Thank you so much for your encouragement. I am glad this blog spoke to you and you understand how important it is to have balance. Even the slightest joy of a good memory overshadows the bad ones. It was hard for me to believe I had any good memories but I am glad I found some.

Thanks again, blessings and Christmas wishes to you as well, Patty

This post was amazing, it really was just what I needed! Finding that balance has been a struggle – the good needs a little place to shine in the mire of other stuff as I heal. It’s been so strange finding those nuggets and instead of justifying them I’m trying to embrace them. There was some laughter, there were some beautiful times, there was some places of straight out joy. I want to accept them just as they are, without the dark brackets that have always seemed to diminish or isolate them.

I’m glad you are going home, and that you found that happy place. I’m hoping one day to share my happy place, but I’m afraid it is ruined now. We’ll see – have to decide what to do about the people who are still there.

Bright blessings and Merry Christmas!
Shanyn

I understand how you feel. It does get so tiresome at times. There has been many times when I had to take a break. No reading about abuse, no talking about it. I just needed me time. Time to reflect and find some joy. It was these times that I read novels, watched black and white movies, went for walks in the park. Anything to stop thinking about it. We need US time. We are in a battle of finding the truth, accepting that truth, getting rid of the false beliefs, finding our emotions, finding our how to use our emotions…… geeeesh. I am wore out just writing about it. lol. Take time for yourself and know that you are worth it and deserve it. Then when you feel stronger and refreshed….. get back to healing. Thanks for sharing, and I understand. You are not alone. (((hug)))

I really just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up and be a hundred million miles from all this that I am facing. Trying to find reasons to laugh or be social is getting harder these days but I keep going forward hoping to work through this and finally be able to move forward instead of being stuck in a battle that I had did not start. Though I have had some major break thrus the past two years and that is good. I am just tired and worn out over many things though that for some reason it is more difficult for me to work through.

I’m so sorry for the things you went thru. Abuse is bad enough, but when we do finally expose it, to be punished by our family is a terrible thing to go thru. I hid the truth about seeing my dad with my sister and because of that, I hid my own abuse. It was when I started talking about it, that the real turmoil started. My family is not cruel to me, but they don’t understand why I can’t forgive and forget. They remind me of how much my dad cared about us because he supported us. Blahhhhhh. Although it is hard at times, I wouldn’t change exposing what happened. Even at the cost of losing my family. If they aren’t concerned for my welfare and they won’t take up the offense of what happened to their sister, then is that really “family?” I think it’s sad, that we find more comfort in strangers, (survivors and friends who were once strangers) than to get comfort and understanding from our families.

Thank you again for sharing, and you are free to vent anytime you want. It makes me feel better!!! ((hug)))

I’m now re-healing a lot of wounds that I thought had been healed, but the trigger of, in some sense finding him in bed with another child (since this was one of my greatest fears) has affected me greatly.

My non-silence has also caused me to lose the very sister I was protecting all along, as she is angry at me for the way I’ve reacted to this second generation of child-rape by my stepfather (she has known about my abuse for at least 17 years)… Also, my grandparents/the stepfather’s parents cannot deal with me anymore, and the only way I can have a relationship with them (and by extension, pretty much my entire family) is to either apologize for being NON-Silent, justify myself for not forgiving and forgetting, etc. But, of course, there is no way I can explain what is happening to me when I feel rejected and despised and dirty, and what I really need is acceptance and love.

I’ve also lost my mother who decided to (among other shady moves that I kept forgiving) try to use my abuse as a pawn in her game to blackmail the step-dad’s parents for a large sum of money (about 10 years ago). Once this incident happened, I had to cut her off for my own good.

Thank you, Patty, for this entry. I guess I needed to vent…

Thank you. I know exactly how you feel with your children and I understand the hurt you must feel. I seem to remember things about my children when another parent says their child did this or that and all of a sudden I am reminded of doing the same thing with my kids. I treasure those moments when I remember. I want to believe that it’s in me and just needs to be stirred up.

Scuba diving has never been anything I wanted to do, but if it brings you peace and comfort I hope you are able to do it as much as you possibly can. It’ so important to nurture US.

Thank you for your encouraging words and I agree…….. we are one heck of a group of people. ((( hugs)) Patty

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am the same way, I remember so little from my childhood and barely remember much from my children’s early years too…they tell me stories and are asking me “remember when (this that or the other) happened mom???” and I have no idea what they are talking about, and tnen they say “you (said/did whatever) and it was really funny/good/smart/silly” and I feel sad that they made such a great memory with me, and I cant share it with them, because I dont remember being there. I can only imagine how it must feel to know your “safe place” was a real place with real memories and real positive feelings attached to it. I dont remember a place like that, well I guess the ociean might be it, scuba diving is the only time I felt safe and I was not afraid…and that seems rather amazing given that there are a myriad of dangers associated with scuba diving and the ocean and sharks and whatever, that I never was afraid of….but Im afraid of things that other people would never fear in a million years, because I have negative associations with them.

Its really true, our journey to healing is so individual, yet its so similar too. I am amazed every day at the number of strong capable men and women I meet through this journey and search for healing and balance, we are one heck of a group of people Thank you Patty, Im glad you are here!

Thank you. I think I have filtered thru all the bad times. I have always been able to remember them and I am not afraid of them any more. I know that the more I face, the more I heal and become all of who I am suppose to be. But, it’s overwhelming to find the good times, because I convinced myself that there were no good times. Now that is scary to me.

And thank you for mentioning support. I have healthy wonderful close family members and friends and that is so important to me. I’ve had to weed thru a few before I found these, and I intend to keep them.

thank you for your support also. Patty

I hope it does bring back the good times. I hope it doesn’t bring back many bad memories and if it does that you have the support to cope with them.