Comments on: My Sexual Abuse Invaded My Marriage

By: ashley

ashley — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 15:33:58 +0000

i am currently struggling very much in my relationship to my lovely husband, we are very newly wed- and what should be the honeymoon period of our marriage, i feel is quickly turning into a hellish nightmare for me (and i know it hasn’t been easy for him either)
i don’t know who to turn to or talk to, where to get help, or even where to start … my world is slowly falling apart around me and i am losing control.
reading your article struck a chord with me (although my own experiences do differ and are no doubt on a lesser scale) i cant help thinking if you managed to get through this there must be some hope for us, right?
i just don’t know where to begin…

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 03:11:11 +0000

Hi Helen,
Welcome to OSA. Thank you for sharing that. I’ve heard from so many survivors who have said the same thing about when they disclosed their abuse. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Christina

By: Helen Brown

Helen Brown — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 14:09:05 +0000

Hi. I was abused as a child by my foster father for as long as I can remember, it stopped when I was 16 after bringing it to the attention of my foster mother. I thought that was the end of my problems but how wrong I was, it was only the start.

By: Tammy

Tammy — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 19:31:27 +0000

Linda,
This started exactly the same as my story, childhood abuse, lousy parents, abusive first marriage,wonderful, loving 2nd husband. The only difference was I remembered nothing of the abuse until 40 years old.
My life and marriage are in crisis. I am in early stages of therapy but my husband wants total love and. Affection or a new life.
I have showed him this and I hope he will give me chance with my therapy to rebuild and save our 11years together.
This is the most difficult and heart wrenching time of my life and I desperately want to know me and to REALLY feel positive emotions rather than constant fear and anxiety.
Thank you for sharing yourvstory

By: Linda Pittman

Linda Pittman — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 14:22:58 +0000

Jessica, I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. I can imagine the impact on your relationship. Some men believe deep inside that it was the woman’s fault and that we could have fought back. The anger at the perpetrator then is aimed at the victim. I think that if you have a rape crisis center close to you, that contacting them would be helpful. Both of you can benefit in some counseling to help you in this situation. Centers usually offer help not only for you but your partner. Sometime your county will have a victm’s program. You will benefit, even if he refuses to go. You have not done anything wrong and you can feel so much better if you can interact with others that know and can support you. As always, your healing is up to you and the choices you make will help you to get through this. Some husbands are so devastated, they are at a loss as to how to comfort themselves, let alone their partners. I wish you the best and you are a strong person!!

By: Jessica

Jessica — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 04:42:05 +0000

I have just recently been sexually assaulted by one of my husband’s good friends. My husband has distanced himself from me extremely and is saying that he isnt sure if he could remain married to me. He is trying his hardest to be there for me and help me through this but I know and can tell that he is in a lot of pain and confused about how he should feel. I dont know what to do to get my relationship back to how it was and how I help my husband in recovering from this trama that has happened to our lives. Do you have any advise in what I should do?

By: Linda Pittman

Linda Pittman — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 14:13:22 +0000

Bill, I am so sorry that you have had to bear the pain of your wife’s abuse. One thing I know is that the problem began in her life and until she is able and has the courage to face these things and heal, all the work that you do is in vain. I went to a group of survivors and watched many drop from the group because they were not ready to face these things in their lives. I was already in my late 30′s and watched many younger women who had a chance at making their lives better, unable to do the hard work it takes to heal. I remembered how long it took me to get there and how much I wanted for them to not suffer the years of dysfunction and pain that I had gone through. It seemed so unnecessary but until they were ready, nothing changes. You see things clearly from the outside but can’t force someone to heal. They have to want it more than anything else and they have to recognize their need to heal. Victims use denial and they also disassociate from a lot of their abuse because it helps them survive. Just surviving is not always a quality life but many feel that they deserve so little and do not know how to love themselves. When you do not love yourself, you can’t begin to give love to others around you nor can you get close to others. There is a guarding that is a form of self-protection that is hard to overcome for so many. Only those of us that are willing to do what ever it takes to heal, will be able to overcome these things. A marriage cannot be made by one person nor sustained by on person. It seems that you have offered your love and support to her and she has choices to make but the choices she makes may not be what you wish to happen in your relationship. There is a book that deals with the partners of abuse victims called, “Ghosts In The Bedroom”. I believe it is on the reading list here. I know that you wish for her to have a better life but you also need to find your happiness if she chooses not to face this. I wish you the very best, no matter what happens in this situation. Being the spouse or partner of a victim of sexual abuse is a very challenging role. It takes two together, to make the relationship work.

By: Bill

Bill — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 17:09:40 +0000

I have read nearly all forty messages here and some on other sites. What does a guy do that marrys a gal and two years into a 12 year marriage, is told to, …..”….you go into town for that”…… (sex)? “…..just remember where home is.” Before I could ask “what?” – she added that, …..”…. we weren’t having any kids either.” I was lost and felt rejected. I decided she just needed time and brought it up once or twice a year until the 9th year – then I was getting really frustrated and pleaded and begged her to go to counceling – with or without me. She got increasingly agitated and insisted I was making a big deal out of nothing. I’m 54 now and 23 years have passed – I left her and moved out of state to start over. I have returned to our home town to find she still insists I am screwed up for still thinking something in her past needed attention. See, after I filed for divorce, she first tried to say she would have kids but I had to tell her I was not doing this to coerce her into doing something she did not want to do and wouldn’t dream of putting her or my own kids through that. Later, she met me and handedme a 5×7 card with a list of about 25 names of men on it, saying it was a list of guys that had either raped her, molested her or otherwise sexually assaulted her from the age of nine when her parents died in an accident and she became orphan, being passed around from place and extended family member to another.
She asked me what I thought of that. I looked the list over more carefully and said the next time I see her half-brother I was going to knock him on his arse! She immediately was angry and told me that that was why she never told me. (My fault some how?) To this day, she insists that rape and molestation is no big deal and had nothing at all to do with our marriage ending. I felt betrayed. I felt angry at the men on the list – particularily the ones I and come to know through our marriage and had sat at our dinner table or invited to parties! How coud it be more important to protect them than watch me beg and plead for her to get counceling? It was irrational and selfish of her. This is not to say that there is any way I could ever understand what she went through. Empathy is a strong suite with me – and a curse. I put 12 years into that marriage and wanted a family but respected her enough NOT to make a deal to have kids and not leave her. This a small dairy town region and everyone knows everyone else and tend to take particular interest in other people’s business. When I left, I did not move back for 23 years – our friends were allowed to think the worst of me when I was not there to defend myself. This neatly fit into her need to suppress the truth – but she continues on with it by denegrating me aloud at her tavernto clientelle. “Whoa is me (her)?” She’s told me “…….they expect this….from me.” I’m afraid she’s gonna crash very hard one day – so I ignore her feined hate of me. She knows I know and am the only one she has told. I would not be able to be there for her if and when she crashes to support her and encourage her. It may never happen too. I have some mixed feelings of course – but life is not fair, it’s what we make of it. I want her to understand that and also that though I have returned her, I may meet someone I want to spend the rest of my years with.

By: Mircea

Mircea — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 21:25:19 +0000

I’m a 37 year old male, survivor of sexual child abuse by my grandma’s boyfriend. Though I’m married, with two children and I try to have a normal life as much as possible, I can feel the shadow of the abuse darkening my life. It’s not letting me be who I want, my peers reject me and I think I have periods of depression coupled with other specific disorders like post traumatic. I’m a strong guy, physically and mentally. It’s just that sometimes, the demons are stronger. Good luck all.

By: Linda Pittman

Linda Pittman — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 14:39:31 +0000

Gina, I am sorry to hear that you have had so much difficulty working on your healing and that your marriage has sufferd too. I did not have a teenage life with dating and the relationships that most teens learn to negotiate, I married at 19 yrs old to my first husband who was an abuser. I can understand why you are enjoying the differences with other partners but not enjoying a fufilling relationship. It is easier when I felt I could control things and I felt safer that way. I still longed for a fufilling relationship but the risk scared me very much. My husband is younger than myself and what happend for us is that we grew up together as I worked on my healing. I also secretly felt that I had missed out on what it was like to enjoy sex because of the abuse. I think that you will find what it is that will bring you to where you want to be if you learn who you are inside and what you really desire. I spent a lot of time running away from me and meeting everyone else’s needs without really facing my own. Avoiding me was easy, and I could be so much to others or so little, when i began to discover I had choices. I had to slow down and find me and my emotions. I too am enough and I had to keep looking inside to find all the parts of me. I hope you will keep working toward what really satisfies you inside.