Comments on: Forgetting About Abuse: Who Does That Really Serve?

By: Heather

Heather — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 12:47:00 +0000

Awesom truth!! Thank You…
The Truth sets us free….always!
Predators hide in lies…
They lay in wait, when people are silent
I will NOT be silent!!
They are the criminal, not me
or my son…
Love……..

By: Rachel Marie

Rachel Marie — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 14:19:47 +0000

Thank you for your honesty. Your story has helped me make sense of mine.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:15:08 +0000

Natasha,
Wow, that’s fantastic the way you’re facing this. I know how I felt when my memories were surfacing and I was nowhere near ready to make the kind of bold moves and resolutions that you are making. Good for you!
Christina

By: natasha

natasha — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:40:48 +0000

i am just starting to remember… i have put my past behind and somehow suppressed my memories, i even helped my dad for years financially. now i’m starting to finally wake up to the fact that this man is responsible for my broken childhood, for my self-destructive behavior. abuse from him and neglect from my mother turned me from an innocent little girl into a monster.
for years i tried to forget about it, i blamed myself for being bad, i overcame my desire to hurt others and myself and thought that i “grew out of it”. but i never really did – even though i stopped hurting others i kept hurting myself with every relationship i took. finally, i think, i’m waking up… and so are my memories..
for a moment I wanted to forget them again and move on, pretend that my dad is a good man who loves me… but i think you are totally right Christina, there is no better cure that just facing it and dealing with it as an adult. I want to have a normal life and i want to have my own family – these are all new feelings that i hadn’t had before. i finally have a decent man with whom i wish to have a kid. I don’t want to mess it up. it’s time to face my demons and not let them take over me again.
I just wrote my dad a message saying ” I’VE REMEMBERED WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD. I HOPE YOU WILL TOO, FATHER. YOU NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT AND LIVE WITH IT – AS I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.”
This is the promise I’m making to myself: if I have a kid, my father won’t be allowed to be around. It will be hard to explain others my sudden change – I’m 29 years old! but it’s time to do what’s right. I’m not doing it to punish my father, I’m doing it for myself and my future family.

By: Abigail

Abigail — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 18:12:36 +0000

Melanie,
Thank you for that quote. It is overwhelming to have not just my own agony and pain to deal with but also the horror of the feeling that so many people will either ignore it, not want to talk about it, tell me they are so sorry but really I should just forget it (cause they want to), and even those who know what it is like but are powerless to help bring justice to the perpetrators.
Even though there has still been no justice brought in my case against the men who roam still free to continue abusing others, it helps so much to keep being reminded that I’m not alone and that there is nothing wrong in my continuing to seek justice even though it has been many years.
Some days it feels to much to bear and hopeless and that all our efforts and not going to stop this “secret” crime. And, knowing that so many others suffer is numbing because I can feel it all….their pain….my pain…., and I don’t know if I can make it even another day.
But other days, when I read things that come to my mail from those of you who understand it all so well, and know that we all band together in a way, in a huge sisterhood and brotherhood, that we can remember that if even “just for today…I am free”, it is enough to help me, and hopefully all of you, make it through this moment and day, and remember that we can help others with our .
Thank you again, Melanie, so much. And thanks to all of you, for the support and for not giving up. Please keep going. We can be free and keep being there for one another.
Awareness is finally happening more and more….(like I just heard in the news about the vigils, talks and fund raising surrounding what is happening in Pennsylvania) and that gives hope.
HUGS to you all.–Abigail

By: melanie blow

melanie blow — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 01:00:27 +0000

One of my favorite Pearl Jam songs has a line “make yourself a pact, not to shut doors on the past/
just for today,… I am free”. There is enormous wisdom that line. People, both those who have been abused and those who haven’t, would rather forget their own guilt and discomfort than deal with it. And encouraging us to forget makes them think they’re moving in that direction. And that’s how kids get hurt.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 16:01:54 +0000

Carol,
Learning to express my anger in healthy ways that didn’t hurt others has been a challenge for me too. I haven’t been physically abusive or verbally abusive, but I’ve had sudden outbursts of throwing (soft) objects against walls, which was very disturbing to my husband and daughter. It scared them that it was unexpected, which wasn’t considerate of them. I needed the freedom to express myself so I began to warn them if I felt the need to do something like that so they didn’t have the fear that it could happen at any moment. Also, talking about my anger as I’m feeling it helps so much. I feel heard and seen, which was so lacking in my childhood.
Christina

Stevemp210,
Thank you for sharing your experience. My mom was a “burying her head in the sand” type too and I know how painful that kind of abandonment is.

I don’t know your family, but I know how abusive systems work and I agree with you that if you were to confront your family, they’d likely turn it all on you. I know confrontation has been helpful for some survivors, but I don’t think it’s necessary and I don’t think it should be entered into lightly. I’m glad you’re trusting your own judgment about this. I never confronted my dad to his face because I don’t have anything to gain from that. I’ve written him a letter expressing my feelings and posted it here and that was all I needed. I don’t want to waste another second of my life in his company and I don’t need anything from him. Good for you for doing what’s best for you!
Christina

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:39:02 +0000

SkunkAtThePicnic,
Love your screen name! How appropriate that is when we stand up to the abusive system. Your comment: ” It seems lonelier on my side of the wall from time to time, but it’s a place free of the enabling mentality that makes my skin crawl – so I am the lucky one.” I feel that way too. I’ve grieved over the original abuse–both mine and my daughter’s–and I’ve grieved that I wasn’t important enough to them to protect or work things out with. I’ve grieved for the loss of family, even if I never felt a part of them. BUT I’m SO thankful to see the truth about them and about me and there is nothing they could ever say or do that would make me want to be a part of them anymore. I love truth; they hate it and we don’t have anything in common. Thanks for standing for the truth!
Hugs, Christina

Hurt Again,
Thank you so much for your comment. Even through the highs and lows and all the pain, you’re persevering and that’s so inspiring!
Christina

By: stevemp210

stevemp210 — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:07:43 +0000

I applaud that you have a blog dedicated to this subject. There are so many women who have endured this and have been expected to keep quiet about it to keep the family together. I was physically abused and sexually molested by my own brother. My father was a falling down alcoholic who stumbled into the house every night. I was just a child, but I finally begged my mother not to leave me alone with my brother. She couldn’t deal with it and promptly got in her car to leave me alone with him once again. Once again he dragged me out of my bedroom, beat me, and held me down to his favorite thing. He would allow spit to drip from his mouth and then just when I thought it would fall on me he would suck it up again. Oh, but sometimes, he couldn’t catch it in and it would fall on me. As I grew older, it became sexaul molestation. My brother would grab my bottom or hold me down, put his face between my crotch, and tell me that I smelled bad. This evolved into him opening the locked bathroom door when I was showering to watch me and putting his fingers between my legs when I was sleeping. He finally attempted to have me stroke his erection when he tried to tell me that me had caught his penis in his zipper and I needed to help him with the pain. I was maybe eleven years old at the time and didn’t even know what what was happening to him physically. After that, I begged my mother once again to stop him and she just could not even hear it or deal with it. To her, no matter what I said, it just wasn’t happening because she didn’t want it to happen. In the meantime, I was becoming an adolescent and acting out in ways to show I wasn’t going to accept the miserable childhood that I was handed. I was not healthy for me, but it felt so good to be my own person and not a constant victim of those who were supposed to love me most. My first marriage was, of course, a disaster. It pretty much ended when he locked me in a room and threatened to burn the house down with me in it. I had known him all through high school and truly believed he had such a good heart in him. When I told my mother about my marital problems, she immediately said, “Divorce Him.” I did and moved back home into that hell hole. I proceeded to get two jobs and maintain close to a 4.0 grade point average at a reputable college. I now understand that this was just part of my mother’s sick plan. She had wanted so many times to divorce my dad but could not find the courage to do it. Once I moved back home, I was constantly denigrated by both my mother and father for what a failure I was. At one point my mother told me to leave and she would take my son. I realized that was the sick point of it all. Oh how naive I was. She never wanted me. She wanted my son. This is the important part. I persevered; I have a Master’s Degree; I have my son and I have a happy marriage for sixteen years now. My problem is that I still have flashbacks and I am still expected to pretend that nothing happened. I speak to my mother every few weeks, my father almost never, and my brother about twice a year. We all pretend that we are a happy normal family. I am 40 years old. I have been the good littlle daughter and sister for far too long. I mean them no animosity at this point, but for my own well-being, I honestly want nothing more to do with them. After almost a year, we are getting ready to meet for Thanksgiving and I am feeling the stress. I honestly know that if there is a confrontation, thst it will be turned back on me. I was once told by a therapist, and I haven’t had much luck with them, that I must confront them. Easy for him to say. One day I went to an appt. and found that he had left his job and was long gone. The messed up leading the same. How can I trust his advice.

By: carol

carol — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 23:06:32 +0000

wow what a conversation.
reading some of the posts made me think about forgetting and why we do it? is it better to have memories that are hidden or those that reply over and over again. me i went with forgetting at 43 im still trying to get what i forgot back so ican move onwards in my self proclaimed quest. how can i speak out in a professional arean when i have some much there waiting to derail me. how can i go forward without remembering what i have spent my whole life hiding from, so as not to hurt those who hurt me and therefore cause more pain. yet my husband and child suffer because of those who hurt me and i forgot what they did. the details are missing little little peices of my jigsaw. i hate that i was forced to forget so i could survive, yet anytime i get close to the issues i know are there in the shadows hiding behind my walls and coping skills. mmmm it really starting to hurt that i cannot get on with my palns as the past continues to hold me in its grip. even to feel a panic attack is rare because i have gotten so used to block the triggers whitout dealing with why i am being triggered. the social conditioning i have been undergoing so i fit into society has made it harder in the long term to access the parts i need to let go off as the conditioning says ooo you cannot be that way now or you cannot take this out on this person because your rage is for someone else. i dont care im angry and i vent and it not right those closest get it in the neck but who else can i vent on . oooo this is just flowing and i know it because im stressed inother areas and my defences get lowered and i get a peek but as soon as the stress levels even out up go the walls and the snippets of insight left only confuse me more