Comments on: My Story by Christina Enevoldsen

By: Catherine Todd

Catherine Todd — Fri, 03 May 2013 01:50:14 +0000

Christina, your response to Loretta was so incredibly perceptive and hit all the main points. You didn’t leave anything out… and explained, in part at least, why my sisters perhaps have maintained a relationship with the abusers. That was one part I could NEVER understand! I’m going to check into the book you mention, as I’m on “both sides of the fence” as survivor and so-called “role model,” even though I certainly don’t feel like one.

Gracias, amiga… and to everyone here. May we all find our ways home. Catherine Todd

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Thu, 02 May 2013 23:13:16 +0000

Loretta,
I’m glad you found the site helpful. I’m glad to hear that you’re so supportive of your husband and his healing process. There’s a good book for loved ones of abuse survivors that’s excellent. It’s called, “Allies in Healing”. You might find that helpful too.

The primary thing that I tell loved ones of survivors is that the healing journey has to be led by the survivor. The timing, the pace, the methods–all of it needs to be chosen by him or her. Abuse is about power and control so it’s so vital that the healing process be about choices and empowerment. Acknowledging his right to choose a relationship with his (abusive) family is part of affirming his personal boundaries. So is letting him know that he doesn’t deserve abusive treatment. Even if he’s still being abused by them, it’s up to him to say no to that. However, if you have children it’s up to you to protect them so even if he chooses to submit to more abuse, it’s your responsibility to protect them and to model healthy boundaries to them. Does that make sense?

Cutting off abusive relationships has been a long process in my healing journey. The more I’ve faced the issues that kept me in them, the more liberated I’ve become. Now abuse is foreign to me, though I used to feel very comfortable in it since it was all I knew. I hope your husband can value himself enough to keep himself safe from more abuse.

Christina

By: Catherine Todd

Catherine Todd — Wed, 01 May 2013 17:00:47 +0000

Lorretta, you put it so well! I am the only one who left and spoke out against the abuse of my father and my enabling, denying mother. No wonder the rest of my siblings (there are eight children in the family) hate me so much! They are all thick as thieves and have little or no contact with anyone else in the “outside world.” No friends outside “the family either.”

You put it so well:

” The main one now is his adult relationships with the abusers. I DO NOT understand it and my love and protective feelngs for him i fear are clouding my thoughts and judgement of how to best support him in this stage of his recovery. Or if he is simply being further vitcimized in another way by these people. There are multiple abusers that have contact with him.”

I don’t know what to do. They hate me and I still receive hate mail even though I haven’t seen them in going on 30 years. They have destroyed my reputation wherever they can, but luckily they live on the other side of the country (I moved) so they can’t go after me physically. Mentally and emotionally I still don’t know how to disconnect and their rage and hostility and enmity still hurts me greatly, including my mother’s who is dead now going on three years. I am trying to learn how to pray but I don’t know how.

I do know that the only way I started to get better was to cut off contact from my abusers and have no contact with them. Good luck to your husband and you… you didn’t describe how the abuse has affected him. Go with God and let us know.

By: loretta

loretta — Wed, 01 May 2013 07:19:39 +0000

i admire you for your courage in your understanding what has happened to you and all that goes along with it. While i often do not have the words to express everything i an trying to get across i have found this site to be so helpful. I myself have never been abused, my husband has as a child. Iam trying to have a better understanding of what he is, has, and will suffer through as he tries to recover from all of the horrible things done to him. I am noticing similarities in other victims behavior and reactions that he has and i would greatly appreciate any help in understanding any of this. The main one now is his adult relationships with the abusers. I DO NOT understand it and my love and protective feelngs for him i fear are clouding my thoughts and judgement of how to best support him in this stage of his recovery. Or if he is simply being further vitcimized in another way by these people. There are multiple abusers that have contact with him. To put it simply Pretty Much all of the adults abused all of the kids growing up in this family dynamic, or assisted others in the abuse. Any thoughts???

By: Debbie

Debbie — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 18:09:42 +0000

How does one begin to overcome never having innocence and not ever being a child? I have always felt that it was just something I had to forget. My most recent thought is “If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I don’t want to come back rich or beautiful. I just want a mother who loves and protects me, and a father who truly believes I am precious.”

By: Lydia S.

Lydia S. — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 16:18:59 +0000

Thank you for your words, Catherine! Last week my mother sent me another text and called, I finally texted back and explained that I need space and time to heal. I was studying about how to end toxic relationships and discovered that I do not have to tell her it is over and I never want to see her again. I did tell her I chose not to have contact at this time due to the relationship with her being emotionally draining and let her know I would contact her again if and when I felt I was able to. I told her I hoped she could respect my feelings. I also explained the magnitude of hurt I felt for the actions she took and did not take when I was a child, it was great opening up that way. I finally held her accountable for what she did. Not suprisingly she did not acknowledge the pain she has caused me; however, that’s ok. I have empowered myself by being a raw and candid as possible. I feel so much better opening up and so much stronger taking a stand for myself that no one ever took for me. I love me and will not allow myself to be torn down by my immediate family again.

Dianne I completely understand what you mean about the healing process taking so long, it seems that is completely normal. It is a life altering experience that shapes the people we become, to a large extent. I am hyper vigilant at all times to ensure I am never again a victim. I am 36 years old and also am impacted daily by the abuse. Give yourself time to heal, be good to you, make you number one. Reach out to others even by way of internet to connect with others that understand how you feel. There is no rate at which we have to heal, be kind to you and be patient with you. I have decided to start living for me, loving me in the gentle way I deserved to be loved as a child and was not. It is ok to hurt, it is ok to cry… each tear is a release that brings you closer to happiness. I am hugging you in my heart!

By: Dianne

Dianne — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 17:22:41 +0000

Hi, I wished you lived near me! I am in my 40′s and feel utterly alone. I kind of talked and wrote about my past to my therapist but it still hurts and I still think of it daily. What is wrong? I am alone and afraid at living. I think my therapist is wondering why it’s still bothering me.

By: Catherine Todd

Catherine Todd — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 01:07:12 +0000

Lydia, you’ve told a heart-breaking story, so similar to my own! My mother did everything she could to destroy me, even on her death bed, and many family members continue on “in her name.”

Don’t give up and never stop telling the truth.

These “Honor Killings” have to stop. Defamation and mistreatment of survivors has to stop and I hope that with the more and more people who are speaking out about how awful the families treat the survivor when they do “speak out,” the “why didn’t you tell someone” people will realize there’s more to it than that.

Keep up the good work. We are all “on our way home.” Thanks to everyone here.

Dear God, please show us The Way. We are all trying to find our way Home. Amen.

By: Lydia

Lydia — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 16:20:41 +0000

I am sitting here in tears, I feel so blessed to have found this site. Christina the words you wrote are to a large extent as if they were coming out of me. I, like another responder have forgotten a huge piece of my life. When I was younger I used to make sure I took pictures of everyone so I could remember them. I have been in abusive relationships and now finally am single, I was terrified to leave my exhusband as he would threaten my life. I gained a significant amount of weight and he left me, thank god. I have always battled with weight, as I feel safer when I am heavy. Then men don’t gawk at me. I am to this day broken to a huge extent due to the abuse, but mostly due to the reaction that my family had to me talking about the abuse. When I reported it I was 15 and was asked to leave the home by my mother. She chose the abuser over me, I fell into a live of alcohol, drugs and whatever else I could get to subside the hurt. I recently went to my families in Iowa for Thanksgiving. The entire family had been planning to get together for about a year. I was devastated (and still am) the entire family left me on Thanksgiving to spend it w/ the abuser, I felt like I had been abused all over again. It’s tearing me up inside, because I have now cut off contact w/ my entire family. I made it clear to them as I completely broke down how badly their choice hurt me. I wouldn’t have gone if I knew that was going to happen. The family members all made it seem I was the selfish one for not “being willing to share them.” I guess I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. My heart feels broken. Each time my mother calls I can’t bring myself to talk to her. How do I tell her she has broken my heart for the last time and I have to end the relationship? Any support or advice would b greatly appreciated!

By: Christina Enevoldsen

Christina Enevoldsen — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 21:40:03 +0000

January,
I can relate to knowing about sex before other children my age did. My mom tried to have “the talk” with me when I was 13 (that was so unusual for her since we didn’t ever talk about much of anything important) and I’d already known for years. I remember thinking about what a weird thing sex was when I was 7 and I’d known about it long before then too.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Christina