Comments on: Preparing to Heal from Sexual Abuse

By: Jadie

Jadie — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 22:47:42 +0000

Thank you for writing this article. Ive read much today on this subject. Thisarticle,for me, is pitch perfect.

By: Dave

Dave — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 16:43:35 +0000

Thanks Nikki – i hope your son continued to talk about what happened to him and that he can confront his abuser one day. When i confronted the cousin who molested me he said he “has a disease” and that he cant help it…so essentially it wasnt his fault because its a “disease”…no apology. Nothing to indicate any wrongdoing on his part. His parents sold the same line “jon has a disease” – so thats it…i am just supposed to accept that and say – ok he is sick so he didnt mean it…he has molested dozens and dozens of boys repeatedly but because he has a “disease” its ok !! What a joke…they dont want to face the truth. they dont want to acknowledge that he did anything wrong…they wont accept any responsibility – neither him nor his parents who made me sleep with him..they refuse to acknowledge my pain and my suffering…it was a waste of time trying to confront him…i got nowhere…it just made me more mad that he is using a lie to excuse his behavior…he will never acknowledge what he did and how much pain and hurt he has caused…i have had to move on from that and just focus on healing the pain myself. I will never get acknowledgement from him or from my mother that they caused me tremendous pain and suffering by repeatedly abusing me. They know what they did was wrong. They are too cowardly to face the truth. They live a lie and lie to others to cover it up and lie to themselves that they “couldnt help it”…I am getting ready to start a support group using a book called “the courage to heal” – hopefully it will help bring some closure to all of my pain and suffering.

Dave

By: NIKKI

NIKKI — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 13:59:29 +0000

Dear Dave,

I read your story here. My heart cries out for you. Last August my son who just turned 13 confided to me that he was sexually abused by my nephew who was then 13 and my son was 6 years old. Upon hearing it, I was in limbo and everyday and every night I cry and blame myself for not being there. It hurts for the victim but it hurts a lot for parents too. In the Philippines we have many cases of abused children but we lack support groups, resources and legal help. It’s better in advanced Western countries.

I feel for you. I guess I understand because I was a victim of domestic violence. I can relate to the experience. I always believe that unless you experience it yourself you will never ever fully understand the victim’s feelings, pain, sufferings and trauma.

After 7 years my son finally confided the burden he had carried that drastically affected his life-schooling and his overall life.

To get healed if your perpetrator knows what he had done and whether he is punished for it or apologies, the fact that s/he is aware of his abuse – is a big factor in healing.

My parents abused me for 24 years and I have not completely move on because I realized that they must know what they had done to me Nd how they have hurt and destroyed my life. Whatever else after that is immaterial. You have to get it out of your system and tell the perpetrator to get your healing!

Also, it is hard that our family are the abusers! But, you must talk to yourself to get out of it. You must forgive yourself and stop blaming yourself. I tell this to my son now. Victims always feel they cause the abuse. No. Tell yourself you did not cause it.

I may not be 100% healed but I want to get healed fully and start a new life!

You must help yourself. Only you yourself can heal you.

My prayers for you.

Nikki

By: NIKKI

NIKKI — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 13:41:11 +0000

How do you help to heal a 13 year old teen who was abused when he was 6 years old by his own cousin? How will I as a parent deal with this and my son’s depression? I feel I let him down and sometimes treat him as he is “okay” and realized later on he is a depressed child. Help!

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Sun, 13 May 2012 06:59:35 +0000

Smow,
I know how painful it is to talk about the abuse. The thing I realized that the pain wasn’t coming in as I shared, it was leaving. I wrote a blog post to answer your question:
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2012/05/12/why-i-talk-about-my-childhood-abuse/
Christina

By: Dave W

Dave W — Mon, 07 May 2012 16:17:56 +0000

I hear you loud and clear. I have been in that place before too. I thought “i have already shared everything so whats the point ?” – even tho i had talked about everything that happened i had not truly dealt with all the pain from it. So now instead of just talking about it, i talk about it and deal with the emotional pain (i cry every day). There is an end to the pain. It wont last forever. The reason we talk is to deal with the pain. We have to process the feelings and emotions behind the pain. If you have told your story and have not experienced some healing then perhaps you need to tell it to someone who truly understands and empthazies with you and will truly hear you and hear your pain. That has been my experience anyway. I shared a lot but i shared with people that were incapable or unable to help me. I just kept sharing because thats what i was told i needed to do. It got the stuff out in the open which was a good thing and was a good first step for me but i had to go deeper. Now i am going much deeper and dealing with the core pain and truly healing. I have found this website to be incredibly helpful and supportive in my healing journey – “Emergingfrombroken.com” – Its a blog and Christina from this site is friends with the woman who writes that blog.Its an online support community of people overcoming all types of abuse and neglect. I strongly encourage you to check it out.

You can heal from the past. The pain will go away. Its just a process with a lot of layers. Please read that blog – the woman who wrote it has completely healed from all of her abuse and neglect. There is hope. The key is sharing with the right people who you connect with at a deep level. Once you feel validated it will make the process better i believe – at least it has for me anyway. Hang in there and please keep sharing. This is a good and safe place to share.

blessings,

Dave

By: Smow

Smow — Fri, 04 May 2012 22:54:25 +0000

How is talking about the details of what happened supposed to help? I can’t see that it would ever do anything but be really painful. The pain is never going to go away. It’s not a cut that heals and we never see again. How many times would I have to tell my story before it would be deaf in my ears so that it wouldn’t hurt anymore? Really. I am seriously looking for an answer to that question.

Thank you.

By: Dave

Dave — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 14:07:49 +0000

Christina – yes i am aware that men are sharing their stuff in an online setting and I am familiar with malesurvivor.org. Unfortinately they dont have any support groups in my area. I am not looking for internet support. I do have that. What i dont have is people that i can talk to about what happened to me. I cant find any support groups or people willng to listen to me share my story. Thats the frustrating part. I want to talk about it, I want to share what happened. I want to be open and talk about the experience but i have no one to turn to that is willing to listen to me other than my wife and she can only handle so much. I do take care of myself and i do what i need for me. Almost everyone that has come out of abuse and write about it talk about how important a support group or having a network of friends or people in their life to help them through the process. that’s whats missing for me. Its hard. I will carry on alone.

Dave

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 02:51:25 +0000

Dave,
I don’t agree that men don’t talk about this in a group setting. Lots of men have talked about their feelings and experiences on this site and on the OSA Facebook page. Many more women than men talk about it, but more and more men are sharing about their abuse now.

Ultimately, the most important support in healing comes from inside of you. I hope you find the internal and external resources you need.
Christina

By: Dave

Dave — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 18:03:00 +0000

I dont know where to go for support. I have no family except my wife. People that i know that have healed from trauma talk about how important it is to have a support network but all of the people that i read that talk about healing from abuse are all women. As a male, almost all my friends have abandoned me during this difficult phase of my life. I have no contact with any family members. I work from home alone so i have no co-workers. No one in my church has any clue how to help me. I have reached out to several organizations that offer support and help for victims of abuse but they are all for women only. The website malesurvivor.org has been a little helpful but they dont have any groups anywhere close to where i live. I feel alone, isolated, abandoned and am in constant pain from all of the abuse i suffered as a child. I have no problem talking about the abuse, the problem is i dont have anyone to talk to about it . I have done about 20 years of psychotherapyand counseling which has made only a small dent in the healing process. One hour a week barely scratches the surface. I was in an abusive home environment for 21 years before i finally got away. I had no idea how bad it was. Both my parents had long term PTSD, which i didnt know at the time. I was finally diagnosed with complex PTSD about 5 years ago. My parents verbally, emotionally and spiritually abused me throughout my childhood. I was participating in seances in our home when i was 7 or 8 years old. My mother was heavily involved in the occult and she got me involved at a very young age. I had no idea what i was doing. We never went to church and our whole spiritual life involved occult and demonic activities on a regular basis. I was sexually abused by an older male cousin when i was 7 or 8 years old. it was 3 or 4 nights in a row. I never told anyone until i was about 22 or 23 when i started counseling. I am now 48. I cry every day and have cried almost every day for at least a dozen years. I cant stop crying. I have been on medication for depression for years but the crying and the pain never goes away. I have been to healing conference, read numerous books on healing, listened to a variety of tapes on healing from abuse and done a ton of journaling. I feel mired in the depths of pain and cant get out. No one that i know has ever gone through anything like this before. I feel like my existence is to suffer. Even tho i know its not, when you suffer and cry every day its hard not to feel like your purpose in life is to suffer. I lost my whole childhood to abuse and a lot of my adult life. I have never really had anything close to a normal life. I have had so many things wrong physically as a result of all the abuse that i am exhausted every day trying to work through the pain and overcome everything else. If you can do one thing, please work on getting more help for men. I have been told by numerous counselors that men wont talk about this stuff in a group setting so thats why i cant find a male support group. I need more help than i am getting, which is very little at the present. I just dont know where to turn to get the help i need ?

Dave