When I remember holidays with my family, I think of stress. The image that comes to mind is everyone else laughing and having a great time, while I was miserable. I don’t remember many holidays as a child, but as an adult, holidays used to be times of emotional abuse from my parents, mostly my dad, and from my ex-husband.

While we were married, the usual pattern for my ex was to work up my emotions right before we arrived at my parent’s house. He’d feign a misunderstanding or falsely accuse me of something or criticize me–whatever would upset me. By the time we arrived, I’d be on the verge of tears or I’d be angry. Then my parents would correct my bad attitude and all three of them would join against me for ruining the special day. My daughter, Bethany, and I were both the targets of comments about our weight or other parts of our appearance and whatever other “weakness” my dad could find.

In our healing from abuse, Bethany and I have learned a few things about getting through this stressful time of year. Now we know that we deserve to have a nice drama free holiday. We haven’t had a relationship with most of our family members in a few years and we celebrate the holiday differently each year–but each year, we make decisions based on what’s good for us rather than what tradition dictates or what is “expected” of us.

Being a child in a dysfunctional family taught me that I’m responsible for others and that caring for myself is wrong. I had a tendency to take care of other people’s feelings and to neglect my own. When I focus on them, I lose clarity about me.

I used to think people earned certain rights to me if they were “nice”. If they gave me gifts or said kind things to me, I believed that gave them access to me and that I couldn’t say no. But I’ve learned that nobody has the right to buy me or rent me through “loving” things they do. Love that comes with obligation isn’t really love.

I don’t have to label my family as abusive to justify not spending the holiday with them or to set boundaries with them. I’ve been in many relationships–with family and otherwise–where I didn’t feel comfortable walking away until I could prove they’d done something wrong. Now I know that I don’t have to be with anyone I don’t want to be with. I have permission to decide how to spend my time and who I spend it with. I don’t have to label them as bad to separate from them and being separate doesn’t make me bad.

Bethany and I have taken years to feel comfortable saying no without the need to offer an explanation or excuse. We’ve gotten better at saying “yes” to ourselves a little at a time. Now we are confident that we are adults and don’t need permission from anyone to chose what’s best for ourselves.

If you do chose to attend your family’s gathering, here are some tips we’ve found helpful:

1. Empower yourself by acknowledging the choices that you have and by deciding on your boundaries beforehand.

“I’ll join them, but I’m only going to stay for two hours.”
“If they start talking about embarrassing things I’ve done, I’m going to leave.”
“I’ll go but if they start getting drunk I’m leaving.”

2. Take an ally with you.

If your family treats you like a child, it’s easy to fall back into that role. Taking a friend can ground you to the present day and remind you that you’re an adult with choices. That may help you resist falling back into patterns of the past. Having an ally may help you feel more confident to walk away from poor treatment or to stand up to it.

Also, some family members may not be as likely to be abusive or disrespectful if you have someone with you who cares about you. They may not want a “witness” or anyone who would confirm how devaluing their treatment is.

3. Have an escape plan.

Make sure you have your own transportation and can leave anytime.
Only ride with someone who is willing to leave with you at any time or else have the number to a taxi service.

4. Know what coping methods to use and what not to use.

If you need to stay away from the adult drama, play with the children or keep busy by helping in the kitchen. Drinking won’t help you to stay empowered and may make you more vulnerable. Stay present so you can monitor the situation and your feelings and take action if necessary. If you feel the need to drink, let that be an indication that you are feeling stress about something and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

5. Plan another place to go in case you do need to leave.

Have a backup plan that’s nurturing. If you go home, have food prepared. Have a choice of comforting or empowering things to do–like watching movies or something else that you enjoy doing. Finish a project if you feel up to it or call a friend. If you’d prefer to be with a friend, let your friend know ahead of time that you may show up at his or her house and that you may not want to talk or you may need to talk things out.

I haven’t been around my family in years, but when I spoke to my father a few months ago, it stirred up a lot of emotions. First, I felt exhilarated for standing up to him. I was so proud of myself and I was on a high for a few days. Then, I reached a new level of truth and grief came with it. I realized in a deeper way that my dad would never love me or be the father that I wanted.

The encounter with my dad was on my terms and it was helpful to my healing, but it still left me exhausted. During that time, I took special care of myself. I reached out to supportive people and was more gentle with myself than usual. I ate healthy food and got a lot of rest. I never know what feelings will come up when I have contact with my “family”. Sometimes, I don’t feel much of anything and sometimes hearing from one of them stirs up a plethora of emotions. Often, I have a delayed reaction. Whatever my response, I’m careful to give myself the love that I never got from them.

Bethany and I no longer feel victimized by the people who supposedly love us and we choose to spend the holidays in ways that empower us. We wish the same thing for you this year. Whether or not you have a supportive family, we hope you know you’re not alone this holiday season. Your Overcoming Sexual Abuse family is always here for you. Happy Holidays!

In the spirit of the holidays, would you consider helping us meet our expenses? We need to cover our budget by the end of the year and we need your help. No matter the size of your tax-deductable donation, we very much appreciate it. The donate button is on the top right of this page and it’s fast and easy to use. Thank you!

Now that you’ve heard our experiences and thoughts about this, we’d love to hear yours. Please comment below and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments so you can continue to participate in the ongoing discussion. If you would like to protect your privacy, you don’t have to use your real name. Email addresses are never made public.

Related Posts:
Pain Surrounding the Holiday
I’m Re-gifting Christmas
Grieving & Celebrating Father’s Day
Unfriending My Abuser
What If My Family Rejects Me? Part III
Profile of an Abusive Family
My Parents Are Dead (To Me)

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and five grandchildren.

Bethany Ruck is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Besides helping abuse survivors see the beauty within themselves, she enhances the beauty of others as a professional make-up artist and hair stylist and works in television, film and print.

Conversely, when a child is believed and supported in childhood, the effects of the abuse are significantly diminished. Many parents don’t learn about the abuse until their child is grown, but understanding and support remain important even for adult survivors.

We asked survivors to share their stories and feelings about their abuse and the rejection of their parents. This is a collection of their thoughts, from their hearts, in their own words. For their full stories, you can read here.

Hear Me
I want more than anything for my mother to HEAR me…Just HEAR me. I was told to shut up. From that I learned that I didn’t have a voice. I was never safe in my own home, nor was I ever protected. I was stripped of MY innocence. What could I have done so bad to deserve that abuse? I still can’t get my mother to see the pain I’m in.

Don’t Tell Me To Be Strong–YOU Be Strong
Dear Mom,
When I was little, you let me know that I could never go to you with a problem. You would yell at me whenever I asked, “Mom?” If I even had the courage to go on and ask you or tell you what I wanted to, you’d yell at me, “Ahh, great, just great! Don’t you think I have enough problems?” I was seven, Mom. And since I was seven, I’ve been trying not to be a problem, Mom.

And when I spoke up, where were you? When I talked to that detective, that night, I didn’t cry on your shoulder, you cried on mine, you asked me to forgive you. I was exhausted, I just wanted to sleep…You never asked me if I was okay, or if I wanted to talk about it sometime, or if it was even okay for you to touch me at all, you just drenched my shoulders in your tears. I was the strong one for you. You had been devastated by the truth that your child was the victim, but instead of helping me, you asked me to make you feel better… so I did… I told you it was okay, that you were okay.

You have never let me talk to you about it because you get too emotional about it. Suck it up! It happened to ME! I WENT THROUGH IT, and YOU can’t EVEN stand to hear it? How DARE you expect ME to be STRONG when YOU can’t even LISTEN to ME!

Believe Me
My mother used to be one of my best friends. I disclosed everything to her shortly after the memories of the abuse started resurfacing as an adult. I expected her to believe and support me. I was shocked when she didn’t.

She never blatantly accused me of lying because she had decided that there must be something mentally wrong with me. It was easier for her to believe I was crazy than to believe that my father had molested and raped me until I was twelve.

I’ve made tremendous progress with my healing in a relatively short period of time. But it feels like I’m having to heal from so much more than just the abuse. For the first time ever, I’m seeing my mother’s role in all of this. I don’t believe she knew what was happening. But she saw a depressed, withdrawn five year old who would fly into rages toward her father, only her father—a five year old who had insomnia and night terrors almost nightly—a five year old who was suicidal and hurting herself.

My mother did nothing then. But I’ve forgiven her for that. I’ve begged HER to let go of the past and make different, healthier choices right now. To be my mother now, to see, hear, believe and support me now. Her response was that she would never stop supporting him, even if he was a demon from hell. She said she made vows that she will always respect and honor, even if he did rape me for years. She said she believes that is the right choice, that God will support that decision. Really? Really? I love this woman so deeply and I mean so little to her? I’ve always meant so little to her?

Her reaction to my disclosure, her disbelief, her twisting reality around, her not caring about me has been the hardest, most devastating aspect of my healing process. At times, her rejection feels even more traumatizing than the actual abuse. I’m learning that just like my father, I lost her decades ago when she decided it was easier for her to just stop looking at me. My heart is so completely broken.

What would it mean to me if my mom supported my healing? Made an effort to understand my pain? Stopped telling me I was crazy? I would feel safe and protected, the way I was never able to feel as a child. I would know that I was worth being saved, even if she didn’t see it then. I would feel loved. My inner child, that child who endured a horrific crime would finally be able to hold her mommy’s hand and feel comfort.
Nikki Kluj

Don’t Expect Me To Make The Decisions–You’re the Adult
I had been fantasizing about my disclosure for years. I had dropped subtle hints to teachers and trusted adults, which were either ignored or which went right over their heads. What I wished for more than anything was someone to say, “I will protect you as best I can, and I am proud of you for the courage it took to say these words to me. I will be here for you if you need me, whether to talk or not talk, to cry or not cry, and to know you are safe.”

I decided to disclose everything to my mother, but I knew that my “father” was also home. I was late coming home and when I walked in the door, I was bombarded with angry faces and words, so I shouted out, “You want to know why I’m home late? I was trying to decide whether to go to the police because dad has been sexually abusing me for years!”

She could not make a decision to “break up the family” on her own, and they told me that I would decide what happens next. As a seventeen year old, what I wanted was safety and validation and love. At the same time, I didn’t want my siblings or extended family to blame me for causing a family riff. I told them I just wanted to be left alone, wishing she would say that she had decided to leave him, but knowing unless I could say the words that wanted to come out so badly, “LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM!” Nothing would change. I could NOT, in fact, make these words come out.

Sexual abuse of a child is an uncomfortable subject. I get that. But sexual abuse of YOUR CHILD is something that YOUR CHILD will deal with on some level for the rest of his or her life. Wishing it away does not work. Making the subject feel taboo (even in subtle ways) is something that can scar YOUR CHILD perhaps as much as the abuse itself. If you can’t find a way to open yourself up to the needs your healing child has, please find someone to help you learn how to do so. Your support or lack of support can make a huge difference in the adult your child becomes.
Alisa Whitmer-Wynn

Pay Attention to My Pain
I was sexually assaulted at age eight by a babysitter’s teenage son and molested repeatedly over several months after that. From the time that I told my mother about the sexual abuse, not only did she not ask me what had happened to me, but completely moved on, and eventually moved our family across the street from the babysitter’s family for her own convenience. I had to be in close proximity to the abuser and his family, who teased and mocked me.

My father knew I wasn’t being treated well at home, and did I nothing to help me. When I looked to him for support because of the sexual abuse, he blew me off, like I was asking him for something trivial.

Both my parents EXPECT me to keep in contact with them and GIVE the privileges other grandparents have. They mostly seem inclined to blame me for being estranged from them, or behave as if we are on some kind of two-way street. No way, not when it comes to my children. From where I’m sitting at this time in my life, that would not be wise for me or my family, especially since they have still failed to earn my trust, by making no effort to change.
Anonymous

Don’t Blame Me
My dad had the privilege of knowing my vulnerabilities and weaknesses and unfortunately used this sacred knowledge to his benefit when he wanted to hurt me…He accused me of being cold and unwelcoming, of shutting him out throughout my teenage years. His tone was much like a little boy who felt rejected, spitting and spewing and crying on his own offspring.

Finally, finally, I got the courage to start asking my mom questions, looking for that shred of leftover childhood hope that somehow she would rescue me. My wish was that we could travel back in time and she would rescue me from him. She responded with, “I told your father not to drink so much.” And “Well, I wasn’t going to divorce Daddy.” Then in the same conversation, “Absolutely not—that never happened.”

So, why do I have to teach THEM? Why do I have to open up my heart and mind for MORE poisonous confusion? Sexual abuse is the ultimate betrayal between a parent and a child and it cuts to the core. It’s not about “getting over it” or maintaining a relationship with sick people. It’s about me putting all my energies towards healing myself whether THEY understand, support, disavow, condemn or even, still love me after the truth is spoken.
Phoenix Rising

Sit With Me In My Pain
My experience is a little different but my needs are still the same. I was sexually abused by both parents and it was very hard to begin the healing process. I felt I was crazy and that no one would believe me.

Tell Me I’m Worthy of Protection
All I ever wanted from my mom was love and nurturing but all I got was hate and blame. I told my mom what was happening when I was twelve. She said, “Oh well” and went to bed, never doing anything to help me at all. My Grandma told the cops. They believed me, but my mother told the detective that my grandma and grandpa put words in my mouth, so he didn’t believe me.

I have no contact with father’s family now and see my mom twice a year but only when I’m with someone. It’s been hard because my real mother and father never loved me so how can anyone? Everyday, I feel like a nothing.
Angela Sorenson

Accept Responsibility For Failing To Protect Me
My mother told me at eighteen that her father had abused her. My reply was, “Then why the heck did you send me there on my own for holidays then?” My mother has never accepted any responsibility for my childhood, in fact she says that I abused her emotionally from the age of eleven months.

She doesn’t like the fact that I do not blame my father as much as I do her. Well sorry, Mother Dearest, but your influence hit hardest and lasted longest. You deny my facts and experiences because they do not reflect what you want it to, and then still try to control me. The time for your dominance is over and I guide my life now and it is a lot less stressful now that you are not in it very often.
Carol Anne Derry

Don’t Tell Me To Get Over It
You would never cast off a cancer survivor and tell them to get over it once it’s “stopped”, however parents not supporting their own children are leaving them to fend for themselves in a life long cancerous battle.

I have not only lost one set of parents through this abuse. I have lost two families and all of my family history. To have my family’s support would be far more than just physical or emotional comfort and belief. It would be a gaining of the past and an opening and welcoming of the future.
Sandy Tai

Don’t Pretend That Nothing Happened
My father abused me for years. I tried to tell my mom and she got so angry and told me to shut up. Even though my father abused me, I had a better connection with him than with my mom. Even to this day, when I think about it, I get that feeling in my stomach and I hate myself.

I’m 45 years old. I’m married with three children, and it took me that long to realize MY MOM DOES NOT LOVE ME. I keep that for myself and it hurts. If parents really want to help their children, they must not go on as if nothing happened! Don’t smother the child with love all of a sudden. Just show you care, and be there for them. Just maybe if I had that…
Anonymous

Don’t Ask Me To Have a Relationship With My Abuser
My parents have continued to show support and love to the ones who did the abusing. One was an older neighbor and the other was my deaf sister. Before I was age twenty, they had been informed twice I had been abused. Both instances left them blank faced and not one physical touch of comfort or one word of support or love.

I had never asked for side taking or any act of correction be given to those people. But I remain shocked and dismayed when the end result is the old man finished his life with my parents still caring for him and his wife until passing and that my sister remains in contact with my parents while I have been removed. I have been removed due to the fact I set a boundary with my abuser and since I won’t forgive and forget I am now being punished for it. I guess forgiveness would come quicker if any had ever been sought or asked for.

I lived for forty-four years ignoring the topic and doing my best to not make any waves. After a few instances of being rejected for not loving my abuser unconditionally, I took a stand and wouldn’t allow the topic to remain silent any longer. That act sealed my fate.
Kimberly Schoolcraft

Don’t Treat My Abuser Better Than You Treat Me
My uncle came to live with us when he was ten and I was eight. He was my mom’s half-brother and he made my life a living hell. He had me do things that were forbidden by my parents, then I’d have to submit to whatever he wanted so he wouldn’t tell. Sometimes he’d still tell and I’d still get in trouble. In August of 1984, he took that a step further. That’s when he started to initiate sex with me. Initially, I didn’t think anything of it, so I submitted to it. Then it was used as a form of manipulation.

The next year, my uncle was failing at school again and my mother wanted to bring him back into the house. My sister and I protested but we lost. My mother told me that what he did wouldn’t happen again and I still had to love him. I was so angry.

The sexual abuse did stop, but he still physically and verbally abused me. I would tell my parents about the abuse, but he would say something else and I’d get in trouble for lying.

When I was twenty-two, I finally told my mom the truth of what my uncle did. She seemed so nonchalant about it. In fact, she said, all I can say is I’m sorry. Truthfully, I feel better not speaking to her. I love her, but need to keep my distance because it does not bring peace to my spirit. Until she can understand what she allowed me to suffer and more importantly, admit that she screwed up, we need to be apart. I’ve made it this far without her support, so she can stay out of my life.
Tremayne Moore

Tell Me I Didn’t Deserve It
I told my mum directly after my abuse happened. I was crying, so she asked me and I told her. She told me never to tell my father because he was mentally ill. After that, great silence—never speaking to me.

It makes me so angry to be treated so unjustly. I wasn’t the abuser, I was the victim. I’m so alone. My mum does not respect my feelings and my dad does not even care. I have no worth and nobody can care or love me. When I’m suffering or in pain, I have to go through it alone. At the same time, they expect that they have the right to be in my life in the time they choose. Not me, I have no rights.
Martha Mouner

SURVIVORS OF ABUSE NEED:

1. TO BE BELIEVED
It might seem easier to pretend that nothing ever happened, and you might think that pretending it never happened is protecting your child from more pain, but that communicates that either you don’t believe that it happened or that you don’t care.

Questions like “Are you sure?” communicate that you don’t believe him. If you struggle with accepting this, don’t share your difficulty with your child. It’s not his or her job to help you through your denial.

Believing your child means action. It means reporting the abuse and leaving the abuser. It means your child needs nurturing attention—not just for a day or two, but for a lifetime. Sexual abuse is LIFE ALTERING. There is no going back to the way things were. With care and support there IS healing, but there is no going back.

2. TO BE ASSURED HE/SHE ISN’T BAD
The child needs to be told that he or she isn’t bad, the things that happened to them are. Children who are sexually abused feel dirty and shameful and “bad”. Abusers also manipulate the victim to take the blame. There is nothing a child could do to deserve for something like this to happen to him or her. No matter what a child does before or after the abuse, the child didn’t do anything to “bring it on himself.”

When something so traumatic happens, the child absorbs the trauma into his or her body and soul. The pain is stored there until the emotions are expressed. The child needs someone to “witness” the badness of what happened to them. Often, when their pain is not heard or is invalidated, they act out with undesirable behavior, which is their only means of expression. That sometimes leads to the parent labeling the child as “bad”, which causes more harm.

Your child is not bad. Your child needs to be understood and loved.

3. TO BE HEARD
Some victims don’t feel comfortable talking about the abuse, but need to know that their parents will listen with compassion and understanding if the time comes that she does want to talk about it. Other survivors of abuse want to talk about it over and over. Both reactions are normal.

Don’t expect your child to be strong and “just forget about it”. Your child actually lived through the trauma. As difficult as it is to hear about the experience and pain, your child has the hard part and she is a child, you are an adult. YOU be the strong one and listen.

4. TO KNOW HIS/HER NEEDS COME FIRST
Abuse tells the child that it’s his or her job to make someone else feel better. It’s important that your words and actions don’t reinforce that lie. No matter what is going on in your life, no matter if this is difficult to hear, your child needs to know that he doesn’t have to hide or minimize his needs because “it would be too much for you.” It’s not your child’s job to take care of your needs; it’s your job to care for your child’s needs.

5. TO FEEL PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY SAFE
Children need to be kept away from their abusers—no matter who the abuser is. Part of the grooming process of abuse causes the victim to feel protective of the abuser and his or her feelings. Even if a child “misses” the abuser, it’s not safe or healthy to spend time with the abuser.

Survivors of abuse shouldn’t be manipulated or coerced into maintaining a relationship with the abuser or be pressured to forgive. They need to process their own feelings and need an environment where it’s safe to express any feelings about the abuser that he or she wants to.

6. AMENDS TO BE MADE
Denying responsibility only contributes to your child’s pain. You may have been fooled,, you may not have known, you may have felt that the situation was out of your control, but it’s a parent’s job to be their child’s protection. Failing to protect is abandonment, whether you meant to or not and abandonment is often the most painful form of abuse. Whether your child acknowledges your role in their abuse or not, you owe your child an apology without any excuses attached to it.

As harmful as sexual abuse is, as long-lasting and as damaging its effects, having a parent’s understanding and love makes the healing process so much easier. A parent has the ability to prolong the pain or to substantially ease it.

In the comments below, please share your experiences and feelings about your parents’ response to your abuse. If you have anything else you’d like to add to the list of survivors’ needs, please share that too.

Related Posts:
Straight Talk To Parents About Protecting Their Child From Sexual Abuse
Confessions of a Child Molester’s Wife
Peace and Protection From Abuse
Forgetting About Abuse: Who Does That Really Serve?
What If My Family Rejects Me? Part 3

by Christina Enevoldsen

I come from a long line of parents who didn’t protect their children from sexual abuse. My maternal and paternal grandparents failed to guard my parents; my parents didn’t protect me (my father was my primary sexual abuser); then I failed to protect my children.

I’ve written about some of my own issues that made my daughter vulnerable to sexual abuse from her father in “Confessions of a Child Molester’s Wife”. I’ve received a lot of criticism about that, but the reason I’m open about my past, and especially my failures, is that that I hope others learn from my gross mistakes.

When people talk about preventing abuse, most of the focus is on awareness. Even if the whole world was aware, abuse would still continue. I was aware of sexual abuse since I endured it for years, but that didn’t prevent my daughter from being abused right under my nose.

There are more and more programs and books aimed at protecting children from abuse that are directed at children. They are very important since so much abuse comes from within the child’s own home and many times it’s the parents who enable the abuse or perpetrate the abuse.

But there is only so much an outside program can do. The two things a child is taught to do require using her voice to either say “no” or to tell someone, but how much of a voice does a child really have? Usually, only as much as her parents allow. The most effective protectors are the parents.

Talking to your child about abusive situations is part of protecting him, but having a “prevention talk” is only part of the solution. It’s more effective if you talk about these issues on a regular basis and provide a lifestyle of open communication and healthy support. Words are important, but be aware of non-verbal messages you may be sending. It’s how you treat your child, how you treat yourself and the behavior you model that will impact him the most.

With your words:
Teach your child awareness of dangerous activities and the lures used to entice children. For the most part, a child is seduced in the same way one adult seduces another. The offender takes him places, buys him things, impresses the child, and makes the child feel loved. For more information on grooming behavior, visit Child Sexual Abuse: Six Stages of Grooming.

With your actions:
Is your child vulnerable to grooming tactics? A child’s need for love is stronger than his need to avoid danger. In an effort to satisfy his healthy need for affection and attention, he may look for it in unsafe sources. Does your child know he is special to you? Would you be willing to bet his safety and well-being on that?

Would YOU be vulnerable to an abuser’s grooming tactics? Do you have healthy relationships or do you seem to attract abusive people? The abuser’s main objective is to avoid being caught and therefore wants to make sure that he has the trust of the whole family, especially the parents.

“We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present an image of a nice person in the beginning. Like rapport building, charm, and the deceptive smile, unsolicited niceness often has a discoverable motive.” The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

With your words:
Teach your child that her body belongs to her and she can say “no” to touch or situations that don’t feel safe. A confusing message often given to a child is that abuse includes the touching of the “part of the body covered by a bathing suit”. In fact, abuse includes any touch with which a child is uncomfortable. It also includes being flashed in the park, having to take part in nude photographs, having to watch someone else perform a sexual activity, none of which may involve touching at all.

Children think in black and white and see people as either all good or all bad. It is hard for them to understand that the grandpa who brings them toys can also do bad things. Instead of teaching your child about recognizing bad people, teach her to recognize bad situations and behaviors.

With your actions:
Do you tell your child to say “no” to unwelcome touch, but tease her with tousles to her hair that you know she doesn’t like? Or “playful” swats to her butt? Do you let your spouse or any other person touch her in ways that don’t seem “abusive” but aren’t pleasant touches? Unwanted touch that is forcibly endured reinforces the belief that her body is not her own and others have power over it.

Is your child empowered to do anything about it if she does recognize a bad situation? Are you willing to back up your child’s “no”? If your daughter told you she didn’t want to give Grandpa a hug, would you force her to do it anyway? Do you think a child’s feelings are less important than an adult’s feelings? Are you more afraid of Grandpa’s hurt feelings than your child’s? Teaching your child to be aware is only effective if she is also empowered to do something about it. It’s crazy-making to tell a child how to recognize danger, but to force her to endure it anyway.

Are YOU able to say no? Do you model good boundaries with your body, possessions and time? Are you comfortable standing up for yourself and for your child?

With your words:
Ensure that your child knows how to recognize an unsafe situation before, during or after the event itself. This is done with his head but more reliably; his body lets him know. Everyone has body signs that tell them when they are uncomfortable, unsafe or scared – racing heart, nausea, dizziness, sweating, etc. If a child knows to pay attention to his body signs, he may be able to recognize a variety of unsafe situations including abuse.

With your actions:
What is your attitude about your child’s feelings? Do you pay attention to signals? Do you only look for signs of abuse and everything else is “no big deal” and your child should just “toughen up”? If his nervousness over starting a new school or taking a big test isn’t validated by you, you communicate that his feelings don’t matter. If you aren’t trustworthy with the little things, what makes you think you’re trustworthy with the bigger things? If you discount his emotions, how do you expect your child to value his own emotions?

Do you listen to what your child isn’t saying? Sometimes a child can’t articulate how he is feeling, but he acts out. It’s common for a parent to assume that the child is the problem instead of asking if there is something more sinister that the child may be reacting to. One way a child “tells” is through their bad behavior. Many children who are abused are discounted because “they always lie” or “they’re just drawn to trouble”. But why do they misbehave? What are they angry about? Why do they ask for negative attention? Since children have black and white thinking, they think their bad behavior equals a bad child. Do you support that belief? If their negative behavior is rooted in abuse, that belief only adds to the shame of the abuse.

With your words:
Tell your child that they can tell you about anything bad that happens to him no matter who it is. A high percentage of sexual abuse is committed by coaches, teachers, clergy, parents and other authority figures. Children are more vulnerable with these people since they are taught to listen to these adults.

With your actions:
Do you give your child permission to tell you what they really think about people, even those in authority? What if your son said something that wasn’t very nice about your best friend? Your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend? Your pastor? Would you be more afraid of your child being “disrespectful” than you would of his possible mistreatment?

Do you have a family culture that allows for reporting misbehavior in all others? Or do you reprimand your child for “tattling”?

Do you question authority? Authority structures are in place to ensure the well-being of those under their authority. Do you question the instructions/policies/doctrines to see if they are for your well-being and for your child’s? If you blindly follow, your child has no protection from authority figures or abusive systems.

With your words:
Abuse thrives in secrecy. Teach your child when to keep a secret and when to tell. If a child is too young to know the difference, he is too young to carry the burden of a secret and should be taught to tell. Secrets that make you feel bad, scared or confused should not be kept.

With your actions:
Does your family have a culture of openness? Is there a spoken or unspoken rule that “we don’t air our dirty laundry in public”? Are you ashamed of something in your household that you expect your child to keep quiet about?

With your words:
Children need to know that if someone abuses them, it was not their fault. Even if they didn’t say “no” or run away, they are not to blame.

With your actions:
When another child hits him or takes his toy, do you respond with, “Why did you let them do that to you?” That places the blame on your child and tells him that he is responsible for what others do to him.

Other things to keep in mind:

• Reduce or eliminate situations where your child is alone with an adult. This will significantly reduce to likelihood of your child being sexually abused. Be aware of anyone who pays an unusual amount of attention to your children.
• Know who your child is playing with and what they are doing. Not all abusers are adults. Many cases of sexual abuse are perpetrated by another child.
• Act on suspicions, even if you suspect someone close to you may be the abuser.  It is better to keep a child safe than to risk hurting someone’s feelings or ending a relationship.
• Prepare yourself. Know how to respond if your child discloses abuse to you. Know who to call and how to help your child recover.
• If you’ve been abused (sexually or in any other way), start the journey of recovery.  If you haven’t faced your own abuse, you are more likely to either be overprotective or to miss the signs of abuse and fail to stop abuse that you do see. Overprotection is a form of abuse/neglect since it fails to empower the child with confidence to function independently.  Many survivors of abuse make wonderful parents, but you can only be a healthy parent if you are a healthy person. 

 There is no list that can cover everything a parent can do to prevent their child from being abused.  Following lists won’t provide the most effective protection anyway; the most effective protection is to parent as a healthy, whole person and to provide a loving, secure, supportive family system. I haven’t met many survivors of childhood sexual abuse—if any at all— who had parents who treated them as valuable, who modeled healthy behavior and provided a functional home. Even if the sexual abuser wasn’t a family member, the family is the first “grooming” a child experiences. 

My own dysfunction and the home I created out of that dysfunction primed my daughter to be sexually abused.  I can’t change what happened, but as I heal from my own abuse, our family dynamics change.  As I’ve learned to stand up to abuse, so has she.  Even though my children are adults now, the healthy changes I’ve made and the benefits of them spill into their lives.  Nothing can change the past, but the future of my family is changed. 

I wish I had learned these things before I became a mother.  I wish my parents had read something like this before I was born.  It’s too late for those wishes to come true, but I hope that other children will be spared the things the children in my family lived through. 

Related Links: Confessions of a Child Molester’s Wife
Power Play: How to Recognize an Abuser
Power Trip: How to Journey From Overpowered to Empowered
The Wolf in Shepherd’s Clothing: The “Benevolent” Abuser
How to Handle Disclosure of Sexual Abuse From a Child
Incest: Protect Your Children

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

Does this resonate with you? Please join in by leaving your thoughts and feelings about this topic and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments.

by Bethany Ruck

A friend of mine used to be a stand-in on a network show. While the actors were in their trailers, he stood in front of the camera. He was examined from every angle while the crew perfected the lighting and worked out the camera positions before filming. But when the time came for the director to yell “action”, the real actors were brought in to perform.

He was the same height and build as the star he filled in for. He had the same hair color and skin tone as the actor. But he was no replacement for the talent. His only purpose was to help the crew prepare before the real work began.

Here at Overcoming Sexual Abuse, our writing team is like the stand-ins. Having a stand-in allows you to be able to see a situation on someone else before you try it on yourself. You can view it from different angles and see how the same might apply to your life. You have the opportunity to see if you identify with a story, a situation, or an emotion.

We have the unique dynamic of being a mother/daughter team. Many readers tend to label me as the child. Since my first post, messages have flooded my inbox. Some of them have been people who wanted support in their healing process, but the majority are survivors who offer to help or comfort me in my own healing.

But I’m just the stand-in for your healing.  Empathizing with the pains of my past does nothing for your own healing.  It’s necessary to try the emotions on for yourself. What do you feel?

It’s hard to acknowledge such painful memories.  It’s much easier to imagine my pain and to seek to comfort my inner child than your own.  Empathizing with my emotions is easy. It’s safe. Cheering me on might help you feel like you’re above the situation instead of in the middle of it. 

It’s even harder to realize where those feelings come from.  Maybe your favorite uncle didn’t love you after all, maybe your mother betrayed you, maybe your family really did know what was going on.  Facing those truths can be agonizing.  It’s much easier to help me heal than to help yourself. Dealing with my inner child does nothing for your healing. Identifying with someone else’s story isn’t doing the actual work. There’s no replacement for the star. 

You’re the star of your own healing journey. Healing requires you to allow the spotlight to be on you. Healing means sifting through your past, getting into the character of that inner child and reliving emotions that are dark and painful. Healing takes facing the lies you believed and seeing the truth. Being the star is hard work.  But the star gets the biggest pay-off. Your healing journey is unique to you. Let your healing take center stage instead of being upstaged by the stand-in.

 Related Posts:
Preparing to Heal from Sexual Abuse
Six Million Dollar Healing: Completely Invested in the Process

[read Bethany's story here]

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by Christina Enevoldsen

I talk about my childhood sexual abuse very publicly now, but I didn’t start there. The first time I ever told anyone I’d been abused it didn’t go very well. For years, I’d repressed most of my childhood memories when suddenly, in my early twenties, I knew I’d been abused. The knowledge came in a flash. I didn’t have any specific recall, know who my abuser was or feel any pain, but I was sure I’d been sexually abused.

I thought my parents would want to know, so the first chance I got, I visited them. When I walked in their house, my mom stood in the kitchen. We made small talk for a few minutes, but I couldn’t wait to tell her the reason for my visit, so I blurted out, “I was sexually abused.” I heard a booming voice from the other room where my dad was watching television, “NO, YOU WEREN’T!!!” My mother responded without interest, as though I never said a word.

Years later, when the memories flooded back and I realized that my dad was my abuser while my mom looked the other way, their responses made so much sense. I didn’t know it then, but now I know that telling my parents wasn’t the best place to begin disclosing my abuse.

Breaking the silence of abuse is a vital step toward healing. The secrets you hold actually hold you, keeping you captive to the abuser’s power. Telling is a way to break free from the bond the secret created between you and your abuser.

The way you take the first few steps in disclosure can influence whether you advance or withdraw in your healing. Telling a safe person who validates you makes it easier to go on to the next part of the process. When you disclose your abuse to someone who is compassionate, understanding, and accepting, it’s a relief to know you’re no longer alone. However, sharing emotionally vulnerable moments with someone who is unsupportive may cause you to feel even more isolated and can hinder your progress.

Though many survivors of abuse assume that their family will believe them and comfort them, that isn’t always true. In fact, it’s very common for families to reject rather than support the survivor. Sometimes parents reject the possibility that their child was abused because to accept the truth is too painful. Sometimes the disclosure brings up pain from their own abuse. They might also feel personally threatened. They may view it as an accusation that they aren’t good parents for failing to protect you.

Many victims of sexual abuse are abused by family members. In that case, other family members may have divided loyalties. If the daughter was abused by Grandpa, parents have to choose one family member over another. Many family members are unwilling to do that, especially if they have their own unmet needs from the relationship with the abuser.

If you are a survivor of incest, there’s an excellent chance that you’re not the only victim in your family and your abuser isn’t the only perpetrator. In incest families the family system has a culture that protects itself by keeping the secret. That system’s survival depends on the secret being kept. They will sacrifice one member for the sake of the system. In most cases, the survivor who is willing to talk about the abuse is the healthiest person in the family. The survivor is the one who recognizes the truth the earliest and seek change and healing, while the others see survival by maintaining the status quo. That is a threat to the family unit and the person who wants change is often viewed as the enemy. Because of personal defenses, your family isn’t always likely to be the best source of support and understanding.

The best chance to receive a supportive response is to begin by telling a friend who’s trustworthy and comfortable with emotions. Choose a friend you feel safe with and who doesn’t know your abuser—someone who doesn’t have anything to lose in believing you.

A few years after telling my parents, I was validated by a group of women who openly discussed their own abuse. I learned from them that talking about abuse is nothing to be ashamed about. I was accepted and believed and I felt like I belonged. With their support, I had a firm foundation and I started to see that healing was possible.

I had mostly good experiences for many years. Occasionally, someone would get a blank stare and put up a defensive wall and I knew they didn’t want to hear anymore. That was okay. By then, I was well on my way to healing and I understood that people have their own issues and their own needs may not allow them to hear me. I didn’t take it personally anymore.

My next stage in disclosure was speaking to a group of about forty people, many of whom knew my father. I wasn’t sure what their reaction would be, but I felt ready to share it, no matter their response. I had enough of a support system, within myself and with others, so I was secure and didn’t need anything from them. I just wanted the opportunity to share the truth. They were overwhelmingly supportive.

I was validated by the group, but when I went home that night I heard a little girl’s voice in my head saying, “You told,” in an accusing tone. I recognized that the little girl was the little girl inside of me. She was the one who was warned not to tell. She was the one who was afraid and felt threatened. But as my adult self, I wasn’t under my father’s power anymore and he couldn’t do anything to hurt me. So I comforted myself with that and validated my progress—and continued to tell.

After that, I published the story of my abuse history online. I wanted it to be public. I wanted the whole world to see it. I wasn’t afraid of my dad finding out. I wanted my parents to read what I wrote. I wanted them to know I was talking about it. I felt empowered and strong.

My last step was talking on the radio. It felt natural and comfortable to talk about it. It was an affirming step and I felt good. But the next day, I was exhausted and felt defeated. In hearing myself speak about it, I accepted and understood my abuse in a different way, which helped me to tap into new levels of grief I hadn’t touched before. It felt bad, but it was part of the process and I was happy to be taking another step.

Even if you’ve been telling for years, you may experience new feelings as you take different steps. Take time to evaluate how you feel after each new step. Those feelings need to be validated and expressed. Emotions are good, even if they’re painful. Just as in all parts of the healing process, it’s important to take small steps and proceed at your own rate.

Part of telling is choosing who you tell and don’t tell. You don’t have any control over how people will react, but you do have control over who you share it with. You don’t have to publish a book or post it online. Talking about your abuse to someone is important, but you don’t have to tell everyone and you aren’t a failure or a coward if you choose not to.

Talking about your abuse is important, but how you disclose it can make the difference in how beneficial it is. These are some things to remember to increase the chances that your disclosure will be well-received:

1. Start with someone who is emotionally available and who doesn’t know your abuser.
2. Start small and privately.
3. Evaluate your emotions and practice self care after each new step in disclosure.
4. Take time to validate yourself after you disclose.
5. If you want to make your abuse experience known to more people or disclose to your family, establish a base of support with trusted others first.

No matter how anyone responds, what happened to you was serious and you deserve to be treated well. Don’t allow anyone to keep you from doing what’s best for you. You may not get the validation you need from everyone, but you can validate yourself.

PLEASE NOTE that there are situations where your safety would be put in jeopardy if you speak of your abuse publicly. Ritual abuse is one example of that. Please use extreme caution if your disclosure would put you in danger.

Related Posts:

Why Do I Need To Tell?

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

Does this resonate with you? Please join in by leaving your thoughts and feelings about this topic and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments.

Christina Enevoldsen

by Christina Enevoldsen

Does time heals all wounds?  I’ve heard many survivors of abuse try to soothe themselves by saying, “Soon, this will pass.” It does take time to heal—and lots of it. But time alone won’t repair the soul mutilation of abuse anymore than it will repair the destruction caused by an earthquake. Sexual abuse ravages the depths of your being and to be restored, you’ll need to face each wounded area.  Healing takes great quantities of perseverance, courage, strength and yes, time.

Recognizing the Abuse

The first step in beginning to heal from any kind of abuse is to recognize and acknowledge that it happened to you, and that it matters.  It’s very common to remember an unwanted sexual encounter, yet not recognize it as sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is when someone with less power is tricked, trapped, coerced, or bribed into any type of sexual experience. Power imbalance may result from the perpetrator’s age, size, position, experience, or authority and includes kissing, fondling, being forced to touch the abuser’s genitals, anal, oral or vaginal sex, and non-contact acts such as exhibitionism, exposure to pornography, voyeurism or sexual comments.

Though you may not label it as such, the effects are no less present. The attempt to deny the seriousness doesn’t limit the effects. Just the opposite is true. You may have low self-esteem as a result of your abuse and might not think it matters that you were hurt, but your life is important and you are worth the time and effort it takes to overcome this.

Gaining the Proper Perspective

While it’s common to see the abuse as less serious than it is, it’s also common to see the abuse as bigger than it is. The abuse leaves you feeling powerless. Often, that feeling carries into the healing process. The powerlessness causes you to think of yourself as less capable and weaker than you are. The effects of abuse can seem engulfing, yet you are stronger than the abuse or its effects. Your survival proves that. You’ve lived through the worst of it and the same strength that preserved your life will help you build a new one.

Facing the Effects and Envisioning a Better Future

It’s important to see how sexual abuse has affected your life. Go through the symptom checklist Possible Indicators of Sexual Abuse. Don’t get overwhelmed. Instead, recognize the symptoms of victimization for what they are. Once you recognize how much the abuse has affected you, you can see how much you have to gain by the healing process.

Sometimes it’s hard to visualize a life not consumed with abuse, but try to imagine yourself doing something that you weren’t able to do before.

Facing the Pain

The pain of abuse can be agonizing and incapacitating. Sometimes, it overtakes you and it’s impossible to think about anything else. At those times, pain seems like the enemy. You may try to avoid it through masking or stuffing. Pain won’t kill you, but failing to deal with the pain can limit or shorten your life.

Pain is a vital tool in healing and will only be eliminated as your wounds heal. It’s meant to be a signal to help you find the specific areas that need your protection, nurturing and attention. If you cooperate with your pain instead of fighting it, it will be your ally.

When you recognize a feeling emerging, try to identify when it started. Understanding the origin of the event or memory can help you process and work through the feeling.

Even if you don’t know why you feel the way you do, it’s still important to express your emotions. Masking or stuffing feelings won’t make them go away, only expressing them will.

Be careful not to judge your feelings. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They are helpful indicators of what you believe about your experience. You will likely experience anger and hatred and many other powerful emotions during this time. The more comfortable you become in allowing the feelings to surface, the easier your healing will be.

Gathering Your Resources

A support system is vital to your healing. Friends and family members, support groups and/or a therapist can fill this need. You can’t do this alone. You suffered alone for long enough and you need others around you to heal. Choose people who will take the time to listen without judgment and who help you feel safe.

Professionals who are familiar with sexual abuse issues not only provide support by listening but also by educating you on the process, though many survivors heal without professional counseling. If you choose not to seek therapy or can’t afford it, you will need to learn everything you can about the subject. Doing so will prepare you for the journey by telling you what to expect and by affirming your thoughts and feelings.  Here is a list of recommended reading. Even if you hire a therapist, you are responsible for educating yourself and for your own healing. Nobody can do it for you.

Taking the Plunge

You may be tempted to put your healing on hold while waiting for your abuser to apologize or your family to believe you.  Unfortunately, those things may never happen. Isn’t it time for you to be in control of your own life?  Don’t allow someone else to determine when your healing journey begins. Others may not choose to do what’s best for you, but you can.

Related Links:

Microwave Healing: I Want To Feel Better NOW

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

Does this resonate with you? Please join in by leaving your thoughts and feelings about this topic and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments.

Christina Enevoldsen

by Christina Enevoldsen

If a friend or family member tells you he or she was sexually abused, please consider the importance of your role in the healing process. Disbelief or disinterest from loved ones can intensify or prolong trauma from abuse. It is emotionally overwhelming when someone you love and trust doesn’t believe you or doesn’t care that something devastating has happened to you. Please note that this list is for adult survivors of sexual abuse. If a child discloses abuse to you, it is your responsibility to report it.

Survivors of abuse have a variety to reactions to the abuse. There is no right or wrong way for them to respond. They may cry and become depressed or become numb and push their feelings aside.

1. Let the survivor speak as much or as little as they feel comfortable with. Do not press for details and don’t try to change the subject until they are ready to move on.
2. Don’t invalidate their experience by sharing something from your own life that you think is similar. You may think you are communicating that you understand their pain, but don’t assume that you know how they feel.
3. Never question their experience. Assure them that you believe them and avoid questions like, “Are you sure?” Sometimes, you may know their abuser and view them as a good person, but “good people” can do bad things. You may also have conflicting allegiances if their abuser is your child or mate. It’s hard to believe someone they love could commit such a monstrous act, but the survivor was not at fault and needs your support.
4. Be careful in what emotions you express. Of course you are human and you are going to feel sad, confused or angry. However, you do not want the survivor to think you are angry with them or that they have to take care of you. Make sure you have a support system so you are taking care of yourself.
5. Ask what physical contact they would like. After being violated by touch, survivors may feel repulsed by touch or may want it.
6. Often a survivor knows their perpetrator. It may be a family member or close friend. Because there may be mixed emotions on the survivor’s part be careful not to condemn the person. Condemn their behavior, but leave the rest alone. It is an emotional process the survivor will have to go through in sorting out their feelings.
7. Do not make promises about the perpetrator going to jail. There are statutes of limitations to consider, the court process can be lengthy and you cannot control the outcome.
8. Don’t view the survivor as damaged. Sexual abuse carries a great deal of shame and they already feel different from others. Be sensitive to the wounded places, but see the difference between who they are and what has happened to them.
9. It is important to allow the survivor to have control over the situation. It is their decision if they want to go to counseling or contact the police. They have already lost control through the abuse and they need to regain it through healing in their own way at their own pace.
10. The survivor’s emotions may appear to be a roller coaster at times. There may be sadness one day, anger the next and avoidance after that. Do not assume that because they are not crying that they are not bothered by the abuse or that they are over it. A survivor may feel they are weak if they cry or are avoiding their emotions because they are not ready to feel the pain of the experience.
11. Educate yourself so you know what to expect. Do your own research on sexual abuse, the results and the healing process.
12. Don’t ask how long the process will take. They don’t know. They experienced a loss and need to be allowed to grieve. Allow them to grieve without trying to fix them. Don’t try to make them laugh when they’re sad.
13. Don’t say, “Just forgive him and let it go.” Or “Why try to dig up the past?” They aren’t trying to dig up the past just for your sympathy or attention. This is a life changing event and it can have serious consequences if it is not thoroughly dealt with. They can’t forget this. They need to face the pain so they can leave it there and move toward a better future.

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

Does this resonate with you? Please join in by leaving your thoughts and feelings about this topic and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments.

Listed below are some of the indicators of sexual abuse. Please note that one or more of these do not necessarily indicate abuse, but are merely indicators of possible abuse. There may be a variety of reasons for these symptoms.

Sexuality

1. I began masturbating at an early age.
2. As a child, I used to insert objects into my bottom, and I do not know where I learned to do this.
3. I seemed to know some things about sex even before they were explained to me.
4. I have never really been very interested in sex OR I’m preoccupied with thoughts about sex.
5. I can’t stand to be touched in certain sexual ways or areas of my body.
6. I have a strong aversion to certain sex acts OR I have a need for particular sex acts.
7. My experiences with sex are degrading or short-lived.
8. I freeze up or can’t say no when someone wants to be sexual with me.
9. I feel threatened when someone expresses sexual interest. All pursuit feels like a violation.
10. I have a sexual dysfunction, such as premature ejaculation, inability to have an orgasm, or pain during intercourse.
11. I feel as if there is something wrong or dirty about my sexuality.
12. There is only one way I can have an orgasm or one position that turns me on.
13. I have fantasies of sexual abuse during sex or sexual fantasies of dominance or rape.
14. I am or fanaticize about being a prostitute, stripper, sex symbol, or porn actress.
15. I have an erotic response to abuse or anger.
16. I have had promiscuous sex with strangers, but I’m unable to have sex in intimate relationships.
17. I tend to sexualize meaningful relationships.
18. I am compulsively seductive OR compulsively asexual.
19. I cry after an orgasm OR am impersonal and shutdown.
20. I cannot be sexual unless I am the aggressor.

Sleep

1. I am afraid of being alone in the dark or of sleeping alone.
2. I had or have recurring dreams.
3. I often have nightmares and night terrors (especially of pursuit, threat, or entrapment).
4. I remember vividly one or more nightmares from my childhood.
5. I have difficulty falling or staying asleep.
6. I sometimes wake up feeling as if I am choking, gagging, or being suffocated.
7. I have awakened from sleep trying to attack my partner.
8. Sometimes I fear or sense that someone is in my bedroom.
9. I often wake up frightened at the same time every night.

Fears and Attractions

1. I am frightened of one or more common household objects OR I have a strange affection or attraction to a common household object.
2. I would never go into a closet or any dark, confined space.
3. Basements or certain other spaces terrify me.
4. I am afraid to be alone or to leave my house.
5. When I was a child, I cowered in corners and liked to hide.
6. I hate going to the dentist more than most people.
7. I neglect my teeth.
8. My mouth seems repulsive to me.
9. I hate to have someone touch my hair.
10. I hate water on my face when bathing or swimming. It sometimes feels like I’m suffocating.
11. I am always alert to the possibility of sexual assault.
12. I don’t like making noise during sex, or while I cry or laugh.
13. I carefully monitor my words or my volume, especially when I need to be heard.
14. I am afraid to take risks OR I frequently take dangerous risks.
15. I’m afraid to get too emotionally close to anyone OR I get too close to people too fast, before I even know if I can trust them.

Eating Disturbances

1. I have had periods in my life when I couldn’t eat, or I had to force myself to eat.
2. Sometimes I binge on huge amounts of food.
3. Certain foods or tastes frighten me or nauseate me.
4. I am seriously underweight or overweight.
5. I gag or choke easily.
6. I make myself throw up, take laxatives, or exercise exhaustively to control my weight.

Body Problems

1. I do not take good care of my body.
2. Even if I think something might be wrong with me, I don’t go to the doctor.
3. I don’t feel connected with my body.
4. I hate the way my body looks.
5. I avoid looking in mirrors.
6. I wear clothing that covers up my body, either too much clothing or baggy clothes.
7. I wear clothes even while I swim, bath or sleep.
8. I need more privacy than most people when using the bathroom.
9. I have odd sensations in my genitals or rectum.
10. Whenever I think of a certain person from my childhood, I get a sensation in my genitals.
11. I sometimes feel physical pain or numbness associated with a particular memory, emotion, or situation.
12. I avoid going to the gynecologist, or I dread it terribly.
13. I have gastrointestinal problems, gynecological problems (including spontaneous vaginal infections), headaches, arthritis or joint pain.
14. When I was a child, I had frequent stomachaches or headaches.
15. When I was a child, I wet the bed.
16. When I feel threatened I sometimes feel detached from my body, like I am watching a scene from a movie.

Compulsive Behaviors

1. I sometimes hurt myself in a way that marks or sears my body.
2. I have an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
3. My drug or alcohol use started before I was thirteen.
4. I do some things to excess and I just don’t know when to quit.
5. I can’t seem to control myself when it comes to spending money or gambling.
6. I try to control things that don’t really matter, just to have control of something.
7. I need to have the feeling that I am in control of myself, others, or situations.
8. I have a strong need to protect what’s mine.
9. I have often taken foolish risks with my safety.
10. I pick at my body, often without even thinking about it.

Emotional Signals

1. I space out or daydream.
2. I have an extensive fantasy life. I imagine relationships or identities that I don’t have.
3. I feel the need to be invisible or to make as little trouble as possible.
4. I instinctively know and do what others want or need without having to be told.
5. I don’t know why people would want to be nice to me. I have a high appreciation of small favors by others.
6. I often feel like I have no right to set limits or to say no.
7. I seem to have a pattern of being victimized, especially sexually.
8. I have a pattern of having relationships with a much older person, which started in adolescence.
9. I feel the need to be perfect OR I feel the need to be perfectly bad.
10. It is difficult for me to recognize, own, or express anger.
11. I am constantly angry.
12. I have an intense hostility toward an entire gender or ethnic group of the perpetrator.
13. To smile or laugh means I am losing control.
14. I often feel like I am being watched.
15. I get nervous when I am being watched.
16. I tend to be secretive.
17. I don’t like surprises.
18. I startle easily.
19. When I am in crisis, I go into shock and shutdown.
20. Sometimes really violent or strange pictures flash through my mind.
21. I feel a sense of doom, as though my life will end in tragedy or disaster.
22. I get nervous when I am happy and tend to sabotage it.
23. I have the feeling that if I am happy, it’s not real or won’t last.
24. I have unexplained bouts of depression or I cry without knowing the reason.
25. The pain in my life seems too big compared to my known history.
26. I have a strong sense that something terrible has happened to me or that I carry an awful secret.
27. I have the feeling that no one will listen to me, though I have an urge to tell OR a strong fear that my secret will be revealed.
28. There is a blank period in my childhood when I can remember nothing.
29. Other people seem to have childhood memories at an earlier age than I do.
30. I feel different from everyone else; I feel that I’m not real and everyone else is or vice versa.
31. I feel marked, like I am wearing a scarlet letter.
32. I have multiple personalities.
33. I have the feeling that I am crazy.
34. There have been times when I had suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide, including “passive suicide”.
35. Nothing seems very real sometimes.
36. I am not in touch with my feelings, I am usually numb.
37. I identify with abuse victims in the media, and often stories of abuse make me want to cry.
38. I have a desire to change my name, either to get away from my abuser or to take control through self-labeling.
39. I have a strong need to believe that nothing bad happened to me. “Maybe it’s my imagination.”
40. I tend to minimize the bad things that were done to me. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Adapted from symptom checklist from “Repressed Memories” by Renee Fredrickson, Ph.D. and Incest Survivors’ Aftereffects Checklist from “Secret Survivors” by E. Sue Blume.

Indicators of Abuse in Children

1. The child masturbates in public.
2. The child began masturbating at an early age.
3. The child plays with toys in a sexual way.
4. The child touches others’ private parts.
5. The child talks about body parts in a way that seems inappropriate.
6. The child has genital discomfort or rashes.
7. The child has had blood in his diaper or underwear.
8. The child has frequent stomach aches, headaches and sore throats.
9. The child wets the bed or wets himself in public.
10. The child has regressed to earlier stages of behavior.
11. The child wants to kiss and hug all the time OR has an intolerance of physical contact.
12. The child is irritable or has outbursts of anger.
13. The child is often worried.
14. The child withdraws from others.
15. The child doesn’t seem to identify with his own age group.
16. The child is no longer interested in formerly loved activities or hobbies.
17. The child seems to take on the parenting role.
18. The child’s appetite has changed.
19. The child’s personality has changed.
20. There have been behavioral changes at home and/or school.
21. The child has trouble concentrating in school or every day activities.
22. The child is afraid of going to sleep.
23. The child has trouble sleeping.
24. The child has nightmares.
25. The child is afraid of being alone.
26. The child has a fear of separation.
27. The child has a specific fear of males or females, or a specific person or place.
28. The child is afraid to have water on his face.
29. The child cowers in corners or frequently hides.

Children’s checklist adapted from Woar.org

Christina Enevoldsen

by Christina Enevoldsen

Sexual abuse is one of the most traumatic events that can happen to a child.  The way their disclosure is handled can make a difference in whether the discloser is a continuation of their trauma or the first step in healing.  Though it is difficult to believe that someone could hurt a child that way, children rarely make false accusations about their abuse.  It is easier to deny that abuse occurred because it’s a frightening thing to handle, even for adults, but imagine what it feels like for the child. 

It is extremely difficult for children to tell about their abuse for many reasons.  They usually feel shame and blame themselves for the abuse.  They may feel guilty if they received gifts or attention from the abuser or if they felt pleasure.  They usually feel not being believed and are probably very confused about what happened to them.  The child may also fear threats made by the perpetrator or fear that the abuser may get in trouble.

Your immediate response should be:

1. Remain calm.  Don’t show feelings of anger, shock or horror.  Children cannot always differentiate between your anger at the abuser and anger towards him.Tell the child you believe him and he was brave to tell you. 
2. Tell the child it was the right thing to tell you.
3. Tell the child it was not his fault and he did nothing wrong. 
4. Report the abuse.  If you are hesitant to call the police because you think there is not enough evidence, or that the crime isn’t serious enough to involve the police, call the police.  Let them decide if it is a valid case. 

For parents of abused children:

It’s heartbreaking to find out your child was sexually abused.  You may find that you are tempted to believe it didn’t happen, especially if the abuser is your partner, friend or relative.  You may also be tempted to blame the child in your attempt to process the news.  You may feel guilty for not protecting your child or angry at the abuser.   It is a very difficult thing to face, but remember that you are the parent.  As the parent, you are responsible for the well-being of your child and your child’s physical, mental and emotional health must be your focus.  If you can’t deal with the emotional difficulty, go to therapy.  But only go after you do the right thing and save your child.

If someone you know has abused your child, you must choose allegiance to your child.  It’s hard to believe someone you love could commit such a monstrous act, particularly on your own child.  They betrayed your trust and your child’s.   It is very painful to face, but do not allow your pain to keep you from acting.  Take your child away from the abuser.

If you are afraid to report it because it would end your marriage, choose to save your child instead of saving your marriage.  Your child is helpless. You and your spouse are not. 

Report the abuse to the police.  Many cities have special units that deal with family violence.  They can help you find resources for shelter and counseling. 

Your child trusts you to protect him. He trusts you to make the tough decisions and to shield him from harm.

It is extremely difficult to face this tragedy.  There are people who will help you through it.  But no one can help you or your child if they don’t know what’s going on.  Call the police.  They can put you in touch with a whole network in your community to help people in your situation.

How Can Abused Children be Helped?

1. The first thing parents can do to help their child heal from abuse is to provide their child with a safe environment.  That means no contact with the abuser. 
2. A child won’t just forget about this.  He needs help to process this serious trauma.  That help can come through an experienced counselor in working with children survivors of sexual abuse, through talking, writing or drawing about their feelings, or a number of other tools.  But time alone won’t erase the effects.  Ignoring it won’t heal them.  They need help. 
3. Children shouldn’t be forced to talk about the abuse.  Allow them to bring it up and be willing to listen when they do.  
4. Parents need to remember to take care of themselves so that they can be at their best for their children. 

Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and four grandchildren.

[read Christina's story here]

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