Comments on: When An Abuser Dies

By: Julie Anne

Julie Anne — Sun, 19 May 2013 17:57:37 +0000

My dad’s health started failing about 10 years ago. That was when I decided to try to reconcile with him. However, lately I am remembering how I was 10 years ago and the kind of person I am now. I feel like I was better off then–more emotionally equipped to handle life.

If it weren’t for my sisters being born in the early 1990s, I would have stopped talking to my dad a long time ago. I’ve been wondering if I made a huge mistake trying to reconcile with him now. His health is getting worse and I’m starting to see traits of what he was like while I was still living at home.

There was a time when I believed he was genuinely sorry for what he has done. He even seemed to be living somewhat of a healthier life–involving people in it and not isolating himself. Then, I didn’t worry as much. However, the secret is out and social services knows what he has done to me.

By the way…

He fled from where I am from to up north when he first found out the crime he committed was investigated. I wonder to this day if he ever did anything to my sisters, but have no way of knowing because they are disabled and can barely even talk. How would I ever know the truth?

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Mon, 13 May 2013 04:50:26 +0000

Shel,
I’m so glad you know that you’re not alone and that your situation isn’t unusual. My dad has suffered from deteriorating memory too and when I discovered that, one of the emotions I felt was anger. I felt like I was being mean to stand up to him in his weakened condition. However, I’m not taking advantage or powering over a weaker person the way he did with me when I was a child. I don’t take joy in his suffering but even though I care about his feelings, I’m not backing down from speaking the truth. I’m standing up for what’s right even if it hurts his feelings. It would be good for him to face the truth about what he did to me, so I believe it’s the most loving thing to do for him and for me.

Thanks for sharing your feelings too.

Christina

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Mon, 13 May 2013 04:40:32 +0000

Kat,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. I’m glad to hear that you have some family support. That’s awesome! I’m also glad that you’re considering your needs right now in this difficult situation. Funerals are for the ones left behind so whatever you think is the best way to grieve for you is the best.

One of the things that really bothers me is when other people tell me what I’ll regret. It’s so dysfunctional to get THEIR feelings confused with MINE. How can someone else get inside my skin with all my history and emotions and thoughts and predict how I’ll feel about something in the future? That’s just not realistic. Besides, my decisions are mine to make and I’ll live with the results–pleasant or unpleasant.

The truth is that there will be pain either way. When I’m stuck in indecision, one of the questions I ask myself is, “What would be the most life affirming thing I can do for myself right now?” That’s the direction that has never led to regrets.

Christina

By: Kat

Kat — Sun, 12 May 2013 21:46:47 +0000

Hiya,
My dad was an alcoholic and sexually abused me from the age of 8 till I was 18. Like others I cant believe I was that old but I was scared of him and what he was capable of. I’m now nearly 40. He was a violent sadistic drunk of a man who physically and mentally abused my mum and brothers especially my oldest brother. When he was sober he had a good sense of humour, built things for the garden, taught us how to ride a bike. But even sober he could have a temper. We nicknamed him Jekyll and Hyde.
My brothers were unaware of my abuse until I had my first child at the age of 26 when I had the overwhelming emotion of being a parent and the love I had for my baby and how ANYONE could hurt their children when all they should do is protect them. It was then that i decided to keep my child safe and cut my dad out my life once and for all. This is when it all came out again. It was spoke about when i ran away from home just after my 19th birthday which is between christmas and new year. but we kept it quiet from my brothers then too. I was ashamed. I also found my relationship with my mother strained as I tried to come to terms with her pleas of “not knowing what was going on” just too hard to believe as my dad had drummed it into me from Day 1 that my mum knew what he was doing. Even though I was an adult by this time I still believed him and couldn’t understand why she let him carry on doing this so in my eyes she ALSO didn’t protect. When I made this decision there was a lot of hoohaa from other family members about why I was stopping my parents being involved with my baby and my life. I was being selfish and god knows what else they said. I still however didn’t let on to the aunts or uncles or cousins as to why. To protect my granny from finding out what a pig of a man her son was. It would have broke her heart. I thought. My immediate family fell apart. My other big brother took a stand with me and disowned my dad. My little brother we kinda shielded at the time from knowing too much. I felt shame and embarrassment so wanted as little/none of our relatives to know. I also had at the back of my mind what my father used to say to me. If I told anyone then I would be put in a home for bad girls, the newspapers would report all about me and nobody would ever talk to me again. This I now know was all mind games to keep me quiet. Anyway, my mum finally decided to leave this man when my son was 2 years old as she chose to have us in her life over him. For her it was the best thing she ever did. We have since been building up a mother daughter relationship but I think I have deep ingrained issues of anger towards her which I get annoyed at myself for. My mum is 70 in September and was with him since she was 22 till she was 59. She’s had an awful life. We have had our issues over the last ten years regarding my abuse but mainly we have moved on. well try to. She keeps bringing it up. I just want to forget about it now. I have an amazing family of inlaws who are all good people and we are all close. It was my mother in law who took me in, away from my father when I had just turned 19 even though my partner and I had only been dating for 2 months. She was a kind of substitute mum when I needed it. She still is. I have since had two more children. All of whom have no idea who my dad is. Like another comment on this website I used to be threatened by my dad that if I ever got pregnant he would come kill me, kill the baby and kill the guy who done it to me. This was a fear I had for a long time. My body was his and he liked to be in control. I tried going to a counsellor but didn’t like the fact they just wanted me to talk. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. That what he did WAS wrong. I needed answers. So luckily I had a terrific bunch of pals who I bonded with over wine and alcohol. And we talked. And talked. And talked. Till eventually some years on I realised I wasnt scared of the brute anymore. I was a grown up and I’d survived and become a strong person. I have an amazing family and amazing friends and best of all an amazing partner (we’ve never married. Who would give me away? Who would traditionally pay for my wedding? Certainly not my paedophile dad.) And three beautiful children. Two boys and a daughter. I dread the time she turns 8 years old and I look at her and feel sick to my stomach.
Anyway, to get to the point. My dad died on Thursday. Four days ago. I have cried. Ive got angry. I’m confused. I dont understand how I can be sad and upset for a man I hated. Who I feared to bump into in the street. After reading some of these comments I realise that its natural to grieve. For the dad I used to know and if I’m honest…. wish I still had ….. but in a healthy way. But it will never happen. I will never have a normal father daughter relationship where I’m proud of him and someone I was to look up to. I grieve for the relationship I might have had. I feel for my brothers who have their own memories and thoughts which are a million miles from my own. I feel for my auntie and uncles and cousins who knew my dad in a different way. They never had to live with his drunken violent ways. They seen the nice guy. Not the wild man with the selfish jealous wicked attitude.
I have agonised over it but have made the decision to not attend his funeral. I’ve never had anything to do with him for near 21 years but nearly 14 years for definite. I hated him. He tried to ruin my life. I’ve kept my children from him. I never got him charged as I thought him losing all of us was punishment enough plus I’ve not wanted my children to know. Not yet. However, my auntie, his sister, has expressed her disappointment to my mum in my decision to not attend. My brothers are all going and think I will regret not going. This is causing me huge upset as the last thing I want is to upset them. But I feel I am reliving the whole nightmare all over again as there WILL be questions asked and I dont know if his filthy dirty unforgivable secret will be uncovered. Not by me. But by someone trying to defend me. Ie. My middle brother or my two big cousins both female. We have a really big family. My mum is 100% behind me whatever my decision as is my mother in law and partner. But nevertheless. I am confused. Very. Thanks for reading my huge spiel. Maybe you will have some wise words of wisdom that I could ponder over thankyou xxxxx

. Istill how

By: Shel

Shel — Sun, 12 May 2013 16:18:53 +0000

Wow! You all do not know how valuable this entry and the comments have been to me. I started remembering instances of molestation and incest by my father after he beame ill with Alzheimer’s disease. No matter how often my therapist told me that I was remembering now because it was finally safe to do so, I still believed I had to be insane or some sort of disgusting person for making these things up when my father could not defend himself. Just knowing that other people have had memories after the death of the perpetrator has been enlightening. I feel much better knowing that others have recovered memories in the same way.

By: sam

sam — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 20:50:57 +0000

thank you for this very moving and touching and also turbulent insight.. I was not sexually abused yet I worked with young children who had been seriously! abused, I hold the the youngsters I worked with very close to my heart, and years on I still have difficulty in coming to terms with these beautiful but very damaged lives that struck me so warmly and the the knowledge of there past.. .. your wonderful bravery and insight was very inspiring…
thank you..

By: Anon

Anon — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 04:42:16 +0000

Thank you for posting this and to all the commenters. Recently my father who molested me for years finally died. Still going through the emotions and deal with the aftermath. Including having so many more flashbacks and suppressed memories come back now that this monster is finally dead. It is comforting to see so many others feeling the same range of emotions – happy, confused, sad at what could have been etc.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 16:41:00 +0000

Marc,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to the avalanche of emotions coming out after denying them for so many years. I had a hard time with that too. I was used to burying my feelings with all kinds of addictions like working and eating, so I was inexperienced in actually processing them.

The two most difficult emotions have been the anger and the pain and it’s been a process to learn to handle them in healthy ways. As frightening as my anger was, the pain felt even more threatening. I felt like it would swallow me up so I constantly tried to outrun it. I discovered that running from my pain echoed the same abandonment that I experienced in childhood from my parents. They couldn’t tolerate my pain and left me alone with it. To cope with that, I learned to cover it up and that habit lasted until I started to heal. Every time I refused to acknowledge my hurt, I was denying myself the comfort that I needed. It’s been amazingly validating to be able to sit with my pain and to care for myself the way I should have been cared for as a child.

The anger has been validating too. It’s a declaration that I deserved to be treated better. Every time I feel anger, it’s a reminder that I’m valuable and worth protecting. It’s meant to signal me and motivate me to protect myself, which I wasn’t allowed to do as a child. There was NO protection then.

I handle my anger in a variety of ways. Sometimes current situations, usually boundary violations, trigger a much stronger reaction than what the situation really calls for. It’s not just the current situation that I’m feeling, but the unprocessed boundary violations from the past so it comes out strong. My dad used to be really angry and use tiny infractions to really let us have it. I can recognize now that he was waiting for any excuse to release the emotions that were building up and it didn’t have anything to do with me or my brother. Because of that, I’m careful not to make anyone else responsible for my anger. When I need a physical release, I beat my pillow or hit it on the bed or scream into it. I’ve heard a lot of people say they go running or some other strenuous activity. I feel a lot clearer headed once I let it out and it’s easier to sort out what I need to do then.

Now, I’m good at separating the past from the present and not overreacting, but it’s taken a lot of time. It all started with self-validation. When I learned to listen to myself, I sensed the emotions rising before I felt out of control and that’s helped so much.

On a semi-related note, you mentioned that you felt guilty for sharing the “burden” of your abuse with your partner. In a healthy, loving relationship, sharing those things isn’t a burden. The things that happened to you were awful and they caused a lot of damage. Trying to hide the effects of the abuse in an intimate relationship can produce a lot of pressure, which only adds to the avalanche of emotions. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You’re important and it’s okay to ask for understanding and patience and compassion.

Christina

By: marc bellfield

marc bellfield — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 14:09:22 +0000

Hello there i have just read your story as i am trying to understand my own emotions and thoughts,i was sexually abused 1 time to my knowledge at the age of 12,it wasnt anything violent or particularly nasty,but it did shatter my ability to trust and love,it also gave me a heightened senses of people wanting to hurt me,this kept me relatively safe in the years that followed when i was trying to obliterate myself with drink and drugs.
Here i am 20 years later and the one man in my life who i trust implicitly and love with no bounds has died,he was my grandfather from my mothers side,i found this very hard to deal with and then i find out my abuser wants to come to my grandfathers funeral to support my parents,the abuser is my stepfathers dad,i feel he wanted to come to make sure i dont break down and reveal his dirty little secret.
Ive carried this for 20 years it has nearly killed me several times and it has almost destroyed my relationship with the mother of my children whom i love dearly,however i sometimes feel she is attacking me and saying things that she is quite simply not doing,my reaction to which is very destructive…i am looking to find help although i do not feel strong enough to shed light to my family even though i know it will answer many questions they have had over the last 20 years my partner knows and now i feel guilty for passing over some of the burden to her,if you have any suggestions or advice it would be greatly received,councilling did help a little but it did not help me process the emotions,infact it made it worse because i was uncovering emotions i had never known before and was unable to deal with those so i ended up with even more weight,i did also encounter many forms of abuse as a child,mental and physical just added to the pain of sexual abuse..i have no desire to transfer my burdon to other children and i am firm that my pain ends with me,but i do worry that my reactions to my partner will damage my children in ways i cannot comprehend as yet..apologies for bad grammar and punctuation and thankyou for sharing your terrible ordeal with us.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 17:30:06 +0000

Gentle hugs to you, Lori.