Now, I have a different attitude about healing. First of all, I am not trying to get to the finish line, because I’m happy with the knowledge of knowing how to change different things in my life. The flahsbacks aren’t near as harsh as they used to be because I learned to face each one and get to the root of why it was so harmful in the first place.

And then I look around at those who don’t want to change or even know that they can. And I see how far I have come. I’m not the same person I used to be. I’ve learned how to remove those masks that used to protect me, yet always hurt me. And I like who I am becoming.

With every flashback or trigger, I’ve gotten stronger in myself. Not because of the abuse, but because I’ve chosen to use them to my advantage as a way of changing. They’ve helped me to trust myself and listen to my own warning signals, they’ve helped me instill boundaries, and I’ve learned limits along the way.

And most importantly, I’ve learned to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I’ve learned to nurture myself along the way. I think that is so important for us all. That instead of running to the finsih line, believing that is the only answer, I’ve learned to walk, rest, and enjoy those things around me. If I don’t feel like facing a flashback or trigger, I tell myself it’s ok. I’m not ready right now. And I do it in my time and when I am able to emotionally and physically.

Bill, it does get better. Honestly it does. There is hope in healing. Along with the hard work it takes, there is also the rewards of being closer to who you really are. And if you are tired, then take a break. Rest in it. It will be there tomorrow or a week from now. Take the time you need to nurture yourself and gain your strength back. You can do it. I know you can. ((hug))

I am so glad it was a help to you!! Patty

I am so glad this spoke to you. I’ve been looking for a way to get drunk without getting drunk my whole life. I don’t drink anymore, it used to make me sick, so I found other ways to escape. Keep that light on, as you know, it only gets better. ((hug)) patty

I am so glad this touched you and you could relate to it. It helps to know that others can really relate to what we go thru and have “been there.” Dissociation does get better. I didn’t know I was doing it until a few years ago. Now I have been able to trace it back to it’s roots. The weird thing is, that I like it. I used to call it my “hiding place.” It was hard to give it up, but knew I had to, because I couldn’t remember so many things in my life. I’m glad yours is getting better.

Yeah. Stopping seems to be a combination of everything for me. I can’t do this, and I cant’ do that, and I want to do this. So I just stop.

Thanks for responding to my blog and letting me know it spoke to you. Patty

This was the part that I felt like I had written: WOAH…thanks for your post.

I also noticed that everything stopped. Everything. I didn’t want to take care of myself. I barely made it to the shower and ran around in the same sweatpants for days and viciously brushed my hair. I never opened my makeup and instead of brushing my teeth twice a day, I put toothpaste on my fingertips and rubbed my gums a couple of times. Meals were a thing of the past. I told everyone it was leftovers and that they could help themselves. Forget about cleaning the house. I sat in front of the television and dared anyone to change the channels. I was a like a bull taking a stance—front legs locked. No prodding was going to move me. I wasn’t going anywhere and I wasn’t doing anything.

After a few days of feeling weak and wanting to crawl into bed and not get up, I faced ME. Every one of these were patterns from my past. I went back to that time and remembered how badly I wanted to run.