Comments on: My Healing Journey: Stumbling and Getting Back Up

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 08:18:27 +0000

Cassandra, thanks! I think I’m coming to a new level of accepting that living a healthy life means constantly fighting through the effects of abuse.

By: Cassandra Donnelly

Cassandra Donnelly — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 01:43:10 +0000

Wow, great writing. I so related to this, especially to the anger part-how abuse affects every part of our life. No only anger at the abuse itself, but how hard it is to get through life, now, and how hard we have to fight just to overcome. Thanks for sharing.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 01:25:14 +0000

Libby,
Oh, I can relate to so much of what you said! There are a lot of highs and lows with the healing process. I remember after my first radio interview, I talked about things I hadn’t ever said publicly before and I felt great. Then the next day and for a few days after that, I felt really down. I’d heard myself in a way I hadn’t before and more of the reality hit me and I got in touch with emotions that I’d been disconnected from. So the victory led to more grieving. It’s hard not to be able to predict when that will hit.

I’m sorry about the stuff going on with your husband. I talked a lot about my struggles with my husband and the healing process in a blog post a few months ago: http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2011/08/23/overcoming-sexual-abuse-my-healing-or-my-marriage/

Thanks for sharing your comment.
Christina

By: Libby

Libby — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 17:42:39 +0000

Just when I think I have done enough grieving, another wave hits.
I have joined a group for survivors – and it is already proving to be both wonderful and challenging. Yeterday I was on a high – I’d had a good experience and felt validated and heard. And that continued into my indivudual therapy session later in the day. I felt I had made some important connections – and said some things I had only ever thought in private – never expressed. And today I feel like crap. The things I said yesterday now reverberate round me and through me – I guess thats a change from being numb – but today I feel my brokeness so much more acutely.
My husband tries to be supportive – but he asks when it will be over – I can’t answer – and I resent even being asked. I asked him what he wanted or Christmas – he wanted sex – lthough he quickly apologised I know that’s what he is thinking about – he seems to have a one track mind. We did have a good long talk this morning – and I think he understands more – he finally realises that this is not just about sex now – its about my neglect ful parents, my emotionally abusive father, my terrifying physically, mentally and sexually abusive schools. I was a borken person by the age of 15 – and now I am 55. All those wasted years, a life hal lived, the recurrent patterns of self neglect and abusive relationships. Meeting my husband and marryng in my late 30s was amazing – and I thought I was finally OK – but 2 years ago it all fell apart,and here I am now – feeling like a child again, looking like a grown woman.
And thats what my husband sees – the grown woman. He can’t get huis head around the hiding of my shame, my brokeness, and most of all WHY NOW. Although he’s been told – by me, by therapists, he just doesn’t understand. It’s bad enough that he isn’t hearing me, but he isn’t hearing them either. I don’t havbe the energy to keep explaining myself

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 04:06:13 +0000

Hailes,
Knowing that someone else understands always helps me too. Abuse has such an isolating effect–we’re even separated from our true Selves. But connecting with other survivors and sharing honestly and vulnerably has the mysterious effect of helping us reconnect with ourselves. Thank you for sharing!
Christina

By: Hailes

Hailes — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 15:12:37 +0000

Christina,
Thankyou thankyou thankyou. I am writing this with tears streaming down my face. My last rape was 5 years ago and there is a lot of times that i HATE myself cause i still feel dirty. I have just woken up from one of my frequent nightmares that have haunted me. I always find reading these stories help me to get a perspective on the issue and allows me to realise that i am not the only one who is troubled with this angst. Reading your story tonight has helped me to regrasp that every day that i dont try to harm myself over the incident is another day that i am stronger. It has helped me so much so i and my father thankyou from the bottoms of our hearts,
Hailes

By: Pinky

Pinky — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 20:42:19 +0000

Hi, I also posted this on Emerging from Broken. I tried to find an appropriate article to post this.
It is about the physical results of sexual abuse. It helped me and I think it might help others. Just sharing to help. I am also happy in a weird way about it.
Many of us who were raped and or sexually abused were not believed. I have brought this up before but there seems to be much more information and interest on the body and mind connection that on actual provable damage our bodies have as a result of sexual abuse and or rape.
I was told I was lying and so on in court.
When I was 18 I actually went to a hopsital in NYC and got proof of my physical damage.
But that hospital no longer exists it merged with another one and I doubt they have records from 1981.
So to make a long story short, I had surgery for breast cancer from 2008-1010
I started having digestive problems after surgery. I recently went to a doctor in NYC (a very high end doctor) and had a few stomach biopsy’s because of the digestive problems. I am also due to a get a colonoscopy and a few other tests next month.
The result of the tests I had show some stomach damage from the surgery which is common after surgery and can be corrected easily with medication.
But the doctor said very hesitantly that there was some other damage to my internal organs that can only be from rape and said I don’t want to offend you but have you been raped?
I was so relieved that he asked! I am 48 years old the last time I was raped was probably when i was 14.
Yet I still have damage from it and he said it can’t be from anything else.
So I wanted to share that for anyone who may be facing court issues with their abusers. This may help me tremendously!
He is just a gastroenrologist not even a GYN but obviously top of his field.No other doctor has caught this!
He is sending me for more tests at the end of next month and he believes it will confirm what he suspected and then there may be some surgery or therapy to repair some parts of my female organs that I did not know were damaged!
For those who have faced court issues with lawyers and abusers who call them liars something like this is invaluable! The only problem is there is no DNA at this late stage in my life to prove who did it but I can now prove it happened! I hope this helps someone else!

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 16:00:34 +0000

Amira,
Those feelings of wanting to control the process are very familiar to me. I was afraid of being swallowed up by it the same way the abuse threatened to. But healing and the abuse aren’t the same thing. Sure, the original emotions come up, but they are going OUT not coming IN. They are going out to be gone for good. More layers may come up later, but not the same layer/issue unless you hold on to it. I know your husband wants you to be done and all healthy and fixed, but that’s nothing you can control. Your job is to heal. It’s frustrating for a spouse to see all the suffering and to experience all the unsettling moments, but that doesn’t mean a spouse has the right to short-circuit health and well-being. WE didn’t ask for this– the abuse or the challenges of the healing process. We don’t have anything to apologize for. Spouses sometimes need outside support to face their own issues with this, but they have no right ask us to compromise our well-being to relieve their discomfort. To us, it’s life or death; to them, it’s disruptive to their peace.

Abuse tells us that we don’t have the same value that everyone else does and the healing process can be a challenge to that lie. You have equal value to your husband and have the right to expect to have the chance to be healthy. I truly hope you know that.
Hugs, Christina

By: Amira

Amira — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:14:41 +0000

I think in a lot of ways, Im afraid to let go of the mask of control over my healing journey. I dont want to give in and let healing happen on its own, I want it to do what I want it to do when I want it to do it, period. I feel like I can’t “afford” any more really bad days, or anymore super angry moments because then I will just be swallowed whole by the anger and fear and emotions and self destruct and end up back in the hospital one more time.

So everytime I have a super strong emotional response to something, I stuff it down, and keep stuffing it, and deal with it a tiny bit at a time, hoping that it will work that way, and it never does. But I also feel like I have “worn out my welcome” in the emotional arena, especially with my marriage. My husband just wants it to stop already. He has literally asked me “how much longer is this going to take?” and gets frustrated and annoyed with my emotional moments, and sometimes I get so angry that I just want to explode, and that is even worse than just sadness or fear or whatever.

I just feel like I have no choice but to do it, and do it fast and get to a level that is “liveable” and find some other way to live besides being emotional about everything…and I hate it, but I dont know if that is me being overly dramatic, or if he is being unreasonable, or both…and thats only ONE part of life. Ugh.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 15:36:54 +0000

Vicki,
Yes, the healing work is necessary, though it isn’t pleasant. BUT the results are VERY pleasant and that’s what keeps me doing the work. I’m glad you are too!
Christina