close even though I hadn't seen him for years I told the police he had been abused too and when they went to his town and asked him he backed me and said what I had said was true.
BUT the justice system was flawed from the beginning, to give my father a "fair" trial mine and my cousins cases were separated and we had a different judge and a different jury each, we were told we weren't allowed to mention each other in our trials and if we did they would throw it out of court, my family and my fathers friends all stood up on his behalf and made him out to be this harmless kind man who would NEVER do such a thing, and I was made to look like a spoilt little brat that wanted attention and to be like the kids we looked after, my character witnesses were never called and no one vouched for me, again no one helped me . my trial got re-trailed and I had to do it twice, my cousin lost his case and in the end so did I and he walked free.
I am 23 now I struggle with trust, anger and anxiety I know I should get help but I don't know how, this is me trying, putting ALL this on here. I have a 3 year old son and I am expecting a daughter in 7 weeks time I am engaged I have my own home and my life has done a complete 180 of what it was, I have blocked my family from my life they will never EVER meet or see my children and I will do everything in my power to protect them, they will never feel what I had to feel.
Jessie,
Thank you for sharing your story. What a horrible experience after you broke your silence! I’m sorry that happened to you.
I’ve found healing for myself and I know you can too. My process is documented through my blog posts if you’re interested in learning the process that worked for me.
Christina
I am going though a very similar situation with my own parents right now. I’m 32 years old and still dealing with the pain of abuse by my father and sister. I am now raising my 16 year old sister and my 20 year old sister who was raped by my brother was also cared for by my husband and I for about a year. My brother is serving time in prison and my parents blame myself and my sister’s for everything. Thanks for your ministry to others dealing with painful situations like yours. God bless you!
By Tina Savage
How childhood abuse affected my life: my life started after I left home at eighteen. As a child I was in constant fear for a multiple reasons. My father was the perpetrator and my mother refused to see it. John would fondle me anytime he got the chance from the time I was four or five til I was 13. My three younger siblings and I were subjected to physical and emotional abuse. John was a head case. There was never a moment of joy or peace when he was around. One of my memories of my dad’s sexual abuse was the glassy-eyed expression on his face. It was as if he didn’t see me, not an innocent child, not his oldest daughter.
How adults can overcome history of childhood incest and abuse: I can only share what has worked for me. Not shoving it under the rug. Dealing with it head on. I strived for healing. I told my school principal when I was a freshman in high school. He got me in touch with a counselor which I think to this day, saved my life. He was encouraging and affirmed that I was born this beautiful person and the awful things that happened to me couldn’t affect that beauty because that beauty had so much power. Those words really gave me strength. Exposing the abuse started the healing process. That was 34 years ago. (1980) When I was 18 I left home and joined the military. I sought counseling through a military chaplain. At 19 I became a Christian. Which was a great platform for me to start my new life over. A life from where you didn’t feel safe. As a Christian I found a moral compass in which I could live my life. It doesn’t mean that I got saved and everything was okay. It took years of counseling to get past it. It is okay to ask for help. Also life experience of trials and tribulations.
I have suffered with PTSD. My symptoms in the past were nitemares and flashbacks. No one wants to be held in bondage over something that happened to them that was through no fault of their own. I have seen different counselors. Some were helpful. One told me I was very strong and brave. I didn’t give up and continued seeking help. I found one that was I guess the right fit for me. It didn’t happen on the first meeting with her. I just kept going and life just felt better. I was starting to feel that cognitive therapy wouldn’t help. But this was the exception to the rule. She was helping me and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was starting to actually have good childhood memories, ones that I shared with my siblings. Where before I just wanted to shut it out. For example; I didn’t embrace childhood photos in my home. My sister has several pictures of us as kids hung up and on her dresser. I still don’t hang up childhood pictures. But I embrace the here and now. And that is how you keep your sanity.
Other things that I benefitted from was Art Therapy for PTSD individuals. I drew a lot as a child but painting as an adult really helped with the healing process. I had already had a nursing and business degree. But taking college classes for fun was good for self- care. I took a drama class at a two year college close by. I did the legally blonde costumes for my Chihuahua and I. I remember joy exploding all around me. For some reason I always thought doing things for myself were selfish and had a negative connotation. When you live in pain it is totally okay to want the best out of life. EMDR (eye movement desensitization responsiveness) helped me not forget the memories but helps you process it in a different light. It removes the dark clouds that previously hung over you.
I turned fifty last February. I have been happily married for over nine years. I have two sons from my first marriage and two children from my current husband. Having a successful marriage and four great adult children (ages 25, 21, 20 and 18) has been the most fulfilling aspect of my life. My husband and I have forgiving hearts and laugh a lot. He is also a Christian so we share the same values. From my messed up childhood I was determined to be a good mother. As a mother the passion was naturally there. And my kids made it so easy to love them. All four have enriched my life immensely. In a woman’s bible study we had to imagine what we would want people to remember about us at our funeral. Which my first thought was “how morbid.” Here in the Army I served 21 years, received (1) Army Commendation Medal, (6) Army Achievement Medals…. The two college degrees, ten years of nursing experience, managing soldiers. All just accolades. What I want to be remembered for is how devoted of a mother and wife I have been. How God has blessed me beyond measure. Finally I feel free. Oh I love that word!
My father to had that glossy look in his eyes. I so identify with you. I waited to long to press charges. But at one point I had notified radio stations where my dad lived so he couldn’t hurt any more children. I was asked to go to my local police department and explain what I was trying to do. Like I was the bad guy. Your parents are pulling the typical. It is good that you know the truth. I to think it is important to have a voice.
Your feelings and experiences very closely mirror my own. Although I wasnt abused by my father I was abused by my brother and also a female cousin. I tried to speak to my Mother about it but she wouldnt listen and I was condemned to a life of silence and disapproval. Over the years from the age of 8 when I was first abused I endured disgust, anger and disapproval in varying degrees. My Mother was a single parent and aware of what was happening to me but chose to turn a blind eye. In fact she blamed me for what was happening to me. When I tried to talk to her and get help from her to make it stop I was told that she had spoken to my brother and he had explained what was going on and that it was nothing to do with me…When I exclaimed that of course it was to do with me, after all it was happening to me she then pushed me away and shut the door on me! She even went as far as to say that I was wrong to be talking to her because it was causing HER so much distress and injuring HER feelings! I was angry but somehow over the years it has twisted into feelings of self-hatred and lack of self-worth. I feel like other people are more important than me and that anything that I say or do is less than everyone else. Also (like you) I find myself irrationally accepting the blame for things/feelings that belong to other people. I know that it is irrational but find it impossible to switch off. I am currently receiving counselling from a PICT therapist which is helping me tremendously. It is essential because my current state of being is destroying my personal and family life. I have tried to talk with Mum again just recently but it is a waste of time and other members of my family have closed ranks and chosen to believe my abusers than me. I contacted the Police and had my abusers questioned. My cousin admitted what she had done but my brother and my Mum denied what I said. I wish you lots of luck with what you are going through. I know it is hard but stay strong because YOU have a right to speak about what has happened to you and to be believed because it really happened. Remember that you are not alone..there are other people like me who understand and support you.
I’m thrilled to have found this site. You all must have been reading my mail. 🙂 The family dynamics are all the same, of course – humankind is universal.
It’s sooo important to keep exposing evil – it runs, but cannot hide. Light truly does pierce the darkness…it’s empowering.
HI…It’s Tina again…you will be able to tell how much I empathize with anybody that has been molested as a child. Talking to your mom or perpetrator isn’t advised. But writing a letter to them or burning it and throwing.the. ashes somewhere.have a symbolic.
effect it helps you.
My dad took my childhood and my mom allowed him to do it. She isn’t off the hook she had a responsibility to keep me safe. EMDR therapy has really helped me. This is the best way that I can explain it… as a little girl I felt like I was a cracked egg or an ugly duckling. as I went through therapy as I went through therapy I had the realization that I was this young child with blonde hair blue hair and blue eyes… I imagine myself in a safe place is on a beach in Hawaii I have been there 3 times and ironically I took my two sons there when they were little. After therapy I came to the conclusion that I was not a crack egg or an ugly duckling that was a child that cared about other people and wasnn’t a cracked egg at all. I love all of my fellow or sister survivors. I salute Christina for starting this blog.
Hi Christina,
Liam here. I only found this site recently in my early stages of not hiding my abuse. Gorden replied to my posts in relation to male survivors of abuse. I read your post only now. I connect with the confusion of say/not say, damned by inner torment if say nothing, keep it under your hat, or say aloud, then have all that public scrutiny, that legal madness- I’m less public. But my quiet voice was amplified- though I live up, then down- on this site. The first ever shout.
Your honest account has encouraged me to not fall silent- silence meant I endure further the effects.
Live long and prosper
Liam (thanks for a voice, now I’m off before the tears again)
Liam,
I’m so glad you found us here. Welcome! I hope that you continue to share your voice. It’s gratifying to know that you’re encouraged to keep speaking up. The things that happened to you are important and so are your feelings. You deserve to be heard!
Christina
Hello ,
Thank you for your post. I have struggled with the deciding on telling my story as well. I was sexually abused for about ten years from the age of 7 and unfortunate typical mom did not believe and took the mans word. Not my biological father but either way it was wrong. I suffered and I mean I have suffered for years with this pain and with my emotions all over the place. Choosing men who did not want to commit but only wanted a sexual relationship and men who just simple were not available like my biological father. I’m dating a real nice guy now and he said something to me just yesterday about me acting like a child. At first it hit me hard because I am very sensitive but also because it was the truth. Not so much as an act but I noticed my thought process and how I perceived the situation was “childlike” and I know where that comes from. Most of my short comings and my responses in relationships come from the sexual abuse. There has been pain, anger, hatred and it hasn’t been easy fighting the battlefield of the mind. Having to change my mind set, knowing and understanding my worth and now having the love for myself which has been my biggest challenge. I could go on and on and on but I will not. I get worked up and I too am passionate about this topic because yes it hits home and that’s usually how it is. I always tell young mothers that no matter who you date if you ever have children or if they already have some no Man will ever be as close to them as the child they once or will carry. always listen to the child and show respect. If you ignore a child’s voice they will grow up in fear of speaking out because after all if mom or dad don’t confirm it then its not good so, why would anyone else listen.
God bless you and again thank you for your voice sorry for the long post! Have a great one 🙂
Sadly my father passed away today. He had many great qualities but chose to sexually abuse myself and my siblings. I was his favorite which set me up for more abuse from my mom. She has split personalities and was jealous of my special relationship with her husband so I was her whipping post. My brother also abused me sexually of which I have distinct memories that have come back in time. And my cousin raped me at the age of 5. Because of the sexual, physical abuse and emotional abuse I have suffered I have multiple health problem. I have forgiven my father and pray for his soul. My mother remains, and is seriously mentally unhealthy. But I have made a break from her and in doing so my health has improved over the past year. My abuse has shaped me into the person I am today and though as ugly as it is, my heart has started to heal and at 50 I’m starting to feel free of it all! Thanks for your site it has given me strength to keep moving forward, when I’m feeling overwhelmed. And by the way my abusive family WAS the “perfect family!” Now I have my own loving family and a great husband of 22 years and we use forgiveness as our foundation, God’s Grace and his Love covers all things for those who believe.
I hope by now the lawsuit your parents filed has been thrown out as the ridiculous piece of crap that it truly is and that the judge warned your parents not to use such means to harass you further. You are correct; you have every right to tell your story. They had a choice what character they would play in your life and they chose the role of abusers. Now, they don’t want to face the consequences or have anyone know their dark, ugly, hideous secrets. They want to continue the facade. Too bad. Thankfully, you have been strong enough to take off the mask and end the deception. Good for you. You have much to be proud of. You have demonstrated a high level of courage and strength.
I relate to so much of what you have shared, both here and in other posts. You are a voice for people like me who are still trying to find the strength and the words to speak out. Thank you for being that voice. Don’t stop talking. Keep speaking the truth and keep exposing the secrets. Rid yourself of the poison of your past. You deserve to be free. As do we all.
Broken Wings,
I’m happy to say that my lawsuit is over. I signed a settlement agreement a few months ago and I’m free to continue to tell my story. I agree that my parents didn’t want the consequences for how they treated me so they tried to shut me up. That’s not going to happen!!! I’m more fired up than ever and more determined to speak out. Thanks for sharing!
Christina
Hi Christina,
I was sexually abused when I was 7 for year. I am 20 now, and the abuse has tormented me for years because my abuser was my older brother. I’ve been in a cycle where I would think that I’d be over the abuse and I’d be happy for a few months and actually forget about it. But then, ill have a flashback, or smell a scent, or hear a word that just breaks down my dissociation from the abuse. For many years, I have wanted to confront my brother but I’m so scared about what will happen if my family finds out or that he won’t admit to the abuse. Some days, I’ll become so angry and full of rage that I wish the worst for him for what he did or cry and become depressed and I won’t talk for anyone for days. I have never told my family because I’m scared that they won’t believe me or that they will blame me for ruining their family. I want to feel at peace with my past but I have no idea how.
Christina,
So glad to read the lawsuit is over! My husband and I are being taken to court by My Former Mother & Father over a home we co owned. The trial is December 3, 4, 5 2014. They are suing me over a home, but the real reason is because I spoke out at 47 years old about being sexual abuse at the hands of their Sons when I was about 5 years old and the Sons were about 16. They moved out of home and left us with all the bills. I’m now 52, and looking forward to be free of them forever! How was your nerves the days before trial? Can you help with any advice? Thank god I have support from Aunt(former father sister) & Cousins, friends.
Joanne
Thanks so much for sharing. I feel the same way as you about the truth. My dad was my abuser. My husband confronted him 3 yrs ago. He denied it, says he doesn’t remember. He did come close though. He said well I may have accidentally gotten in bed with her in the middle of the night. Right. That’s actually what my sister told my mom. It has seemed like my parents mainly my dad has wanted to put me on trial as if I need to prove to them what happened. As if it better to sacrifice their own daughters rather than face the truth. Your parents took it to far to the extreme. Unless they repent they will have to face the wrath of God for what they have done. I get frusted bc I still have unanswered questions and I feel like deserve to know all of the truth of what happened. I confronted my mother who says she doesn’t remember and didn’t know it had happened. It’s really hard to believe that. She did divorce my father after she found out but, I think it was her way to justify an already failed marriage. Then my father blamed me for the divorce. He wrote me recently saying he was getting remarried, and was asking for my approval. Not sure why, or why that would matter. Anyway, tired of their lies and dysfunction. I have written several letters in response to his and I think I may actually send one soon. Thanks again, everything you have written is reaffirming and helpful.
Thank you! I am just starting my own blog as a way of ending the silence and taking back my own power. I feel like it’s finally my time. I absolutely love how you said this, “For incest to occur in a family, it takes more than just an abuser and a victim. It’s part of an entire dysfunctional system. Exposing abuse gives the entire family an opportunity to heal and to learn more healthy and functional ways to relate to each other.”
The majority of my family chose to “sweep it under the rug” while my mother (and greatest supporter) said no more and cut ties when everyone else decided to hide the truth! Thank you for using your voice! That’s what I plan to do in 2015!
Kayla,
What a powerful voice- to end the silence. I only smashed that silence last year, and still tremble, a bit and a lot sometimes. I hope my family of origin heal and learn- otherwise there are victims still. But I shout aloud, hope that cry goes right out, so out, NO MORE VICTIMS- no more… Careful though, for deniel in mad families (sorry: dysfuntional) can be to distress. Those who support you- I salute- my mad family, are still kind of mad, that is painfull,
My kids will have a new ansestry- free from that- and with peace- thank God!
Liam
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This has been so helpful for me as I was cast out by my entire family when I finally confronted my mother about her singling me out for abuse because I reminded her of my biological father’s much hated mother, and my sexual abuse by a much older sibling which she blamed me for .
She admitted it wholeheartedly but told my siblings I had had a nervous breakdown and they should not contact me. It was when I told her that she was not having access to my children as she had already started scapegoating the one who is most like me, unless she attended therapy with me, that the narcissistic rage emerged in all it’s glory. Who was I to stop her doing what she wanted?! This is the woman who had a temper tantrum about me not agreeing to something she wanted at my stillborn daughter’s funeral. My oldest child still remembers seeing me in crying (she had never seen me cry before which is why she remembers) while my mother shouted at me. An older sister also shouted at me for not getting in the hearse, carrying my baby’s body, quick enough on the day of the funeral as I was holding everyone up – so conditioned were my siblings to think that I had no feelings. The sibling who used me for ‘sexual experimentation’ used my child’s death as an excuse to get out of being fired for a poor sickness record. I was even asked to attend the disciplinary meeting to support them and while there they sprung it on me that they had depression due to my loss and that was the reason for their long term poor attendance. I had not idea they had been so affected. They had never even asked me if I was OK while I went through it!
Now my mother is the ‘victim’ and I am disgusting for causing her upset ‘after all she did for us’.
I have spent 3 years in a wilderness of pain, shame and guilt feeling like I am nothing and my kids would be better off without me.
Thank you. I needed to read this today.
A victims silence isn’t good for anyone. In your article you were speaking mostly about keeping the secrets within the family where incest is being done. But I see that my silence, even in a 40 year marriage is destructive to my hubby and kids. I’ve told enough- bare bones- they all know “that this happened”, but it’s not out in the open, not an acknowledged part of my-our lives. I don’t want to admit what really happened- the details aren’t important, but how it crushed me, blew me apart, that things trigger me, that I’m hiding everything about me, that I do everything out of fear and shame, that I have no clue what love is, that I don’t know how to love or be loved- even the word is meaningless. This article is really a challenge- the silence extends to me now, not just back then. Wrapping my head around … it’s ok to be awkward, halting, imprecise, tongue-tied, the truth doesn’t have to come out like a Roman orator. It just needs to come out, even if in pieces. I have to break the “let’s dont talk about unpleasant stuff” rule. This article makes me ache- the battle of “I can’t talk” and “talking allows the possibility of growth, better, healing”- a choice I can make, tho there are no guarantees. Thank you- a very poignant mirror into my present.
Wendy, my heart goes out to you.
Am starting in this journey of bringing out the fact that my father used me for his sexual pleasure. Am starting to really understand what really happened because up until last year I think subconsciously I thought I had made him do that to me. The truth is the he lead me into believing that it was a mutual thing that started when I was 12 years old and went on till I was 16 or 17. It was his special way of loving me and I think I believed him?.
To begin with he was not in my life until he decided to look for me so I met him when I was 10. Apparently him and my mother had an argument something about my grandmother (his mom) not liking my mother so she took me away at 6 months old. My mother also didn’t raise me she let me live with an aunt until I was 7 (she was a loving lady, I have good memories) the problem was that her husband was sexually abusing me (didn’t tell anyone until I was in my twenties) so I think I agree to go back to live with my mom to get away from the abuse. Living with my mother was a nightmare because she would beat me up until she was tired for any reason and what ever reason. She had a very lovely husband/my step father who would protect me or get mad at her for hitting me, but he didn’t live with us because he had a business out of town so was not around a lot. When my father showed up in my life for some reason he and my mom agreed that I will come live with him her in the United States am from Guatemala so I moved her with him at age 11 months after that he started using me sexually (all of my life I saw as a father never an abuser) when I became a mother and started having a family things didn’t go as well had a lot of problems with my then partner now husband of almost 25 years back then a friend invited me to a Christian Church ( was a very devoted catholic before then and faith as been my safety net that has kept me from the worst outcome) so I decided to forgive my father and move on with the the knowledge that I was not at fault that he was the grown up but he never acknowledged it. My father also became a Christian, stop drinking got married had two more kids my brother is now 18 and my sister on his side 15. He has been part of our lives my husband loved him, my kids grew up seeing their grandfather (life was just right and I trembled with the idea of anything ever coming to light) how twisted is that!!! Until last year I started suspecting that my sister might me going through the same thing, I started feeling guilty what if……. and the whole journey of how do I find out, I don’t want to say something and nothing has happened to her and now I destroyed a good family (not once I thought about me, I thought that I was healed, that I was one of the few that did not become an statistic, little did I know the monster within that would wake up) I am 44 years old strong in my faith in God and his word I talk to a friend that knows for her advice who tells me that the first thing I need to do is let my family know my husband. I had nightmares about this because all my life am asking God never to touch that area of my life please don’t call me out to ministry and ask me to speak about that because to me that was an isolated situation, my mom was not there to protect me and somehow I had something to do that made my father used me sexually, I probably provoked it after all I had already been abused maybe I attracted it to me (how twisted is that) my daughter 22 and boys 25 and 19 this is end of October last year but she tells me to wait after the holidays. In short during an argument that I have with my daughter and husband December 31 I just yelled out to them what had happened because my daughter confronted me saying why was I so worried about other people when I didn’t even wanted to go see my dad at the hospital when he was hospitalized? So it just came out in the worst possible way (I still have not told the two boys) after telling them something strange happened, I started understanding how cruel my dad was, he took advantage of a broken little girl, I was the perfect victim away in a different country nobody could defend me (the anger is unbearable the sadness is equally bad) I get depressed on and off I don’t think anyone in my family has a clue how bad I feel. I went to the doctor thinking I had kidney stones last month but it turns out that my body is so tensed that my neck, back and shoulders are in so much pain that I have to take muscle relaxer and pain pills to ease off the pain. It’s like am fighting a demon with in, and just now am starting to see all the areas that his abuse affected me, I don’t have a good relationship with my daughter (I feel she hates me sometimes) I love her to my core and have done everything to make sure she and my other two children are protected from not growing up in a family, that cares and protects. I want to do everything in my power to make sure I Don’t drag the pain. I have even thought of taking my life in the least painful way and just end the pain. I guess I love God and my family too much to go through with it. Today I started thinking I have to find a way to go through the healing and making sure I am made whole again, I even started drinking to help with the stress but I now that is a dangerous route both my parents were extreme alcoholic so I know better not tamper with it and have it get out of control. I have to have a grip on myself because all the things I have to deal with are going to be ugly. So I googled how to deal with sexual abuse by a dad and this blog caught my attention. I already ordered your book and will start second phase and all this ugliness but you all are right, the more I put it out the the more freedom I experience. Blessed to have found this community.
Blessings
Milvia L