Comments on: What If My Family Rejects Me? Part 3

By: Maria

Maria — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 06:07:14 +0000

Mary I hear you as my situation is similar – both parents go to church Sundays and by all appearances are good caring nice people in fact high standing in their religious community. This has been the most confusing part and still for me – yet when it comes to the crunch my daughter & I are on our own truly in the world they abolish me anyway for voicing, I would say I have been long since struck off the will, they do not help in times of true crisis I even go to a refuge rather than there not that they would have offered. The prefer the picture to stay sitting where it looks good for them how they can go to church as they do yet at home have done horrible disgusting things which they say I imagined. They then do it to us again by their denial preferring us to stay in a state of self damaging behaviours killing ourselves rather than release us from the pain & confusion created by their selfish actions & years of mind conditioning to our vulnerable minds can they not see we loved them so much we would have even forgiven their wrongs but we realise that no they would rather we just disappeared than have to face a moment of self truth. To then also loose siblings is heartbreaking I am feeling like you so hurt I also did so much when my sister was sick yet they won’t even talk to me they are willingly going along with the ‘picture’ created years ago – they probably even pray for me now how sick is that. – no doubt it eases their conscience somehow. I have also laid down all the truths and the hurts caused in writing to my family and no response just nothing of course I know they hate me now and not for lying or imaging but for the truth that is what they hate that fact that it is true. I could be there too if I sacrificed my own true self and accepted their own created illusion of family and I can’t do that you see so that does make us survivors I guess. So you are right it was always an illusion and once we accept that we are free then to move on it never was anyway and a part of us always knew that so here’s to all of us as we are now free to experience something that they cannot and that is real love which we will recongnise & treasure we will treat with all the care that true love deserves – we can breathe out this they cannot do as we are on solid ground and they are not.

By: mary

mary — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 14:43:54 +0000

They don’t want to know me, that would mean they would see me as a good person and would have do admit they are wrong. Sociopath’s don’t apologizing for anything. Being left off the will and my siblings lining up onside with my parents wishes like their evil little minions was the best thing that ever happened to me. At first it hurt like hell, I kept waiting for one of my siblings to come forward and say I got a raw deal in this life, not one, not even the professed christian sister who tours the world helping people in need. Funny, when I was bedridden sick, close to death for a long period I don’t remember her offering me help, not even a food basket or help with housekeeping. She did come over however when she had a problem she needed to talk about. She would call me with her memories, nightmares, and I tried to help her sort it out, how could she not know how I felt? How could she abandon me too? Then I realized she deserted her kids for her religion, day and night wrapped up in her need to help others, she neglected her own family.
It wasn’t about me being bad, they are bad. All of them! Things they said and did I don’t have that in me, TG!
I could never betray or lie like them. I am different, I am separate and apart and always have been. My reading all day in my room when I was small was my escape, running away as a teen was a loud cry for truth. Moving far away was about trying to live on my terms and not be bastardized anymore, I couldn’t take it.
I am done longing for something that doesn’t exist, an unselfish, caring family. That was just an illusion, what I see in my mirror is real! I see a child of God. She got lost for along time, but now, because of the final cut throat meanness, I give myself permission to divorce myself from them completely so I can continue on and live life. The more time goes on the freer I feel. I wrote a letter that told them what they are, they won’t be trying to contact any time soon. That was the only time I got mean. I meant to. I want them away from me for good.
Amazing how much has opened up for me since. I don’t feel like I’m just dragging around, I have a lift to my step, I look forward to getting up in the morning and looking for the possibilities a new day brings. My relationship with my children is mending, they have seen through the illusions the lies my family filled them with. Being left of the will brought it home to them loud and clear, They see me in a different light, not the ones my parents shown on me for so long. I am able to be and I am happy and they see that. It is helping them to become free and reassess relationships around them and question what is healthy or not.
I’ve stepped free of the black cloud and have not just the desire but also the drive to get on with it, greet the day. I have been in the prison to long and now the door is open to possibilities. I don’t have to be in pain or explain or justify, those things you do when you are trying to let abusers off the hook, or trying to get them to understand you or minimizing like they do for the sake of “family”! Now it is my time and for my sake and my husband sake and my children and grandchildren’s sake. I want to be as strong as I can be so I can “be” and not let anyone suck the energy out of me again! No one deserves that and no one should put up with that not from anyone, you deserve better! You deserve to live life happily and whole.

By: Maria

Maria — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 13:17:00 +0000

Thank you so much for this information as I have just gone through this rejection yet again from my family with my mother central in control & abusing her position of power within the family. my mother will never forgive my disclosure & although low level no contact the memory recall of this to me came as a verification of the deeper emotional abuse via threat of loosing family being physically thrown out hurt bad at age 5 by my father with my mother not trying to stop this…..that has run along my whole life with her in denial of that these things even happened much less acknowledge damage to me & still using threat of no family to stop voice. So remembering this sexual abuse came at the right time as it represents a pattern of treatment of a person (me) that is often hard to put into words until they do something physical or sexual then we have a clear match – it is abuse & they are wrong not us.. Reading this information helped give me the courage to not go out without a clear message to remainder family who I guess I still hold out hope for that all or one of them will understand although I also have come to the thought that they really do not define me but yes the face of reality is not welcome it does hurt. So I complied a clear list of the wrongs done to me and the effect on me of each wrong keeping it clear & factual …..but I know it will still get me at times as even if they do know my hurts they won’t want to be where I am so Christmas etc will be hard. It is unfair that we suffer abuse cause of their problem then we suffer again for saving ourselves from where they put us by having us rejected by the whole family in some cases such as myn. But it has made a huge difference reading this information & there is future happiness to come as I can now move forward as I am not how they define me. Also I’ve always felt I was on my own anyway so now that I know I am I’m not wasting my time on pretenses anymore it feels good – solid ground. A family that can be taken is not a family anyway.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 15:03:08 +0000

Erica,
I agree with you that your niece is not safe around your stepdad. It’s awful that her mom doesn’t see the dangers. She is very, very mistaken that child molesters aren’t a threat once they “come to know Christ”, as that’s some instant cure for anything.

No matter what happens to your niece, your stepfather is the one who is to blame. Trying to cope through the effects of what he did to you in no way makes you responsible for his behavior. By your family supporting the abuser, they are failing your niece just as they failed you. You are both victims of a sick system, not the perpetrators of it.
Christina

By: Erica

Erica — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 22:49:48 +0000

I am so so glad I stumbled upon this site.

I was physically abused by my biological father, abandoned by him, then sexually abused by my stepfather. After telling my mother what my stepfather was doing to me, I discovered her comforting HIM, not ME. He fully admitted what he had done and instead of protecting me, her 8 year old daughter, she protected him, herself, and their dignity. She remains married to him still.

Now at 32, with two young children, I’m faced with the fact that I must ‘divorce’ from my family. I have been stuck living with guilt and shame and just the overall sense that I needed to “keep the peace” to be happy. I told my older brother and sister-in-law about the abuse many years ago and my mother reconfirmed it to them within the past two years. My brother, at first, completely shut me and my mother out of his life. My sister in law was the one who respected what had happened and tried very hard to help me work through it. She has always been a faithful Christian and tried to help by offering her thoughts on forgiveness. They had a daughter, who by now at 5, has become very close with my children. Suddenly though, my sister in law is the one pushing for my stepfather to be a part of their lives! She blatantly said to me “I want my daughter to know him.”

WHAT???!!!!?!! You want your 5 year old daughter to befriend and know a child molester? Hmm.

I told my mother that he will have no part in my children’s lives and she respected my choice. My brother and sister in law respected that too, until now. The worst part yet, is that we will make plans to get together for holidays, etc, and neither my mother, my brother, nor my sister in law will tell me that they have also invited my stepfather. You know who tells me? HE DOES! He will call my phone from a number I don’t recognize and let me know that he is going to be at the gathering.

I completely resonate with DeAnn when she said “Why should I have to miss out on that because of what he did? I get that if they want to visit him that is their choice and I am powerless over that. I don’t like it or understand it but it is their choice to make. So be it. All I want is for them to give me that same respect. Does this sound unreasonable??”

I am shocked and dismayed and in fear for my niece’s safety. I know I am not his only victim, his own son from a previous marriage came out with reports of abuse. According to my mother and sister in law, my stepfather is no longer a threat in that way because he came to know Christ. I love God, I follow Jesus Christ with all of my heart, and I have forgiven my stepfather but I still do not want him a part of my life nor do I want my children or my niece around him. In a diminished way, I liken it to putting a reformed alcoholic in a bar, repeatedly. I hope with all of my heart that my niece is safe. What choices do I have to protect her when I just ‘went with the flow’ all of these years? I feel like because I pretended like it wasn’t a big deal (even through multiple eating disorders, alcoholism and drugs at age 16) that they feel like is wasn’t a ‘big deal’, that I’m being ridiculous and that their daughter is perfectly safe. My sister in law even sent my niece on a fishing trip with just my brother and stepfather around. A remote area, a child molester and a 5 year old girl, and opportunities for her dad to not be around? Seriously???!!!

What can I do to prevent another beautiful life from being ripped apart by sexual abuse when my family rejects the fact that it happened?

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:31:33 +0000

Dierdre,
It’s so painful to face the ways our parents let us down and their abandonment, both in the past and present. I’ve found that the biggest and most common hindrance to moving forward in the healing process is being afraid of facing the failures of our parents. It’s a frightening thing to face for so many reasons. So good for you for facing that and standing up for YOU! That’s really wonderful!
Christina

By: deirdre burnside

deirdre burnside — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:52:45 +0000

I have been reading your blogs and working through the tough familial stuff this past week. I was abused sexually (by strangers/neighbors) several times in my childhood and have been very clear about that in my mind. I have just never really let myself “feel” it. Something that is coming up Hard for me at this time however is my relationship with my mother. I originally was silent about the first rape, but because the second abuser lived across the street from my childhood home he was stalking me to and from school and I was very afraid. I, at 13, finally disclosed this to my mother tearfully & she seemed very concerned. She knocked on his door and told him that she was going to call the police if he didn’t move out of that house. And he did. I never received any counseling & mom & I never talked about it again. Life was busy and I just moved on. Later in life, while pregnant I discovered that this abuser was living across the street from my father and stepmother. I was an emotional wreck and confided in the both of them. I was 38 & had met & married a man I trusted & finally could wrap my brain around becoming a mother. I had never before wanted children because of my abuses. Why bring another innocent child into this horrible world?! My dad confronted this man very angrily and came to my defense. Mom, by the way never told him about any of my abuses. He was an active alcoholic when I was a kid and mom didn’t want to rock the boat. Nor did she report the second one. My dad convinced me that the rape occurred too long ago to press charges and advised me to get on with my life and immerse myself in becoming a mother. Which I did. I wrote in my journal and talked with my supportive husband and once again moved forward. Of course, now that my life is settled down I am now faced with finally dealing with those abuses. As I read & come to terms with my past I have come up against my mother & am super angry and confounded. The feeling that I am left with is violation by her own hand. Not sexual but emotional. She is angry at me for being open about my sexual abuse. She wants me to keep it private with a therapist and not share OSA blogs. I want nothing more than to say all of this out loud because I feel that no one truly knows me or understands me. The people in my life have no idea who I really am. Not that I am souly defined by the abuses, but that is part of what helped to shape me. I have been introverted and timid most of my life but over the years I have blossomed and now can speak up. I literally have found my voice after years of panic attacks and swallowing issues. My throat chakra and solar plexis chakras gave me hell for the better part of my life. Anyway, I have chosen to speak up for myself and my mother and I are no longer talking. I feel great relief. The feeling I am left with is that she was very verbally, physically and emotionally abusive to me and my twin brothers as children. Neither of my brothers speaks to her anymore. She seems super pissed that I am speaking out now. The old me would back down, because I would never have dreamt of hurting her before…. The new me is like “No!” I need to get this shit out now. I need to move on. I still have panic attacks of choking in my sleep & I would like to be free of them. It is my abuse coming out at night. I really feel like this is all attached to my mother controlling me. She was always so good at manipulating me. I would have walked on the moon for her. I really believe that she is my problem and I am just now discovering that. She doesn’t want anyone to witness what a serious fuck up of a mother she was. The neglect by both parents scared me and my brothers. I find talking to others about childhoods difficult because nobody can relate to what I am saying. Nobody can wrap their brains around a mother like mine. So, then I feel so misunderstood. Like I’m bashing my mother. I am no longer talking with my father because one of his stepsons grabbed my boobs as I was saying goodbye at a Fathers Day lunch at dad’s house. I don’t feel safe in his house & I won’t take my daughter over there for the same reason. So, basically I have had to divorce my parents over the past couple of years. Any support is welcome at this point. I have ordered several books that your site recommends and am ready to fight the fight and dump the baggage. The mother issue has me in pain. She clearly has issues from her childhood, but has told me to “grow up and get over it” while pathetically nursing her own wounds. I think the silence is killing her and it would kill me if I stayed silent.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 02:37:32 +0000

Hi DeAnn,
Welcome to OSA! Abuse in families is so hard because the loss runs so deep and often continues for a lifetime even after the abuse stops. I’ve had to make similar choices and they aren’t ever easy because I don’t like either option since both involve loss. The thing that makes things easier for me is to remind myself that even though I don’t have power over others (and it seems as though they are the only ones who have the power to make things easier for me), I do have power. I ask myself what other options I have. If they do this, what can I do? Others may not respect my power to choose how I feel or what I do, but I respect my power to chose and use my power to find alternative options.
Christina

By: DeAnn

DeAnn — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 03:14:17 +0000

Hi everyone, I am new to this site but certainly not new to this journey. This particular post about family rejection struck a chord because of something I will be facing in the next couple of months. My family did not really reject me but they have chosen to stay connected with our father – my abuser. When I first came out about the abuse they all rallied behind me 100 % and cut off ties with him-for a little while. My mother and I were close but she passed away about a year before I spoke out about the abuse. I choose to believe she didn’t know. Maybe she did but she’s gone so that doesn’t really matter. In coming out about the abuse it was also revealed that he had abused my older sister. He actually had sex with her on a regular basis. With me there were only a few instances that I remember and they didn’t involve actual intercourse. I have been through years of therapy(still go), eating disorder, psych ward, depression and have a chronic illness that could very well stem from the PTSD. I confronted my father years ago in a therapists office. He called me a liar. Said his new wife and his reputation were more important than me and he didn’t need the “help” I was asking him to get. That was pretty much the end of our contact with each other. After a while he and his wife moved away to Florida. I live in OK. That was fine with me. Well in the past couple of years my step-mother has passed away too. About a year ago my oldest brother decided to move my father to a nursing home close to him. My brother lives in IL as does my sister. My other brother in OH. About the only time my siblings and I are all together is Christmas. We alternate houses except it is never at mine because I don’t have one and am single. This year Christmas is at my oldest brother’s house. For the first time since they moved my father there. I love my siblings very much and always look forward to us being together. I am afraid though that a fight could happen and it wouldn’t be the first one. They think I need to forgive and move on because whatever he did he is still our father. I however think that I have moved on and that forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to have any kind of relationship with him. I am the youngest and they grew used to me being a follower. When it comes to him though I haven’t followed. I have never backed down. I have refused to talk to him when he used to call us at Christmas. They don’t understand this especially since my sister continues to talk to him. My sister however has NEVER dealt with it really. She is very overweight, doesn’t treat her husband very well and doesn’t really like to have sex (she told me that years ago). We don’t talk about the abuse anymore. It has been swept under the rug. I am worried that they will all want to go visit him when we are together at Christmas and that they will not respect my decision to decline. Some people say just skip going there for Christmas this year but I don’t want to do that because this is the only time I see all my nieces and nephews and my siblings all together. Why should I have to miss out on that because of what he did? I get that if they want to visit him that is their choice and I am powerless over that. I don’t like it or understand it but it is their choice to make. So be it. All I want is for them to give me that same respect. Does this sound unreasonable?? Sorry this is so long but I am really in a turmoil over this.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 16:32:05 +0000

Cassandra,
I’m so sorry for all the abuse you lived with, but I’m so glad you’re free of it now. You’re so right that there are children whose hearts are being broken right now and those who are being cherished and adored. I’ve had to rescue the little girl in me whose heart was broken and give her the cherised treatment she deserved all along. We may not have gotten it earlier, but we can have it now!
Christina