Comments on: What If My Family Rejects Me? Part 2

By: Julie

Julie — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 13:06:39 +0000

I have not been sexually abused, but have been emotionally abused by my mother. SInce I could never get my mother to apologize or admit it, I have,for several years, begun to recollect the role my father played in just allowing the abuse to happen. Upon confronting my father several months ago, he denied his role of responsibility, denied what I said was true, and in addition, called me crazy. I have not been able to get over his denial, and have been suffering with a seething hatred that has caused me to create horrible arguments with my father. I went to my younger sister to ask for a supportive ear, as she always understands my view points and is compassionate. But this time she sided with my Father. I felt betrayed by her. It was the first fight I have ever had with her in my whole life! All of this is happening because my Father refuses to apologize to me. All I am trying to do is resolve the past so that I can move on, but my Father just won’t let it happen. I’ve been journaling everyday to try to figure out ways to heal and move on. My sister’s response was actually more devastating to me than my Father’s, so it jolted me into practicing meditation in order to find peace! What is eye-opening to me, in reading these stories, is how much the invalidation of those we depend on for help can hurt so much and bring back the original pain and make it alive again. I like how Darlene said, “sometime you want to fight like a wild cat to prove the truth”. I fought like hell to prove the truth, but this fighting brought me into hell itself. And that was a wake-up call.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 12:31:44 +0000

Libby,
That’s so invalidating to be told to get over it or to move on, especially when it’s communicated with disgust. That kind of reaction just adds more pain. I’m glad you have other supportive people in your life.
Christina

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 12:27:09 +0000

Dawn,
I’m so sorry you were treated that way by your family. What a terrible way to try to manipulate and control you–and at the expense of truth and two innocent little girls (you and your niece). It’s not easy to stand up for truth when you’re threatened with rejection, but good for you for supporting your niece.
Christina

By: Dawn

Dawn — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 10:47:33 +0000

My story is long and complex. From the time that I was born my mother rejected me. My father had flaws, but he loved me and my brother. My mother had an affair with a marrid man, divorced my father and remarried the man, my eventual abuser. During my childhood, I moved alot, but I had my mother’s family that I cherished with Grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles in a city that I visited yearly. My mother and step-father had 3 more sons, who my mother embraced. When I was 9 my step-father started saying inappropriate things to me. When I was 11 he started coming into my room at nights. The abuse was limited to touching, He tried to get into bed with me a couple of times, but I fought him, I did not tell my mother about this abuse at the time.
I became an adult, married and had children. During my early adult years I continued visiting my mother’s family and loved the large extended family. When I was 40, my husband’s job moved the family across the country to the city where my mother’s family lived. I had a rocky relationship with my mother who lived on the opposite coast, but I tried to maintain a relationship always yearning for the love of a mother.
My natural brother had children. Once a few years ago, I brought his daughter to visit my mother and half-brother’s family. I had warned my step-father to stay away from her and thought I could keep her safe. However, my half-brother got drunk and mollested her. I did not see him do anything, but I walked into where she was sleeping and found him there in the middle of the night. She told me that he had touched her and at first I tried to cover for him. I told her that he was drunk and confused.
After this incident, I began having dreams of guilt about the other potential victims that my step-father may have had (he was a teacher and principal). My mother came to visit her family and I decided to tell her about my step-father. She didn’t believe me and rejected me once again. She told my grandmother, who I adore. My grandmother approached me and said if I would apologize for what I said about my step-father, my mother could forgive me. I excused my grandmother, because of her age and vulnerability to my mother’s manipulation.. About 6 months after I told my mother, my niece told my brother. He decided to press charges against my half-brother and I spoke up and agreed to testify to what I knew.
My mother has been evil in this. She disowned us, cut us out of her substantial will, tried to bribe my brother to drop the charges, had my children followed by private investigators. She believes that somehow I manipulated my niece (11) into lying about my brother as a plot to destroy her for not believing me about my step-father. She again brought my grandmother (matriarch of the family) into the conversation. My brother, niece, and I have been disowned by the family that I had been so excited about being closer too. I feel sad and abused all over again. I also feel guilt about my niece. What my grandmother says goes and all of the members of the family have taken the stance that my half-brother (mollester) is the victim. Should I just resign myself to not being part of this family any more?

By: Libby

Libby — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:13:20 +0000

I just re-read this post. Earlier today I was talking with myhusband about my step-son – his son. Pror to my memories returning Ihad a close relationship with this young man. He has suffered from an emotionalyl abusive natural mother, he has also experienced bullying and harrassment at work. I (we) have supported him and helped him through those tough times, and helped him to get back on his feet. Since I have been going throuhg my own dark times, he has expressed disgust and he wishes that I would just shut up and get over it. Its not as though this is my only topic of conversation – I am a private person, and I only discuss details in my therapy sessions – so actually he “knows” very little. But he is clearly very threatened by my falling apart.
I am so sad that he has so little insight and compassion, and I do feel let down by him. I feel that I deserve to be treated better – especially by him. I have nothing to be ashamed of – nothing that I need to hide, nothing to be embarrassed or apologetic for.
As to the rest of my family – well, really, there aren’t any. I have a family of choice, and they are fabulous

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 03:16:14 +0000

Cassandra,
That’s such a powerfully true statement, “I am the face of reality. That’s why they don’t want me there.” Thank you for sharing.
Christina

Amanda,
The pain of family rejection is SO bad and as bad as it is, it’s a wound that can be healed. I think you’re stronger and braver than you think you are. You can get through this.
Christina

By: amanda

amanda — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 02:31:38 +0000

the same thing has happened to me. tho i never went thru court as was far too controlled and afraid of my family.
the pain is indescribable.
abuse is bad enough but the pain from your own family turning against you. that just makes it almost unbearable.
well done getting through this and being so strong.
i hope i can be as strong as you.

By: Cassandra

Cassandra — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 23:06:23 +0000

Susan, I’ve had the same experience. I had a cousin choose to invite the person who abused me to her wedding. He is her uncle, who she had NO relationship with. She and I had a close relationship.
Here is how I understand this…
These relatives are not choosing the abuser over me, they are choosing to pretend that the abuse did not happen, because it is horrible and it is in their family. The abuser will go along, he will come to the party (or wedding, or Thanksgiving) and pretend that he never molested a child in their family. Everyone pretends. If I were to “forgive” and pretend it never happened, I could go, too.
But I don’t. I said it happened, I said it’s wrong and I’m not backing down. I am the face of reality. That’s why they don’t want me there. They don’t want evidence that there is a child rapist in their family. I’m the evidence.

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 16:48:12 +0000

Susan,
I know that kind of betrayal is hard to accept and it’s incredibly painful. When I realized that my family made their choice and the choice was to keep loving my daughter’s and my abuser, I had to accept that it was their right to make that choice. I didn’t agree that it was the right thing to do, but I had to accept that they weren’t going to change their minds. So then I had to choose what I was going to do. It was hard, but it was freeing too. I finally acknowleged where I stood with them. I wasn’t the priority to them that they were to me. But I never had been a priority to them and there was some comfort in seeing that I was free to build relationships with people who would truly love me instead of what I’d been settling for all those years. It was a change, but it was a good change.
Hugs, Christina

By: Susan

Susan — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 02:26:20 +0000

Yes Christina. I did read the 3rd part of the series. But it still did not confront tthe issue I face with my family. Even though they know what I went through, they continue to have a relationship with my father (the abuser) and my mother (who always knew). This has devasted me for 10 years (ever since I told them). I am treated like this is my own “personal” problem, while they all whoop it up and get on with their lives. I am sure that my brothers would feel much differently if it were one of their own children (instead of their sister, me, who was sexualy abused for many years) and if I were the one picking and choosing whether I should invite them over or their own child’s sexual abuser.