Comments on: Reclaiming My Self After Sexual Abuse

By: Caden

Caden — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 04:31:19 +0000

Jen,

Thanks for sharing your story with us, what your brother did was terrible but I’m glad you have closure. It is really great that you’re so determined to protect your daughter, and yourself from abusive relationships in the future. I know that I can only do so much about the children of my estranged siblings, but working on myself and protecting my inner child is valuable too. It can be very difficult to untangle those patterns and unconscious processes that lead us to places familiar to our childhood. But healing is possible, and no one should have to settle for abuse.

take care,
-Caden.

By: Jen

Jen — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 07:47:09 +0000

I was abused by my brother from the age of three until the age of 5. I didn’t have memories of it until I was around 10 and then I asked him when I was in my 20′s if anything happened like I remembered and he said that they did, so I had to relive it all over again because those memories were real. I found out that he was fifteen and was looking at porn and wanted me to act out what he was looking at. I’m not giving him excuses, but sometimes it helps to know what was going through your abuser’s mind at the time of the abuse to give solutions to your mind. He did say he was sorry and the abuse never happened again, but the damage was done and I struggled a lot throughout my life.

I married a verbally and physically abusive man and I left him when our daughter was two. I haven’t remarried and won’t until I learn to be attracted to the right guy. I had such a low self esteem at the time I married my husband. I thought that I didn’t deserve better so I settled. I will never settle again. I will pick a great guy next time, because that is what I deserve.

My daughter is six and I am very cautious and very protective. If I ever marry again I will never leave my ex alone with her. I just won’t. It’s not worth the what if’s if anything were to happen.

My brother has tried to move on with his life. I said tried because he got married and has kids, but I can still see the low self esteem he has about himself because of what he did. In a way I pity him. He has gone to counseling and I know to this day that he doesn’t regret it. I have found closer because we talked it out. It still is hard for me to be around him. I have grown to care for his kids. They love their dad and I think my pain has kept my brother from doing anything to his girls and if my suffering spared them in any way than it was worth it.

By: Christine

Christine — Sun, 19 May 2013 16:32:35 +0000

Caden
Thank you so much, you have no idea how much you have helped me with your blog and responses. I started my own blog and quoted you on something in there too. I still have some sympathy for my parents and probably always will. They just lost their bussiness I have no idea what happened and try not to feel bad but I still care just a little. Anyway again thank you

By: Caden

Caden — Sat, 18 May 2013 22:32:41 +0000

Daisy, thanks. I agree, forgiveness has nothing to do with my healing process and I make abundant progress without it. The ‘rules’ and ‘warnings’ that many people repeat about having to forgive and the supposed danger of letting ourselves feel anger are really sad to me.

take care,
-Caden.

By: Caden

Caden — Sat, 18 May 2013 22:04:37 +0000

Shen, thank you!

Melissa, thanks for sharing your journey. I can really relate to the sentiment that pushing it away and forgetting about it is not the goal. I repressed the memories of incest for most of my life, and I want to integrate, not re-repress that information and those feelings today.

By: Caden

Caden — Sat, 18 May 2013 21:59:42 +0000

Christine, it is devastating, I know, to be re-traumatized by people who want to shame or harass us for our decisions or tell us the abuse is our fault. What that girl did to you was terrible. I also opened up to the wrong people a few times, and I paid for that. Over the years since my estrangement, I’ve found the best tool is really choosing the right people to be around, more then precisely what I said. Trying to pick friends that don’t feed into the old patterns and systems I grew up with, but the new ones I’m trying to build. I find that just saying ‘I don’t have any family, they were abusive’ is fine for most interactions. If someone is a really close friend though, we should be able to talk to them about it without worrying about being put down. It’s also perfectly ok to draw a boundary and say, ‘I don’t want to talk about that’ if someone starts moralizing on the importance of family.

There’s another article on OSA that discusses this topic: http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/12/12/my-parents-are-dead-to-me/

By: Christine

Christine — Sat, 18 May 2013 13:54:18 +0000

Dear caden,
Something I forgot earlier. What do I tell my friends who dont understand why I dont speak with the family anymore? They seem to think that I am a stubborn child and that I gave up too easy and family is too important. I just cant be around the people who ruined my childhood. I just dont know what to do about it. I dont want to tell everyone what happened. Every time I told someone a friend or something in the past they judged me and thought I was lying to get attention. Although I was only a teenager then I am still afraid that this will happen again. There was one person I told when it was still in the beginning and not as bad and she then stole my cell phone and called me harrassing me telling me how much I enjoy it and she is going to tell everyone . It was extremely traumatizing and If I would have had the guts I would have comitted suicide at 9 years old. Then when I was 16 I got pregnant with my bf and she spread rumors saying it was my brothers baby boy I was mad. Im not even in the same country as her I dont understand why she would say things about me at all.

By: Daisy

Daisy — Sat, 18 May 2013 02:39:26 +0000

Hi Caden

Thank you for putting my feelings into words.

“Something that has really helped me was coming to the conclusion that the abuse is not really my secret, but the secret of my abusers. I didn’t abuse anyone, and it wasn’t my fault, so I don’t deserve any shame and I have no obligation to hide the crimes of my family. Our abusers were disgusting, and we have don’t have to forgive them.”

This part of you reply to Elese pretty much sums up my feelings towards my FOO today. Forgiveness is often said to be the catalyst to healing and recovery. This hasn’t been my experience, in fact I’ve made great progress in the last few years without forgiving the people who refuse to acknowledge the damage they’ve caused.

Like you, part of what has enabled me to heal has been to face the truth of what happened and understand that it wasn’t my fault, I was just a child. Now every day is getting better and better.

Thank you for your beautiful writing.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Thu, 16 May 2013 20:44:35 +0000

Thank you for sharing your story. I too am an incest survivor so I know what you are talking about. I have been to therapy for years and have worked on my issues and have learned how to deal with the repercussions I experienced from the abuse. Those first few years of therapy were very difficult emotionally, mentally and physically but I fought through the pain, embarrassment, shame and humiliation to get where I am today. I can say that I am at a good place however, since I first started therapy which was close to 25 years ago I have gone back two times. The reason being is that something like this never “goes away” it is never forgotten and sometimes there are issues that surface over time that weren’t there before so they have to be dealt with. Through going to therapy I learned the skills and tools that I needed to recognize triggers and how to best handle any anxiety or fear that I may experience but it never, ever goes away. It is part of who I am and after fighting it for years and trying to push it away, learned to accept it and embrace it. and I didn’t want to but, for me, it was the only way I knew I was ever going to be happy. It is not easy and it can be painful and scary sometimes but if you want to be happy and have a happy life you have to be strong enough to fight through all the unpleasantries, dig down to those dark scary places. The way I found my inner strength was by thinking that if I didn’t overcome this horrible experience then I really let the pedophile win, they got the best of me. They already stole so much that was mine and I refused to let them have anymore of me…I refused to be defeated, I REFUSED to let them win!!! I do not mean to make any of this sound easy by any means, believe me, it took me four years to get to finally feel “ok” or like I could function with out being all consumed by the “stuff” in my head. Perhaps maybe none of this applies to you but if it does, even if you found just a little part of it helpful,I hope you too can find your inner strength! I believe you can. You really are much stronger than you think, have a little faith in yourself, you will be surprised

By: Caden

Caden — Mon, 06 May 2013 19:11:55 +0000

Elese, thank you for sharing. In the past I felt exposed, almost violated too when someone found out a slice of my abuse history. I would often end the relationship. But I don’t think you subjected your boyfriend to anything. We have a right to speak our truth and be open about what happened to us. Just hearing what we’ve gone through is not a burden to anyone who really cares about us, and we deserve that after suffering in silence as children. Something that has really helped me was coming to the conclusion that the abuse is not really my secret, but the secret of my abusers. I didn’t abuse anyone, and it wasn’t my fault, so I don’t deserve any shame and I have no obligation to hide the crimes of my family. Our abusers were disgusting, and we have don’t have to forgive them.

take care,
-Caden