Dysfunctional Family Holiday Survival Tips
Nov 20th, 2012 | By osa | Category: All Posts, Articlesby Christina Enevoldsen with Bethany Ruck
When I remember holidays with my family, I think of stress. The image that comes to mind is everyone else laughing and having a great time, while I was miserable. I don’t remember many holidays as a child, but as an adult, holidays used to be times of emotional abuse from my parents, mostly my dad, and from my ex-husband.
While we were married, the usual pattern for my ex was to work up my emotions right before we arrived at my parent’s house. He’d feign a misunderstanding or falsely accuse me of something or criticize me–whatever would upset me. By the time we arrived, I’d be on the verge of tears or I’d be angry. Then my parents would correct my bad attitude and all three of them would join against me for ruining the special day. My daughter, Bethany, and I were both the targets of comments about our weight or other parts of our appearance and whatever other “weakness” my dad could find.
In our healing from abuse, Bethany and I have learned a few things about getting through this stressful time of year. Now we know that we deserve to have a nice drama free holiday. We haven’t had a relationship with most of our family members in a few years and we celebrate the holiday differently each year–but each year, we make decisions based on what’s good for us rather than what tradition dictates or what is “expected” of us.
Being a child in a dysfunctional family taught me that I’m responsible for others and that caring for myself is wrong. I had a tendency to take care of other people’s feelings and to neglect my own. When I focus on them, I lose clarity about me.
I used to think people earned certain rights to me if they were “nice”. If they gave me gifts or said kind things to me, I believed that gave them access to me and that I couldn’t say no. But I’ve learned that nobody has the right to buy me or rent me through “loving” things they do. Love that comes with obligation isn’t really love.
I don’t have to label my family as abusive to justify not spending the holiday with them or to set boundaries with them. I’ve been in many relationships–with family and otherwise–where I didn’t feel comfortable walking away until I could prove they’d done something wrong. Now I know that I don’t have to be with anyone I don’t want to be with. I have permission to decide how to spend my time and who I spend it with. I don’t have to label them as bad to separate from them and being separate doesn’t make me bad.
Bethany and I have taken years to feel comfortable saying no without the need to offer an explanation or excuse. We’ve gotten better at saying “yes” to ourselves a little at a time. Now we are confident that we are adults and don’t need permission from anyone to chose what’s best for ourselves.
If you do chose to attend your family’s gathering, here are some tips we’ve found helpful:
1. Empower yourself by acknowledging the choices that you have and by deciding on your boundaries beforehand.
“I’ll join them, but I’m only going to stay for two hours.”
“If they start talking about embarrassing things I’ve done, I’m going to leave.”
“I’ll go but if they start getting drunk I’m leaving.”
2. Take an ally with you.
If your family treats you like a child, it’s easy to fall back into that role. Taking a friend can ground you to the present day and remind you that you’re an adult with choices. That may help you resist falling back into patterns of the past. Having an ally may help you feel more confident to walk away from poor treatment or to stand up to it.
Also, some family members may not be as likely to be abusive or disrespectful if you have someone with you who cares about you. They may not want a “witness” or anyone who would confirm how devaluing their treatment is.
3. Have an escape plan.
Make sure you have your own transportation and can leave anytime.
Only ride with someone who is willing to leave with you at any time or else have the number to a taxi service.
4. Know what coping methods to use and what not to use.
If you need to stay away from the adult drama, play with the children or keep busy by helping in the kitchen. Drinking won’t help you to stay empowered and may make you more vulnerable. Stay present so you can monitor the situation and your feelings and take action if necessary. If you feel the need to drink, let that be an indication that you are feeling stress about something and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
5. Plan another place to go in case you do need to leave.
Have a backup plan that’s nurturing. If you go home, have food prepared. Have a choice of comforting or empowering things to do–like watching movies or something else that you enjoy doing. Finish a project if you feel up to it or call a friend. If you’d prefer to be with a friend, let your friend know ahead of time that you may show up at his or her house and that you may not want to talk or you may need to talk things out.
I haven’t been around my family in years, but when I spoke to my father a few months ago, it stirred up a lot of emotions. First, I felt exhilarated for standing up to him. I was so proud of myself and I was on a high for a few days. Then, I reached a new level of truth and grief came with it. I realized in a deeper way that my dad would never love me or be the father that I wanted.
The encounter with my dad was on my terms and it was helpful to my healing, but it still left me exhausted. During that time, I took special care of myself. I reached out to supportive people and was more gentle with myself than usual. I ate healthy food and got a lot of rest. I never know what feelings will come up when I have contact with my “family”. Sometimes, I don’t feel much of anything and sometimes hearing from one of them stirs up a plethora of emotions. Often, I have a delayed reaction. Whatever my response, I’m careful to give myself the love that I never got from them.
Bethany and I no longer feel victimized by the people who supposedly love us and we choose to spend the holidays in ways that empower us. We wish the same thing for you this year. Whether or not you have a supportive family, we hope you know you’re not alone this holiday season. Your Overcoming Sexual Abuse family is always here for you. Happy Holidays!
In the spirit of the holidays, would you consider helping us meet our expenses? We need to cover our budget by the end of the year and we need your help. No matter the size of your tax-deductable donation, we very much appreciate it. The donate button is on the top right of this page and it’s fast and easy to use. Thank you!
Now that you’ve heard our experiences and thoughts about this, we’d love to hear yours. Please comment below and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments so you can continue to participate in the ongoing discussion. If you would like to protect your privacy, you don’t have to use your real name. Email addresses are never made public.
Related Posts:
Pain Surrounding the Holiday
I’m Re-gifting Christmas
Grieving & Celebrating Father’s Day
Unfriending My Abuser
What If My Family Rejects Me? Part III
Profile of an Abusive Family
My Parents Are Dead (To Me)
Christina Enevoldsen is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Christina’s passions are writing and speaking about her own journey of healing from abuse and inspiring people toward wholeness. She and her husband live in Los Angeles and share three children and five grandchildren.
Bethany Ruck is cofounder of Overcoming Sexual Abuse, an online resource for male and female abuse survivors looking for practical answers and tools for healing. Besides helping abuse survivors see the beauty within themselves, she enhances the beauty of others as a professional make-up artist and hair stylist and works in television, film and print.
This is awesome! I had stayed away from my family at holidays for years. Seems that when there is only one or two present the abuse is managable. But when the holidays come and they are all in the same location I am left feeling like I was hit by a tornado. I get accused of strange behavior, they treat my 11 yr old daughter as if she is 5. Then when the holiday is done, I am whispered about and called fruit loop. So i again said I would not do holiday dinner with family and then other family was told I showed up I invited? That won’t be a problem anymore. I have three invitations from my boyfriend, a close friend, my roommate and i am sure before it is all done several more will come in. So this year and from now on I will stick with where I am welcome, rather than trying to force something with family. And this all happened because I stood up to them.
Jen,
That’s so great that you stood up to your family too and stood up FOR you! I’m glad you’re seeing the benefits.
Your description of whispering they would do about you reminded me of my ex sisters-in-law. My ex-husband’s family gatherings were abusive in that way. Spending time with them just gave them more material for gossip. I’m so happy those days are over.
Happy Holidays,
Christina
That was a great read. I love your advise. Thank you so much for sharing.
Marc,
Thanks for your feedback, Marc. Welcome to OSA!
Christina
This week I am thankful for OSA !!!!
Thanks, Calvin. Me too!
i could relate a lot to this.
thanks for the great advice
i have been avoiding family holidays with my bro, mom and sis-in-law
i have had pathetic experiences with relatives was called names and
mentally tortured.
But had a great time with hubby’s friends.
I guess right company is important to enjoy any vacation…otherwise its better to roam alone.
And best to avoid disfunctional family
For years and years I felt obligated to do certain things, like fly across the country, for holidays… I would go to Churches I didn’t really resonate with and be around people who were doing things I didn’t want to be doing (like totally checking out in the guise of ‘having fun’). I just did it because it felt like a “have to.” I always coped with my self-negating decision by staying fueled with alcohol and kind of just got through. It would take me a month or so to bounce back or to feel like myself again every time I would go back to my home and community. It would take me a while to remember that “I am an adult, this is my life, I make my own choices.”
Now I just choose to do what I feel like doing for holidays and I get to decide what they even mean to me.
And that rocks
It’s freedom.
Piya,
I’m happy for you that you found people you enjoying being around. I agree that it’s such an important part of enjoying your time and that if you can’t find that, it’s better to be alone.
Before I started healing, I never considered being alone as an option. I was still operating from my childhood fears of abandonment and it’s taken a long time to face the many layers of that fear. Until I really dealt with that, my choices were so limited because I was so afraid of being rejected or alone. Options really opened up for me when I began to reconcile with myself and give myself the things I needed.
Happy Holidays,
Christina
Kylie,
I completely agree that freedom rocks! I can relate to having to make an effort to remember that “I’m an adult, this is my life, I make my own choices.” Dysfunctional families train us not to belief that truth. Yay for us for searching for the truth and living it! Thanks for sharing.
Christina
Thank you so much for this article. People think that because I choose not to have my verbally abusive father and sisters in my life that I must hate them. Not the case. I just don’t need negative in my life. Life is too short to put up with negitive! This year for the first time in 2 years I will see my sisters. I read your article to my husband and we made a game plan!
Melanie,
I’m so glad you came up with a plan. Please let us know how it goes for you and if you come up with any other ideas for empowering yourself. Thanks for your comment.
Happy Holidays!
Christina
Great read and story. I stopped doing obligatory holidays a while ago. My holiday with my mother around was so stressful and abusive. I would feel as though I was 15 years old and a total screw up. The I would resent all my time there and go home with an emotional hangover that took days to get over. This year I hung out with my aunt and my cousins with my family. Great day, lots of laughs and no tension. What a relief. I divorced my mother a year ago. After the initial pain, I am now finding freedoma nd relief. So good to read posts, knowing I am not alone. Thanks.
Elaine,
That’s so great that you aren’t manipulated by obligation anymore and are choosing what you want. Hooray for freedom!
I can relate to feeling like I was right back as a child. The truth is that feeling like a child shouldn’t feel bad at all. A child shouldn’t feel shamed and wrong all the time. A child shouldn’t feel powerless and invisible. It shouldn’t be a bad thing to be younger and smaller. Just the fact that “family” wants to put us in former roles reveals so much. Thanks for sharing!
Christina
This is awesome, I’ve been doing some of these since I got clean 6 years, the helped me alot. Not being around my blood family is hard, but my sober family makes up for it in a better way. Just have to say Thank you to you Ladies, for giving me the encouragement everyday to work on my past abuse issues!! I look forward to having my freedom back one day..
Thanks
Gretchen
Gretchen,
Congratulations on getting clean and standing up for yourself! It sounds like you’re well on your way to freedom. Thanks for sharing!
Christina
I am so happy I found your website.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by many but the one I want to talk about is my father. As a child and adult I have suffered from eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic, anxiety.
Three months ago my niece disclosed to me that that she was sexually abused by my dad at the age of 4. I was totally horrified. Being through many years of group counselling and one on one counselling I felt that I was on my way to recovery but when this was disclosed to me I have had so many feelings I don’t know what
to do with. Unfortunately my sexual abuse was disclosed by one of my brother’s wife’s when infact she had absolutely no right to say anything to my parents. This happened approximately 16 years ago. I was then told I was crazy by my dad, he was going to have a psychiatric assessment done on me (thank goodness I knew better), correspondence from the false memory syndrome, and my mom said she did not believe me as my dad had never done that to her. My memory recollects that this abuse by my dad happened when I was 10 years old. When it happened my mom was hospitalized for surgery and spent months recuperating in a convalescent home. My niece told me in confidence and does not want me to share it with anyone. I want to be able to share it with other family members but like me I was never believed by some family members, she feels the same way. At present I have no contact with my parents and even moreso since I found out what happened to my niece. My father has also brainwashed my daughter into believing him. It has hit me so very hard as my precious grandchildren are now 4 & 10 years old. I suffer from nightmares and the list goes on. Please help me.
I just found your website by accident. Thank God. My life too, has been filled with a long list of abusers, but oddly enough God spared me and gave me a decent and loving husband who has seen me go thru one emotional roller coaster ride after another. (can’t believe he’s stuck with me for 29 years) Our family was quite dysfunctoinal, but I’ve always been there for them everytime they needed me for something. I feel so guilty now, as this was the first Christmas that I have not been with them. My husband put his foot down and took his stand on being my “protector”. He prays for me every day and I know that has helped me enormously to start seeing the truth. The truth really does hurt. I think it’s especially hard when you love the Lord, and believe that it’s our “duty” to love everyone and to forgive…. Forgiving I can do (with His help of course), but I don’t know exactly yet, what real love is, or how to even love myself. I haven’t had the courage to confront my dad, since I know that he would deny everything and make me feel like a fool. (he’s very intimidating) Do you think it’s wrong to disassociate yourself from parents? The last time he called he told me that I would feel terrible if something happened to them (he and his new wife, who is extremely manipulating. My mother(a wonderful lady) passed away, due to the stress he put on her, I firmly believe) Anyway, how can I stop from feeling like a “bad” daughter and get some peace? Thanks.