Comments on: The Lie of “Letting It Go”

By: Stacey

Stacey — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 04:44:12 +0000

In your conversation above with Kylie she shared:

“I had this belief that it was best if I just made everything okay all the time, even when it wasn’t. It took a really long time for me to feel anything. I didn’t feel like I mattered enough to experience my emotions, and I also didn’t feel like it was safe….feeling fully what I am feeling in this moment and knowing that not only is that okay, but it is living in truth.”

and you responded:

“YES! I’ve been celebrating my full range of emotions also. Even when I’m feeling a lot of pain, it’s wonderful to feel so connected to myself and to my experiences and to the world I’m living in. That is indeed living in truth!”

Any advice on how to deal with past sexual abuse and trauma and get to the point where you can indeed feel emotions again? I am trying to get to this point and struggling with how to get there…

Thanks!

By: Kim

Kim — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 21:17:38 +0000

I thought I had done all the right things when I started opening up about the abuse, I spoke about, although not able to call the abusers on it due their death, but rather with my therapist, wrote about it cried about it and went through the emotions and then a had a horrible nightmare of it recurring and my world was shattered. I had a panic attack and now I am definitely back to square one. What did I do wrong ? I know it takes time but I now feel like all the work leading up to me talking about it was a waste of time, because the terror is still there and now I am not sure how to handle these emotions, any suggestions.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sat, 22 Dec 2012 18:47:50 +0000

Caden,
About five or so years ago, I noticed a several instances where I tried to calm down an abusive person or tried to “soften” the situation out of a fear that he would escalate. That was eye opening. I realized in doing that, I was trying to control the abuser. It was sickening to me that I would try to power over someone else like that, even if it was an abuser. I decided that I needed to deal with my fears and be more direct so that I was using my power to change me instead of trying to change someone else.

All of that to say, trying to smooth things over never worked for me either. It’s generally accepted that you have to stand up to bullies or they won’t back down, but when the bully is in your family, you’re expected to “let it go”. That doesn’t make any sense.

Thanks for your insight.

Christina

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 02:33:00 +0000

Amber,
I felt weakened when others criticized me since it echoed the same thoughts my abusers had about me and how I learned to think of myself. I believed that not only were they right in what they said, but that they had a right to say it and to say it in a mean way. In the abusive system, when the abuser was right and I was wrong, that meant I deserved to die (maybe not a literal death, but some type of punishment). Also, when a weakness was discovered, that meant I didn’t deserve to live. Any violation of the “rules” of the abusive system meant it was okay to punish me. Some of the rules were: Be smart, be pretty, be skinny, be correct, be talented, be hard working, be fast…

Dealing with the layers of shame that abuse heaped on me helped me with that SO much. Now, those things don’t hit me in such a personal way. I don’t believe that I deserve to be treated meanly, no matter what “weaknesses” I have. It doesn’t feel life-threatening to be “caught” being imperfect now.

You asked what other options there are other than standing up for yourself or enduring abuse, but I don’t know any. Even when I don’t actually say anything, I still stand up for myself in my mind and heart and I’ve noticed that the message of “BACK OFF” comes through. There are some things that are just not worth my time or effort, but I still set a boundary in my heart. To me, that means acknowledging that the other person had no right to say or do those things. That’s acknowledging my right to define myself and my boundaries and what I’ll allow or not allow. Sometimes, my most empowering moments aren’t seen by anyone but me.

Thanks for your comment!

Christina

By: Caden

Caden — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 21:17:41 +0000

I can relate to this so much Christina. Trying to not react, trying to tolerate or calm them down never really worked–it just led to more abuse. My abusers never ‘let go’ of any opportunity to exercise their emotionally abusive hyper-criticism and judgement, so I’d much rather stand up for myself then “go with the flow” of an abusive situation today.

By: Amber

Amber — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 18:42:09 +0000

I like this sentence:
“When a healthy person realizes that he or she hurt you, they feel remorse and they make amends. It’s safe to be honest.” This doesn’t happen with abusers as it was stated in the article.

This other sentence is similar to my case:
“I’ve been physically, sexually, spiritually, financially, and emotionally abused and the most pain I’ve experienced is from the emotional abuse. The message of my dad’s sexual abuse communicated to me that I wasn’t good for anything except sex.”
This all happened with my therapist. Therapists are like parents during therapy. Therapist abuse is like an incest, some say it is rape at an emotional level.

This paragraph also called my attention: “The way I’m treated doesn’t actually define me. I’m valuable whether or not others recognize that. (…) I can afford to acknowledge the impact others have on me since I’m the one with the biggest impact in my own life.”

The problem is that when people say mean things or behave badly with me, it hurts me. Is that bad since we all are valuable and the way we are treated doesn’t define each of us? What are the other options besides standing up to yourself instead of enduring abuse?

Thank you for your comments.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 05:37:18 +0000

Martha,
There are many forms of sexual abuse and they don’t all include physical contact. It’s possible to have a sexualized relationship without sex. That can happen through things that seem more subtle like sexual comments, sexual looks, a sexually charged atmosphere in the home or even being exposed to a parent’s sexual preferences. Whatever the source of your feelings, I’m glad you’re detecting the lies you’ve been told about your value and know that you deserve to be treated better.

Christina

By: Martha

Martha — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 02:29:36 +0000

I’ve been physically, sexually, spiritually, financially, and emotionally abused and the most pain I’ve experienced is from the emotional abuse. The message of my dad’s sexual abuse communicated to me that I wasn’t good for anything except sex, but my mother’s emotional abandonment—treating me like I was invisible—told me that I wasn’t good for anything. With her, I had absolutely no impact. I couldn’t do anything, good or bad, to gain her attention or win her affection. It was like I didn’t exist. I don’t know any pain worse than that.

This paragraph exactly describes me , even my father didn’t sexually abuse me but I feel that I am nothing than a sexual being and for my mother I’m nothing too than a good certificate ”something to be proud of’ actually I hate my home , wish to be out as soon as possible , I can feel more safety outside
but I wanna ask if my feeling toward my father like that , is that means I was sexually abused by him , ?
thnx Christina

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 17:42:13 +0000

Henric,
Yes, there’s a huge difference. One comes from a lie (or a stack of lies) and the other is the fruit of working through those lies and finally coming to the truth.

The irony is that in telling myself to let it go, I was preventing myself from letting it go by not validating the damage that was done to me or the pain I was in.

Thanks for pointing that out and welcome to OSA!

Christina

By: Henric C. Jensen

Henric C. Jensen — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 17:13:32 +0000

there’s a difference between ‘letting it go’ as a survival tool and ‘letting it go’ once one has worked through the pain, the memories, the grief and having come to a core-firm understanding that ‘it was not my fault’, ‘i am a worthwhile person’. it becomes a sign of recovery.

the ‘letting it go’ as a survival tool is a sort of covering up the wound.
the ‘letting it go’ as a sign of recovery is something one reaches once the abuse no longer defines who i am or how i relate to the world. once it is ‘only’ part of my history, not an overt or covert part of my present.