Bethany Ruck is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Besides helping abuse survivors see the beauty within themselves, she enhances the beauty of others as a professional make-up artist and has worked in television, film and print.

[read Bethany's story here]

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I live close to Beverly Hills, the plastic surgery Mecca, where the question is, “Are they real?” I’m also a few blocks from where the Academy Awards and many film premieres are held, where celebrities smile for the cameras and wave confidently to the fans, yet we know many of them are shy, quiet and prefer solitude. It’s not always easy to determine what’s real and what’s not. Bethany Ruck, Penny Smith and I sat down to try to sort out the real from the not-so-real in our own lives.

Christina: For as long as I can remember, I’ve faced the challenges in my life as someone else. I’ve worn an internal costume of someone stronger and more capable. One I used often was a pioneer woman, able to brave the many hardships of the American frontier. Channeling a pioneer spirit made me feel stronger and braver.

Penny: I’ve done the same thing since I was a little girl. I’d pretend I was a pioneer or an immigrant, especially an Irish immigrant because I have so much Irish in me and I was always reading about the hardships they went through. Or I was a slave girl, somehow enduring things that were too difficult or scary for me. Someone brave and strong.

Bethany: Mine was a tough girl, someone you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley— one that you wouldn’t mess with because you know she’s going to fight back. Even if I wasn’t wearing my leather jacket, boots and heavy eyeliner, I’d be a tough girl with my attitude, the way I’d strut down the street or hold myself or the way I’d talk. Even in social situations, when I didn’t feel comfortable I’d be reserved and act snotty in a way that kept people away from me and made me feel protected.

Penny: I can relate to the tough girl mask, too. I am quiet and mild-mannered most of the time but I acted tough even when I was crying inside. I used to use a mask when I had to walk through the ghetto of Oakland everyday to my bus stop. I was totally freaked out inside but outside I was all tough girl.

Christina: Another role I played was a captive in a prison camp. I’d play that role even though I wasn’t even in a dangerous situation. One of the main times was when I was facing deadlines in my business. It was exhausting work but I knew if I pretended to be in a life threatening situation with cruel guards pointing guns at me, ready to shoot anyone who showed signs of weakness, I could go on.

Penny: Yes, anytime something came up that I didn’t think I could do—like giving a report in front of the class—I would imagine myself as someone else who was comfortable with public speaking and could do it well.

Bethany: I always felt a fake though. When people would say, “Oh, my God, you’re so strong,” I didn’t understand how anyone could say that when I felt like everything I was doing to be strong was a facade. That was very confusing.

Penny: I felt like I was falling apart on the inside even though I had the appearance of strength.

Bethany: Wearing the tough girl for so long made me think I was really her. I put myself in some bad situations because I thought I would be safe. I was unrealistic about my own safety because I had a false sense of security. I was actually more vulnerable because I made unwise decisions.

Penny: It got me into some scary situations, too. After doing it a few times, I thought I really could handle those things. One time, I got off work late and instead of waiting for a ride, I took the bus and had to walk through this bad part of town where all the drug dealers were out. When I got home they told me I was crazy.

Bethany: What I faced was very similar. I saw how much the facade did not protect me. It hurt me because people thought I was a bitch. I was so closed off and unapproachable. That’s the only way I knew to protect myself. It’s like what I did to try to protect myself from the sexual abuse.

Christina: I relate it to my abuse, too. The abuse told me I was powerless and the effects showed me how weak I was. The shame trained me to put myself down so it was hard to recognize the good, strong qualities I have. I had to see them outside of me.

Bethany: One day I realized how much of a facade I presented to the world and I cried because hardly anyone knew the real me. I was hiding myself. Now, I’m finding my own confidence and strength to stand up for myself. As I’ve internalized that part of me and sorted through the parts of tough girl that I want, such as her ability to fight back. I can still access those things, yet filter them my through wisdom and discernment.

Christina: I’m finding my confidence and strength, too. I realized that the roles I’ve “put on” aren’t really external; they are internal and something I “pull out”. I drew from a strength I didn’t know I had. I admired it elsewhere, yet I only connected with it because it was something I already owned. Maybe it was undeveloped or unrecognized, but it was mine. I wore it like a lie, but it’s really the truth—it felt fake, but it showed me a part of who I really am.

Penny: It’s so true what you say that all these things are part of us…they’re facets of ourselves. We have these inner strengths and this is the way that we’ve drawn on them when we’ve had to. If it wasn’t ours to begin with, we wouldn’t be able to use it. No matter how developed of an imagination we may have, we can’t actually turn ourselves into something that we’re not. Maybe someplace deep inside of me I am a good public speaker. Lol.

I remember one winter in South Dakota as a teenager coming upon a terrible car wreck. My friends and I were the first ones on the scene and none of us knew what to do. I was so scared but something inside me took over. I sent someone for help. Then, I headed for the overturned car on its top in the snowy ditch. On my way, I found a man lying tangled in the barbwire fence that the car had gone through. He had been thrown out and I could tell was hurt quite badly. I stopped, spoke to him, called for the others to bring a blanket for him and continued to the car. The car was on its roof and there was a man trapped behind the steering wheel. He was struggling and I told him not to move. After leaving a couple of friends there with orders to keep him talking, still and to not let him fall asleep, I went back to the man in the fence. I managed to get him untangled, to tie jackets and whatever I could get to stop the bleeding, piled anything I could on him to keep him warm and kept him awake until help finally came. The ambulance personnel actually asked if I had been trained in emergency response.

I was the quietest, shyest one of the bunch, but when faced with trauma, I was the only one able to respond. I have often thought about that and wondered why. It was truly like I became someone else….someone competent and able…two things I never saw myself as. So, yes, it makes sense that we do have these unplumbed, undeveloped strengths inside of us that we’ve been able to call upon when needed.

Christina: The more I looked back on the things I accomplished while I was playing a role, the more I saw evidence in my own life that I actually did have those qualities. It wasn’t a pioneer woman who accomplished those things in my life. It was me. I saw what I was capable of. They were very real qualities I had, yet hadn’t recognized, acknowledged, or developed. Once I did start to see that, it started to feel natural and real, like me. It didn’t feel fake anymore. I didn’t have to put on those roles, they weren’t separate from me anymore; they were parts of me.

Penny: As I’m getting to know myself, I’m realizing that I need my coping mechanisms less and less. I see myself more as someone who can deal with things head-on rather than someone that has to hide behind a mask to survive. As I become more self-aware some of these things sort of take care of themselves. Maybe it’s because I am seeing more of my inner strength as belonging to me and not something that I have to “pretend” or “put on.” The roles are indications of who we really are, so that helps us to get to know ourselves better.

Christina: Once we see ourselves for who we really are, we don’t have to live in fantasy. The reality is that we do have power to do something about the things that we’re intimidated by. We can improve our public speaking skills, we can take self defense courses, we can say no to dangerous situations, we can improve our social skills. We aren’t vulnerable and helpless anymore. Acknowledging the power we have gives us other options so we don’t have to rely on facades.

Related Posts:
How Can I “Be Myself” If I Don’t Know Who That Is?

The Real Problem With Being Fake

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Christina Enevoldsen

by Christina Enevoldsen

It was the first time in weeks since my husband and I had been on a date. Don held my hand and I rested my head on his chest while we waited in line for the planetarium show at Griffith Observatory.

The young couple a few feet in front of us caught my attention. The woman appeared to be about seven months pregnant and was struggling to reach the price sticker that her companion stuck on her upper back. The man with her seemed to delight in placing the sticker just out of her reach. Abuser. I immediately saw the scene play out in my head and cringed. They were both laughing, though she was noticeably frustrated. When the sticker fell off, he flicked her hair. She tried to smooth it out. He poked her in the stomach. She poked him back but he seized her arm and forced her to hit herself. When he let go, she grabbed his arms, but he easily broke free and gripped her wrists tightly enough to leave red marks. She gave up and he won.

It was easy to recognize the true motive behind the seemingly playful exchange. It was the same ‘game’ my ex-husband played. I’ve lived with abusers for most of my life and though I wouldn’t have called them abusers at the time, I’ve come to easily recognize the quest for power in everything they do.

My former spouse placed a high value on good food. Part of his image of a good wife meant being an excellent cook. I’m a good cook, though I didn’t know it when we were married. He convinced me I wasn’t very good. He pressured me into cooking, but he was constantly dissatisfied with what I made or how I made it. Sometimes, instead of eating what I made, he’d make something else. Other times, he’d take over the cooking as a ‘favor’ to me. He won no matter what. If I cooked, I lost because it wasn’t good enough. If he stepped in, I lost because I wasn’t a good wife.

That gave him power. I felt like a bad wife so whatever he did to me, I deserved it. In my eyes, he was tolerant of my inferior quality so I was lucky to have him.

I was terrorized by the way he handled our finances. I craved financial stability, but when I asked about our bills or bank account, he talked in circles. I felt stupid. He made major financial decisions without consulting me, yet dictated how I earned and spent money. When I refused to work for him, he shut down his lucrative business in retaliation. I was defeated and deflated, but blamed myself.

Being in a relationship with an abuser was extremely frustrating. It was like trying to figure out the rules to the game, but the rules kept changing. I knew our marriage had problems, but I thought I was the problem. No matter how hard I tried, it never helped.  I always felt like the loser.

In a healthy relationship, there is equality and mutual respect. Both people work for the benefit of each other. There’s a desire for communication, cooperation, participation, understanding, support and validation. When problems arise, they are solved together. Compromises are made. In a healthy relationship, nobody loses because neither party thinks in terms of winning or losing; it’s not a competition.

But you can’t have a healthy relationship with an abuser. Abusers must dominate. Everyone is either a superior or a subordinate; there are no equals. Abusers have no sense of personal power so they gain power by controlling others. Their personal worth is achieved by one-upmanship. If you try to assert your own power with an abuser, he will escalate until he wins.

The game you play with an abuser is really war. He may make light of things, “I was only joking,” or “You’re being too sensitive” but each move you make to explain yourself or question him is seen as an act of hostile aggression. The abuser thinks in terms of defending his territory. Attempts you make to understand the situation is a challenge to his power. He rarely shares his thoughts, feelings or plans and you don’t get the clarification you ask for because in the abuser’s eyes, that would make him vulnerable.

I know this about abusers now. Although my ex-husband was the most damaging abuser in my adulthood, he wasn’t the only one. I’ve had abusive friends, bosses, coworkers, teachers, and pastors. Abusers come in all packages, male and female, large and small. I’ve found them everywhere I go and they all seek power. But they won’t steal mine anymore.

Related Posts:
The Fear of Being Re-victimized
The Wolf in Shepherd’s Clothing: The “Benevolent” Abuser
Power Trip: How to Journey From Overpowered to Empowered

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

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Christina Enevoldsen

by Christina Enevoldsen

Does time heals all wounds?  I’ve heard many survivors of abuse try to soothe themselves by saying, “Soon, this will pass.” It does take time to heal—and lots of it. But time alone won’t repair the soul mutilation of abuse anymore than it will repair the destruction caused by an earthquake. Sexual abuse ravages the depths of your being and to be restored, you’ll need to face each wounded area.  Healing takes great quantities of perseverance, courage, strength and yes, time.

Recognizing the Abuse

The first step in beginning to heal from any kind of abuse is to recognize and acknowledge that it happened to you, and that it matters.  It’s very common to remember an unwanted sexual encounter, yet not recognize it as sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is when someone with less power is tricked, trapped, coerced, or bribed into any type of sexual experience. Power imbalance may result from the perpetrator’s age, size, position, experience, or authority and includes kissing, fondling, being forced to touch the abuser’s genitals, anal, oral or vaginal sex, and non-contact acts such as exhibitionism, exposure to pornography, voyeurism or sexual comments.

Though you may not label it as such, the effects are no less present. The attempt to deny the seriousness doesn’t limit the effects. Just the opposite is true. You may have low self-esteem as a result of your abuse and might not think it matters that you were hurt, but your life is important and you are worth the time and effort it takes to overcome this.

Gaining the Proper Perspective

While it’s common to see the abuse as less serious than it is, it’s also common to see the abuse as bigger than it is. The abuse leaves you feeling powerless. Often, that feeling carries into the healing process. The powerlessness causes you to think of yourself as less capable and weaker than you are. The effects of abuse can seem engulfing, yet you are stronger than the abuse or its effects. Your survival proves that. You’ve lived through the worst of it and the same strength that preserved your life will help you build a new one.

Facing the Effects and Envisioning a Better Future

It’s important to see how sexual abuse has affected your life. Go through the symptom checklist Possible Indicators of Sexual Abuse. Don’t get overwhelmed. Instead, recognize the symptoms of victimization for what they are. Once you recognize how much the abuse has affected you, you can see how much you have to gain by the healing process.

Sometimes it’s hard to visualize a life not consumed with abuse, but try to imagine yourself doing something that you weren’t able to do before.

Facing the Pain

The pain of abuse can be agonizing and incapacitating. Sometimes, it overtakes you and it’s impossible to think about anything else. At those times, pain seems like the enemy. You may try to avoid it through masking or stuffing. Pain won’t kill you, but failing to deal with the pain can limit or shorten your life.

Pain is a vital tool in healing and will only be eliminated as your wounds heal. It’s meant to be a signal to help you find the specific areas that need your protection, nurturing and attention. If you cooperate with your pain instead of fighting it, it will be your ally.

When you recognize a feeling emerging, try to identify when it started. Understanding the origin of the event or memory can help you process and work through the feeling.

Even if you don’t know why you feel the way you do, it’s still important to express your emotions. Masking or stuffing feelings won’t make them go away, only expressing them will.

Be careful not to judge your feelings. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They are helpful indicators of what you believe about your experience. You will likely experience anger and hatred and many other powerful emotions during this time. The more comfortable you become in allowing the feelings to surface, the easier your healing will be.

Gathering Your Resources

A support system is vital to your healing. Friends and family members, support groups and/or a therapist can fill this need. You can’t do this alone. You suffered alone for long enough and you need others around you to heal. Choose people who will take the time to listen without judgment and who help you feel safe.

Professionals who are familiar with sexual abuse issues not only provide support by listening but also by educating you on the process, though many survivors heal without professional counseling. If you choose not to seek therapy or can’t afford it, you will need to learn everything you can about the subject. Doing so will prepare you for the journey by telling you what to expect and by affirming your thoughts and feelings.  Here is a list of recommended reading. Even if you hire a therapist, you are responsible for educating yourself and for your own healing. Nobody can do it for you.

Taking the Plunge

You may be tempted to put your healing on hold while waiting for your abuser to apologize or your family to believe you.  Unfortunately, those things may never happen. Isn’t it time for you to be in control of your own life?  Don’t allow someone else to determine when your healing journey begins. Others may not choose to do what’s best for you, but you can.

Related Links:

Microwave Healing: I Want To Feel Better NOW

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

Does this resonate with you? Please join in by leaving your thoughts and feelings about this topic and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments.

Christina Enevoldsen

by Christina Enevoldsen

If a friend or family member tells you he or she was sexually abused, please consider the importance of your role in the healing process. Disbelief or disinterest from loved ones can intensify or prolong trauma from abuse. It is emotionally overwhelming when someone you love and trust doesn’t believe you or doesn’t care that something devastating has happened to you. Please note that this list is for adult survivors of sexual abuse. If a child discloses abuse to you, it is your responsibility to report it.

Survivors of abuse have a variety to reactions to the abuse. There is no right or wrong way for them to respond. They may cry and become depressed or become numb and push their feelings aside.

1. Let the survivor speak as much or as little as they feel comfortable with. Do not press for details and don’t try to change the subject until they are ready to move on.
2. Don’t invalidate their experience by sharing something from your own life that you think is similar. You may think you are communicating that you understand their pain, but don’t assume that you know how they feel.
3. Never question their experience. Assure them that you believe them and avoid questions like, “Are you sure?” Sometimes, you may know their abuser and view them as a good person, but “good people” can do bad things. You may also have conflicting allegiances if their abuser is your child or mate. It’s hard to believe someone they love could commit such a monstrous act, but the survivor was not at fault and needs your support.
4. Be careful in what emotions you express. Of course you are human and you are going to feel sad, confused or angry. However, you do not want the survivor to think you are angry with them or that they have to take care of you. Make sure you have a support system so you are taking care of yourself.
5. Ask what physical contact they would like. After being violated by touch, survivors may feel repulsed by touch or may want it.
6. Often a survivor knows their perpetrator. It may be a family member or close friend. Because there may be mixed emotions on the survivor’s part be careful not to condemn the person. Condemn their behavior, but leave the rest alone. It is an emotional process the survivor will have to go through in sorting out their feelings.
7. Do not make promises about the perpetrator going to jail. There are statutes of limitations to consider, the court process can be lengthy and you cannot control the outcome.
8. Don’t view the survivor as damaged. Sexual abuse carries a great deal of shame and they already feel different from others. Be sensitive to the wounded places, but see the difference between who they are and what has happened to them.
9. It is important to allow the survivor to have control over the situation. It is their decision if they want to go to counseling or contact the police. They have already lost control through the abuse and they need to regain it through healing in their own way at their own pace.
10. The survivor’s emotions may appear to be a roller coaster at times. There may be sadness one day, anger the next and avoidance after that. Do not assume that because they are not crying that they are not bothered by the abuse or that they are over it. A survivor may feel they are weak if they cry or are avoiding their emotions because they are not ready to feel the pain of the experience.
11. Educate yourself so you know what to expect. Do your own research on sexual abuse, the results and the healing process.
12. Don’t ask how long the process will take. They don’t know. They experienced a loss and need to be allowed to grieve. Allow them to grieve without trying to fix them. Don’t try to make them laugh when they’re sad.
13. Don’t say, “Just forgive him and let it go.” Or “Why try to dig up the past?” They aren’t trying to dig up the past just for your sympathy or attention. This is a life changing event and it can have serious consequences if it is not thoroughly dealt with. They can’t forget this. They need to face the pain so they can leave it there and move toward a better future.

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

Does this resonate with you? Please join in by leaving your thoughts and feelings about this topic and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments.

Listed below are some of the indicators of sexual abuse. Please note that one or more of these do not necessarily indicate abuse, but are merely indicators of possible abuse. There may be a variety of reasons for these symptoms.

Sexuality

1. I began masturbating at an early age.
2. As a child, I used to insert objects into my bottom, and I do not know where I learned to do this.
3. I seemed to know some things about sex even before they were explained to me.
4. I have never really been very interested in sex OR I’m preoccupied with thoughts about sex.
5. I can’t stand to be touched in certain sexual ways or areas of my body.
6. I have a strong aversion to certain sex acts OR I have a need for particular sex acts.
7. My experiences with sex are degrading or short-lived.
8. I freeze up or can’t say no when someone wants to be sexual with me.
9. I feel threatened when someone expresses sexual interest. All pursuit feels like a violation.
10. I have a sexual dysfunction, such as premature ejaculation, inability to have an orgasm, or pain during intercourse.
11. I feel as if there is something wrong or dirty about my sexuality.
12. There is only one way I can have an orgasm or one position that turns me on.
13. I have fantasies of sexual abuse during sex or sexual fantasies of dominance or rape.
14. I am or fanaticize about being a prostitute, stripper, sex symbol, or porn actress.
15. I have an erotic response to abuse or anger.
16. I have had promiscuous sex with strangers, but I’m unable to have sex in intimate relationships.
17. I tend to sexualize meaningful relationships.
18. I am compulsively seductive OR compulsively asexual.
19. I cry after an orgasm OR am impersonal and shutdown.
20. I cannot be sexual unless I am the aggressor.

Sleep

1. I am afraid of being alone in the dark or of sleeping alone.
2. I had or have recurring dreams.
3. I often have nightmares and night terrors (especially of pursuit, threat, or entrapment).
4. I remember vividly one or more nightmares from my childhood.
5. I have difficulty falling or staying asleep.
6. I sometimes wake up feeling as if I am choking, gagging, or being suffocated.
7. I have awakened from sleep trying to attack my partner.
8. Sometimes I fear or sense that someone is in my bedroom.
9. I often wake up frightened at the same time every night.

Fears and Attractions

1. I am frightened of one or more common household objects OR I have a strange affection or attraction to a common household object.
2. I would never go into a closet or any dark, confined space.
3. Basements or certain other spaces terrify me.
4. I am afraid to be alone or to leave my house.
5. When I was a child, I cowered in corners and liked to hide.
6. I hate going to the dentist more than most people.
7. I neglect my teeth.
8. My mouth seems repulsive to me.
9. I hate to have someone touch my hair.
10. I hate water on my face when bathing or swimming. It sometimes feels like I’m suffocating.
11. I am always alert to the possibility of sexual assault.
12. I don’t like making noise during sex, or while I cry or laugh.
13. I carefully monitor my words or my volume, especially when I need to be heard.
14. I am afraid to take risks OR I frequently take dangerous risks.
15. I’m afraid to get too emotionally close to anyone OR I get too close to people too fast, before I even know if I can trust them.

Eating Disturbances

1. I have had periods in my life when I couldn’t eat, or I had to force myself to eat.
2. Sometimes I binge on huge amounts of food.
3. Certain foods or tastes frighten me or nauseate me.
4. I am seriously underweight or overweight.
5. I gag or choke easily.
6. I make myself throw up, take laxatives, or exercise exhaustively to control my weight.

Body Problems

1. I do not take good care of my body.
2. Even if I think something might be wrong with me, I don’t go to the doctor.
3. I don’t feel connected with my body.
4. I hate the way my body looks.
5. I avoid looking in mirrors.
6. I wear clothing that covers up my body, either too much clothing or baggy clothes.
7. I wear clothes even while I swim, bath or sleep.
8. I need more privacy than most people when using the bathroom.
9. I have odd sensations in my genitals or rectum.
10. Whenever I think of a certain person from my childhood, I get a sensation in my genitals.
11. I sometimes feel physical pain or numbness associated with a particular memory, emotion, or situation.
12. I avoid going to the gynecologist, or I dread it terribly.
13. I have gastrointestinal problems, gynecological problems (including spontaneous vaginal infections), headaches, arthritis or joint pain.
14. When I was a child, I had frequent stomachaches or headaches.
15. When I was a child, I wet the bed.
16. When I feel threatened I sometimes feel detached from my body, like I am watching a scene from a movie.

Compulsive Behaviors

1. I sometimes hurt myself in a way that marks or sears my body.
2. I have an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
3. My drug or alcohol use started before I was thirteen.
4. I do some things to excess and I just don’t know when to quit.
5. I can’t seem to control myself when it comes to spending money or gambling.
6. I try to control things that don’t really matter, just to have control of something.
7. I need to have the feeling that I am in control of myself, others, or situations.
8. I have a strong need to protect what’s mine.
9. I have often taken foolish risks with my safety.
10. I pick at my body, often without even thinking about it.

Emotional Signals

1. I space out or daydream.
2. I have an extensive fantasy life. I imagine relationships or identities that I don’t have.
3. I feel the need to be invisible or to make as little trouble as possible.
4. I instinctively know and do what others want or need without having to be told.
5. I don’t know why people would want to be nice to me. I have a high appreciation of small favors by others.
6. I often feel like I have no right to set limits or to say no.
7. I seem to have a pattern of being victimized, especially sexually.
8. I have a pattern of having relationships with a much older person, which started in adolescence.
9. I feel the need to be perfect OR I feel the need to be perfectly bad.
10. It is difficult for me to recognize, own, or express anger.
11. I am constantly angry.
12. I have an intense hostility toward an entire gender or ethnic group of the perpetrator.
13. To smile or laugh means I am losing control.
14. I often feel like I am being watched.
15. I get nervous when I am being watched.
16. I tend to be secretive.
17. I don’t like surprises.
18. I startle easily.
19. When I am in crisis, I go into shock and shutdown.
20. Sometimes really violent or strange pictures flash through my mind.
21. I feel a sense of doom, as though my life will end in tragedy or disaster.
22. I get nervous when I am happy and tend to sabotage it.
23. I have the feeling that if I am happy, it’s not real or won’t last.
24. I have unexplained bouts of depression or I cry without knowing the reason.
25. The pain in my life seems too big compared to my known history.
26. I have a strong sense that something terrible has happened to me or that I carry an awful secret.
27. I have the feeling that no one will listen to me, though I have an urge to tell OR a strong fear that my secret will be revealed.
28. There is a blank period in my childhood when I can remember nothing.
29. Other people seem to have childhood memories at an earlier age than I do.
30. I feel different from everyone else; I feel that I’m not real and everyone else is or vice versa.
31. I feel marked, like I am wearing a scarlet letter.
32. I have multiple personalities.
33. I have the feeling that I am crazy.
34. There have been times when I had suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide, including “passive suicide”.
35. Nothing seems very real sometimes.
36. I am not in touch with my feelings, I am usually numb.
37. I identify with abuse victims in the media, and often stories of abuse make me want to cry.
38. I have a desire to change my name, either to get away from my abuser or to take control through self-labeling.
39. I have a strong need to believe that nothing bad happened to me. “Maybe it’s my imagination.”
40. I tend to minimize the bad things that were done to me. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Adapted from symptom checklist from “Repressed Memories” by Renee Fredrickson, Ph.D. and Incest Survivors’ Aftereffects Checklist from “Secret Survivors” by E. Sue Blume.

Indicators of Abuse in Children

1. The child masturbates in public.
2. The child began masturbating at an early age.
3. The child plays with toys in a sexual way.
4. The child touches others’ private parts.
5. The child talks about body parts in a way that seems inappropriate.
6. The child has genital discomfort or rashes.
7. The child has had blood in his diaper or underwear.
8. The child has frequent stomach aches, headaches and sore throats.
9. The child wets the bed or wets himself in public.
10. The child has regressed to earlier stages of behavior.
11. The child wants to kiss and hug all the time OR has an intolerance of physical contact.
12. The child is irritable or has outbursts of anger.
13. The child is often worried.
14. The child withdraws from others.
15. The child doesn’t seem to identify with his own age group.
16. The child is no longer interested in formerly loved activities or hobbies.
17. The child seems to take on the parenting role.
18. The child’s appetite has changed.
19. The child’s personality has changed.
20. There have been behavioral changes at home and/or school.
21. The child has trouble concentrating in school or every day activities.
22. The child is afraid of going to sleep.
23. The child has trouble sleeping.
24. The child has nightmares.
25. The child is afraid of being alone.
26. The child has a fear of separation.
27. The child has a specific fear of males or females, or a specific person or place.
28. The child is afraid to have water on his face.
29. The child cowers in corners or frequently hides.

Children’s checklist adapted from Woar.org