Comments on: Why Was I Afraid of Healing From Sexual Abuse?

By: Penny Smith

Penny Smith — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 21:43:32 +0000

Hello Miranda, Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. How well I remember fighting the memories and trying to push the emotions away. I so wanted to go on as if nothing had happened. I didn’t want any of it to be true…but denying it did not make my abuse or any of its’ affects any less real. I’ve only been actively working on healing for a couple years now and I think the ‘honeymoon’ stage has ended for me. After the initial difficulty of accepting that the abuse was real and starting on my journey, I was so excited. I seemed to be making alot of breakthroughs and changes and felt like I was really overcoming by leaps and bounds. Here lately though it has been all slow going, hard work and I question sometimes whether I did the right thing by trying to heal. When I think about it logically, I know that I couldn’t have continued the way I was. I was a mess. I was so full of pain and unresolved issues and secrets. I was depressed and always waiting for something horrible to happen. I was alive….but I wasn’t living.

I, too, have a very difficult time trusting men. One of my abusers was my grandpa, someone I should’ve been able to trust. As a result, I find it very hard to have a solid, trusting relationship. I can relate to your feelings of mistrust and insecurity. Many days my children are all that keep me going. I know I must keep fighting, I must keep going, not only for me, but for my children. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be for them and give them a better start in life than I had.

Thank you for the reminder that “we are not alone and together we can overcome.”
Penny

By: Miranda

Miranda — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:53:05 +0000

Hi Penny
Thank you for your post and your responses. I can totally relate to having some reluctance to heal. Who wants to dredge up those painful emotions or relive those awful memories? I have been on the road to healing for some time now, ever since my children were born and are now 12 and 13. I have made significant strides, but then I become complacent and think I’m all better. I then pretend everything is alright until some crisis creeps up that I have difficulty dealing with and I have no idea why I am reacting or feeling the way that I do. I was recently reminded that I suffer from Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder, no doubt a residual effect from my childhood sexual abuse by my father.

Not growing up in a safe environment and having the person who is supposed to take care of you betray your love, makes it very difficult for me to trust anyone in my life, especially those of the opposite sex. This has affected me in many streams of my life including my work and personal life. After a long string of failed relationships and a failed marriage to the father of my children, I finally had the fortune of finding someone who understands me and continues to help me in my recovery. However, even though I logically know he is completely devoted to the children and I, there is still that irrational part of me that does not trust, feels unsafe, and has a fear of abandonment. My ASAD is so severe that recently when my husband and I moved to another town and my husband stayed behind in the city to sell our house for a couple of months, I experienced frequent shortness of breath, began to feel more tired and unmotivated as the days went on, and felt like I was spiraling into a depression. My only saving grace was when my children came home from school and I didn’t feel so alone. At first I didn’t know what was going on, wondering “what the hell was wrong with me”. Then when I was reminded of my ASAD and started researching the symptoms, it confirmed to me that I wasn’t crazy and that my feelings were legitimate. Being able to define the problem and putting a name to it, allowed me to deal with it.

I also realize that I have to continue to deal with the demons of my past and try to heal from them, not get complacent. I need to continue to peel back the layers and discover who I really am. Ignoring the symptoms or pretending that everything is all right has only taken me further away from my path of healing. I may never heal completely, but by continuing to educate myself about the affects of abuse, and learning healthy ways to cope, I know that I will be moving in the right direction. Social media like this blog also help and I thank you all for sharing your stories. We are not alone and together we can overcome. Knowledge is power.
Miranda

By: Penny Smith

Penny Smith — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 06:05:54 +0000

Libby,
I, too, took a long time to get to the point that I was ready to do whatever I needed to to heal. I’m so glad that you are doing what YOU feel is right and what YOU need to heal. So many times others think they know what’s best for us but in the end we are the ones who know what we need. Good for you for getting angry, standing up for yourself and making strides towards healing.
Penny

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 02:01:29 +0000

Libby,
After reading your comment, I want to jump up and shout! I love this the most, “SO what am I going to do? Well, I am going to continue with the group – if it becomes to much I have the option to stop – and re-join at a later date. And the problem therapist? Well, I am going to tell her how I feel about what she said. And toss the ball back at her’ trust works both ways – she has got to trust ME. So there!” You GO girl!!!! And hooray for feeling angry!
Christina

By: Libby

Libby — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 17:51:57 +0000

Penny – THANK YOU. That makes sense – after a very volatile few days.
It is reassuring to hear that you still have days when its hard to move; my husband is struggling with me when I am in this state.
The second week of my group was much better – and I was quite energised by what we did there. This spilled over into my individual therapy session – and I think I made quite a significant break through. But then, later in the week, we (husband and me) went to our joint session (with a psychologist/psychosexual therapist), which we go to alternate weeks. Most of that session was good but, and it feels like a big BUT, she was not happy that I had joined a group. She thinks I may be doing too much.
Its weird – in my childhood I lacked a protector, and in my early adulthood too. My husband is a good man – and I feel safe with him. But I have all these other “protectors” – therapists and counsellors, as well. Mostly I feel good with them – even when I am being challenged – I am safe. But after this one I felt bad. Here I am trying to heal, I am pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone – her sessions in particualr are extremely scary for me.
I made a conscious choice about this group, feeling that now I needed some peer support. But this one therapist is not happy. And I feel like she has rained on my parade. I can understand some of where she is coming from – but I also have this feeling that there is an element of professional jealousy there too – I am “her” client. But she wants me to chose – having said that she might consider a break in our joint work if I want to stay with this group.
This is the crux, isn’t it? I have waited a long time to get to this place. I have waited a long time to “wake up” to my needing to heal, and I have waited a long time to get to see this therapist – who is also coming up to retirement. I have worked so hard and struggled so much to even be prepared to contemplate seeing a tehrapist let alone joining a group. I have coped with the stuff that has been thrown up, and I have made huge efforts to change. And I am still standing! I haven’t folded up into a heap (close run thingssome weeks though) and I haven’t totally lost the plot either. If I lived in the USA I would probably be having therapy 3 times a week. But in the UK we seem to be think once a week is enough. Its not enough for me, is how I think/feel.
The exhaustion HAS to be worth it, although I must balance this against the need to be able to function. So now, to feel I am being backed into a corner, to conform to someone else’s belief about what I should be doing, just does not sit right. Actually it feels manipulative, bordering on abusive.
hen I have spoken to the two other therapists about this they have both encouraged me to make my own decision. They have been supportive – although they too are cautious about me taking care of myself – but I guess at the end of the day I feel they trust me to make the best decision for myself.
So what choice can I make? If I chose to do what I believe I need/want – then I run the risk of screwing up our joint therapy. And that is a significant loss, potentially. If I give up on my group – I can do it another time. BUT I feel the group adds to what I am already doing – AND will improve my coping skills generally.
SO what am I going to do? Well, I am going to continue with the group – if it becomes to much I have the option to stop – and re-join at a later date. And the problem therapist? Well, I am going to tell her how I feel about what she said. And toss the ball back at her’ trust works both ways – she has got to trust ME. So there!
Actually I am angry. I am mad as hell. Finally! ))

By: Deb

Deb — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 22:31:18 +0000

Thank you! x

By: Penny Smith

Penny Smith — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 05:49:22 +0000

Deirdre,
It is a wonderful new life isn’t it? Even through all the difficult times, I’m enjoying getting to know who I really am. I’m so thankful that I found my voice and finally learned to stand up for myself. I’m also thankful to have others, like you, to share this journey with.
Hugs,
Penny

By: Penny Smith

Penny Smith — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 05:40:42 +0000

Libby,
I definitely understand the exhaustion you’re talking about. I think we all go through times when it just seems like too much. Once thing leads to another and another. Then, emotion after emotion comes to the surface as we deal with things. Sometimes it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other and it feels like I’m going nowhere. What keeps me going in times like those is the knowledge that I have nothing to go back to…I know I wasn’t truly living before, and the hope that one day things will be better. Eventually, a break comes, I have a moment to breathe and I can see that I have made progress.

I think the point in us being angry at those that abused us (even if they are dead) is that it is not only a release of all that pent up emotion but it is our right. It’s like we’re admitting that it was wrong what was done to us and saying that we are worth being angry over. We were taught we had no rights, but we do. We are allowed to be as angry as we want for as long as we want over how we were treated.

I like that term ‘emotional vampires.’ That’s exactly what those so-called friends are. They take and take and have nothing to give. We don’t have to allow those people in to our lives when all that we’re dealing with is draining enough. It makes all the difference in the world to have supportive people around you.

I wish you all the best on your journey. I trust you will soon see just how very much you are worth and how brave you are to choose to pursue healing.
Hugs,
Penny

By: deirdre burnside

deirdre burnside — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 15:47:53 +0000

YES. My whole life I have felt brainwashed. I have said yes to everything, even when my whole body was crying and screaming at me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about, actually. My new thoughts have opened up a miraculous new life. I can feel the love and see the messages that now encourage me on my newfound path of healthy living. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story.

By: Libby

Libby — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 15:43:30 +0000

I can so relate to this. I am at the stage of wondering why I started this (healing). last week I joined a survivors group – I’ve been thinking about this for a while and thought this would be an important step. It wasn’t too traumatic, its a very small group, but I came away totally drained – in my therapy session later on I could barely function – and it has taken me all week to recover – just in time to go again next week.
Change is something I know I don’t cope with well, I hate the uncertainty. Learning about emotions I have stuffed down for so long – its exhausting. I have got used to the huge waves of grief – I can do that – but the anger – thats a whole different ball game. And admitting to that in front of a group is totally different to doing it one to one.
I am able to recognise that I am ambivalent about this process because I am so afraid of emotion, of change, of getting to know who I really am. Scared of finding that I truly am nothing, clinging to the hope of being worth something. To discover some self-esteem is proving terribly painful, expressing anger seems pointless – the people I am angry with are dead and gone – so whats the point? I guess my identity is so predicated on being worthless/placid that if I let go those things the “who am I” is like staring into a black hole.
In the last year I have broken off contact with people who have not behaved like true friends. I have nothing to spare, now, for emotional vampires. This is easily the hardest thing I have ever done. But I cannot stop now – I have gone through too much already – and so have my friends and family. So, I keep taking one step at a time, one after the other – hoping I can get through to somewhere more pleasant.