The dictionary states: Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life.

I take this as meaning that I have to believe in a positive outcome. I have to believe in the healing methods in order to overcome the effects of my abuse. I have to believe.

I’ve always had someone or something invade my thoughts about hope. My abuser told me, “I know you are hoping that you can escape from me, but you won’t.” “I know you think you are smarter than me, but you’re not.” “I know you think you can stop me, but you can’t.”

When my daughter had leukemia, the doctors told me, “There is no reason to hope because she will die.” “I don’t want you to waste your energy on having false hope, you need to prepare yourself for her death.” “You think you are in hope, but you are actually in denial.”

My family told me, “Just get through high school. You’ll wind up getting married anyway.” “No, you can’t move back home, you made your bed, now lay in it.”

The loudest voices came from inside me. “I deserved to be abused.” “If I was a better wife, maybe he wouldn’t beat me.” “I have nowhere to go, I might as well just take it.” “If the kids would pick up their socks, I wouldn’t get so angry.” “If I smoke enough pot, I can drown out the pain.”

Now that I know there is a way to change my belief system into a new me, the voices still continued. It was a constant battle within me. Like the good angel and evil devil sitting on each shoulder. One would tell me I can do it. The other would tell me to give up. I battled with this for a long time. I would make great steps in healing, and then I would pull back. Take a few more steps, then pull back.

I remembered a dream I had shortly after my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. A robber broke into my home and grabbed my daughter. I heard a voice say, “If a robber came into your home and grabbed your daughter, what would you do?” In the dream I said, “I would fight with everything in me.” The voice said, “Then fight and choose life.”

It was this dream that kept me fighting for my daughter’s life. I spoke life into her. I wouldn’t allow any negative talk around her. The doctors and nurses were not allowed to talk about her prognosis in her room. Family and friends who visited were only allowed to speak life around her. I spoke daily to her about her future. She would ride a bike, go to college, get married and have babies. To this day, she doesn’t remember being sick, but she does remember believing that she would be okay.

This is what brought hope back to me. This is why I refuse to allow a negative thought in. If I can fight for my daughter’s life, then I need to fight for mine. This is a life and death choice as far as I am concerned. It’s dying to the old and living for the new. It’s saying goodbye to the voices of defeat, blame and shame and saying hello to the voices of value and worth, ability and trust, love and justice, creativity, knowledge, assertiveness and boundaries.

We have to believe in the steps we are taking toward healing. We have to have hope that we can overcome the effects of our abuse. It is more than just believing in hope, it is doing everything it takes to achieve healing. Re-visiting our abuse, reliving the pain, the emotions, the thoughts, and how we reacted to that abuse. It’s learning how to live a life with boundaries and making decisions. It’s accepting healthy relationships and learning how to trust. It’s doing. It’s being a partner with healing.

When the voices of defeat whisper in our ear, we need to be strong enough to tell them to shut up. To not obey them, and to have the courage to overcome them. It’s refusing to allow defeat to hold us back and keep us from hoping for a better life and a much improved us.

We are free now. And as adults, we are able to choose life. We are able to choose a new life.

Patty Hite is one of five facilitators of Overcoming Sexual Abuse. A survivor of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, Patty has been tenaciously pursuing her healing for over thirty years. She’s a passionate advocate for all survivors and dedicates her life to inspiring emotional wholeness in others. As a former victim of spousal abuse, she’s delighted to find true love with her husband of ­­­­five years. She’s blessed with four children and six grandchildren.

[read Patty's story here]

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Do you give more time to other’s healing than you give to your own? Are you so tired from reaching out to fellow survivors that you don’t take care of yourself? Join Christina Enevoldsen and Patty Hite for this ten minute audio discussion as they share “How To Help Others Without Hurting Yourself.”

Patty Hite is one of five facilitators of Overcoming Sexual Abuse. A survivor of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, Patty has been tenaciously pursuing her healing for over thirty years. She’s a passionate advocate for all survivors and dedicates her life to inspiring emotional wholeness in others.  As a former victim of spousal abuse, she’s delighted to find true love with her husband of ­­­­five years. She’s blessed with four children and five grandchildren.
 
Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

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Christina Enevoldsen

by Christina Enevoldsen

Sexual abuse is one of the most traumatic events that can happen to a child.  The way their disclosure is handled can make a difference in whether the discloser is a continuation of their trauma or the first step in healing.  Though it is difficult to believe that someone could hurt a child that way, children rarely make false accusations about their abuse.  It is easier to deny that abuse occurred because it’s a frightening thing to handle, even for adults, but imagine what it feels like for the child. 

It is extremely difficult for children to tell about their abuse for many reasons.  They usually feel shame and blame themselves for the abuse.  They may feel guilty if they received gifts or attention from the abuser or if they felt pleasure.  They usually feel not being believed and are probably very confused about what happened to them.  The child may also fear threats made by the perpetrator or fear that the abuser may get in trouble.

Your immediate response should be:

1. Remain calm.  Don’t show feelings of anger, shock or horror.  Children cannot always differentiate between your anger at the abuser and anger towards him.Tell the child you believe him and he was brave to tell you. 
2. Tell the child it was the right thing to tell you.
3. Tell the child it was not his fault and he did nothing wrong. 
4. Report the abuse.  If you are hesitant to call the police because you think there is not enough evidence, or that the crime isn’t serious enough to involve the police, call the police.  Let them decide if it is a valid case. 

For parents of abused children:

It’s heartbreaking to find out your child was sexually abused.  You may find that you are tempted to believe it didn’t happen, especially if the abuser is your partner, friend or relative.  You may also be tempted to blame the child in your attempt to process the news.  You may feel guilty for not protecting your child or angry at the abuser.   It is a very difficult thing to face, but remember that you are the parent.  As the parent, you are responsible for the well-being of your child and your child’s physical, mental and emotional health must be your focus.  If you can’t deal with the emotional difficulty, go to therapy.  But only go after you do the right thing and save your child.

If someone you know has abused your child, you must choose allegiance to your child.  It’s hard to believe someone you love could commit such a monstrous act, particularly on your own child.  They betrayed your trust and your child’s.   It is very painful to face, but do not allow your pain to keep you from acting.  Take your child away from the abuser.

If you are afraid to report it because it would end your marriage, choose to save your child instead of saving your marriage.  Your child is helpless. You and your spouse are not. 

Report the abuse to the police.  Many cities have special units that deal with family violence.  They can help you find resources for shelter and counseling. 

Your child trusts you to protect him. He trusts you to make the tough decisions and to shield him from harm.

It is extremely difficult to face this tragedy.  There are people who will help you through it.  But no one can help you or your child if they don’t know what’s going on.  Call the police.  They can put you in touch with a whole network in your community to help people in your situation.

How Can Abused Children be Helped?

1. The first thing parents can do to help their child heal from abuse is to provide their child with a safe environment.  That means no contact with the abuser. 
2. A child won’t just forget about this.  He needs help to process this serious trauma.  That help can come through an experienced counselor in working with children survivors of sexual abuse, through talking, writing or drawing about their feelings, or a number of other tools.  But time alone won’t erase the effects.  Ignoring it won’t heal them.  They need help. 
3. Children shouldn’t be forced to talk about the abuse.  Allow them to bring it up and be willing to listen when they do.  
4. Parents need to remember to take care of themselves so that they can be at their best for their children. 

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

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