by Jennifer Stuck
When I first started opening up about my childhood sexual abuse, I felt like I was carrying a deep dark secret that made me different from other survivors. It was the part of my story I always skipped over when talking about my abuse—something I could barely admit to myself, let alone anyone else. It was the fact that my body responded to the sexual abuse I received as a young child.
When my abuse first began, he would perform oral sex on me (when I had no idea what that was or that it was wrong) and then he would tell me I had to do the same for him. Every time I didn’t want to do one of the disgusting things he requested, he reminded me that he had done the thing that felt good to me, so I had to return the favor.
I learned to hate myself and my body, and I blamed myself for the abuse. I thought I must have just been an over sexual kid and brought it on myself.
But in reality, I never asked to be sexually stimulated, or for the “responsibility” he placed on me of pleasuring him in return. The fact is, the human body is made to respond to sexual stimulation, and my body was designed just like adult —with one important difference. As a child, I was supposed to be allowed to go through a natural process of maturating and discovering sexuality on my own. Unfortunately, my abuser interfered with that process.
Thankfully, now I know that although they are rarely talked about, sexual stimulation and even orgasm are extremely common during rape and abuse, and it doesn’t mean that I wanted it or enjoyed it and it didn’t make my abuse any less traumatic. Through my healing, I’ve come to see how my abuser manipulated my body as a way to manipulate my mind and keep me submissive to his abuse.
Now as an adult I can clearly see that it wasn’t my fault that I was abused, or that my body responded to the abuse. And since opening up about my experience, I’ve found that I’m far from alone. I for one won’t stay silent anymore. I don’t have to be ashamed about my abuse and I won’t keep it secret ever again.
Does this resonate with you? Please join in by leaving your thoughts and feelings about this topic and don’t forget to subscribe to the comments.
Related Posts:
The Truth About Blame
Child-on-Child Abuse: It’s No Game
Getting to the Truth: The Role of Truth in Our Recovery
Jennifer Stuck is whole-heartedly pursuing physical and emotional health and is determined to heal the wounds of her childhood sexual abuse. She loves to write, especially poetry. She is currently studying for a career in Physical Therapy. When she isn’t in school Jennifer is at home spending time with her two beautiful daughters.
THANK YOU SO MUCH JENN…..THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TIME I ALSO ADMIT I FLET STIMUATED… OMG… I ALSO NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS UNTIL MUCH LATER IN AGE..I …NEVER ADMITED THIS TO MYSELF UNTIL NOW
SICK TO MY STOMACH WANT TO JUST
GO AND HIDE UNDER A ROCK
Wow Jen, what a powerful blog. I know this will help many to overcome the shame of the fact that their bodies may have responded to abuse. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this openly. Learning to accept our bodies and the natural way that our bodies are designed to function can help so much in overcoming the aversion to anything that appears to be sexual in nature. I know even as a young child, I had a curiosity about sexual things that came much sooner that I was prepared for because of my abuse. I always felt guilty for thinking about anything sexual.
when i was about 7 or 8 i was caught offering two brothers from up the road a chance to give me oral and i would do it to them, when i was taken home to my parents they jsut laughed and brushed it off as a joke. i have always wonder what made me ask these boys to give me those feelings as i wasnt getting them somewhere else, and if that was the case who did it to me 1st? also i ahve always wondered about my parents reaction, especially as they had both had bad experiences whith their fathers liking little kids. anotherset of boxes that i carnt yet access.
now i try ot to think about the whys or wherefores of that day as i dont have enough other memories to put it into any context, and until i have i cannot change what has happened so im not goning to beat myself up over it til i do
Exactly Linda, and that guilt about having sexual feelings as a child led to guilt about sex as an adult. Before I faced this part of my abuse, I found myself battling guilt just to have sex with my husband! In the past I didn’t realize the source of my uncomfortable feelings and it caused a lot of tension on my marriage. My husband thought I was frustrated with him, when I was really battling issues from my past abuse. It’s helped so much to be open about this and face this issue head on. Now that I don’t have such much guilt surrounding my childhood sexual abuse, it’s freed me up to enjoy my sex life more now as an adult.
Carol, there have been a lot of things about my past that I didn’t have direct memories of, but I did have enough clues to make sense of them anyway. What you mentioned you said to those boys is a huge clue that you did have someone do that to you already. Children that young don’t just think to offer oral sex on their own. It just doesn’t happen without prior abuse. And your parents non-reaction is another clue. Even if they didn’t abuse you, their overly relaxed attitudes left you vulnerable to sexual advances from other predators. I certainly think you have enough info to start healing from this. You know that something happened to put those thoughts in your head and you know it caused you to try to act out as a child. How do you feel about that? One thing that’s been important for me is to work through the shame I carried for how I reacted to my abuse. Is that something you think you could work on without the full memories? The shame and emotions are still there, whether the details of the memory are present of not.
Deb, that’s a huge step! How do you feel to admit that? I know these memories can be painful to work though, but for me it’s also been very freeing.
Jennifer,
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is what really stood out to me:
” I’ve come to see how my abuser manipulated my body as a way to manipulate my mind and keep me submissive to his abuse.” Exactly! My dad didn’t stimulate me for MY benefit– it was for HIS benefit!!! It made me feel like a participant rather than a victim, which helped him control me more effectively. That one little fact made me see myself as a dirty little whore my whole life until I finally saw the truth.
Hugs,
Christina
I’m sorry Deb, that’s pretty much how it made me feel to think about at first too. But the pain wore off, and then I was able to look at how this part of my abuse has effected my life and my self image. Hopefully you can take some time to yourself today while you work through these feelings. ((Hugs))
jen, when i think about it , it almost liek it happened to another person, i feel nothing but nosiness as to why i would do this or that. i still so shut off from the emotions of my childhood, im not sure whether it that my mind is holding me back until the last grandfather dies, as my own father threatened to stab his own father infront of me if he ever found out he had touched me in the way he had touche dother girls. so my father knew what my grandfathers were capable off so i buried it and now i think it has the inbuilt extra stress of my dad acting out his threat. not that he would now in the present hells bells the old man is 94 i think, but none of us have any contact with unless he contacts my own father. gets complicated as my dad called his dad ‘the old man’ and as i grew up i adopted that name for my own father and not my grandfather. another thing that muddys the waters. ooo it all so screwed up that i just dont attach emotion to it cos im never sure which ones i should be using. mmmm did the head healing not the heart healing first and now im struggling to connect the two
Thank you so much again Jen! That was very moving for me, and made me also feel less alone. I had a very hard time admitting to anyone, even myself, that I was stimulated and my body responded to the abuse. Admitting that first was a huge step, but then admitting to myself that it is normal for that to have happened because my body was only responding to the actions being done to me. It wasn’t because I liked it, enjoyed it, or wanted it; it was only a sensory response. It was so freeing to be able to say that, but most of all to believe it. Doing that removed even more chains that connected me to my abuser metaphysically, and then allowed me to be able to enjoy the sexual relationship my husband and I share along with every other part of it.
Hi Jennifer
I can relate to this story so much. I was molested in my sleep when I was a teen and my body responded. It terrified me and I thought that my body had betrayed me and that it’s response was “proof”” that somehow I had consented and even contributed to the assualt. That it “proved” my guilt and shame. I was mixed up and messed up about that for many many years. I lived in fear of “somehow attracting it again” because of my belief that my body should not have responded. This is such an important message! .
Great article.
Hugs, Darlene
Now, as I am going through this healing process I am not able to be sexually active at all. In fact, right now, if I never had sex again I would be quite OK about it. My journey was sparked by a huge physical reaction to lovemaking with my husband – and from there it has been a helluva trip.
This was hugely helpful to me. I have been trying to work out why I react in particular ways at times – and had begun to suspect this might be something that I experienced in my past. I have very few cognitive memories of my abuse – but actually the gaps are now speaking volumes. I have certainly not brought it up in therapy, nor spoken it out loud to myself, and feel sick and horror at the very idea – but I think my body is telling me so much. As I have gone through the last months I have recognised that pain and pleasure are somewhat confused for me – and actually I have been aware of that for quite a long time – things that used to be pleasurable have become painful and to be avoided at all costs. At the same time I have an internal dialogue “what are you doing? This is OK, its nice” but the physical reaction is stronger and I can’t resiste/overide it. Actually, I don’t think I should try to; going with it is, I believe, what needs to happen right now, in order that I can explore the past and heal it.
It frightens me some – I know I was punished by my mother for behaving in a sexual way as a young child . Writing this is strange, I don’t know what I feel – and I don’t know what I shall do now….in therapy or with my husband. I don’t think I am quite ready to verbalise it yet, and it scares to me to think I will blurt it out. For now, all I can do is breathe – and accept that I will discose this too, when I feel safe and ready.
Thank you so much for helping me with this……
Wow Jen- thanx for digging deep and sharing that….
Remember how Lynda Robinson-Stepnowski talks about how PTSD is the NORMAL response to trauma as bleeding is the NORMAL response to being cut? I would think that your innocent response was the NORMAL response to stimulation. I pray that you are free from any guilt you felt from that.
blessings and hugs, m
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is the part of my sexual abuse that I have had the most difficult time accepting and overcoming, especially when I get flashbacks from my abuse during a sexual encounter that I am having as an adult. Now, 3 weeks after a divorce, which I am certain has a certain amount to do with the symptoms of abuse that I am trying to overcome, my heart is breaking. When I was younger, I promised myself that I would never allow what happened to me to get in the way of me living a fruitful life. Looking back, I realize that I was not strong enough then nor am I now to be making such promises to myself. Where things currently stand, I am now absolutely afraid of any sexual encounters, for fear that I am not a whole enough person to yet have a healthy intimate relationship.
Suzee, I’m glad reading this made you feel less alone. That’s great that you were able to realize all that.Thanks for commenting!
Darlene, isn’t it crazy how the cause and effects get mixed up here? The abuse caused us to be stimulated. Without the abuse there would have been no stimulation, but somehow we blame ourselves for causing the abuse because of how we reacted to it. It’s so backwards! But that just goes to show how much abusers can manipulate an innocent child’s thinking. Making us blame ourselves for something we had no control over.
Isn’t it amazing the horrible, sinful things parents can do to their children? I suffered abuse for two years, and lived as a survivor/victim another 37 years before I told anyone. My father did things that shouldn’t happen to any human, let alone your own son or daughter! I wish I would’ve had the courage earlier to speak up, but it is what it is. Be strong in what you are doing for yourself and thanks for sharing.
Libby, that’s great that you’re so aware of what you’re body is telling you. I can very much relate to your comment. When I was dealing with all this part of my abuse, sex was the last thing on my mind. It really freaked me out when I was with my husband and I had memories come up of my abuse. It’s normal for sex to bring up flashbacks, but because there was stimulation during my abuse, I almost felt like I was fantasizing about my abuse when I had the flashback – which felt horribly wrong. But I couldn’t get those thoughts to stop coming up. I would end up getting so uncomfortable that I’d push my husband off me in the middle of sex. Needless to say this created a lot of issues because he thought I was upset with him. Thankfully I did a lot of reading and reached out to other survivors, and I found out that I’m far from alone in this. I learned that there was nothing wrong with me for having flashbacks. It didn’t mean that I enjoyed the abuse or was fantasizing about it. When I worked through the guilt I had about my abuse and how my body reacted, the flashbacks stopped and I was able to enjoy a healthy sex life again.
Maribeth, exactly! Responding to sexual touch is as natural as bleeding when you are cut. The abuse was the unnatural thing.
Amanda, I don’t think it’s weak of you to not be fully healed from your abuse. In fact I think it shows great strength and maturity that you are working so hard on yourself and recognize that you might be better to wait till later in your healing to start another relationship. I know certain aspects of my healing would have probably been easier without the pressure of a relationship. I hope when you do meet someone again you can apply everything you’ve been learning and start fresh with someone who respects you. Thanks for commenting!
Mike, thanks for commenting! I’m so sorry that you’re father did that to you. Any abuse is horrible, but it is particularly hard for me to wrap my head around anyone doing those things to their own child. You deserved love and nurturing, not pain and abuse. Good for you for speaking out, it’s never too late to heal.
It makes me want to run away and hide, it’s a really icky feeling, it’s always felt like my body betrayed me, how could my body enjoy something that I was hating so much? So much shame and confusion.
Fi, that’s a very understandable way to feel. Do you think that’s an emotion you felt during your abuse too? Like you just wanted to run away and hide, but that wasn’t an option. Its good to feel and process all those feelings that we weren’t able to deal with back then. It helps me to remember that my body’s didn’t betray me, my abuser betrayed by body, and it responded exactly how it was designed to respond to touch. It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t yours either.
Hi Jennifer, yes, so many times I wished I could run away and hide and never ever be found by them. But there was nowhere for me to run and hide except inside me so I guess I internalised everything including the really icky feelings about how my body responded as further evidence of how bad I was. It’s good to realise that my body responded the way it was made to and that the betrayer was never my body but my abusers.
Hi Jennifer,
What a heavy load for you have had to carry…..and what great courage you have to come forward with the truth. In trying to make a point with a male friend of mine regarding things that happen to us that we can’t help, a few years ago I asked him to lay down, close his eyes and imagine the best oral sex he ever had. I then described it in perfect detail. I could tell he was enjoying the picture. Then, I said, “how would you feel if you opened your eyes and discovered it was another male. My friend became very angry at me. It might have felt as if I were playing a head game with him but I was trying to show him that our bodies respond to certain stimuli whether we like it or not. If you are a young child or even a teenager and someone does something to your body that is automatically set up to respond to that stimuli you can’t help that. It is a natural response. The shame and guilt of the action lies not with the recipient but rather with the perpetrator who not only damaged our bodies but damaged parts of our mind and our soul. May the remainder of your life be serene and joyful. May all the negative things done to our bodies be thrown away from our minds and all that enters in is light and truth.
I have yet to figure out a way to undo the hatred of my body and the sexual parts… Long road but I hope to one day too be able to feel comfortbale in my body and what I feel and take pleasure in… *hugs*
Thank you so much for this courageous post. The same shame kept me from getting the healing I needed for many years. One thing that I have learned is that most abusers work hard to make the abuse physically pleasurable for child victims. It is one of their ways of rationalizing…”she/he seemed to like it.”…..”I wasn’t hurting him/her.” As Oprah is fond of saying, so what if I liked it, physically? So what, if I even returned for more? If an abuser is any good at abusing, it’s going to be physically pleasing. That reality in no way changes what it is. It is a violation. It is rape. I love your line “As a child, I was supposed to be allowed to go through a natural process of maturating and discovering sexuality on my own. Unfortunately, my abuser interfered with that process.” Thank you.
This is wonderful Jennifer. I wish I could believe I would be able to heal completely from my abuse. I know, logically, that what my body did, how it responded, was not my fault and yet I still cannot allow myself to relax, breath & enjoy sex. I doubt I ever will. It isn’t guilt or shame holding me back but something else, something deep inside. I’ve been married for many, many years, I’m well into my 50’s and I’ve reached a point of giving up. We’ve tried every avenue including couples sex therapy (she told me, after a year, that she couldn’t help us because I was “getting in my own way – basically I was being non-compliant to her suggestions), couples therapy and I’ve been in therapy for several years. I’ve read books, watched videos and TV but nothing inside me moves or shifts or says, “this is my body & I’m going to enjoy this.” Makes me sad but what else can I do?
Marjorie, what a powerful image! I have to admit, I was a little concerned to see where you were going with your comment, but that really is a great analogy. Thanks for sharing your insights.
Priscilla, for me, talking about these difficult parts of my abuse and looking at how they made me feel has helped tremendously. Each time I work through a new memory I feel like a little bit more of the shame has been lifted off my shoulders.
Becky, just like I was saying to Priscilla, it’s helped me to face these difficult aspects of my abuse. None of us ladies who work on OSA consider ourselves fully healed. I don’t even know that there is a fully healed. But I can work through how much abuse has effected me, one issue and one memory at a time. I never know how each part of my healing will effect me until I get to it. Sometimes one issue will be tied to another, will be tied to another, and suddenly everything will come together and I will reap all the benefits of my work. I’m pretty sure if you keep working on the parts of your healing that you are able to, eventually you will get down to the memory or false believe that’s still effecting you. It’s all a matter of finding the right healing tool at the right time and doing the work to use it.
Thank you for sharing Jen. I could relate to the entire post but what made me want comment is the last part. Feeling ashamed. Today that’s what I feel. Ashamed and lonely…. I too feel like there are things that separate me from others. I can’t wait for the courage to share more detail and see that I’m not alone in my experiences.
Genesis I think it’s great to you are opening up as you’re ready. It’s not something we should ever have to do at anyone else’s pace. But what you do here is a great start. Just being able to relate to others post is a great way to tap into your pain, and sharing with us that you can relate is a baby step to opening up more. That’s for commenting.
Thank you Jennifer. I have never been able to admit or talk to anyone about some of the things my father did that felt kinda good. He told me that it proved that I wanted it and that I made him do it. I hated it and I don’t know why I responded like that to some stimulation. I hate that it didn’t just hurt all the time it seems like it would be easier if it had. Thank you for admitting this, if I can read this and not think that you were a bad kid (which I definitely not, I am the only victim I think is bad), maybe I can see that I wasn’t either.
Hi Jennifer, thank you, for this article. guilt about the abuse we suffered is a very important topic.
i was molested from a young age by various men, but, when i was 16, i went to live with my dad, and he started molesting me, too. And, it wasn’t just my body that responded to “dear old dad,” it was my heart, as well! I fell in love with him!
I guess i still feel a little guilty about that, but i was a lonely teenager, far from home, who had been sexually abused for years, so i knew the drill: as soon as he kissed me passionately, i knew the rest of what was coming, although he waited a couple of weeks to actually have sex with me.
He was also very charming and good looking, and i would’ve done anything [literally!] to get him to love me. and, with my history of abuse, sex=love was how it seemed to me. it took me years! to figure out the difference. [and a very loving and patient husband]
my father also continued o have sex with me for years after my 18th birthday. “how could i possibly put up with that?!!” you ask? as i said, having abnormal sex was quite normal for me; and i had no idea how to escape. The legal system had already failed me [twice], by the time i turned 18, and i had no where to turn.
For years in my twenties I purposely put myself in dangerous situations trying to recreate things from my childhood. It was like I needed to be taken advantage of to feel normal. I never felt normal after. I’d always scald myself or some other SI behavior. Something’s there was no way in hell I’d miss or enjoy. Other things I just. It was normal. It became my normality. ……
Jack I’m sorry you had to go through this confusion too. Though it’s wonderful that you are finally able to open up about this part of your abuse here. It was a hard thing for me to admit, but I was shocked to find out I wasn’t the only one. In fact I’d say the majority of victims I’ve talked to struggle with this issue. It’s one of the many horrible ways abusers control and manipulate their victims and it doesn’t make us bad in any way. Thanks for sharing part of your story with us.
Janet, I can totally relate to that. Abnormal things seemed normal to me. Abuse seemed normal to me because it was all I had ever known. I didn’t fight off my abusers because I went into a dissocsiative state and went along with whatever I was told. And I also developed feelings for one of my abusers. I had no idea what they were doing to me when they started, then when I got older and learned about sex, everyone said “Sex is what you do when you love each other.” So I thought that meant my abuser loved me and I was supposed to love him. It was all very confusing!
Thank you Jennifer. For a long time as a teenager I was afraid I was gay, because I reacted sexually to some of the things that were done to me. Not that I think there is anything wrong with being gay, but I was confused because I thought that I was attracted to women, I never fantasized about being with men, but I did react to some of the abuse by males. So it was very confusing and scary for me. Also, like the two of you, I never learned that it was okay to not have sex if I didn’t want to, and that I didn’t have to do anything that I didn’t want to. I ended up in a lot of sexual situations that I did not want because of it. Actually, I didn’t even realize I had the right to say no until I had been married several years, and it took the support of my wife to realize that.
Jack are you still married? That’s wonderful that she was (or is) so supportive of you. That can really make a big diffence when working through sexual issues. It’s really helped my healing since I started opening up more to my husband and sharing my stuggles with him. He is better able to support me, and I don’t have to continue living in secrecy.
Yes, I am still married. Five years next May! She has been very good about it. What’s amazing to me is that she didn’t know I was sexually abused for quite a while, and she still managed to be caring and supportive about my sexual issues. When I told her she said that she had suspected as much, and that she had just been waiting for me to feel okay about telling her. I am glad that you have a supportive spouse too, and that you have been able to confide in him.
I have only recently spoken-up about my abuse in childhood. I began then to understand why i might have got involved in an abusive marriage, which ended eight years ago.
As i am allowing myself to accecpt the awfull abuse (flash backs and memories, nighmares, panic attacks), its affecting my health. Iv since disclosed my experience to medical professional to access help but its seems as though that they disbelieve my medical symtoms are related to past experience. Infact it as though I am left feeling that they think im making it all up.Im on anti depressants and recently been prescibed anxiety meds too.
I feel totally humilated, after disclosing my deepest experience that I have never talked about in order to get the right help it seems as though I am being rebuffed. This catapolts me right back to being a child and scared to tell anyone for fear of being disbelived. Above an example in finally having the courage to accept and tell has re-enforced all that I was told as a child.
I am not choosing this to happen to me, reliving and getting intouch with the past whilst its having an affect on my health. I wish I could lock up that awful box of memories and block it all out again. Because in doing that at least I may be able to resume functioning. I am too scared to go out, I feel unsafe almost everywhere.
Where do i go from hear, in the journey of healing?
Sharon, I can relate so much to those feelings. I hope you know you aren’t crazy or making it up, whether or not those people understand. You know better than anyone the truth of what you’ve lived through and how it’s effected you. I’m so sorry this stage of healing is so difficult for you. It does get easier, but it takes hard work and a willingness to face these painful feelings. Thanks for commenting!
Thank you for your thoughts. And although my experiences have had an effected on my health, maybe its not until I have sait at the bottom of the pit that I will somehow gain the motivation and strength to climb to find the light. The hardest part was to accept it happenend and therefore a part of my history and me. In accepting what happened to me it somehow retrieves the missing pices of my puzzle (blocked memories that i chose to forget). Although past experience is painfull andwhile its having a toll on my health, I beleive its the only way forward in my healing.
And for those whom disbeleive, i envey them for never having experiecing such truma, as expericing the unlawfull act of another is not a choice we independantly. It is something that I was subjected too as an iyoung ndividual, who was powerless to do anything to stop it.
If only those professional that I have found the courage to finally reach out too, could understand because in understanding it give hope for support to access the correct treatment inorder to improve my mental health.
As much as I find dealing with the memories difficult whilst also struggling with my mental health, I am not going to give up hope to feel better.
Thanks again, cooments are comforting
Why our GOD couldn’t able to design our body ,like not not be abused ?
Or if it is like we couldn’t realize,HOW STRONG he built our MIND.
Phisically the same thing is happened when got abused in childhood ,and while an intercourse with partner.
The difference is while having first stimuli we dont know what is going to happen,other than an excited cos not knowing.
That time no option for having NO!, not cos you need it or Dont, it cos your mind is blank for that matter.
It is obvious the body responded to stimuli,cos it is designed alike.
But today the difference is with this eg:
Think we have a bath alone, Our body wont be that sensitive to touch. And we had a bath with our partner the sensitivity differs.
It is cos today our mind is not blank for that matter.
The conclusion is that , for the perpetrator, it is a mentally reserved matter, so he manipulated our mind by manipulating our body, And that time we were mentally blank.
ie, while we got abused first,our brain parts (para ventricular nucleus) collected Data. about stimuli.
And the body responded with out the support of mind.
The reason for having more abuse, is that we dont know what is good or bad.
OUR BODY IS PHYSICALLY SENSITIVE SYSTEM, OUR MIND ONLY KNOWS WHAT WE NEED OR NOT.
WE HAVE ONLY A SINGLE EDITION OF LIFE. (WE ARE NOT GOING TO COME ANYMORE TO SEE THE WORLD AND TO SEE OUR BELONGINGS )
DARKNESS IN PAST KILLS THE BRIGHTNESS OF FUTURE.
JUST THINK WE ARE STARTING TODAY……TODAY IS THE BEST DAY, LIVE THE DAY ,ENJOY THE DAY
AND BE HAPPY….M WITH ALL
THANK YOU ALL.
Yes, that happened to me, too. Molestation has not only made me feel guilty about sexual feelings, I feel guilty about feeling cared about by a man, too. Any positive feeling I feel from a man is blocked by my brain. Accepting caring from a man makes feel vulnerable, angry and ashamed. “I will not let you affect me in any way” is my brain’s response to men.
Sandra,
Today we know ,what happened in the past ,and by that we also are capable of thinking what is right and wrong. Or i think i cud say those people who faced such molestation or being abused (as happened to me)
are more capable studying these incidents more closely, And we know the psychology behind those who did and those who faced.So it means THE PERSON YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, WHO REALIZED YOUR ISSUES AND HOW YOU OVERCOME IT,AND TODAY WHAT IS YOUR ABILITIES ,AND TOTALLY WHO VALUES YOUR REST OF LIFE IS YOU AND YOU ONLY…..NO OTHERS NEED TO HELP , OR CUD ABLE TO..
THE SERIOUS THING TO BE TAKEN CARE OF IS- IF WE HAVE ANY UNSUITABILITY TO THE NORMAL BEINGS IN THE SOCIETY ,WITH MALE OR FEMALE OR WE TROUBLES TO FACE THE SOCIETY,-
WE NEED TO CHANGE SOME IN-FORMATIONS WRITTEN INSIDE US TO MAKE PERFECT TO MANAGE OTHERS ,SO BY MAKING OUR FAMILY TO GOOD SOCIAL LEVEL. (OR INFLUENCING THEM WITH A POTENTIAL DRIVE)
EXTREMELY WE ARE THE POWERFUL ONE’S ..WHO CAN MOTIVATE OURSELVES…
LIFE COMES ONLY ONCE,
LIFE IS PRECIOUS..
LIFE IS PEACEFUL,ONLY WHEN WE FOUND IT WITHIN US…
EVERY DAY WHAT I SAID TO ME IS, I AM NOT MY ENEMY
SO THAT
I WONT DISTURB MY MIND WITH WRONG THOUGHTS .
I WONT DISTURB MY BODY WITH WRONG OR UNWANTED FOOD.
I WONT LEAVE WRONG MESSAGES TO PROCESS IN ANY SENSE.
I AM FREE TO BE MY SELF.
I DONT NEED ANY SUPPORT FROM OTHERS
COZ AM WORKING FOR MY BREAD AND FOR THE FUTURE..
FINALLY I AM CAPABLE OF GIVING A HELPING HAND TO OTHERS..
THIS WAY WE CAN ACHIEVE SELF RESPECT ……
THANK YOU ALL..
Sharon all my most difficult healing work has been done because staying stuck in my old beliefs and patterns was more paimful than my fears of moving forward. Not exactly my rock bottom. More like being being between a rock and a hard place. I hope you do keep moving forward in your healing too, as hard as that can be sometimes.
Lijesha I don’t think abuse was part of gods plan for the human body or for the world, but that’s another story. I believe childhood sexual abuse is someone using a child’s body in an unnatural way. I don’t blame god. I blame the abusers who fail to respect the innocence of beautiful children.
Sandra do you think you have a hard time trusting men’s kindness? Or do you think your shameful feelings from the abuse are triggered when men are nice to you? For me it was hard to trust good treatment from anyone because I felt like was just a trick. They were only nice because they needed something or were working up to some way to hurt me. Good treatment was scary because I didn’t know the motivation behind it. The only time my abusers were nice was when they wanted to abuse me. They did things that felt good and then made me do things I hated. So the lesson I learned from that was not to trust good feelings. Talk about a confused way to grow up!
Jennifer,
i didn’t mean that “abuse was part of gods plan for the human body or for the world”.
What i meant that what all things happened to each ,is so worst in our life.
Coz Each person struggles to recover out of that. So we need to empower them, that”s why i told ” god made every human with a powerful mind. What all happen except our death ,we can survive….
In my sense, those who abuse a child ,is an atrocious criminal, and to be treated that worst ..or to be terminated from our society..
Abuse makes someone ,be something permanently lost.
As i know the value of human life..as i struggled a lot , or many more generations i lived to learn…
To everyone i am too- close with love, and to everyone am far at a distance of personnel freedom.
To me everyone has their own life wishes or the way they like to live..
ALL BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS THE SAME RIGHT THAT I HAVE…
I REALIZED THAT MALE AND FEMALE DIFFERENCE IS NOT THE SPECIALTY OF OUR COMMUNITY.
IN THIS WORLD EACH AND EVERY LIVING BEING ARE WITH THE SAME DIFFERENCE.
WE ARE SPECIAL WE ARE HUMANS……AND ONLY HUMANS…..
Jennifer you literally took the words out of my mouth.. I always felt like i was hiding something too when i told them about the abuse but never said “oh you know what i had sensations in my body because of he/she did!” and i used to want to tell this to my ex all the time (and everyone for that matter) but never did because i thought those kind of people would look at me and say but you are sick you wanted it.. you were turned on.. NO we didn’t our bodies simply responded to touch, their sick touch! even typing this i want to puke!
Im so happy for you that you’ve overcome all the rotten feelings and shame.. so proud.. you’re an inspiration Jennifer. Keep up the good work.. hopefully someday i can feel like you and keep that ‘little secret’ or feel ok and not awkward as if i did something wile telling people my story!
I’m so glad you wrote this post.. Thanks
Caca
x
Caca thank you so much for your kind comment! I’m glad this post was helpful to you. It’s been extremely freeing for me to face this part of my abuse. I don’t have to feel icky about how my body responded anymore and that’s a huge thing. I know I still have a long way to go in my healing but it feels good to know I’ve overcome this hurdle.
It’s true that not everyone understands this aspect of abuse, but most of the people I’ve told have been extremely understanding, and sadly so many people have experienced the same and are just waiting for a chance to talk about it. I hope opening up this conversation let’s other survivors open up too.
I always thought *I* was weird b/c I never DID respond to it. Not to mention that the person TOLD me I’m weird for not having any response, but I felt nothing and couldn’t conjure up feelings just b/c it upset him. By the time this person came along, I was already dead to everything around me. You could have thrown me around like a rag doll and I would have acted the same way, as if I barely noticed it.
When I was thrown down the stairs, I felt every step I hit but the knowledge that it was painful barely registered.
The doctor thought it was strange that when he hit my knee with the reflex hammer, to check my reflexes, I didn’t respond to it at all, and he said that was unusual and that everyone else DID respond to it. But I was so afraid that if I responded to it that he’d do something terrible to me, so my mind refused to make me respond to it.
I never thought people who DID respond to abusive things would feel ashamed. I thought they’d think they were normal, b/c that’s what the doctor called ‘having a reaction’ to things.
He called it normal and my behavior abnormal, which I took to mean *I* was abnormal. But that’s not what he meant.
Of course, the only reason I thought I was abnormal was that my Aunt Rosemary, the one devout religious people are always insisting I pray for, told me at least a hundred times that I was a burden and a pain on the entire family b/c I was born legally blind. Three operations when I went into foster care solved the problem.
They were unwilling to do the operations, so I think they had no gd right to complain.
But she told me that about everything, and so did everyone else in the family. They even told me it was my fault I got molested by the neighbor, who used to stand in the window naked when the kids were walking home from school. They said I went into the house after I knew what he was like and that I was dumb for doing it and brought on the molestation myself.
I guess him being 36 years old and me 6, I really AM the one who’s responsible (rolls eyes.)
I don’t believe it in my head, but I still FEEL like I am. I don’t know how to abolish the feeling without taking drugs.
I’m not going to do that, but it’s the only way I could effectively cut ALL of my feelings off. For as long as I was high; but I always came down and it was still there.
That’s why I’m not going to do it.
Vicki B, it is so wonderful that you choose not to take drugs to numb yourself! But, insted of trying to get rid of your feelings, you need to work through them, to find peace. It hurts like hell, and it is HARD WORK! but very important.
try to set up a good support system – this forum is a good place to start. Also, do you have any friends or family (Pastor, counselor, anybody?) that you trust not to blame you, but to help you work through it?
Whether you do, or not, I always find journaling helpful – it is safe, inexpensive, private, and fairly easy. When I have no words to express what i feel, i draw stick figures. Or even sometimes just scribble!
It is very important to not buy into the idea that the molestation being your fault. IT IS NEVER the child’s fault!!
If a minor is laying spread-eagle and NAKED on the bed, begging for it, the ADULT is supposed to know better!!!
Vicki B,
Everybody will support Janet,b/c Janet said the TRUTH
“It is very important to not buy into the idea that the molestation being your fault. IT IS NEVER the child’s fault!!
If a minor is laying spread-eagle and NAKED on the bed, begging for it, the ADULT is supposed to know better!!!”
SURE THE ADULT ONLY REASONABLE .
wipe all the cuts in ur past.. b/c I BELIEVE -WE ARE GOING TO LIVE OUR FUTURE..
AND NO DOUBT ,YOU CAN MAKE EVERYTHING PERFECT…
B/C NOTHING IS THERE BEYOND THE POWER INSIDE US..
TIME WILL GUIDE US TO OUR FUTURE,, WE NEED ,JUST TO MAKE THE WAY CLEAR..
THANKING JANET….
Vicki I think just about any reaction to abuse is normal. It’s the abuse that’s the abnormal thing and we had to find any way we could to adapt to it and live through it. Some victims like me responded to the abuse and carried guilt. Others learned to block out feelings which can lead to a whole other set of problems. Like you mentioned still being disconnected and not responding to the test at the doctor. It doesn’t make you abnormal, but I’m sure it brings about extra challenges for you, just like my guilt and self blame were a challenge for me.
Becky,
Your comment really stood out to me. Like you I was very happy to hear I am not alone in the abuse, or the fact that I responded physically- not to mention the ongoing stuggle. I am just so sorry to hear you feel like you have given up.
As a child and adolescent, I was always so outgoing and open, positive and hopeful (I guess the repression at work). As an adult, I am often focusing on the negatives. Anxious, doubtful, afraid- trying to protect myself. But one thing I have never lost is knowing when to be strong and express my genuine care and concern for others- this is when my hope reignites and burns strong. There is hope, Becky. Absolutely. Cannot say how or when or that it will be easy. But its definitely there. I just wanted you to know I am thinking about you and sending my deepest, sincerest best wishes your way…not sure if a smiley is appropriate, but I always use one when my inner resilience and warmth resurfaces 🙂
KK
i hear wot u r saying,i feel excatly the same
Jennifer,
Thank you for having the courage to face this and to share it with us. I wish I had seen this earlier but it has helped me regardless. Like JackB I too wondered that since I experienced sensation and physical pleasure from the act of being abused it might mean I was gay which was considered a bad thing when I was growing up. I lived in constant confusion because I wasn’t attracted to other men. And like so many of the other commenters I felt shame and guilt for what I was feeling. I always new there was something wrong with the abuse as it was tied tightly to love. I felt that my abuser was the only person who loved me and more confusion came as I grew older that no one else was helping me. No other adults in my life seemed to care enough so save me from being abused. My first memories were when I was about 6 and when my uncle first started touching me my mind went wild. What is he doing? Is this OK? Why does it feel good? I’ve never felt this way before! He tells me he loves me. Is this what love is? – What does a 6 year old boy know? Starting at 6 and continuing through 18 I lived in confusion and fear that I would be found out. The boys in the locker room and the girls in my classes must be able to see it on my face! It was my fault that this was happening because my body was responding even when my mind was constantly questioning what was going on! I learned a very distorted sense of love and sex at a very early age and it has effected me now well into my 50s. I am dealing with it also with the support of my wife and a wonderful therapist. I am woeking to get my life back!
im now 23 years old and i was abused for years as a child. i also spend a couple of years in therapy after the incident, but it wasnt until after reading this article that i realize that my big dark secret about the incident is okay. i always felt that because i enjoyed what was happening to me, that i should not be considered a “victim” i always felt like there was something sick in my head that i had liked it and even wanted it. i never admitted it to my psychologist because it was harder to admit that u enjoy it than admitting to the abuse itself. its such a relief to understand that how i feel is normal and okay and i dont have to feel guilty all the time.
Im sitting here reading all these powerful posts, struggling to breathe. At age 51, I just remembered being sexually assaulted at age 12 by another female. I’m stunned at how my inability to have intimacy due to the claustrophobic feelings can be traced to this event. My therapist wants me to process this memory now but I’m terrified because of the arousal issue. I’ve removed sexuality from my life years ago after the lack of it ended my marriage. How can I possibly process this pounding pressure on my psyche.
I have read what all of u are saying, Maybe u can help me, I have blocked out almost everything but my insides say something different, I feel like sex is dirty, I don’t like to talk about sex and I hate doing it more. I can remember being in a locked attic crying, and another time I remember I was sleeping and I woke up because someone was touching my body and it was my stepfather I was around 13 teen I started screaming he put his hands over my mouth and told me that I better never tell anyone or he will kill me, no body in my family likes to talk about what he did, I heard that he did it to two of my aunts and my sister from my real father.my mother was with this man when I was 4 until I was 14 teen.my real father told me my mother promise him she would make sure nothing happen to me. My father told me to ask my step grandfather about a time that my mother made my stepfather leave, all my grandfather said is yes he remembers, so called my father back and I told him I wanted to know everything that happen, all he would say to me is you are not ready for the truth yes, I am 45 years old when will the time be right or will it ever be, I’m I always going to have this blank space in my mind and will I remember one day. Thank Susan
I also forgot to say, I feel very uncomfortable around older mans and I am so scared around them that I feel like I can’t breathe it is very bad.I am so scared to let myself go around the guy I have been with for 21 years and I love him more then anything but I feel gross when he touches me that he doesn’t anymore and now i feel so alone.
Jennifer, you highlight one of the most difficult aspects of a child sexual abuse survivor, I can speak only for men. Abuse by men was disgusting but felt good at times. Rape by a woman didn’t feel good, to a 12 year old, it felt great. It also destroyed any differentiation between sex, intimacy, love and affection. It also meant sex was all about me. It also showed me that others were objects to be used whether they agreed or not. God has done a miracle in my life and today, I have true friends, honest boundaries and and a passion to protect children, while encouraging and supporting the healing of adult survivors. I am not, and never was, the evil the many predators layered on me. I am a victor who loves life and feels an amazing sense of joy everyday.
Tom Scales
I have been uncovering the abuse in my childhood since 2008. My Father molested me continually from infancy. In 2010 I began remembering just how aroused and good the abuse felt that I was seeking to repeat those feelings again and again. I can remember from 4 on doing those things to other children. It was so shamefull to dredge up that shit. But eventually it allowed me to enjoy intamacy more and be more fully present in general. Especially having my own children has widened my eyes to the innocence of childhood and help to come to terms with the shame. Keep up the good work fellow survivors!
I didn’t remember the abuse until I was 30 and started to have flashbacks. I was in therapy already and felt very comfortable with my T. It was awful but I felt vindicated because the incest explained my behaviors and depression from age 10. Then I had a flashback of an orgasm when I was about 7. I had it over and over one afternoon and can’t put into words how disgusted and ashamed I felt. After that…no more flashbacks. Not happening at all. I told my T about it but no one else. That was 26 yrs ago and I am starting to deal with my self-hatred and shame because my body reacted to sexual stimulation and, imo, betrayed me. I think my father made sure that sex was pleasurable so he could hold that over me. I still feel disgust and shame but I am working on having some compassion for the child I was. toddlers do not ask for sex. Children do not solicit sex from their parent or other men. People did things to me but I did not ask for it. I am starting to believe it. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It it something no one ever talks about.
Kris,
I can understand how hard it is to face those things that have tormented us for so long. Being aroused during abuse was so traumatic for me. I felt as tho I had no control over my own body. it betrayed me and in order to not feel betrayed, I would do everything to not get aroused as an adult.
It took me a long time to process and believe that it wasn’t my fault. My bodies reactions is a normal reaction to stimulation. It wasn’t my bodies fault. I learned to put the blame on my abuser. I was a child and not responsible for the actions of others and neither was my body.
Understanding that many other survivors have gone thru the same thing, has also helped me to understand that arousal had nothing to do with wanting to be abused, but only had to do with the way I was created.
I hope that the more you continue on your healing journey, the more you are set free from this torment that continually wants to blame you. Patty
Susan,
I’m so sorry that your family won’t validate the importance to you, to know the truth. I can understand how “closed off” you must feel. keeping the family secrets seems to be a habit that filters down through generation to generation and I’m glad that you are wanting to stop that lie.
I understand how sex can be so hard for you and is very common in many Survivors. I actually used sex as a way to get attention and used it as a way to gain power over those I was having sex with. It was hard for me to connect sex with pleasure.
The more I healed tho, the more I was able to separate the two. That my abuse was not about sex, but it was about control. So everytime I did have sex, I felt like I lost control. Once I was able to understand that I was not to blame for my abuse, then I was able to not blame my body for betraying me as a child.
Tom,
Thank you for being so honest. As a survivor there were so many facets to how I viewed sex. The pleasure, the hatred, the need, the control. I discovered all the masks I used through out the years the more I healed.
I’m so happy that you are choosing the truth and living a wonderful, joyful life. Patty
Aua,
Thank you for sharing how you had to uncover the truth in order to start living a full and productive life now. I’m so happy for you and so glad that you are able to share your victories. Patty
Stanley,
I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. Untangling love and sex has been one of the hardest parts of the healing process. I’ve found so many ways that my abuse defined sex incorrectly, which led to me abusing myself in other relationships. I thought sex would produce allies since in my childhood, being compliant equaled being safer. So whenever I felt threatened, I offered sex.
It’s great that more and more survivors are taking about these things. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Christina
Ali,
I agree that admitting to the abuse feeling good is harder than talking about the abuse. I thought I was really sick for liking it too. I’d even have to imagine being abused to respond at all to sex later in life. I thought that meant that I was a participant rather than a victim before I realized how common that was.
Christina
Nowonderland,
I think the same thing about my abuser–that my dad made it feel good as a way to control me and put the blame on me. I also felt the same self-loathing for a long time, which made me even more angry about what my dad to to me. He not only violated me, he made me turn against myself. It’s taken a long time to deal with that, but I have compassion for myself now and don’t blame myself at all. It was ALL him.
Christina
Hi, I just read your article and its great. I am a healer who specialises in sexual abuse in both men and women. The concern that you raise – about feeling ashamed that your body experienced pleasure – is an issue that arises time and again in my healing practice, from both men and women. What I try and explain to clients is this – a nerve ending is a nerve ending, it does what it is meant to do – which is respond to stimulus. It has no cut- off switch, no intelligence, as to whether the stimulus it is receiving originates from an appropriate source or not, it is just doing what it is designed to do. It is all part of having a normal and healthy body. It is a bit like a lightswitch, if you press it, the light comes on, if you press it again, the light goes off. The lightswitch does not decide who it is going to operate for, it just performs the function that it is designed to do. Abuse affects individuals on every level of their being, every level of their consciousness. But it CAN be healed on all of these levels, and led to great understanding and spiritual growth. It can be healed and a person can move on and live a rich, loving and fulfilled life. Well done for having the bravery to write such a great article. I am sure it will help many people.
Hi Jen I’m glad I found this blog I was sexually abused by my stepdad when I was a child I’ve always blamed myself after reading your article I now realize none of it was my fault the same abuse happened to me what you went through my husband is very loving towards me & so patient we’ve had sex 10 times in 21yrs I had a lot of anger inside me it’s really good to know ppl are not alone ive never talked to anyone about my abuse as I felt ashamed & dirty I’ve been reading through your article I now feel free thank you for writing about yourself & publishing it I don’t know to this day if my stepdad is alive or dead but I do know one thing he’s not a man or a human being cause deep down I know he will never admit or say sorry for what he has done he took away my childhood
Thanks Dawn Paul. I’m still so glad I opened up about this particular aspect of my abuse. When I was younger I thought I was the only one who responded to their abusers, and that was the biggest source of guilt that I carried. It was embarrassing for me to admit I was abused, but I was ashamed to admit I reacted to the abuse. Now though, I know it was a totally normal reaction. Just like I would feel a burn no matter who inflicted it, I felt sexual stimulus whether I wanted it or not. Your example of a nerve ending is perfect.
Sam I’m glad you’ve taken the time to read this. The start of my healing was when a friend gave me a few articles to read about abuse and that really propelled me to start talking about it and facing the effects it had on my life. It’s nice to finally be able to talk and think about what was done to me without feeling shame. That shame belongs with my abusers, not me. I’m so thankful to all the other survivors who’ve paved the way for me to talk about these things, and I hope what I have shared here can help more survivors. I’m sure if you take a look around the site you will find more info that resonates with you.
Jennifer,
It terrifies me to be typing this for others to see but I feel that i have to say thank you for your article. After 34 years I have begun to delve into the sexual abuse from my past. I had no idea how it impacted everything in my life. I was in elementary school when I was first abused by my cousin. The memories were foggy at first and still are to some degree, but they are becoming clearer as I work through them with sound counsel. This abuse rolled into me being sexually abused into my teenage years by other guys. The hardest part was not, admitting the abuse, although that was extremely difficult, but admitting that my body responded with pleasure to the abuse. That was extremely confusing and humiliating to me. Your article, as well as the responses here, are helping me to understand this a little better. I have always thought that the abuse was my fault and still do to some degree. In my head I can say it wasn’t my fault but my emotions say something completely different. I know it is a process but I still struggle facing it.
Thank you so much Jennifer for your article. I was abused at 6 years old and have felt ashamed due to the feelings i had toward what happened. I can relate to sooo many of the above posts but there is still an issue i face even today that i am ashamed of even more. I feel like i should talk to someone about it but im not ready to go open with it in a post here.
from the moment i first took my breath i was being abused, ill never know if that was sexually! but i was tide up in coats, and also had fag’s put out on my face! knees, and the back of my foot.. as the years went on i grew up only knowing the things that happened to me where normal! i was being sexually abused from the age of 5 from what i can remember, stripped and punched around then to the more serious stuff. ( for some reason im not able to call it what it is )
after a year of the sexual abusing it lead to rape, my mother was a drug user and also drank far to much, my father was in prison and my mother changed her boyfriends at least 4 times a year, and all of them managed to preform the same stuff on me i sometimes wonder if my mum had set them up to do so.. as i used to have two guys do it at once on me!.. going through all of that never once did i think it was wrong and even do this day i still find it hard to no how im ment to feel, i no its wrong but i always try to make excuses for it happening! and its been 12 years since it stopped!
at the age of 10 years old i cried out for help i tried to kill myself, and that only got me locked up in a cell for a week with doctors coming to test me for a mental illness, but i just couldn’t tell them the real reasons why so i lied and told them i was hearing voices! i wanted to be locked up from the world.. but was released a week later and back defending myself.. i ended up in children homes and the sexually abuse soon crept back up, but this time it was by children my own age or slightly older.. had i lead them on? had i acted the way i did for the men?.. i will never know!
years past and i became a wreck! i had chosen to sleep around.. by the time i was 15 years old i had willingly slept with 27 people! but never felt happy afterwards.. but felt as if it was something i needed to do!… i went from one violent relationship to another by the time i was 16 years old i got myself a flat, fell pregnant after being raped by my boyfriend at the time… which luckily i lost the child through another one of his acts! after that i tried so hard to pick myself up.. but started turning down the same path as my mother was on, i turnt to drugs and drink! which resulted in me risking my own life on a daily basis.. then in October 2012 i woke up to being raped and had finally spoke out.. went to the police and took it to court only for the man to walk free! he had even admitted over text.. since then ive been a mess i finally found courage and hope that someone would help me but watching the man walk free took me back to rock bottom… and i feel as if i deserve everything that had happened to me. although i know i shouldnt and ive been in tears everyday since.. forcing myself to sleep so my mind hasnt got chance to sleep !
Im sorry to hear your story Charlene… Things happend to me too at a young age and some of the feeling you have, I have as well.. Would you be interested in talking about it between you and me? If so, i am as well.. I dont like putting everthing out in public on a forum but would love to have someone to talk to about things.
Sometimes, not always, when I have sex with my husband, there comes a point when I want to scream from the emotional pain of past abuse. I’m so sad tonight. Hurting so much. When I was a kid I used to cut to avoid the pain. Wish I could now–but I won’t. I guess I must still have to learn to become a friend to myself. Can you help me?
Charlene, I am so very sorry for all the awful things that happened to you.
Please be very, VERY careful about responding to requests on here for private contact, as sometimes the abused become abusers themselves.
One thing that I find quite helpful is to do some form of journaling to express my thoughts and feelings – especially those I can’t talk about. That way, one can express and sort the feelings without fear of the abuser finding out.
One can use a paper journal; draw pictures; write songs; use an on-line blog [like Blogger.com] with privacy settings set to “only me;” or even posts on Facebook with the “only me” setting.
Counseling can be a good option, but be sure to find a good fit with your therapist.
There are also some other blogs, etc, that I find helpful, like
Overcoming Overwhelm https://www.facebook.com/overcoming.overwhelm?ref=br_tf
and Emerging From Broken https://www.facebook.com/emergingfrombroken?ref=br_tf
I also have a resource page on Facebook: Crackerz!! – resources to help people help themselves (I am a page manager.) We are set up purely to help people find resources. We will never try to sell you anything!
https://www.facebook.com/emotional.issues.resources.BC
I am a victim from years of abuse, myself, an I wish you well. MA God be with you, as you go on your journey of healing.
DArla,
My comment to Charlene is for you, too!
Janet, where do I find your comment? I don’t see it in this same thread.
Darla, The comment I posted is still awaiting moderation.
For me, it never seemed real. I remember my dad, never a man who was very affectionate with me, almost changing overnight. It started at the age of 11, in a parking lot of the ice cream shop we were at. Mine was melting and dad helped me with my cone. Then my fingers needed to be cleaned. As he used his tongue he moved down on me and I soon was naked. So after that day, it happened almost every weekend. My dad had oral sex on me because he loved me, this is how he said he could prove it. By the time I was 14 I had woken up from that nightmare. It really is tough, like you said. The body sure made it feel like it was a good thing happening to me. Thanks dad, for years of anguish that I had to live with afterwards. Finally, finally, I know it wasn’t my fault.
Yes – I surpressed the abuse for many years and then had alter egos who told me stories of enjoying and seeking incest. I was ashamed of these fantasy-alters-women. Eventually I recalled some of the experiences I had had of sexual grooming, tuition, seduction, and various degrees of sexual activitiy with my father and others. I have very mixed feelings – I cannot reconcile this version of him (the seducer-abuser) with the other perceptions I have of him, and even if I can, I enjoyed the sexual experiences – experenced arousal, (was taught to experience) orgasm and eastern courtesan techniques.
Shame does not come into it except the shame (I could never admit) of the sexual pleasure I got from my abuse f?from about 8 through to my late teens. I should not have enjoyed the sex, I should not have even sought it out latterly. Once the memories surfaced – some are still hazy from the earlier years – and I realised they were mine, I should be appalled by my experience . One one moral, intellectual level I am – and it has screwed me up enormously – but part of it was enjoyable. How can one say I enjoyed and was pleasured by sex with my father – I wanted it. A lot sometimes.
I’ve started being molested when I was was 4-15…and started getting…farther 10-15. I,always feel like its my fault. I’ve told my mom and she didn’t believe me. I can’t look myself anymore really. It was my older sister is was being done to also. But he stopped with her and kept going on me. Idk what else to do. I wanna get help but I don’t want him going to jail. ???? someone please help me.
Dawn, if only the experience could be clear to us as children that it was wrong. Confusion is the norm. It has taken me along time to understand that it was not my fault. It was his! I had parents that were not supportive and especially my father who in his eyes I could do nothing right. Then there was my uncle who seemed to adore me. It was only as an adult that I realized he was grooming me at the age of 5 or 6 (maybe earlier-I don’t remember) to make me believe that he loved me. And he was the only adult in my life who did – or so I thought. I too sought him out, wanted to spend time with him and received pleasure from his sexual abuse. It happened very frequently as I took every opportunity to spend the night at his house with my aunt and many cousins all of whom seemed to be unaware of what was going on or pretended to be. He told me I was special and even though he had a son he told me that I was his number one son. But I wasn’t to tell anyone. In my mid-teens I started to feel there was something wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it. I still enjoyed those times with him and was was greatly pleasured. By the time I was 18 I began to be afraid that everyone was going to know about this and thus started the shame. I blamed myself for many, many years after the actual abuse ceased but felt a big hole in my life. I still wanted him to love me but he had lost interest and that really hurt.
Do you see the way this type of manipulation starting at such a young age can be so very confusing and shameful. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. It was your father and his perversions that are to blame!
I too wanted it a lot sometimes but how is a child to understand what is happening except that it feels good. Again, it was not your fault and it is totally normal to feel physical pleasure and sometimes even emotional attachment to the person that is really screwing with your life.
With true love and understanding…
Well if someone injected another with heroin against their will, they’re going to get high from it cause that’s what heroin does. It has nothing to do with consent because it’s pure physics. The person might even become an addict because they want the drug again. But they were still addicted against their willi.
An abuser can Inflict pleasure on someone unwillingly and they do it to restrain them with pleasure because it doesn’t leave marks like ropes or handcuffs. But the abuser is still wholly responsible. They are just master manipulators. They use pleasure and threats and guilt like ropes to bind the body and mind. The last thing they want is to take responsibility for what they do. Don’t let them shed responsibility by taking guilt and shame on to your own head. No – it is entirely their fault. They just want what they want and if they can coerce you with pleasure so they can get what they want, all the better. But they are still coercing, still manipulating, still abusive, still master narcicists, still wholly responsible. Never forget that. NEVER forget that.
When I was less than nine years old my dad would give me “Horsey rides” on his knee and at some point they started stimulating me. My dad would stop and start and stop and start and it Would build up feeling better and better sand then he would stop again right before I could come. but I didn’t know what the feeling was. .
One time my mom walked in the den and saw me grinding on him and blamed me for it and severely punished me.
I hardly remember except my mom drag me up the stairs by my alarm and I’m spanking me and hitting me as hard as she could and put me to bed and then after that my mom and my sister would make fun of me and call me Lolita. And after my mom punished me my dad started telling me I was too old for Horsey rides.
I was so traumatized by my mom punishing me that I had this memory away for 40 years in the back of my mind I have a lot of symptoms of abuse but I could never remember anybody abusing me The mind is funny things that I do memories but one day about 17 years after my father died from a brain tumor, everything came back to me as clear as day
I could never have an orgasm with a man in my whole life. I’m single I never married never had kids I always thought something was wrong with me — but the truth is something was wrong with my father something was very wrong
I’ve read so many of your stories today that have given me the courage to share what happened to me. This I’ve never shared with anyone and I hope that the release of this guilt and shame will bring me healing now. My dad started molesting me around 10-11 years old that I can recall. I remember that he started with touching me and watching me take showers through a small hole he had made in the bathroom wall. Over time he started performing oral sex on me. I think the first time I was in 6 th grade. Eventually this was his favorite past time and he would look for and create opportunities for this. And any chance he got to get me alone he went right to it. I remember once he had me to himself for a whole weekend while my mom and brothers went out of town. That night he gave me oral and when I protested he told he that “you must like it because you are wet.” The devastation! Now he is trying to convince me I like being molested by my own dad!?? The first time he made me orgasm I was laying on my back in a hotel room with him between my legs. When I asked him why he was doing this he said to punish me. Now I am connecting orgasms with having to be punished. Sadly after awhile I would lay in bed and allow him to manually arouse me….shamefully to say because I had come to enjoy the feeling. Tears………
Hi, so I think I can come clean. I have kept this secret for a long time. When I told my story for the first time ever to my therapist, I never told him or anyone for that matter, that my rapist forced me to perform oral on him and tying me down so he can do oral on me. I wish I can tell my therapist this cause I want to be honest with him. But I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like he wouldn’t believe me, that he would judge me. My abuser also raped me vaginally and he knows that but I am too embarrassed to admit that He orally raped me. I feel so dirty and I feel like I am going to throw up so I am not going to talk anymore about this. Should I tell my therapist and be honest with him or should I reveal this secret to him? I trust him but I am too embarrassed.
Omg, just came across this. Been trying to process this all… Crying.
I was never able to think of it in any other way than it being me..
You just explained a whole different aspect of it! And some of the comments could be written by me.
Okay, so here it goes…this is not easy, but I’ll try.
Courage, right?!
The thing about arousal, excitement and even orgasm…
I was abuse by my uncle from about 4-5 yeats of age until around 18 years old.
It happened during the later years, when I was an older teenager. After I was done doing to him what he wanted me to do, most often give him oral, he would strangle me, choke me and gag me (that in itself is still a HUGE issue for me!) and force me to keep my eyes open and look at him.
He’d push his fingers in that soft spot on my chest above the sternum. Most often to the point that I retched which seemed to turn him on even more… He would then be on top of me, there was no escape. He would give me oral and do all sorts of other things to me.
It would happen that I would get aroused sometimes because of what he did to me and every now and then I would even get an orgasm too.
That was the worst! No matter how hard I tried not to, it didn’t help. Nothing worked. I couldn’t help it. It just happened. I think part of it is because I couldn’t move (away) the way I wanted to/would have needed to.
And of course he noticed it and that was confirmation to him that I liked it too. And that’s what he kept telling me…
And I somehow believed him, because otherwise I wouldn’t reach orgasm, right?!
Because by then I knew just enough about sex to confuse me even more. And it’s not like I could ask anyone.
I think that is one part I still struggle with very much.
The guilt and shame and dirty feelings and confusion about that are deep and dark. And so disturbing.
How could I have let this happen? A physical response from me that in no way matched what was going.
I can’t seem to forgive myself for not being able to avoid climax while such a monster raped me time and again…
the bodily response is the hardest to get past, and one of the most painful to deal with, even if you were a kid when it happened. it is hard to not blame yourself when you go seeking affection and attention, and so trade your body for it, even though you know it is wrong because they were family,