for a lot of years I had not remembered my childhood. it only through counselling at my age now 41, that I have discovered why I was so angry as a teenager and was put into care. I was sexually abused by a family member. for the past few years I was in a domestic violent relationship. I have a 2 year son. unfortunately he is in foster care due to this. my past relationship with my now ex. my ex was controlling and violent. when I left my ex I became extremely angry with social worker. this had prevented them returning my son. final hearing for son is in two months time. I feel like a weight has been lifted by talking to my counseller. local authority insist I disclose why I was a angry teenager. I am just coming to terms with. being abused. I fear telling my family as I fear they will dis own me. like you Christina it’s important I tell who I can trust. do you feel I can heal by talking it through with counseller. I am scared of people’s response. you are very brave and I am glad you are hearing.

a strong role model you are Christina.

cupcakes x

I hope that no matter their response, you know you’re worthy of protection and support.

Hugs,
Christina

You are making a great start. Have you read our page, “Where Do I Start?” It’s full of information and encouragement from other survivors. The other thing that’s helped me so much is keeping a healing journal. From the beginning of my recovery, I’ve recorded my memories, nightmares, flashbacks and emotions. It’s been so helpful to me as I put the pieces of myself and my past back together. This site is full of stories and blogs from other survivors at all different stages of the journey, so I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to lots of it. I’m so glad you found us!

Christina

Hi! First of all, I want to thank you for reading my story, it meant a lot to finally share this to someone who can understand without judgement. Thank you so much.

I dont know how to explain this but something happened to me after sharing my story, I was kind of relief after that, it felt that a heavy burden was lifted on me but I know I still have a long way to go and I just want to be okay.

I dont know how to start, I left our home a week and I am travelling alone right now, trying to get answers and trying to let go of my past, but never thought that confronting your past would be this painful. I just realized that the abuse has taken a lot from me, I have self esteem issues, Ive been depressed, been disassociated with people, also experienced panic attacks but I think the one that one that really affected is my inability to trust people. I just want to take control of my life and live again . I dont want my past to define my future but I dont know what to do next after sharing the story. How can I learned to trust again. Please help me..

I am very thankful of this site and people like you who are always ready to listen and help, it really meant a lot for people like me who are going thru a lot.

agatha

Healing is a long process, but it gets better with every step. How do you feel after sharing that? It’s normal to feel a variety of emotions from relief to victorious to depressed to exhausted. I’m careful to be gentle with myself every time I take another step in my healing. It’s part of undoing the damage that was done through the abuse. Abuse sends the message, “You aren’t valuable” but good self-care says, “You are precious and valuable”.

I hope you continue to participate in our community. You deserve to heal.

Hugs,
Christina

I am very curious kid, I was 4 when my one member of the family accidentally played an Xrated movie to us, being to tally curious what is shown in the tv my friend and I decided to show our private parts with each other and we started to copy what was shown to us not knowing that this was a bad thing, we playfully hugged each other but never went beyond that until one of my older male cousin saw us and we stopped what we were doing, I have learned that what we did is simply Playing the doctor, showing each private parts of your body to an opposite sex but my cousin made me feel guilty of what we did, I was only four so I didnt know what to do, he threatened to tell every member of my family of what we did if I didnt agree of what he wants me to do. He would constantly follow me wherever I go and asked me to have sex with him, I would always refused him and he would always threatened
me. We do not have our own house so I lived with my cousins, one day I went to the bathroom alone when I saw my cousin standing on the door and threatened to scream what he saw if I didnt gave in, feeling so scared and helpless I finally agreed to what he wants me to do, he then begin to put her body against me, and started to undress me, then the horror of my life begin when he put his ***** over my private part, I want to scream but I am so scared I feel so helpless and what disgust me is a part of me enjoys what he was doing to me. It happened four times, I would constantly refused him but he would find a way to make it happen either by threatening me or by telling me that what we were doing is okay because other people are doing it as well. I remember saying to him that I dont want to do it because God will get mad with me and I will go to hell if we did it and its bad to do it and he will always tell me not to believe on this thing because its normal to do it but I always felt guilty after he touched me, like I am broken.
Another male cousin abused me, I dont how it happened because I cannot recall them but I think it happens when I was 6 years old, I am sorrounded by male teenagers during this time, my cousin were my playmates since I am the only young girl in the family the would always asked me to play with them. One night when I was sleeping I feel something hard pressing at my butt, I dont know what to do I wanted to stand up and scream but my cousin is stronger than me and he told me to that he knows my secret with the other cousin and would tell them to my mom if i didnt stay still, so I didnt move he then began to kissed me all over my body, I feel so dirty when he did it but cannot do anything about it, I cannot recall everything he did to me but he would forced me to hold his ***** and if I wont do it, he will get mad at me and would put his **** over my private part. He touched two times, and he would always tell me not to fight with it but to enjoy it instead because what he was doing to me is a good thing and I felt guilty when theres a part of me who feels good about what he was doing.

A few months later I am still 6 years old, my family decided to left our cousins house and stayed at a family friends house, I remember being so happy when we finally leave my cousins house knowing that I could escape the horror of what happened at that house, and for a quite some time feel totally free, then again something bad happened to me at that house. I dont know how it happened I just remember one night the teenager son of the the family friend lied beside me at midnight then began to rub his pennis againts mine, he was drunk when he was doing it , I feel so scared because he was way older than me he was 19 and we were sleeping beside his sisters, I cant remember how it happened but I just followed everything that he wants me to do and again I feel so horrible because I just gave in on what he want me to do. It only happens once, he could look me at the eye the next morning and told me that he just did what he did because he was drunk and told me to keep this secret.

When I was seven my family can already afford to buy a house, I was so relieved to have our own house because a part of me felt safe knowing that I will not have to live with boys that can abused me but I was wrong. A close family friend about 45 years old stayed with us for a couple of weeks, he was adored by my parents for being one of the nicest and kindest family friend that they have, but a part of me is scared to him, maybe because he is a new face to me and because I dont know if I can trust him. He stayed at our house for a couple of weeks and he acted very nice towards me and my sister, he always tell us that he saw his children on us, but I never felt safe around him because there were times when I can see him watching me and my sister like an evil but I just ignored what I see because my parents admired him. I always sleep with my parents and my siblings since we do not have a room we only have a bed, and the house guest slept on the floor, one night the guy suggested that we sleep beside him and because my parents were too trusting with him and considered him as a family they agreed to his offer, my parents asked me then to sleep beside him and I can vividly remember that I said No, I dont want to because a part of me doesnt trust the man and I know that he will do something bad, I told my parents that I dont want to but they get mad at me instead and force me to sleep beside the man because its they were ashamed of how I said No, I still said No so my parents asked my younger sister if she wants to sleep with him, my sister is about 4, I felt protective over my sister so I finally agreed to sleep beside him. True to my gut he is a bad man, he began to put his ***** on my back, I was so afraid of him because he is very old and very strong, I remember not turning around though I know that he was doing something bad and then I finally felt broken when he asked me to turned around and told me that he would do something bad to my parents if I didnt, I cannot do anyting about it when he penetrated, He is a big guy, so what he was doing is very painful to me. My parents are sleeping very well when I am going thru hell with their family friend. He even put his mouth on my private part which is so nasty. The next morning, he pretented to be so a good man again, but I am dying inside on what he did to me, he will always asked me to go with him and play somewhere and I’ll do everything in my power to avoid him, he even asked me if enjoyed what he did. I felt so dirty for what he did to me, but a part if me felt Im glad that it happened to me and not my younger sister because I cannot forgive myself if something happens to her. He eventually went home and never saw him after that.

A part of me is mad with my parents for not taking care of me so well, dont get me wrong my family is very loving but there are also very busy making a living and very trusting to other people not knowing the hell that I went thru during those time that they are away. I love my family so much but I think what I went thru started me to put walls on my relationship on other people specially with my family.

I am 23 years old now, never had any boyfriend and sexual intercourse eversince those incidents. I grew just fine, and family and friends always tell me how proud they are to for being such a nice person but they dont know the horror that I am going thru.

I have tried to forget what happened on me on the past, but lately I keep getting flashback so I decided to confront my past and God Knows how desperate I am to be free of my past and to start living finally because I believe that I am deserving of it because I am good person, I just want to be okay. I know I will be okay, god will take care of me, I just need to forgive myself and let go of my past and be okay,

http://survivechildhoodsexualabuse.blogspot.com/