Comments on: Dating After Sexual Abuse: Is This Love?

By: Albert Wesker

Albert Wesker — Sat, 22 Sep 2012 09:44:18 +0000

Hello Bethany,
I am sorry to hear about your experiences. I hope that your life is much more positive now, filled with happiness and healing. I wanted to ask for advice from you, and anyone else who can contribute. I am a single man trying to date and get into a relationship with a woman that I suspect has suffered from a past relationship with someone that sounds like the guy you had dated after you trauma. She seems to be interested, by very hesitant, and I would like some advice on how to romantically approach her? Because she seems hesitant, I don’t want to come on too strong but I also want her to know that I am romantically interested in her, yet I can give her time and space if she needs it. Any advice? Thank you for your time.

By: Overcoming Sexual Abuse: My Healing or My Marriage? - Overcoming Sexual Abuse

Overcoming Sexual Abuse: My Healing or My Marriage? - Overcoming Sexual Abuse — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 15:36:10 +0000

[...] Posts: My Sexual Abuse Invaded My Marriage Dating After Sexual Abuse: Is This Love? Do Kids Miss Out While Parents [...]

By: Vicki

Vicki — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:22:39 +0000

I know the feeling of not have a mom for support. Twice.
Everyone told me that having a biological mom and one who adopted me meant I was lucky b/c I have two moms and I thought Lucky HOW? To try out for a part on Jersey Shore?
I don’t see what good it does to have 15 moms if none have the capacity to deal w/ emotional issues. And, in one case, didn’t even have the ability to take care of the basic needs…which is why I ended up w/ a second mom in the first place.

My biological mother raised the idea of “ignoring your child” to an art form. She could literally ignore someone who was standing in front of her w/ blood running down her face.
And when I say literally, I mean, if you were an outsider observing the scene, it would look like my mom had no idea there was even a person standing there.
Another reason I became an EMT was that I was afraid the characteristic would be genetic, and I wanted to have a job where I’d be FORCED to act. Just in case it WAS genetic.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 01:44:36 +0000

Vicki,
LOL!!! I love that: “And if I’d known you were going to be such a jerk, I never would have dated you.” Perfect!!!

By: Bethany Ruck

Bethany Ruck — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 18:24:50 +0000

Yes, Vicki, no matter how much schooling someone has had it doesn’t mean they are sensative to the hurts of others.

By: Vicki

Vicki — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 00:03:14 +0000

I date a guy who DID have a Ph.D., but it sure as hell wasn’t for understanding THAT problem. He could create new molecular structures that would one day provide medicine for patients suffering from heart disease, but he had no idea how to act around a rape victim-especially when the victim in question seemed to never be able to get comfortable w/ certain things.
I’d have wanted to tell that guy you dated, “And if I’d known you were going to be such a jerk, I never would have dated you.”

By: Bethany Ruck

Bethany Ruck — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 14:57:35 +0000

Jim, thank you for sharing from a male perspective. I’m sorry that you got that reaction when you remembered your abuse, but happy that things have improved for you.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 14:37:06 +0000

Jim,
Wow, your statement, “and her tone said to me that “tell” her really meant “warn” her.” That is so true!

It’s so sad, but men suffer the same lack of support that women do and in some ways, it’s often worse. Women frequently feel threatened to imagine their partner, often seen as their protector, as a victim. And the healing process requires a kind of ‘falling apart’ that can be scary to see your husband go through.

I’m glad you’re getting some support from your wife now. Something that helped my husband to be supportive of my process is that he read several healing books that mapped out the journey. Part of what made him so uncomfortable was not knowing what to expect and since I was in the middle of hell at the time, I couldn’t help him. Hearing things from an outside source helped him make sense of things.

Thank you so much for sharing. It’s really good to have a man’s perspective about these things.

Christina

By: Jim R

Jim R — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 12:22:52 +0000

Men can suffer the same lack of support.

I could tell a similar story, only my memories were repressed and didn’t come up until a little over 10 years after we were married. I got, “why didn’t you tell me before we were married?” The context, my insecurities, and her tone said to me that “tell” her really meant “warn” her. We stayed married.

I went through a round of depression, moved out, and mentally was leaving the marriage. I was angry at her and the world and really just wanted to die, literally. She was supportive in what she understood of what was going on… but there were/are limits to what she can understand or support.

So, now at over 30 years of marriage, we have a ‘balance’ that we live with; my ‘quirks’, her ‘quirks’, and life outside.

By: Patty Hite

Patty Hite — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 23:45:37 +0000

Bethany,

I can so relate to this. Most of my adult life was looking for love, instead of allowing love to find me.

I’m so proud of your strength and willpower to know that you deserve to be loved by someone who loves every ounce of you and is willing to love you in spite of what happened and feels honored to be trusted enough to hear your story. Someone who will support you thru those times when you need a hug, a cheer or you need to be alone.

You are an inspiration to me and I know to others. Thanks so much for sharing your most intimate times.

(((( hug)))) Always