Comments for Overcoming Sexual Abuse

Comment on Do Kids Miss Out While Parents Heal? by Britta

Britta — Mon, 20 May 2013 18:06:40 +0000

Hi,

So I have 2 daughters (2 and 4) and I am in the midst of my 3rd therapy. This time I am going through lifespan integration and it has helped. I have started working on much deeper levels which is good. I also have learned what my triggers are. My question is, how can I parent well, raise my little ones to have a strong self esteem while going through all this. While I recognize my triggers (lots of them are control issues) I don’t always handle them well and I get so irritable and lose patience over nothing. My daughters are too young to understand. My older one is very sensitive to other peoples feelings and as soon as I have a bad day, I can see it affecting her. Then I feel guilty and bad…My therapist tells me to take a time out, breathe and explain to them, sometimes mommy needs a time out as well. Yet, I am tired of being the one with all the issues…I guess I am preaching to the choir…Any tips? I love my daughters more than life itself and I want them to be strong with a healthy self esteem but how can I teach them when I am struggling myself?

Comment on When An Abuser Dies by Julie Anne

Julie Anne — Sun, 19 May 2013 17:57:37 +0000

My dad’s health started failing about 10 years ago. That was when I decided to try to reconcile with him. However, lately I am remembering how I was 10 years ago and the kind of person I am now. I feel like I was better off then–more emotionally equipped to handle life.

If it weren’t for my sisters being born in the early 1990s, I would have stopped talking to my dad a long time ago. I’ve been wondering if I made a huge mistake trying to reconcile with him now. His health is getting worse and I’m starting to see traits of what he was like while I was still living at home.

There was a time when I believed he was genuinely sorry for what he has done. He even seemed to be living somewhat of a healthier life–involving people in it and not isolating himself. Then, I didn’t worry as much. However, the secret is out and social services knows what he has done to me.

By the way…

He fled from where I am from to up north when he first found out the crime he committed was investigated. I wonder to this day if he ever did anything to my sisters, but have no way of knowing because they are disabled and can barely even talk. How would I ever know the truth?

Comment on Reclaiming My Self After Sexual Abuse by Christine

Christine — Sun, 19 May 2013 16:32:35 +0000

Caden
Thank you so much, you have no idea how much you have helped me with your blog and responses. I started my own blog and quoted you on something in there too. I still have some sympathy for my parents and probably always will. They just lost their bussiness I have no idea what happened and try not to feel bad but I still care just a little. Anyway again thank you

Comment on Reclaiming My Self After Sexual Abuse by Caden

Caden — Sat, 18 May 2013 22:32:41 +0000

Daisy, thanks. I agree, forgiveness has nothing to do with my healing process and I make abundant progress without it. The ‘rules’ and ‘warnings’ that many people repeat about having to forgive and the supposed danger of letting ourselves feel anger are really sad to me.

take care,
-Caden.

Comment on Reclaiming My Self After Sexual Abuse by Caden

Caden — Sat, 18 May 2013 22:04:37 +0000

Shen, thank you!

Melissa, thanks for sharing your journey. I can really relate to the sentiment that pushing it away and forgetting about it is not the goal. I repressed the memories of incest for most of my life, and I want to integrate, not re-repress that information and those feelings today.

Comment on Reclaiming My Self After Sexual Abuse by Caden

Caden — Sat, 18 May 2013 21:59:42 +0000

Christine, it is devastating, I know, to be re-traumatized by people who want to shame or harass us for our decisions or tell us the abuse is our fault. What that girl did to you was terrible. I also opened up to the wrong people a few times, and I paid for that. Over the years since my estrangement, I’ve found the best tool is really choosing the right people to be around, more then precisely what I said. Trying to pick friends that don’t feed into the old patterns and systems I grew up with, but the new ones I’m trying to build. I find that just saying ‘I don’t have any family, they were abusive’ is fine for most interactions. If someone is a really close friend though, we should be able to talk to them about it without worrying about being put down. It’s also perfectly ok to draw a boundary and say, ‘I don’t want to talk about that’ if someone starts moralizing on the importance of family.

There’s another article on OSA that discusses this topic: http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/12/12/my-parents-are-dead-to-me/

Comment on Reclaiming My Self After Sexual Abuse by Christine

Christine — Sat, 18 May 2013 13:54:18 +0000

Dear caden,
Something I forgot earlier. What do I tell my friends who dont understand why I dont speak with the family anymore? They seem to think that I am a stubborn child and that I gave up too easy and family is too important. I just cant be around the people who ruined my childhood. I just dont know what to do about it. I dont want to tell everyone what happened. Every time I told someone a friend or something in the past they judged me and thought I was lying to get attention. Although I was only a teenager then I am still afraid that this will happen again. There was one person I told when it was still in the beginning and not as bad and she then stole my cell phone and called me harrassing me telling me how much I enjoy it and she is going to tell everyone . It was extremely traumatizing and If I would have had the guts I would have comitted suicide at 9 years old. Then when I was 16 I got pregnant with my bf and she spread rumors saying it was my brothers baby boy I was mad. Im not even in the same country as her I dont understand why she would say things about me at all.

Comment on Perpetuating the Abusive Cycle by Julie Anne

Julie Anne — Sat, 18 May 2013 11:33:40 +0000

I am relieved to know that this blog exists, and that the poster is willing to do it even under a real name. I myself did not have the courage to actually attach my real name to posts about abuse until the past month. The exception was of ones I was very vague about and not mentioning straight up that it’s sexual abuse that I’m talking about.

I myself have only been publishing posts about this subject in a more open manner. I was scared to do it, but this blog is an inspiration–just to know that other people are brave enough to speak out their stories. I shared here a similar situation. I’m struggling now because no one ever did anything about the abuse that was inflicted on me and lately my dad was complaining about “injustice” done to him by social services. Even if it was injustice, he has to remember all the times he did get off Scott free for things he’s done. (That’s what my link to the post included in the website field is about.)

I commend you for standing up for your daughter. I forgave my mom for not doing the same, but am right now wishing that something had been done before my sisters were born. I am going to share submit that story to this blog for consideration later.

Comment on Why Do I Need to Tell? by Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sat, 18 May 2013 04:30:19 +0000

Nicole,
Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve often wondered how I survived as a child too, with all that pain and not being able to express it or stop the source of it. Lying to ourselves was one of the only ways to survive it.

Have you talked with your therapist about whether to talk to your mom or not? That might be a good thing to work through to figure out the best thing for you.

Christina

Comment on Reclaiming My Self After Sexual Abuse by Daisy

Daisy — Sat, 18 May 2013 02:39:26 +0000

Hi Caden

Thank you for putting my feelings into words.

“Something that has really helped me was coming to the conclusion that the abuse is not really my secret, but the secret of my abusers. I didn’t abuse anyone, and it wasn’t my fault, so I don’t deserve any shame and I have no obligation to hide the crimes of my family. Our abusers were disgusting, and we have don’t have to forgive them.”

This part of you reply to Elese pretty much sums up my feelings towards my FOO today. Forgiveness is often said to be the catalyst to healing and recovery. This hasn’t been my experience, in fact I’ve made great progress in the last few years without forgiving the people who refuse to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused.

Like you, part of what has enabled me to heal has been to face the truth of what happened and understand that it wasn’t my fault, I was just a child. Now every day is getting better and better.

Thank you for your beautiful writing.