I too jumped from a physical abusive relationship into the fire of a verbally and emotional relationship. I used to convince myself that it wasn’t as bad as the physical one, so I could be happy. Well, needless to say, it was just as bad. He didn’t want to change, so after 15 years I left. Duh!!! (now you know why it was so important for me to heal) I’ve spent most of my life trying to find someone to love me. It wasn’t until 10 years ago, that I did. I went into that relationship prepared with a list for him, telling him what I will not tolerate and what I had to have emotionally and physically from him. lol. Sounds funny, but I am so proud of myself for doing that. I had a perfect man finally, and I was able to experience real love. ( he passed away recently, but I am full of what a loving relationship is)

Anyway, I am so glad that your husband is trying and I hope you are able to know the fullest extent of what love is suppose to be.

I too had to take responsibility for my behavior concerning my children. It’s taking a long time to heal those broken hearts in them and to gain their trust in me as a mother. But they see the change in me and we communicate. I share my history with them. Not to ever make excuses for my behavior, but to explain where my false beliefs and lies were dominant in my life, and to help them overcome those same false beliefs and lies I showed them. We are able to communicate and they are able to understand. I allow them to be angry about it, and I share in their grief and pain and we are on the road to recovery.

I hope the best for you. I truly do. You deserve it, and you are worthy enough to have it!!! Patty

I’m so sorry that you have been abused also. I hope that as you continue on your healing journey that you realize you are not to blame. No matter what our childhood was like and we can put together the pieces of why we may have submitted to such abuse, it is never our fault for being abused. Abuse was done by the abuser. There is never a reason, or a cause, other than they chose to abuse. You are not to blame. ((hug))

As much as I do think about my present and my future, i also think very much about my past, because that past is a part of me. In order to heal my present and future, I have to first heal my past. I have to find that little girl and put her back together. And as much as it hurts me, to know that I was discounted or made to feel unworthy of healthy relationships, I know that it is a major part of my healing and becoming whole.

So, healing for us all, for as long as it takes, for as hard as it may be. For our present and our future. Forever we will stand on our truth and be strong enough to share it. We are valuable and we are worthy!!!!

Thank you so much for sharing and caring. Patty

It’s so disheartening to hear how other Survivors have been treated. I have always said, that as hard as it was to be abused, the “not caring” from my family and friends, seemed to hurt me more. When I was being abused I felt every day, that I didn’t know if I was going to live through out the night. I fought for my life by trying to be perfect and not mess up.

And then, once I was able to remove myself from that abuse, and share my story with my family, to be told that my abuse and my pain and my fear was not valuable enough to even listen???? Wow. I felt like I had a knife stuck in my heart. This is what I had to discover the truth about. Why am I not valuable to my family?? Why is my pain swept under the rug like dirt on the floor? For years I battled with this. For years I tried to share my pain and how my abuse affected me. How I was afraid of the dark. How I would dissociate each time I tried to make a meal. How driving in a car would cause me to find myself in unknown places. Yet, no one seemed to care.

And then, I realized, that I was always discounted. As a child, I never had a voice. As a child, my needs and pain never mattered. It’s not the abuse that has kept them silent and uncaring. It’s because they always were that way toward me. That was a major break through for me. Now I understand. Now, I am free to continue to share my story, even when it involves those I love. Because now I don’t have to worry about how this will effect them. The truth is, I never did.

You are not alone!!! Your story can and will affect many. And we care!! We feel your pain, we understand your fight to gain control over your life. We care. I care!!!! Patty

I too have dealt with fellow chiristians telling me to forgive and then forget and then shut up about it. How terribly invalidating that is to anyone who has been abused. First of all, forgiveness should only be done when we are ready to forgive. It’s more than just “doing it” it’s a heartfelt matter. And forgiveness is done for me. Not for the abuser. Forgiveness helped me to overcome the bitterness and hatred in my heart. I didn’t like who I had become. But, forgiving does not mean that we remain silent nor does it mean that we have to now, allow our abusers back into our lives and give them another chance. Forgiveness is strictly between me and God. It doesn’t mean that since I have forgiven that I now need to act as tho nothing happened, nor do I now have socialize with my abuser and become friends with them. I was taught this. And because I was taught this, it was so hard for me to forgive. I tried so many times but the more I did it their way, the more I felt like a failure and weak.

Now, because I was ready, I am free of the fog that encircled my soul. I am free to have a relationship with God and not feel as tho I failed Him.

As far as talking about your abuse, only those who don’t want to hear it or who don’t truly care, are the ones who try to find ways to silence you. And it could be a whole church because of the false beliefs that they have about ” talking about others is gossip and a sin.” Gossip is gossip only when it is false. But how can telling the truth and sharing your story, your past, your life be a sin? You didn’t abuse, you were abused. By telling your story, you are sharing a truth, not a lie. And you should not be made to feel like you should be ashamed of it. You are only telling your story, it was the abuser who caused the crime, not you.

Sharing our story, our life, our abuse, is an important part of healing. Not only to face the truth, but to be able to share that truth. To say, I have been abused, I am valuable, I am worth the time it takes for you to hear my story. This happened to me. It isnt’ going to disappear, it’s not going to go away. This is what happened to me. We deserve to be validated and we deserve the right to share it. By sharing it, we lose people along the way because they honestly don’t care. They don’t care enough to try and understand our pain, and they may not care enough because it stirs up their own pain. But our healing is not depended upon what others think or believe. It depends on what we believe. Do we believe we are valuable enough to share our story and to not feel ashamed in doing so?

Healing is for us. Forgiveness is for us. Anyone who tries to stop us and shame us into silence is not for us. They are speaking and living out of the abuse world. The very one we are trying to get free of. ((hug)) Patty

I had thought myself as someone who would never, ever tolerate abuse in a marriage, yet here I am, having left one husband who was verbally, sexually, and physically abusive, and I remarried to someone who has been verbally and emotionally abusive. The only reason I’ve stayed with my current husband is he’s taken some accountability; he’s sought help and he’s admitted he has a serious problem. A counselor has also suggested he may be experiencing dissociative episodes.

I also admit I have been physically and verbally abusive in both marriages and with my children, because as has been pointed out, that was “normal” in my world once upon a time. I feel sometimes like I’ve been in some sort of car crash where I’ve had to learn to walk and talk all over again, expect in respect to how I treat others, and how I allow others to treat me. I’m in my 40s and I still feel like I have such a long way to go.