Listed below are some of the indicators of sexual abuse. Please note that one or more of these do not necessarily indicate abuse, but are merely indicators of possible abuse. There may be a variety of reasons for these symptoms.

Sexuality

1. I began masturbating at an early age.
2. As a child, I used to insert objects into my bottom, and I do not know where I learned to do this.
3. I seemed to know some things about sex even before they were explained to me.
4. I have never really been very interested in sex OR I’m preoccupied with thoughts about sex.
5. I can’t stand to be touched in certain sexual ways or areas of my body.
6. I have a strong aversion to certain sex acts OR I have a need for particular sex acts.
7. My experiences with sex are degrading or short-lived.
8. I freeze up or can’t say no when someone wants to be sexual with me.
9. I feel threatened when someone expresses sexual interest. All pursuit feels like a violation.
10. I have a sexual dysfunction, such as premature ejaculation, inability to have an orgasm, or pain during intercourse.
11. I feel as if there is something wrong or dirty about my sexuality.
12. There is only one way I can have an orgasm or one position that turns me on.
13. I have fantasies of sexual abuse during sex or sexual fantasies of dominance or rape.
14. I am or fanaticize about being a prostitute, stripper, sex symbol, or porn actress.
15. I have an erotic response to abuse or anger.
16. I have had promiscuous sex with strangers, but I’m unable to have sex in intimate relationships.
17. I tend to sexualize meaningful relationships.
18. I am compulsively seductive OR compulsively asexual.
19. I cry after an orgasm OR am impersonal and shutdown.
20. I cannot be sexual unless I am the aggressor.

Sleep

1. I am afraid of being alone in the dark or of sleeping alone.
2. I had or have recurring dreams.
3. I often have nightmares and night terrors (especially of pursuit, threat, or entrapment).
4. I remember vividly one or more nightmares from my childhood.
5. I have difficulty falling or staying asleep.
6. I sometimes wake up feeling as if I am choking, gagging, or being suffocated.
7. I have awakened from sleep trying to attack my partner.
8. Sometimes I fear or sense that someone is in my bedroom.
9. I often wake up frightened at the same time every night.

Fears and Attractions

1. I am frightened of one or more common household objects OR I have a strange affection or attraction to a common household object.
2. I would never go into a closet or any dark, confined space.
3. Basements or certain other spaces terrify me.
4. I am afraid to be alone or to leave my house.
5. When I was a child, I cowered in corners and liked to hide.
6. I hate going to the dentist more than most people.
7. I neglect my teeth.
8. My mouth seems repulsive to me.
9. I hate to have someone touch my hair.
10. I hate water on my face when bathing or swimming. It sometimes feels like I’m suffocating.
11. I am always alert to the possibility of sexual assault.
12. I don’t like making noise during sex, or while I cry or laugh.
13. I carefully monitor my words or my volume, especially when I need to be heard.
14. I am afraid to take risks OR I frequently take dangerous risks.
15. I’m afraid to get too emotionally close to anyone OR I get too close to people too fast, before I even know if I can trust them.

Eating Disturbances

1. I have had periods in my life when I couldn’t eat, or I had to force myself to eat.
2. Sometimes I binge on huge amounts of food.
3. Certain foods or tastes frighten me or nauseate me.
4. I am seriously underweight or overweight.
5. I gag or choke easily.
6. I make myself throw up, take laxatives, or exercise exhaustively to control my weight.

Body Problems

1. I do not take good care of my body.
2. Even if I think something might be wrong with me, I don’t go to the doctor.
3. I don’t feel connected with my body.
4. I hate the way my body looks.
5. I avoid looking in mirrors.
6. I wear clothing that covers up my body, either too much clothing or baggy clothes.
7. I wear clothes even while I swim, bath or sleep.
8. I need more privacy than most people when using the bathroom.
9. I have odd sensations in my genitals or rectum.
10. Whenever I think of a certain person from my childhood, I get a sensation in my genitals.
11. I sometimes feel physical pain or numbness associated with a particular memory, emotion, or situation.
12. I avoid going to the gynecologist, or I dread it terribly.
13. I have gastrointestinal problems, gynecological problems (including spontaneous vaginal infections), headaches, arthritis or joint pain.
14. When I was a child, I had frequent stomachaches or headaches.
15. When I was a child, I wet the bed.
16. When I feel threatened I sometimes feel detached from my body, like I am watching a scene from a movie.

Compulsive Behaviors

1. I sometimes hurt myself in a way that marks or sears my body.
2. I have an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
3. My drug or alcohol use started before I was thirteen.
4. I do some things to excess and I just don’t know when to quit.
5. I can’t seem to control myself when it comes to spending money or gambling.
6. I try to control things that don’t really matter, just to have control of something.
7. I need to have the feeling that I am in control of myself, others, or situations.
8. I have a strong need to protect what’s mine.
9. I have often taken foolish risks with my safety.
10. I pick at my body, often without even thinking about it.

Emotional Signals

1. I space out or daydream.
2. I have an extensive fantasy life. I imagine relationships or identities that I don’t have.
3. I feel the need to be invisible or to make as little trouble as possible.
4. I instinctively know and do what others want or need without having to be told.
5. I don’t know why people would want to be nice to me. I have a high appreciation of small favors by others.
6. I often feel like I have no right to set limits or to say no.
7. I seem to have a pattern of being victimized, especially sexually.
8. I have a pattern of having relationships with a much older person, which started in adolescence.
9. I feel the need to be perfect OR I feel the need to be perfectly bad.
10. It is difficult for me to recognize, own, or express anger.
11. I am constantly angry.
12. I have an intense hostility toward an entire gender or ethnic group of the perpetrator.
13. To smile or laugh means I am losing control.
14. I often feel like I am being watched.
15. I get nervous when I am being watched.
16. I tend to be secretive.
17. I don’t like surprises.
18. I startle easily.
19. When I am in crisis, I go into shock and shutdown.
20. Sometimes really violent or strange pictures flash through my mind.
21. I feel a sense of doom, as though my life will end in tragedy or disaster.
22. I get nervous when I am happy and tend to sabotage it.
23. I have the feeling that if I am happy, it’s not real or won’t last.
24. I have unexplained bouts of depression or I cry without knowing the reason.
25. The pain in my life seems too big compared to my known history.
26. I have a strong sense that something terrible has happened to me or that I carry an awful secret.
27. I have the feeling that no one will listen to me, though I have an urge to tell OR a strong fear that my secret will be revealed.
28. There is a blank period in my childhood when I can remember nothing.
29. Other people seem to have childhood memories at an earlier age than I do.
30. I feel different from everyone else; I feel that I’m not real and everyone else is or vice versa.
31. I feel marked, like I am wearing a scarlet letter.
32. I have multiple personalities.
33. I have the feeling that I am crazy.
34. There have been times when I had suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide, including “passive suicide”.
35. Nothing seems very real sometimes.
36. I am not in touch with my feelings, I am usually numb.
37. I identify with abuse victims in the media, and often stories of abuse make me want to cry.
38. I have a desire to change my name, either to get away from my abuser or to take control through self-labeling.
39. I have a strong need to believe that nothing bad happened to me. “Maybe it’s my imagination.”
40. I tend to minimize the bad things that were done to me. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Adapted from symptom checklist from “Repressed Memories” by Renee Fredrickson, Ph.D. and Incest Survivors’ Aftereffects Checklist from “Secret Survivors” by E. Sue Blume.

Indicators of Abuse in Children

1. The child masturbates in public.
2. The child began masturbating at an early age.
3. The child plays with toys in a sexual way.
4. The child touches others’ private parts.
5. The child talks about body parts in a way that seems inappropriate.
6. The child has genital discomfort or rashes.
7. The child has had blood in his diaper or underwear.
8. The child has frequent stomach aches, headaches and sore throats.
9. The child wets the bed or wets himself in public.
10. The child has regressed to earlier stages of behavior.
11. The child wants to kiss and hug all the time OR has an intolerance of physical contact.
12. The child is irritable or has outbursts of anger.
13. The child is often worried.
14. The child withdraws from others.
15. The child doesn’t seem to identify with his own age group.
16. The child is no longer interested in formerly loved activities or hobbies.
17. The child seems to take on the parenting role.
18. The child’s appetite has changed.
19. The child’s personality has changed.
20. There have been behavioral changes at home and/or school.
21. The child has trouble concentrating in school or every day activities.
22. The child is afraid of going to sleep.
23. The child has trouble sleeping.
24. The child has nightmares.
25. The child is afraid of being alone.
26. The child has a fear of separation.
27. The child has a specific fear of males or females, or a specific person or place.
28. The child is afraid to have water on his face.
29. The child cowers in corners or frequently hides.

Children’s checklist adapted from Woar.org

Christina Enevoldsen

by Christina Enevoldsen

Sexual abuse is one of the most traumatic events that can happen to a child.  The way their disclosure is handled can make a difference in whether the discloser is a continuation of their trauma or the first step in healing.  Though it is difficult to believe that someone could hurt a child that way, children rarely make false accusations about their abuse.  It is easier to deny that abuse occurred because it’s a frightening thing to handle, even for adults, but imagine what it feels like for the child. 

It is extremely difficult for children to tell about their abuse for many reasons.  They usually feel shame and blame themselves for the abuse.  They may feel guilty if they received gifts or attention from the abuser or if they felt pleasure.  They usually feel not being believed and are probably very confused about what happened to them.  The child may also fear threats made by the perpetrator or fear that the abuser may get in trouble.

Your immediate response should be:

1. Remain calm.  Don’t show feelings of anger, shock or horror.  Children cannot always differentiate between your anger at the abuser and anger towards him.Tell the child you believe him and he was brave to tell you. 
2. Tell the child it was the right thing to tell you.
3. Tell the child it was not his fault and he did nothing wrong. 
4. Report the abuse.  If you are hesitant to call the police because you think there is not enough evidence, or that the crime isn’t serious enough to involve the police, call the police.  Let them decide if it is a valid case. 

For parents of abused children:

It’s heartbreaking to find out your child was sexually abused.  You may find that you are tempted to believe it didn’t happen, especially if the abuser is your partner, friend or relative.  You may also be tempted to blame the child in your attempt to process the news.  You may feel guilty for not protecting your child or angry at the abuser.   It is a very difficult thing to face, but remember that you are the parent.  As the parent, you are responsible for the well-being of your child and your child’s physical, mental and emotional health must be your focus.  If you can’t deal with the emotional difficulty, go to therapy.  But only go after you do the right thing and save your child.

If someone you know has abused your child, you must choose allegiance to your child.  It’s hard to believe someone you love could commit such a monstrous act, particularly on your own child.  They betrayed your trust and your child’s.   It is very painful to face, but do not allow your pain to keep you from acting.  Take your child away from the abuser.

If you are afraid to report it because it would end your marriage, choose to save your child instead of saving your marriage.  Your child is helpless. You and your spouse are not. 

Report the abuse to the police.  Many cities have special units that deal with family violence.  They can help you find resources for shelter and counseling. 

Your child trusts you to protect him. He trusts you to make the tough decisions and to shield him from harm.

It is extremely difficult to face this tragedy.  There are people who will help you through it.  But no one can help you or your child if they don’t know what’s going on.  Call the police.  They can put you in touch with a whole network in your community to help people in your situation.

How Can Abused Children be Helped?

1. The first thing parents can do to help their child heal from abuse is to provide their child with a safe environment.  That means no contact with the abuser. 
2. A child won’t just forget about this.  He needs help to process this serious trauma.  That help can come through an experienced counselor in working with children survivors of sexual abuse, through talking, writing or drawing about their feelings, or a number of other tools.  But time alone won’t erase the effects.  Ignoring it won’t heal them.  They need help. 
3. Children shouldn’t be forced to talk about the abuse.  Allow them to bring it up and be willing to listen when they do.  
4. Parents need to remember to take care of themselves so that they can be at their best for their children. 

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

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