confronting my abuser

How I Decided To Go No Contact With My Abuser Father

No Contact With My Abuser

By Carissa Magras

As any little girl, I loved my daddy very much. He was a high school athletic coach. He was funny. Everyone admired him and I was proud to call him dad. We even had our own little secret that no one else knew: From the time I was in Kindergarten up until my senior year, this man who Creation gave to protect and care for me, sexually and emotionally abused me.

Turning 18 brought about a previously unknown confidence and independence. Suddenly, I was determined to protect myself from my dad. I no longer wanted to be a victim, but I still wanted my dad in my life. So for the next 7 years I limited our interactions so that my dad and I were never alone together. I built massive internal walls, and worked hard to keep the abuse at bay. With a level of alertness liken to that of an air traffic controller, I was constantly watching and listening, painfully cautious and on-edge.

One day my husband was talking to a friend on the phone about a recent situation in which my dad lashed out at us for moving away due to a job change. “I’ve never seen him act this way”, Brandon said to his friend. Without a thought I immediately exclaimed, “You have never seen him this way because I haven’t let you.”

Confronting My Abuser

confronting my abuser

I didn’t actually plan to confront my dad. I didn’t think it would do me any good.

I wrote this several years ago:

“My dad has displayed his selfishness for as long as I’ve known him.  I’m not under some delusion that he’ll suddenly develop a conscience and confess how he hurt me.  He covered up the abuse when it happened without regard for how that would hurt me. He’s still doing that now.  Holding out hope for some kind of healthy, compassionate response from him would keep me under his control and I’ve spent too many years there.  I’ve moved on without involving him.  He’s the one who would have destroyed me; he’s not the one to repair me.”

Before my phone discussion with my dad, I hadn’t talked with him in four years. I hadn’t expected to ever talk with him again. I’d been healing just fine without him and since my dad and mom walked away from me before specific memories of the sexual abuse surfaced, I didn’t think I’d have the opportunity to stand up to him anyway.