Comments on: Why Was I Abused?

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:47:54 +0000

JackB,
Yes, you were an innocent child just like the rest of us and you deserve compassion too.
Christina

AmyH,
When I’ve gone through particularly hard times in my healing process, I’ve hidden myself away too. It’s my way of creating a safe space around me while I deal with those “unsafe” feelings inside of me. I never had that kind of control of my environment when I was a child, but I have that now. However, I’ve also withdrawn at times in reaction to my fear and shame and as a kind of punishment to myself for being so “bad”.

I agree with your comparison about treating a child that way. You deserve to be nurtured, and it’s especially important during such stressful times while you’re facing so many painful things. I hope you take care of yourself.
Christina

By: AmyH

AmyH — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:16:26 +0000

Hi Christina,
Thank you for writing this, it brings me to tears. I want so much to believe I will overcome this! It’s been such a long journey. I am actually still in my twenties, but I am scared often that my life might never get better. Your strength in your words is encouraging. I am so thankful to have found this site.
I’ve been isolating for three days now, alone in my bedroom. I know it’s unhealthy and I need to get out. Instead, I keep reading your site posts and crying and crying. There is so much good in me, I know there is, I just wish I knew how to properly re-engage in the world. Where do I belong? How do I get a job I can manage while I heal? How do I find a healthy relationship? How do I even know what a healthy man is? I’ve repeated my attraction to abuse in two relationships now and just left the last one a month ago. I’m feeling lonely and abandoned but abandoning myself by isolating is not helping things! Would I take care of a child this way? Shutting her in her bedroom with the curtains drawn and no food and no attention? Wow, it’s a good perspective to take, I would NEVER want to treat a child this way – why do I do it to myself?
Thanks for reading. I really do love this post, think I’ll read it in the morning, too.
Amy

By: JackB

JackB — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 04:40:25 +0000

Thank you Christina. I have been really nervous about sharing my writings, and I haven’t even got past age eleven. A lot more occurred when I was a teenager, and it’s even harder to write about because I feel like I should have been able to protect myself when I got older, but I was always so scared and frozen. Plus, I became an addict starting when I was about twelve, and I was almost always too drunk or high to protect myself. I am really trying to be less ashamed, and it really, really helps to have other survivors read it and not blame me for what happened. It also helps reading the stories on this blog and realizing that, if I have compassion for you ladies and what you have been through, shouldn’t I have compassion for myself too? I appreciate you reading it and I am glad you don’t think I am dirty for it.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 04:29:12 +0000

JackB,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s heartbreaking! I’m so sorry for what they did to you. You’re absolutely right that you aren’t dirty for what happened to you, though I understand feeling that way. I felt dirty all my life until I got to the root of those feelings and learned the truth. I’m really glad you’re opening up. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of.
Christina

By: JackB

JackB — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 05:56:47 +0000

Thank you for sharing this.

I was told a lot of different things about why I was abused by my abusers. I was told that it happened because I wanted it. I was told that I was being punished by God. A lot of things that have really screwed my head up. I always thought that it happened because I am a bad person.

I think I want to share my blog if someone wants to read it. It’s pretty triggering and graphic, so if anyone bothers to read it be forewarned. I am just trying to be brave by putting it out there, because I really feel dirty for what happened and I am trying to be open and tell myself that it isn’t me that is dirty, it’s the people who hurt me.

http://jackb-memories.blogspot.com/

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 19:27:34 +0000

Hi Trish,
Welcome to OSA! I’m glad you found us and that it’s resonating with you. It’s great to find fellow truth-lover!
Hugs, Christina

By: Trish Brinkley

Trish Brinkley — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 19:22:28 +0000

Thank you Christina for this website! I “stumbled” across it in my search for info relating to self sabotaging behaviors.. So much of what I’ve read around your site resonates within the depths of my being. I, too love Truth. I have been on a quest for it since I can remember. God has been quite compassionate toward me and has seen fit to open my eyes to Truth in so many areas and now He’s taking me deeper in my journey with Truth by revealing lies that I’ve believed about myself for 55yrs. and replacing the lies with truth. Thank you again for the part OSA has already played in my journey and I look forward to continued work with OSA.
Trish
Jn 8:32

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 05:43:39 +0000

Ellen,
I’m glad this struck a chord with you and that you know you’re not alone. I know what it’s like to have a mother who doesn’t believe you. I’m sorry you experienced that.

We’ll never know how our lives would have been different had the abuse not happened, but we can know a brighter future that healing brings.
Hugs, Christina

Vicki,
It’s so painful when other’s invalidate our experience by assigning some “higher purpose” to something so horrific. That elevates the abuse to a place of honor and that disgusts me. I’m sorry that happened to you, too.
Hugs, Christina

By: Vicki

Vicki — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 18:19:53 +0000

All that stuff you said about people believing there’s some bigger reason for it is everything we’ve been hearing since my daughter’s dad was brutally murdered on September 11, 2001.
And it wasn’t until 9 freakin’ years later that I even found someone, who was also a direct victim of what happened that day (he was burned over 80% of his body by a fireball; he worked as a broker in Tower 1 and he was set on fire from the waist up), he told me people that say ‘It happened for a reason’ are full of shit and guaranteed he’d tell them that to their face. He’s a native New Yorker. He doesn’t mince words.
Until I met him, I had no idea I was even right to feel what I felt. Everyone around me kept telling me I was ‘weak in character’ for not being able to find some divine reason for the craziness that occurred that day and, to this moment, continues to effect our lives. For one thing, the media NEVER lets it rest. Every two days you get a report of new information or added knowledge. How people expect us to have stabilized feelings in a situation where 9/10 of the information is a lie or cover-up is way beyond my ability to decipher.
That’s not about sexual abuse, but it’s what the passage reminded me of after I read it.
And I didn’t start feeling even a LITTLE better until Robb, the guy who was trapped in Tower 1 that day, told me to stop listening to fools who don’t have a bleeping clue what the hell they’re talking about.
And, even then, I felt like I was being ‘difficult or stubborn.’
B/c that’s what most of the people I live around call me whenever I don’t just lie down and believe everything they say.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 15:36:45 +0000

I am amazed to hear this…my big struggle is always why and why me? My grandfather was the perpetrator with me. I too deal with the “what if” in my life. I never married (and I am 51) and didn’t really seek help until I was almost 40 because I had tried earlier by telling my mom about the abuse and she denied that it happened. So I lived with this giant secret (that actually others knew about) for 40 years….and I do often wonder what I might have been, how my life might have been different. Don’t get me wrong I am happy and have a son and am gainfully employed (ha ha, I am a nurse) and I have a wonderful life. But stumbling upon your commentary really struck a cord with me. I appreciate your dealing with the cliches and addressing the reality. And as usual, it helps to know I am not alone in this thing called childhood sexual abuse! Thanks!
Ellen