Comments on: UNDERprotected

By: Bethany Ruck

Bethany Ruck — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 21:39:08 +0000

Cassandra, I think there are different levels of anger that we experience. At that time I was feeling pretty rageful. But it died down. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being angry with my abuser and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I’m not enraged about it everyday, but I still have feeling of anger about what he did to me.

Lizzie, I’m so glad you were able to relate.

K, it’s so great that you want to be a support to your friend. I had the same issue with not being able to afford counseling. But counseling doesn’t have to be the answer. There are a lot of books that helped me that we mention in the Resources section of the website. Also, on the OSA facebook page and the OSA Discussions Forum we other survivors sharing and encouraging others through their journey. We’d love to have her be a part of it.

By: K

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 14:16:24 +0000

Wow, I’ve read both Mother and daughter’s story and it answered a question I wondered about. How can a Mother knowingly allow her daughter to be molested by her husband/boyfriend and continue to stay in the relationship? Someone very close to me admitted she had been sexually abused by her step-father since she was four years old. Her mother knew and actively participated in feeding the attraction and making her daughter responsible for her own abuse. I listened as she told me her story. The funny thing is I had noticed a strange family dynamic once exposed to the family because the step-father exhibited inappropriate comments and subtle intimate embraces meant to the outsider to be family hugs towards the daughter. It wasn’t the same with his biological daughter. As far as the Mother, I noticed a bond towards her daughter that seemed to be more competitive than loving. Sort of how you would have with a woman who was a little flirty with your husband or boyfriend. (The daughter in no way elicits this behavior from him, she tries to still have a daughter/father relationship with him) that same behavior was not evident with the biological daughter of her husband. She is still fending off sexual advances from him even now and the family is putting up the image as tho everything is normal when this dynamic is the undercurrent of the relationship as a family unit. Her young daughter has recently informed her that he has made inappropriate gestures towards her. As someone she has come to confide in and trust what can I do to help her through this difficult transition? I did inform her that counseling would help her, but she cannot afford it. I can understand her feelings and hardships in dealing with the situation because although I haven’t experienced sexual abuse I did grow up in a household where there was physical/verbal abuse towards my Mother and I have and continue to struggle with the dynamics in dealing with my Father. My mother finally left my father six years ago after almost 50 years of verbal and physical abuse that included infidelity that resulted in another child. I live with the very real fear that if given the opportunity my Father would kill my mother, he continues to try and play us against each other and he feels we are responsible for the break up and doing everything we can to keep them apart. I love my Father and despite his questionable love for me, I continue to try and have a relationship with him, which at time can be stressful, but I am better able to control how I respond and when I talk to him. But I had to learn to do that. So I highly sympathize with her and would like to help any way I can, especially since she is finally talking about it. I can see she is in a lot of pain, she is dealing with shame & guilt…but she is beginning to acknowledge and talk about it….Personally, I know that is the first step to healing. I have to give props to Bethany for having the courage to speak up and begin the healing process for herself and equally give a thumbs up to Christina for having the courage to support her daughter and recognize that it isn’t about her feelings but doing the necessary thing to help her daughter get through this difficult time. So many parents tend to focus on their own plight and leave the child out in the cold to fend for themselves making the child responsible for their poor choices and neglectful decisions….I commend you both. I know that as adult children of abuse, we have to heal ourselves for the sake of breaking the chain when it comes to our own children. I have done that and I am a much better parent and grandparent because of it!
I have learned in situations where there is any kind of abuse, the reasons this continues to go on is
the person being abused stays silent, whether it is guilt, shame or the need to protect the family. It is a conditioned response.
The choice is taken away when the victim feels there is no one they can trust or that they will be judged in a negative light. As a society, we need to be less judgmental and more empathetic to people who are suffering in this silent epidemic and make it possible for the victims to seek professional help.

By: Lizzie

Lizzie — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 19:33:54 +0000

I also relate to what you said below:

“I began this process by reasoning away my emotions before I even acknowledged them or expressed them. That kept me stuck. I had to feel those things and then I could sort it out. To reverse the order is to invalidate my
feelings and my experience”

It’s somehow easier to have a logical understanding of your feelings but it’s far more difficult to actually feel the emotions. It’s only now as I’m in therapy that I’m learning to feel emotions rather than reasoning them away as you put it.

By: Ryan Speakman

Ryan Speakman — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 17:51:51 +0000

Cassandra: Good point! I think it’s helpful, too, to differentiate between “sinful anger” and “righteous anger”. Jesus had anger, and He showed it: to the money changers in the Temple, to the Pharisees, even to His Disciples and followers at times. The difference between sinful and righteous anger is this: Sinful anger is anger that is self-serving, that seeks to defend oneself (inappropriately) or that seeks gain of some kind, that is based in fear and pride; righteous anger seeks to defend and protect others from various evils. I think that feeling angry – even “permanently” – about a child being harmed by a predator definitely fits into the latter category…

By: Cassandra

Cassandra — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 16:13:12 +0000

You say that being angry isn’t a forever thing. Maybe not, but maybe it could be. I just don’t have the negative feeling about anger that some people have. I don’t think it’s something that needs to be banished. It is what it is. People are flawed and weak and because of that children suffer extreme pain for many, many years. I don’t think a time will come when that doesn’t make me feel grief and anger.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 17:35:36 +0000

For anyone asking the “why” questions, I’ve posted “Confessions of a Child Molester’s Wife”. It answers the questions about how I could “see” and still fail to protect my daughter. As I’ve said before, I don’t think knowing the reasons why does anything for Bethany’s healing or for any of us who were betrayed. There isn’t any reason that can be given that will heal us. Healing only comes from inside.

I’ve shared my post in the hopes that other parents or parent-to-be will consider the importance of healing when they see how my unresolved abuse issues led to my daughter’s abuse.
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2011/03/12/confessions-of-a-child-molesters-wife/
Christina

By: Bethany Ruck

Bethany Ruck — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 02:13:14 +0000

Susan, I appriciate that. I’m glad you’re a part of it.

By: Vicki

Vicki — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 23:26:42 +0000

Would it be in the “none of Vicki’s business” categories to ask why they didn’t act on it?
My favorite person is someone who’s been through more than anybody here will ever have to see and has still come out the other side as a mostly noble person.
I know he makes mistakes, people make mistakes, but he mostly noble and more so than I am.
Some mistakes, in my not-so-humble opinion, are more than that.
Then again, I’m sure it’s none of my business. But it’s hard to stifle feelings about it. That’s why I asked the reason.
Anyway, I’ll stifle myself for now.

By: Susan

Susan — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 18:01:59 +0000

Bethany and Christina; I wanted to say “thank you” for what you do here at OSA. This is so powerful. I admire your courage and appreciate the wisdom that you share. In much appreciation for what you are doing here; Susan:)

By: Bethany Ruck

Bethany Ruck — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 05:42:43 +0000

Wow, Chris. That’s a pretty uncomfortable place to meet your abuser again. Have you considered reporting her now that you know who it is?

David, you’re right. Just because you understand their history and why they did the things they did does not magically make your problems go away and it doesn’t make them less abusive going forward either.