To me, her emotional abuse are by far worse than anything my stepfather did. I know that may seem odd, but it is true. Her betrayal and continued denial are infinitely more damaging.

But after years of prayer, I have come to realize that I no longer feel guilty for feeling nothing for her or her dead husband. I did not cry at my stepfather’s death and I will not cry at my mother’s.

When I was an early teenager, my father started to sexually abuse me but did not get very far because I called him out on it, and told my mother (who did not believe me initially, and I’m still not sure she believes me now). All I got from my father was “If you think that’s what I did, I’m sorry, but I know I didn’t do that”. A few months earlier, I was sexually abused by a family acquaintance during one of my parents’ numerous dinner parties. My mother did not seem to believe me then either. I don’t know what they told the guy, but they never got him arrested. And I was left with fear for my own safety. My whole life, under their FACADE of being such sweet caring people, I had to live with my lack of self-esteem because of these types of incidents (and there are many that were not sexual too, but also very traumatizing). I was suicidal at 18. In my 20′s I suffered from debilitating panic attacks (almost to the point of not being able to leave my house, and not being able to sleep either). The panic attacks were almost constant. Again, I kept on trying to find ways of ending my life. I’m now 49 and have a hard-working, loving and trustworthy husband, two most adorable teenage kids (almost young adults), and 4 adorable pets. Yet I’m unable to be completed happy. I haven’t been on speaking terms with my parents in the past 6 years, and have been feeling ultimately rejected by my father when she clearly chose to stay with my father and give her full support, even though she knows exactly what he did. He didn’t do these things only to me. All his skeletons are coming out of the closet (he also molested my brother’s daughter for approximately 5 years; he had an affair with my mother’s best friend as well as with another random woman we didn’t know; he sexually molested that best friend’s daughter , he got my dog put to sleep just for his convenience, and the list goes on). But for some reason I resent my mother so much more for her choosing my father over me, her daughter who was the victim. I understand why she did it. She has no financial security without him, and he also managed to keep her down with his subtle yet demeaning remarks. But still, I cannot get over the fact that she chose my father over me. It was the ultimate low blow which confirmed to me that I’m not good enough for anyone to make an effort. So to date, because of all this turmoil in my heart, I feel as if I’m only surviving with lots of psychological, physiological, and physical issues to deal with.

But now my mother’s dying. I haven’t got a clue what I should do. I already visited a couple of time last month. I regret to say that I have lost love for my mother and father. It’s more like pity now. What should I do? I also don’t want my husband and kids to partake in these toxic relations. And I also don’t want to feel defeated (because that’s how I’d feel if I caved in and resume my relationship with my parents. It doesn’t stop the fact that I feel like a horrible person for not helping my parents in their time of need. Sadly, I think this feeling will never go away. What I’m trying to say is really be true to yourself no matter what you do. It may feel like the wrong thing but really is the right thing.

Anyway, I know that I’ll never feel quite right, and I will always have those scarring flaws of mine to deal with in my heart. But I promised myself that the abuse and lack of respect stops here, and to never subject my children to the stuff I had to go through. As for my mother. I will visit once more, but I will not be able to tell her that I love her, because I no longer do.