Comments on: Is It Possible to Heal From Abuse Without Therapy?

By: ellie

ellie — Mon, 27 May 2013 16:33:31 +0000

hi, my name is ellie and i’m from nigeria. i just recently decided to stop running from my past and try to deal with it. i was abused as a child and i cant get over it. how do i face my past? can any1 help me?

By: Yvonne

Yvonne — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 09:38:13 +0000

Hi everybody,

I am new and I hope someone reads this…I am blessed to find your wonderful website. I feel right at home reading all your stories and comments. I have struggled with the same abuse issues that you write about. I am trying to read all of this website and this thread really spoke to me. I also have tried therapy with several of these “so-called” therapists basically getting nowhere. A friend of mine agreed with me that many of these “therapists” can be very pushy and angry if you cannot do healing work fast enough according to their timetable. My experiences were that many of them were either cold and uncaring–(only caring about the money–LOL!) or totally clueless about my very real pain–(like a college textbook knowledge having no real world experience.) I would also be criticized for having a FOO background where I was an only child and my family lived in a large home in a nice upper class neighborhood–(my father had a high paying job but not wealthy.) Then these “therapists” would seem to imply that abuse was the “price” that I had to pay for living in a nicer neighborhood. Of course, I would then explain saying that is my past and now I am a single adult with a not very high paying job–(doing honest work)–living alone, and barely making ends meet! Plus, there were no other kids in the house to take any of the abuse.

I have learned to heal my past in an eclectic manner through books and websites. Plus I found a few good friends through my spiritual groups who shared similar abuse issues and I did not feel so alone anymore. It took me a long to realize that it was not my fault and I could not have done anymore than I did to survive. I have more to share….thanks so much!

Yvonne

By: irene bouchard

irene bouchard — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 09:56:35 +0000

Rebekah,
Good for you that you have the will to seek out help and the kind you think you need. I think we should listen to our sixth sense more often.

Welcome to this site. This site would have been so helpful to me when I was going to therapy, about 15 years ago. I so much wanted to know that I was no alone. My father was my abuser, my mother did no care.
My self-esteem was in the gutter, like yours was.

Therapy for me was life saving. I think the real shockaroo was when i started mentioning it others after in therapy for some time, I found there were many more who would come to me to talk. Now I can sense a survivor when I bring up the topic. I just let them know that there is help. Now I will have this website to refer them to.

I still go to my therapist for tune-ups now and then. Keep going friend you are on the mend…
Irene

By: Tim

Tim — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 03:03:55 +0000

Today is a great day for victims of sexual abuse, especially male victims. I would have loved to see the man that abused me see the same fate as Sandusky . He will rot in prison and live the rest of his days in shame. My abuser unfortunately got to live out the rest of his days at home until he died many years ago. I have no problem living through these other victims and finding some type of closure for myself. I hope that this gives other victims the strength to step up and report their abuse to the proper authorities. Justice has been served and this animal’s reign of terror is over . No more children will be hurt by him!!

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 06:37:56 +0000

Rebekah,
Welcome to OSA! I’m glad you found us and that you know you’re not alone. That’s wonderful that you’re making progress in your healing and figuring out what you need and making adjustments as you go. That’s vital for each of us, no matter the tools we use. Thanks for sharing.
Christina

By: Rebekah

Rebekah — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 23:41:16 +0000

It has been comforting to actually read all of these posts and to find this website. I am 22 and had 2 separate experiences when I was young. When I was 11 I was molested by a 14-year-old boy. At 14 I was abused by my best friend’s uncle. Though the abuse stopped, one of the lasting consequences was a spiral into a 7 year addiction. I finally got control of my life at 19, was happy, and finishing college. I had told my parents of the incident when I was 11 as soon as it happened, and they handled it very well. They immediately went to the boy’s parents, who got him professional help (many would wonder why no legal action, but I have to come to truly believe that he did not intend me harm. We were very close friends, and I was very physically affectionate–cuddly and such. I don’t believe he realized that an 11 year old is not on the same hormonal page as a 14 year old boy and thought that what he was doing was something I would want. We have since made amends and though I struggle with the consequences, I can say I truly forgive him.)
My parents had me meet with a religious leader just to make sure that I knew I had done nothing wrong and make sure I was OK. I don’t think I really understood though what the impact would be. I struggled with depression, extreme shyness/being closed off, and was never easily able to make friends. I never told my parents about my friend’s uncle for fear I would lose my friend, one of my few close friends.
Just before I turned 21, my mom suddenly asked me if I ever thought about what happened when I was 11. I have 3 younger sisters who are all a little boy crazy and love to date. I have never had a boyfriend or dated someone. I go on a date or 2 here and there, but that is it. My mom asked me if that was the reason I didn’t date. It definitely had contributed. I knew I was very uncomfortable around men, I did not enjoy being touched, I hated car rides alone with a guy, etc. I told my mom that maybe I was a little uncomfortable but that it wasn’t a big deal, I was fine. I was and am still uncomfortable talking about it with my parents, or anyone. I often feel embarrassed by the stories and how much it has affected my life. My mom asked me if I thought I needed counseling to which I said a strong no. But she started to insist, so I made a deal that if she did everything, found the counselor, got an appointment set it up and all I had to do was walk in, that I’d go at least once. My mom is the type to forget these things or procrastinate. Well…she didn’t forget. And at the end of October (this conversation happened in February) I had a falling out with my closest friend after only being friends a short time, a pattern in my life. My mom came to me and told me she had been speaking with a counselor in Tucson and described to him my “symptoms” and he agreed with her that I would benefit from counseling. She had found a counselor, already called her and set everything up. 3 days later I was sitting in a session. And it was horrible.
I felt invaded, being forced to discuss things I hadn’t discussed in 10 years. The counselor’s style didn’t fit me, I felt like she was always half asleep. She just wanted me to talk away without a whole lot of input. That’s not me. I progress when I can have a conversation with someone, not when I am asked to just talk and explain “where” I felt uncomfortable, and “how” I felt uncomfortable. I stuck with it because losing that particular friend was a huge emotional loss to me and I realized maybe I had some issues. I am a deeply religious person and believe strongly healing comes through Christ, but this was not discussed at all with my counselor. Our insurance isn’t very good and they did not cover any counselors of my faith so we were making do. Finally in the end December/beginning of January, I knew something had to change. I had made things terribly worse with this friend and what strangled pieces of our friendship was left were erased. I was deeply depressed, often sleeping 13-15 hours a night and only getting up for work, not exercising, eating very little.
I talked to my parents (who were paying for everything) and asked them if I could switch to religious counseling and told them that I really felt it would better benefit me, and they readily agreed. I was paired up with another counselor, a male counselor, which scared me at first, but ended up being alright. This counselor did a good job, but his training and approach was focused on depression and relationships. It was what I needed at the time, and helped me realize I had some things to work on and gave me some great insights. But it has reached a point where it no longer is helping. His approach is a short-term, “get out there and get going” approach, which was perfect for helping me pull myself out of the depression, but not really tailored to my experiences with abuse.
I am in the process of trying to see a new counselor, one who specializes in treating sexual abuse. And interestingly, treats abusers as well. I am interested to see her perspectives. She also has a “Safe Touch” program in which, if I agree, she is allowed to make small, “safe touches”–for example to reach over and squeeze a shoulder or a hand during a counseling session in an effort to help those (like me) who have disconnected from touch. I actually think that will help me, as I am stiff even giving hugs.
I have questioned a lot if counseling is really what I need. Were my experiences really enough to make me feel the way I do? I feel like there is something wrong with me often. I feel isolated and unwanted. Even when I am told I am great by people, I feel I have a bland and undesirable personality, like I am not worth someone taking the time to get to know, like I am not worth someone’s time or worth sticking around for, and I stubble feeling abandoned. I have a great family who loves me so much, but I don’t live at home and outside of them, I don’t have many relationships/friendships that last.
I have decided to continue with counseling and I see the benefits of it. For me, I have reached a point where I can’t bottle up any more inside. I just want to talk to somebody, just tell somebody how I feel. Unfortunately, I don’t ave any close or trusted friends. That is part of why I think counseling will be beneficial for me–I am 22, have no close friends to speak of, am not really interested in dating, don’t like being touched, and yet I crave so badly to have healthy, meaningful, human relationships. I am hoping that through counseling I can learn how to heal, to bring down the defensive walls, to learn how to reconnect with myself and to learn how to connect with people. I know a counselor can’t wave a magical wand and make all of those things happen, I know I will have to do the work. But with my experiences so far with counseling (even the bad ones), I have found that they can offer insight I haven’t seen. They can help me realize what thought patterns I need to change. And they can offer the support that I don’t have anywhere else.

By: Linda

Linda — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 05:02:36 +0000

Tim,
You are so blessed that you found a therapist to help you. I think that most of the ones I tried did more harm than good. Only one person outside of my home, a minister from my childhood, told me the truth when I was finally able to tell my husband and utltmately this very kind man. He said that he had suspected something was wrong with my family, but with no proof, he could do nothing. This was in the 60′s and no one talked about it.

I had been raped and molested from the age of four by my father…something started by my mother. I was 36 before I was able to say it aloud. I did not block it out. I cannot forget it. I remember the first time as clearly as I do the last, at age 16. The good things of my childhood are what I cannot remember. And I was tied to that hell until I was 22 and married a man that I only knew for six weeks. Someone I am still married to and was sent by God to save me from utter destruction.

My trust of most people is almost nonexistent because of the response I have gotten from almost everyone else besides these two good men. But these websites have been an outlet for me. I am 63 and will carry the pain of my childhood to my grave.

But I thank God that some, like you, have been able to find someone to help and understand,

Hugs and prayers,

Linda

By: Tim

Tim — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 04:07:35 +0000

Well I guess there is good and bad in every profession . I am just really lucky that I found a great therapist through the VA. It took me 4 or 5 to find one that I could trust. She is amazing and has helped me finally find the strength to open up and I have yet to hear any of these things from her that i’m seeing on this board .Most times all she does is listen. I guess that’s what I need most right now it was literally killing me . I held in so much in the last 25-30 years. I owe my life to her.

By: Linda

Linda — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 20:26:39 +0000

I was so relieved to hear that I am not the only one who had problems getting help from therapists. No one even talked about sexual abuse until Oprah brought it to television. I am 63 and spent years thinking that I was the only one…that something had to be wrong with me.

One psychologist told me that there were others “who were worse off than me”. A psychiatrist said that “to err is human, to forgive divine” and that as soon as I forgave my parents and “healed” our family, I would feel better about myself? I don’t know what planet he came from.

Another, the wife of a friend of my husband’s, immediately stereotyped me, saying that because I was overweight, she should have known I had been sexually abused as a child and was convinced that I had a substance abuse problem (because I said that I don’t drink and have never used drugs that I was just in denial).

I began to think that all of the professionals were as crazy as I was. Strangely enough, the psychologist used cocaine and my husband’s friend’s wife lost her medical license because she wrote herself false prescriptions for narcotics.

But it is people like all of you and websites such as this that have been the most help. Those and my husband of 40 years. He reads these blogs with me and the letters and often encourages me to write about my feelings.

Thank you all so much for sharing…..

Hugs and prayers,
Linda

By: Janet825

Janet825 — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 17:21:26 +0000

Sandra, I can see why mailing the letter could be helpful: it has a feeling of defiance about it – not needing to care about the feelings of your abuser! Way to go!!